Index of topics

(Listed in order of caloric content)

Thank you for taking time to learn about my blog, View from the Bleachers.  I would like to share with you my collection of brilliant writing, erudite ponderings and insightful commentaries about the human condition, politics, business, parenting, events of the day and my personal battle with male pattern baldness. Unfortunately, I am still working on those insightful articles. In the meantime, I invite you to check out what I actually have written instead.

In this section you will find a listing of all of the least offensive, I mean most popular articles I have written, as determined by a prestigious advisory panel of highly respected columnists, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists and A-List professional bloggers, most of whom have strongly recommended me… for a career in the food services industry. But I am sure that if they ever actually read any of my articles, they would overwhelmingly agree with me that I actually have profoundly important things to say – about the food services industry, that is.

Don’t listen to the critics. And thank you for taking the time to read some of my favorite articles — very few of which have been blatantly plagiarized from Stephen Colbert. I have grouped them into the following categories, in case there is a particular topic that you find especially disturbing.

Tim's Personal Favorites

Tim’s Personal Favorites

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I just found out I’m related to Jesus – on my mother’s side – A recently deciphered ancient Coptic Christian papyrus text reveals that Jesus was probably married. It’s not too big a leap of logic from that revelation to the conclusion that I must be the savior’s direct descendant. I mean, just look at any 15th century painting of Christ. I totally have his chin.

According to Google I am a terrible person – I used to think I was a pretty good person – a decent husband and a parent who tried to set a good model for my kids. All that changed when I did a Google search on my name. Wow, from what I found out about myself, I appear to have done some horrible things.

Side-By-Side Comparison of the Roomba VS. The Timba – In In a recent test of traditional vacuum cleaning methods versus the latest robot vacuum called the Roomba, we compared a variety of features to determine which was superior. The results may surprise you. (Nah, probably not.)

Have You Heard About Dyzastra? If you haven’t where have you been? It’s the latest miracle pill that cures everything. Oh, no big deal, but there may be just a few teensy weensy unpleasant side effects.

Memo to our kids: The family has decided to downsize – It was a difficult decision. But I looked at the future cash flow projections and our dwindling retirement fund, and I make the hard choice. I had to let our two kids go. But the severance package is more than fair, if you ask me.

Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall – Due to all the tumult along its southern border, with caravans of desperate people – including, no doubt, many dangerous criminal elements – the nation’s chief executive finally issued an executive order – to protect his people once and for all.

Humor writer admits to using banned substances and lying to everybody – In a stunning revelation, Tim Jones admits publicly that he used banned performance-enhancing substances to gain a competitive edge against other humor writers. Based on writing samples we have tested, it apparently hasn’t helped.

Don’t let your dishwasher destroy your marriage – Being married for 25 years takes commitment and hard work, especially if you’re married to me.  Our marriage has survived many ups and downs. But it was a major household appliance that drove our marriage to its knees.  Read how we were able to overcome our differences about dirty dishes.

An important message from your cat – There are a couple items of business that your cat needs to discuss with you, starting with some apparent confusion you over whose house this is. Your cat sets the record straight in this guest commentary.

Fifty shades of white – When your wife asks you to go to Home Depot with her to pick out white paint for one of your rooms, be prepared for a long outing. You might want to request a couple vacation days. You’re going to be there a while.

You have the right to remain silent – My Recent Run-in with the Law – The true retelling of the time I got caught by the police in a major criminal act – er, well, I violated the speed limit, sort of. It’s hard to explain.

America’s Great Debate: Pie or Cake? – Our nation has become polarized like no time in the past century. People have become siloed into their “tribes.” You’re either on OUR side or THEIR side – with no common ground. I am, of course, talking about the most heated debate tearing our nation apart – Pie or Cake.

How I Got Crabs – We recently moved to an island where the favorite pastime in summer is to go crabbing. The people here love God, Country, Family and Crabbing – but if they had to pick only one, I’m pretty sure they’d pick crabbing.  Learn what you need to do if you want to get crabs. Perhaps I phrased that last sentence poorly.

Kids, Ask Me About God – By Reverend Tornquist – This week’s special guest tackles the tough questions about God and Heaven that kids need to know, like In Heaven, do I still have to eat my peas? And Will my daddy get all his hair back when he meets God and Jesus?

Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok – If there is one thing that separates the winners from the losers in business it’s the ability to compose persuasive, articulate, error-free business emails, memos and presentations.  That and being the offspring of the CEO.

My fleeting friendship with an Internet Scammer – This is part one of my actual email exchange with the nicest man from Latvia wanting to purchase bleachers.  I thought I had made a new friend across cyberspace, only to learn that the scammer did not really want to be my friend after all. What a shock!

My fleeting friendship with an Internet Scammer – Part Two of Two – The rest of the story of my fleeting friendship.  Spoiler alert: Turns out he never did purchase my bleachers. What a disappointment. The boys in the factory had worked so hard on those shiny bleachers.

My Love Letter to My Internet Service Provider’s Tech Support Help Desk – Read my THANK YOU letter to my ISP,  detailing my gratitude for the 19-hour ordeal they put me through in which their tech support call center was unable to fix a problem that corrupted my computer that resulted from my installing their own internet security software to prevent internet security threats from corrupting my computer.

My Short-lived Career as a BINGO Announcer – After all these years, I thought I had finally found the job of my dreams – BINGO announcer at the county fair. I rocketed to stardom, and then just as quickly, my meteoric rise crashed and burned. Read my heartbreaking story of the dream job that got away.

Warning to husbands: Shopping at Costco can be hazardous to your marriageIf I can give the men out there one piece of important marital advice, it’s this: NEVER SHOP AT COSTCO. That, and don’t leave your dirty underwear on the floor. But if you can only remember one of these, it’s the one about never shopping at Costco. You just have to trust me on this

Jesus vs. the “Jesus Tablet” – a side by side comparison of our Savior vs. the Apple iPad – This side-by-side analysis compares the features of Apple’s iPad with Jesus Christ. Scoring them for features such as processing speed, multi-tasking and user interface, it’s a very close call. And the winner is…..?

The Truth About Lying – Researchers conclude that people have been telling lies ever since Columbus told the Native Americans, “We come in peace.” Maybe longer. Take me. I’m a professional liar. I make my living by lying, by which I mean humor writing. Last year alone I earned $3 million as a humor writer. (It’s possible that the previous sentence was a slight exaggeration.) So, when it comes to deceiving others, trust me. I know what I’m talking about.  

BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America – On the heels of the UK’s decision to exit the European Union, a groundswell of support leads the USA to follow Britain’s lead and secede from North America.

My open letter to the guy crossing the street against traffic without looking up – We have all seen this person – the person who is completely oblivious to the impact they have on everyone around them, as they make everyone else wait for them to get done. This is my open letter to that person on behalf of all of the rest of us they’ve kept waiting all these years.

The case against marriage equality – At the risk of offending both of my regular readers, it’s time I spoke up about something I feel passionately about. It’s time that the 90% of us right-handed Americans take our country back and stop letting left-handers marry and breed. Read my cogent argument for why we must take our nation back.

WARNING: IMPROPER USE OF THIS PRODUCT COULD INDICATE YOU’RE AN IDIOT – Ever notice how just about every product has a helpful warning label to make sure you don’t, say, try to eat the batteries that come with the toy? Apparently, it seems that over the past 50 years, we’ve become a nation of idiots. 

Myth-busting website Snopes.com revealed to be a hoax – according to Snopes.com – Thanks to Snopes.com, we can quickly learn that most of the email warnings we receive about nasty computer viruses and flesh-eating bananas are just hoaxes. But what if this myth-busting web site was itself just a hoax? That’s the focus of this week’s post – if you believe there actually is one.

Important Health Safety Warning: These Foods Will Kill You! – Turns out that a lot of foods are really, really bad for you. Even 32-ounce bottle of water can kill you, especially if it falls on your head from a height of 5,000 feet. Read this week’s important health scare, er, alert, about some which foods can kill. Spoiler alert: Brussels sprouts is one of 5 foods that is actually not harmful.

Getting a colonoscopy is better than having sex… with elephants, that is. And not by much. Read my true embarrassing story of my recent colonoscopy procedure. Warning: This post may not be suitable for people with weak colons. And kids, don’t try this at home.

The World’s Least Flexible Man – I may not be the fastest, strongest or nimblest man in the world. But there is one fitness category for which I’m confident I would be a contender: World’s Least Flexible Man. I signed up for a yoga class. Read about my gut-wrenching experience.

My Personal War with a Backyard Mole – I’m not a violent man, but every man has his limits. In my case, it’s Henry. Henry is the name I’ve given to a mole that is destroying my back yard. And now it’s war.

Everyday Life

Everyday Life

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Side-By-Side Comparison of the Roomba VS. The Timba – In a recent test of traditional vacuum cleaning methods versus the latest robot vacuum called the Roomba, we compared a variety of features to determine which was superior. The results may surprise you. (Nah, probably not.)

You have the right to remain silent – My Recent Run-in with the Law – The true retelling of the time I got caught by the police in a major criminal act – er, well, I violated the speed limit, sort of. It’s hard to explain.

22-Step Guide to turning on a light bulbWhen it comes to home repairs, there are simple repair projects and there are complicated repair projects. And then there are the simple repair projects that I find a way to turn into complicated projects. This would be one such example.

Warning to husbands: Shopping at Costco can be hazardous to your marriageIf I can give the men out there one piece of important marital advice, it’s this: NEVER SHOP AT COSTCO. That, and don’t leave your dirty underwear on the floor. But if you can only remember one of these, it’s the one about never shopping at Costco. You just have to trust me on this.

There’s no better time than RIGHT NOW to start PROCRASTINATING! – I planned to write this piece two years ago but well, just didn’t feel like finishing it. But now that it’s done, I want to share with you my proven secrets to mastering the art of getting nothing done. I’m an expert.

My Personal War with a Backyard Mole – I’m not a violent man, but every man has his limits. In my case, it’s Henry. Henry is the name I’ve given to a mole that is destroying my back yard. And now it’s war.

The Time I Saved Ten Lives – Many years ago, I saved ten innocent lives from an almost certain death. I really don’t like to talk about it. I don’t consider myself a hero. I was just in the right place at the right time. This is the 100% true retelling of that fateful day. This does not make me a better person than you – okay, well, maybe just a little bit.

Hey, Your Trees are Blocking My View (of Trees) – In a decision I have long regretted, a while back, a neighbor conned me, I mean convinced me, to join the Covenants Committee of our local homeowner association. My job, essentially, is to ask difficult people if they would be willing to “be a good neighbor” and clean up their property or lower the height of their trees. Their job is to tell me to kiss off and leave them alone. Or just ignore me altogether. That seems to be very effective too.

What You Need to Know Before You Remodel – Before you remodel, there are several important questions you need to ask, like, “Why?” and “Seriously, WHY?” and “How do you feel about living in a tent for four months?” If you still decide to take the plunge, good luck. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Home Cooking for Husbands Who Don’t Cook –  I don’t claim to be the world’s greatest culinary expert. But recently, my wife encouraged me to start helping prepare some of the meals. And I am starting to get the hang of it. And if I can do it, then I can teach ANY husband how to cook.

My Action Plan for Today: Just Don’t Do It! – Nike bombards us with commercials reminding us to Just Do It. Well, today was just not one of those days. Today was a Just Don’t Do It kind of day. Read my plan for the day and my achievements. Yeah, not one of my prouder days.

My Shopping Experience That Went Off Target – For Christmas, I received an online gift card to use at a particular big box retailer whose name I won’t mention so as not to incite hate mail TARGETED at this retailer. I went to the nearest location to redeem my gift card. The process was easy-peasy, if by easy-peasy, you mean unlocking the secret to the Da Vinci code.

Things Didn’t Go as Planned – When I was young, I was always planning out my life, sometimes down to the minute. I was very organized and very self-directed. I always had a plan. But when I graduated from college, it turns out, things didn’t always quite go as planned. And, as it turns out, that’s not such a bad thing after all.

If You Need a Lawyer, I Found Just the Guy – If you’ve run into a streak of bad luck, say, your wife is divorcing you, the IRS is auditing you for failure to pay back taxes, and you just totaled another dude’s car in an accident that was your fault. Well, then you’re screwed. Sorry. Can’t help you. But for the rest of you, meet Marvin Guerkin, Attorney at Law.

How to Retire Filthy Rich – Far too many people are woefully under-prepared for retirement. Read my financial strategy to guarantee your financial security in your golden years. Step One: Buy 1,000 shares of Amazon.com stock in 1997.

The secret to taking the stress out of moving – My wife and I just completed a move so heed my advice about how to take the hassle out of your next move. Step 1: Ask yourself the following important question: What in the hell are you thinking, wanting to move anyway? Do you have any idea of the nightmarish Hell you’re about to embark on?

The Joy of Sleeping – There are many wonderful joys in life: Hearing Ava Maria performed on Christmas Eve, watching your child hit a home run in Little League, and the day you walk down the aisle with your soulmate. All of these are great joys, to be sure – just not quite as exquisite as a long power nap on a Saturday afternoon. Doesn’t get much better than that.

The Downside of Having a Common Name – My name is Tim Jones. Not exactly a memorable appellation. And common name like this has its drawbacks, starting with the fact that I constantly get mistaken for some less honorable stranger who apparently has as their mission to make my life miserable.

A Sign I Have Too Much Time on My Hands – I’ve always been fascinated by those tall posts with signs pointing to far-flung destinations like Timbuktu. I finally decided to make one of these for our front yard. I love how it came out. And so far, not a single neighbor has filed a complaint with the local homeowner’s association.

Thank You for Losing My Luggage – This is my deeply heartfelt letter of appreciation I sent to a major airline after they lost my luggage not once but at least twice by re-routing it multiple times to the wrong destination. By this was totally my fault for listening to their request to check my luggage instead of carrying it on the plane with me.

A Young Man’s Discovery of America by Greyhound Bus – If you really want to know if you can put up with someone, you might try spending 30 days together, traveling across the country in a cramped, smelly Greyhound bus and crashing at fleabag hotels. Or you could just go out to dinner and have a long conversation. Yeah, that could work too, now that I think about it.

What You Need to Know Before You Remodel – If you’re thinking of moving forward with a major home remodeling project, there are several crucial questions you should ask, such as: “Why?” and “Seriously, Why?” and “How do you feel about living in a tent for six months?” Read what you absolutely NEED to know before you embark on something as daunting and costly as a home remodeling.

Rain, clouds, moss and other reasons I love Drip City – A lot of people don’t understand the allure of Seattle. Doesn’t it rain 350 days a year there? I’m here to set the record straight. And by the way, it’s only 315 days. Stop exaggerating.

Did anybody see my car keys? – This post was supposed to be an insightful commentary about the challenges of attention deficit disorder, which afflicts many people as they approach middle age. But well, I got a little distracted. Read my excuse for why I never quite got around to finishing this blog post.

Small Town Crime – I left the big city a couple years ago, in part to escape a life surrounded by crime and nasty people doing bad things to innocent people. But even in the small town where I now live, I can’t escape the crime. Check out the kind of terrifying crime I have to deal with now. It keeps me up at night.

A Story of Sex and Debauchery in My Youth – When I was young, I hung out with a dude named Leonardo. He was quite the Casanova character. He had sex with countless females over the years. What an animal. But still, he was my friend. Read the story of my complicated friendship with a sexual dynamo.

Support my Kickstarter campaign to become a multi-millionaire – Turns out my plans to become rich and retire by 40 are a little behind schedule. So, I have launched a Kickstarter campaign to help me retire in comfort and style. Please help the world become a happier place, one person at a time – starting with me.

My Trip to the Dentist – I used to hate going to the dentist. HATED IT! Until I learned about nitrous oxide and met the woman of my dreams in the dentist’s chair. Read about my change of heart here.

My triumph over overwhelming adversity – Many people have no idea of the tremendous adversity I overcame to achieve the success I have.  Join me for this candid journey through my painful, deprived childhood in a private college prep school and life without an iPod.

A Survival Guide for coping with air travel – On a list of my favorite things to do, airline travel ranks 497th, just behind having a root canal and just ahead of getting a bill for $2,950 for a root canal. There are ways to make airline travel tolerable. For starters, consider staying at home. How important is that trip to Houston for the national sales meeting anyway?

Turn left NOW! No, your OTHER left!! The joys of teaching your teenager to driveSooner or later, as a parent, your teenage son or daughter will ask you the question every parent dreads: Will you teach me how to drive? When that day comes, here are some valuable tips to keep your teenager from driving you insane, not to mention driving into oncoming traffic.

The nightmare of living in America’s friendliest town – My town, Sammamish, Washington, was recently selected by Forbes Magazine as the Friendliest Town in America. Everyone here is amazingly nice. And that’s just one of my complaints about living here.

Please forgive my need to rank everything. It’s 1 of my top 5 flaws. – I once asked my wife what there the top ten things about me that annoyed her. #1 on her list: My need to ask people to rank things.  I admit I tend to rank things. For example, this post just barely made it into the list of my top 500 humor posts.

Vancouver? – Ya’ Can’t Get There from Here – This is the true story of the time I forgot to make train reservations for two friends who were visiting me. And as a result, their visit with me lasted far longer than anyone would have wanted it to.

Rebel with a weed whacker – For most of my adult life, I followed the rules, obeyed stop signs and took my vitamins. Not anymore. From now on, I’m living life on the edge, and calling my own shots.  I won’t be told what to do anymore, starting with not mowing the lawn this weekend. But I’ll still take out the trash. I’m not a barbarian.

One year closer to death – My Family’s Year-in-Review letter – If there is one thing I look forward to each year almost as much as my tax bill, it’s receiving those year in review letters in December informing me how much more fun everybody else has had than our family.

So, you’re having a yard sale. How much you want for your LP, Leonard Nimoy sings his Favorite Star Trek Christmas songs? – Every spring, millions of Americans get rid of tons of clutter they no longer use by having a yard sale. What do they do with their profits? Why that’s simple. They go to other yard sales and buy more stuff.

My Sister Betsy, AKA Bad Betsy in a Previous Life – I love my sister, but she has simply the worst luck of anybody I know. Read this post and stop bitching about how bad your life is. Just be thankful you don’t know this person. She is bad news, plain and simple. Avoid her at all costs.

Everything I needed to know about life I learned from my carI have bought many cars over my lifetime and I’ve learned many valuable lessons – perhaps none more important than that I have absolutely no business buying cars. It always ends up badly.  My life lessons from cars.

My close brush with death: Seattle’s Snow-mageddonThere have been a few times in my life when I was not certain I was going to survive – like the time I misspelled “cake” in the third grade spelling bee. The January 2012 Seattle winter storm was another such traumatic event.

Fun & Leisure

Fun & Leisure

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Loser for HireI love to play sports. There’s just one problem. I’m actually not very good at it. People love to play me because they know they will have the satisfaction of winning. So, I’ve decided to offer my services for hire. If you’d like to feel better about yourself, just hire me to play you in any sport. You’ll feel like a winner in no time. Anybody up for a round of golf?

I am not a happy camper I love my wife, but she said something recently that was terribly upsetting. Three words, actually: Let’s go camping.  It was horrible. There is a reason people live inside and not outside. And our camping weekend was conclusive proof of why.

How I Got Crabs – We recently moved to an island where the favorite pastime in summer is to go crabbing. The people here love God, Country, Family and Crabbing – but if they had to pick only one, I’m pretty sure they’d pick crabbing.  Learn what you need to do if you want to get crabs. Perhaps I phrased that last sentence poorly.

Husbands’ Guide to hosting a winning Super Bowl Party – When it’s your turn to invite the gang over to your place to watch the big game, follow my secret recipe for a Super Bowl Party they’ll long remember. Or maybe they won’t, since a key ingredient turns out to be lots and lots of beer.

My Harrowing Italian AdventureYou might think a two-week guided tour of Italy, including Roman ruins and gorgeous mountainside towns on the Mediterranean would be a wonderful vacation. Nothing could be further from the truth. It was grueling – starting with my stark realization that there would be nothing for me to eat but Italian food for two whole weeks.

My wild “Hangover” weekend in Vegas – It’s all a blur to me now. I really don’t know how I spun so out of control, but Vegas will make you do crazy things. I woke up the next morning to find a half-naked woman in my bed. How did she get there? What had I done? Then I remembered. Oh right, my wife went with me on this trip.

Our summer vacation – only more interesting – If your family’s summer vacations can’t compete with the summer vacations of your kids’ school mates, don’t fret.  Just make up an amazing vacation story sure to shut up that snot-nosed rich kid Parker once and for all.

Day at the Museum – Recently my wife visited a museum of world culture and natural history. It started out so well, by which I mean, I got to sleep in till 8:15am and enjoyed bacon for breakfast. But then we went to the museum. That’s when things started to go downhill.

Is your self-esteem a little too positive? Why not try golf? – I know of few certainties in the world of sports:  1) Professional wrestling is rigged. 2) India will never win a gold medal in the Winter Olympics and 3) No matter how many golf lessons I take, I will never cure my slice. Why golf is a cruel game.

In Defense of Facebook – A lot of nasty people like to take shots at Facebook users like me. They’ll say things like “Facebook is a waste of time” and “Are you listening? It’s a complete waste of time” and “Will you please get off your f*cking phone for a minute and do something productive?” Facebook detractors use very foul language. I’m here to defend Facebook – just as soon as I check out this post with the headline “Ten things about Trump that will shock you.”  

Welcome to Seattle – the land the Sun Forgot – If you’re about to visit the Emerald City for the very first time, read this fun, fact-filled overview about Seattle before you pack your suitcase. By the way, those sunglasses you were planning to bring? You won’t be needing those.

Trying to Go Offline – With all this technology constantly at our fingertips, it can be hard to break free from the shackles of email, social media and the bombardment of messages constantly vying for our attention. That’s why this week, my wife and I decided to get away from it all. How hard can it be to turn off my phone for a week, anyway? Easy-peasy.

VFTB Commentary: Why baseball is way better than sex…  – I love baseball – if that’s not obvious from the title of this humor blog. This week, I come to the defense of this great game and try once and for all to explain the infield fly rule.

So, you think you can dance? – It seems that every generation brings with it a new dance craze – the Twist, the Electric Slide, whatever you call that annoying horsey dance from the music video Gangnam Style. I am launching the latest craze: The Soccer Dad Shuffle. Warning: Not appropriate for people with rhythm or any sense of dignity.

Welcome to cricket. It’s a lot like baseball, only even more boring.  – ESPN is now broadcasting the sport of Cricket. If you’re like most Americans, you probably have no idea how cricket is played (or why). Let me explain everything you need to know to enjoy watching this ancient game. Start by getting seriously liquored up. It’s going to be a long match.

Mission Impossible: My brave escape from an Escape Room – If you’re looking for an unusual adventure, try doing an Escape Room, in which you and your friends try to solve puzzles to come up with clues to locate the key to the escape room door. A great way to turn friends against each other and you – in under an hour.

I’ve Survived Hell – Or as My Kids Call It, Disney World – I have discovered an ingenious way our CIA could get the terrorist prisoners to spill the beans about their nefarious plans – Threaten to send them to Disney World in Orlando in July. I would not wish that on my worst enemy.

Swingin’ in the Rain – I sometimes do some pretty stupid, boneheaded things. On this occasion it was letting myself get goaded into golfing in the pouring rain. I was soaked, freezing cold, and covered in mud. And I had the round of my life.

Flying Coach vs. Flying First Class – The differences between flying first class and flying coach are dramatic. For example, did you know that in first class, flight attendants entertain their passengers by telling jokes about the people in coach? It’s true. Read my shocking findings in this special investigative report.

An American Tourist’s Guide to Vacationing in Italy – As a foremost expert on world travel, in this post I share everything an American needs to know in order to have a memorable vacation in Italy, and if all goes well, not get arrested.

The Old Farts Tennis Club – I recently was admitted into an extremely elite club, Camano Island’s senior men’s tennis group – known as the Old Farts Tennis Club. Admission requirements are rigorous: You must be a male, at least 60 years old and be able to stand up without help from your grandchildren.

A Night at the Opera – When it comes to cultural expansion, I draw the line at having to go to the opera. That is, I did until recently, when my wife told me we were going to the opera. Read about my cultural immersion into the highbrow world of opera – or as I prefer to think of it, From Here to Eternity.

A Night at the Opera – Act Two – Last year, I did something really stupid. I listened to my wife. More specifically, I agreed to join her for a night at the opera. After my maiden opera experience a year ago, I swore I would never endure that punishment again. And then I went back. Read my advice for how to prepare for the ordeal if you can’t wriggle out of it the next time your spouse insists on going.

My Visit to Authentic Scotland (Sort of) – Read my story about the afternoon my wife and I spent exploring many aspects of Scottish culture at a local Scottish Highland Games. We saw men trying to throw telephone poles over their heads, young girls dancing around swords, marching pipe bands playing the most God-awful sounding music I’ve ever heard, and many men in skirts who could have easily beat the crap out of me.

The Seattle Seahawks’ Secret Weapon: ME – I don’t want to brag, but there is a reason my Seattle Seahawks have been very successful the past few seasons. If you guessed great coaching, dominating defense or players with amazing athleticism, these are great guesses. But you’d be wrong. Their secret weapon is yours truly.

Vacation Adventures for High-Strung Travelers – If you’re an inexperienced traveler, international travel can be a bit scary. Not anymore, thanks to High Anxiety Tours. They’ll do the worrying for you – unless you lost your passport. Then, yeah, you’re kinda screwed, buddy.

The League of (Un)Extraordinary Gentlemen – Three times a week I join a group of other older guys for men’s doubles racquetball. I don’t want to brag about how incredibly good I am at this game, in part, because I don’t feel good about lying.

A Day at the Races – Recently I went to a drag racing competition for the first time in my life. If you’re not familiar with this sport, here’s what you need to know. The cars go insanely fast. To be allowed into the stands, they strongly encourage you to cover at least 25% of your body with flamboyant tattoos you’ll eventually regret.

Soap Box Derby – The Thrill of it All – You can take your top-fuel eliminator dragsters that go from zero to 300 in 4 seconds. I’ll take my race car spectator sport in the slow lane. The very, very slow lane.

My Visit to Whimsical Chumleighland – I am not quite sure how to describe what Chumleighland is. But here is how their website explains it: “Vaudeville, Variety, Music and other Esoteric Arts! A Ten Acre Campout Venue–All the Ambiance of a Third World Vacation WITHOUT the Cholera or Parasites!” Still confused? So was I.

Family & Parenting

Family & Parenting

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Warning signs you may be experiencing Kronic Incessant Disorder Syndrome (KIDS) – In recent decades there has been an explosion in the reported cases of KIDS. There are more people grappling with the symptoms of this chronic condition now than at any previous time in human history. Learn whether you may have KIDS and what you can do about it.

Encourage your Challenging child – through POSITIVE parentingIf there is one thing I’ve learned as a parent, it’s that in the end, your kids will crush your dreams, ignore all your well-intentioned advice, join a biker gang, and never write you to thank you for teaching them how to ride a bike. But if there is a second thing I learned, it’s that you need to be positive.

Memo to our kids: The family has decided to downsize – It was a difficult decision. But I looked at the future cash flow projections and our dwindling retirement fund, and I make the hard choice. I had to let our two kids go. But the severance package is more than fair, if you ask me.

Lessons in bonding – By the time my daughters reached college age, they no longer felt they needed my help for anything – except for money for airfare home to visit their friends. So recently, when one of them emailed me for help, I was able to use this opportunity to bond with her, and help her work through some very thorny, complex problems – like the difference between then and than.

Always lie to your kids – When it comes to the keys to good parenting, there are tons of advice books out there all claiming they have figured it out. But if you ask me, the key to being a good parent is to lie to your children – as often as you can – ideally starting while they are still in the womb.

Better parenting though polling – Politicians have been using polling data for decades to help them gauge voter sentiment and make more informed policy decisions. Now you can apply the same techniques the politicians use to make far more informed parenting decisions.  It may not help you make better parenting decisions. But at least now you can point the blame to someone else.

A Millennial’s Bill of Rights – Read this important proclamation written by five very promising millennials named Ryan, Amanda, Justin, Kayla and Tyler – which they will get around to proclaiming – just as soon as they respond to the latest text message sent to them from Ryan, Amanda, Justin, Kayla or Tyler. 

My High School Commencement Address: “You’re All Whiners, I mean Winners!” – Recently, I was given the unique opportunity to give a high school commencement address. I used this time to share with these graduating seniors my thoughts about life after high school. But I’m not totally sure they heard me, seeing as I was vying for their attention with whatever was blasting in their ear buds and whoever they were texting. I’m sure my profound counsel will sink in eventually.

The Secret Rules of Chess – As a parent, I have long tried to be a role model for my children. I have always striven to teach my daughters fundamental values like honesty and good sportsmanship – except when it came to chess. Then all bets were off. I taught my girls my Secret Rules of Chess, which, when I employ them, no eight-year-old chess wizard can defeat me.

How to help your child with their middle school science fair project There comes a time in every parent’s life they dread more than just about any other. That’s right. I’m talking about the day your child comes home from school and says, “Dad, can you help me with my science fair project?” My best advice: Seek immediate political asylum in France.

My advice to the graduating class: Don’t use Sunscreen – My annual “commencement address” to the graduating class of 2010. Hey, mom and dad, you could learn a thing or two as well from my sage advice, gained from years of making horrible academic and career mistakes.

“You Kids Have It So Easy!” (Parental Lecture, Year 2038 Edition)What will parental lectures be like if someday in the future my now adult daughters decide to have kids of their own? I can only imagine how that talk will go.

A Parent’s Commencement Address to His College Graduates – Recently both of my daughters graduated from college. This is the transcript of my parental commencement address to the two of them and my advice for having a successful career – mainly by avoiding doing anything their father did along the way.

Are all teenage daughters evil? (Part one of a two-part post) – What a silly question. Of course not. Perhaps 85% of them are, tops. Read why most teenage daughters are evil and why you’re not the failure as a parent that you think you are. (I just said that to be nice. Actually, you are a failure.)

Is your own teenage daughter evil? Take this quiz to find out (Part two of a two-part post) – Take this simple test to find out conclusively whether or not your teenage daughter is evil or just moderately wicked. Don’t worry. There’s at least a 30% chance your daughter is not the spawn of Satan.

Who’s the King (or Queen) of Your Castle?Take a quick quiz to find out if you’re still the King (or Queen) or the farm hand. This post offers several brilliant suggestions for how to take back your kingdom – if it’s not too late, which in your case, it probably is. Sorry.

If you’re not a Chinese Tiger Mom, your kids will end up in prison – Take a short quiz to find out whether you’re a good parent or not.  This article explores what it means to be a Chinese Tiger Mother and how that compares with say, an Antelope Father or a Musk Ox Aunt.

Six Simple Steps to becoming a Chinese Tiger Mother – Now you too can become a Chinese Tiger Mother. Step one: Become Chinese. Okay, so that could be a problem for someone from Idaho.  If you love your kids, try my six-step system and your kids will thank you – in about 40 years.

VFTB’s Failsafe five-step strategy to guarantee your kid a spot in PrincetonWorried your child might not even get into their safety school, Burger King University? Relax. Follow this step-by-step guide and your student will be assured a spot in Princeton – just so long as their grandpa is the Dean of the Business School.

Six strategies to take the worry out of saving for your kids’ college education – If you’re like most parents of kids approaching college age, you know that saving for college is a daunting challenge. Which is why I suggest never having kids in the first place and buying that condo in Hawaii instead. But if you must have kids, here’s my guide to surefire ways to take the stress out of saving for college.

Look, Daddy! I landed the Space Shuttle!Inspired by the loving air traffic controller at JFK International who let his son take over the controls at work, thousands of caring dads all over the USA are taking their kids to work with them. What could possibly go wrong?

Dr. Tim, Help me! My daughter has a boyfriend  – It started with this letter in my mail bag: “Dr. Tim: My 16-year old daughter now has a boyfriend. Should I kill myself?”  The answer, of course, is “Probably yes.” Read my advice to parents about teenage boys here. And keep that boy Axel away from your daughter. Trust me. He’s bad news.

Nine things I wish I hadn’t worried about so much as a parent – Part 1 – I realize now that for the past 16 years, I should have worried less about getting my kids to brush their teeth and more about how to cure my slice in golf. Now that I think about it, both things have one thing in common: They were both exercises in futility from the outset.

Nine things I wish I hadn’t worried about so much as a parent – Part 2 – Okay, so I couldn’t say it all in one blog post. Truth is there are a lot of things I worried about that I shouldn’t have.  Good thing my two daughters were able to overcome the humiliation of having me as a dad.

Freshman Year College Essentials Packing Checklist…. Item 756: their 1,649-piece fourth grade seashell (remnants) collection – There comes a day in every parent’s life that can be very difficult – the day you send your child off to college, and later realize they secretly took your iPad with them. Read my advice, based on my own actual experience, on how to prepare for this difficult day. And no, you won’t get your iPad back.

Preparing for life as an Empty Nester and hoping for an occasional text from my kids – In just a few months, both of my daughters will be off to college, leaving me and my wife alone in our house. The adjustment to life without kids will be extremely hard. But somehow, I will try to manage, starting with booking a cruise to the Caribbean. Or maybe a bike tour of Tuscany. Or perhaps sailing lessons in Cabo. Gosh, I’ll miss my kids.

Meet the world’s smartest person – my daughter. I had no idea that my child was the smartest person in the world but it’s true – at least, based on the fact that ever since she was age 7, she has apparently ALWAYS been right about EVERYTHING, and her parents have always been lame.

A parent’s survival guide for when your college kid returns home for the holidays – It’s the day their college student returns home for Christmas break. At first mom and dad are filled with excitement at being reunited with their child … until she tells you to drop her off on the way home from the airport, so she can hang with her buddy Marisa. And that’s the last you’ll see of your child until it’s time to take them back to college.

When it came to the journey of parenthood, I took a guilt trip – As a parent, I have struggled with feelings of guilt. Was I too strict a parent? Was I too lenient? Was I wrong to require them to mow the lawn when they were toddlers? Should I have intervened sooner when they started drinking beer at age seven? I did the best I could.

“Will you take $750 for that 2013 BMW?” – Helping my teenager buy her first car – Read my harrowing, exhausting experience helping my daughter purchase a car. My advice: Do whatever you can to forestall this experience until sometime after your death.

What we WISH we could say to our kids – Being a parent requires enormous patience.  But just for once, wouldn’t it be nice to tell your kid what you REALLY want to say to them when they make a boneheaded decision and create a mess that you have to clean up?

I love you, Daddy, but not enough to give you my Snickers bar – When I look back at the time when our girls were young, some of my fondest memories involve my Halloween outings trick or treating with my girls.

Things My Father Taught Me – When I was young, my father would often pull me aside and teach me valuable life lessons, to help prepare me for the hard, sometimes cruel world I would face when it was time to fly on my own. Like how to walk, how to sit in a chair, and how to eat with a spoon. Did I mention I was 18 at the time?

My Overdue Thank-You Letter – I have written many, many thank-you letters in my lifetime. To employees, bosses, friends, my wife, and even one ex-girlfriend. But it occurs to me, there are still two individuals I’ve never sent a special thank-you letter to – my daughters. It’s way overdue.

When it comes to our kids, winning isn’t everything. Whining is….. – We parents put way too much pressure on our kids to succeed, work hard and be nice to others.  It’s not our job to prepare them for the harsh realities of adulthood that is around the corner. That’s their future therapist’s job.

Love, Marriage & Relationships

Love, Marriage & Relationships

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Don’t let your dishwasher destroy your marriage – Being married for 25 years takes commitment and hard work, especially if you’re married to me.  Our marriage has survived many ups and downs. But it was a major household appliance that drove our marriage to its knees.  Read how we were able to overcome our differences about dirty dishes.

My sports-impaired wife – I love my wife, but she knows about as much about sports as our cats know about politics.  To her, the best part of a watching a football game is that she can lie on the couch and read a book about ancient Pompeii while completely ignoring what’s happening in the football game.  So, I cheer for my team alone, in quiet desperation.

Fifty shades of white – When your wife asks you to go to Home Depot with her to pick out white paint for one of your rooms, be prepared for a long outing. You might want to request a couple vacation days. You’re going to be there a while.

Being a People Please Can Get You into Trouble – I have a problem. I have difficulty saying no to other people because I don’t want to disappoint them. Usually that’s not a problem. But sometimes I get entangled in situations where normal people’s flight response kicks in. But not me. And that’s where the problems come in.

My Sister’s Plot to Kill Me – I love my sister. But sometimes she comes up with the inanest ideas. This is the 100% true story about an adventure she goaded me into doing with her, which almost cost me my life.

My Visit with Mom – My mom is 97 years old. Her hearing, vision and short-term memory have all declined badly in the last couple years. She can’t go anywhere without a wheel-chair. But none of this seems to dampen her incredibly positive attitude about life. This is the story of my recent visit with a wonderful, kind, and remarkable woman I am proud simply to call “mom.”

Researchers unlock the key to a happy marriage: Husbands, let your wives do ALL the housework – A recent Norwegian study shows that marriages in which men share equally in the housework have a 50% higher divorce rate.  The survey sample consisted of 1,500 husbands who really sucked at doing housework.

The Truth About Lying – Researchers conclude that people have been telling lies ever since Columbus told the Native Americans, “We come in peace.” Maybe longer. Take me. I’m a professional liar. I make my living by lying, by which I mean humor writing. Last year alone I earned $3 million as a humor writer. (It’s possible that the previous sentence was a slight exaggeration.) So, when it comes to deceiving others, trust me. I know what I’m talking about.  

12 things I admire about my dad – By Emily Jones – I decided to invite my high-school-aged daughter to write a guest post and she decided to write about all the things she admires about me.  Turns out the title of the post is just a tad misleading, unless you consider the fact that she hates how I always nag her about cleaning up her room to be something she admires about me.

At Least I’m Not My Dad – When my kids were young, they would routinely whine about how strict a parent I was. They have no idea. If only they knew my father, or his father, or his father’s father…

Signs My Daughter Loves Me – There comes a time in every parent’s life when they start to wonder, “Do my kids love me back?” It took me a while to detect the signs my own rebellious younger daughter loved me. But I just had to look – really, really hard. But when I did, I discovered the signs are there.

Wedding vows I don’t remember making – Don’t get me wrong. I love my wife. I am deeply committed to my marriage – unless Jennifer Aniston becomes available.  Still, sometimes I wonder if I pledged all the things in my vows that my wife insists I did. But her memory is better than mine.  Not sure what I was thinking at the time. But a promise is a promise.

Forgotten wedding vows – a wife’s rebuttal – This week, Tim’s wife demands equal time to explain what it’s like to be married to a humor writer with the maturity of an eleven-year-old. And that’s probably his best quality. It gets worse. Much, much worse – according to his wife.

A letter to my younger self: Jocelyn will never go out with you – And other helpful advice – If I could write a letter to me back when I was much younger, there are so many humiliating mistakes I could have helped myself avoid. Then again, knowing me, I probably would have paid no attention to advice from letters sent to me from 50 years in the future, particularly if they were from me.

Household Budget Super Committee reaches 11th hour compromise – After months of gridlock and heated name-calling on both sides, the Jones-Rushworth budget super committee reach a last minute compromise, over the objections of lobbyists, and by lobbyists, we mean our teenage daughters.

My True Story of The Greatest Prom Night of All TimeWhen it comes to prom season, I am always taken back to that memorable, magical evening of my high school prom in my senior year. It was almost like a fairy tale in every way, except for the beginning, the middle and the conclusion. But otherwise, it was a perfect evening.

Before you get romantically involved, don’t forget the Relationship Agreement50% of couples that marry today end up getting divorced. That’s shocking.  So, I’ve created a useful standardized Relationship Agreement to help couples set some ground rules upfront in the spirit of understanding and compromise. If every couple used my relationship agreement form, before you knew it, the divorce rate would plummet to 49%.

How to Be More Spiritual Than Your Friends – In the game of life, it’s not just who makes the most money or has the nicest house. It’s also about being a better person. And by better person, I, of course, mean better than the other guy you’re competing with for a slot in Heaven. Learn what you need to know to gain the spiritual edge over everyone on your Christmas list.

The Joys and Perils of Working For My Wife – Recently I decided to join my wife in her business. What could possibly go wrong? Our skill sets are remarkably complementary. On the one hand, my wife is an extremely talented portrait artist. And on the other hand, I am the husband of an extremely talented portrait artist.

It’s a Wonderful Life (but it could have been better) Part 1 – I had a dream, much like that Jimmy Stewart film, It’s a Wonderful Life. In my dream, my guardian angel showed me what life would have been like had I never been born, in order to show me the impact I’ve had on so many people’s lives. Turns out, um, not so much after all, really.

It’s a Wonderful Life (but it could have been better) Part 2 – The conclusion of this two-part post.

I have discovered the Fountain of Youth – I may not have discovered a cure for cancer yet (still working on it) but I have discovered the Fountain of Youth. I now feel 20 years younger almost overnight. What’s my secret? Move somewhere where everyone is 20 years older than you.

My Fifty First Dates – Whether you’re 15 or 51, most of us will be thrust into a first date at some point in our lives. I’ve had many first dates in my life – a few of them were actually not excruciating. Learn from my actual experience what NOT to do, if you want to have any chance of going out with your special someone a second time.

Breaking up with an English Teacher – This is the story of two people, Roxanne and Virgil, a pair of star-crossed lovers who did not know how to communicate with each other. Virgil was an English teacher and he tried to help Roxanne work on her grammar skills.  That’s where he went wrong.

In Life, My Wife Got Shortchanged – My wife suffers from a mysterious medical disorder. She’s had to accept her condition her entire life.  You see, she suffers from VID – Vertical Impairment Disorder. If you’re still not tracking, let me explain. She’s short! Read how she has bravely soldiered on despite this affliction.

A Husband’s Burden – Clothes Shopping with His Wife – The key to a long, happy marriage is to be patient with your partner, keep the lines of communication open, respect each other’s differences, and try as hard as possible not to get sucked into going shopping with your wife.

Mr. Popularity – The Early Years – I know what you’re thinking. Tim, have you always been this cool, this charming, this adored by the women, this comfortable making false claims in writing? The answer, surprisingly, is no. I used to be quite shy and awkward. Now I’m just embarrassing to my wife and kids. But it used to be much different, back in the day.

Women, help end discrimination against men. Get struck by lightning. – For years the media has highlighted discrimination against women. It’s time someone spoke up about rampant discrimination men suffer, starting with the fact that men are five times more likely than women to get struck by lightning. We must end this blatant sex discrimination once and for all.

Our Furry Friends

Our Furry Friends

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An important message from your cat – There are a couple items of business that your cat needs to discuss with you, starting with some apparent confusion you over whose house this is. Your cat sets the record straight in this guest commentary.

My Cat Buddy Announces His Bid for the Presidency in 2020My cat Buddy has decided that he wants to run for president. Why vote for my cat to be your next Commander-in-Chief? First, you’ll never catch him sleeping with a Playboy model (unless she scratches him behind the ears – then all bets are off). Read his argument, and please, keep an open mind, won’t you?

Welcome to Cat.Match.com – Why should humans be the only ones allowed to find their soulmate online? That’s about to change thanks to CatMatch.com. Now cats can find their purr-fect soul mate with just a few keystrokes – just as soon as they can figure out how to use a mouse.

The Very Happy Story of Snowball and MooMoo – This is the story of two very playful kittens who got into all sorts of misadventures but always – ALWAYS – had a very fun time. Sometimes, maybe just a little bit too fun….

How to (Almost) Kill Kittens Without Really Trying – If you’re planning to kill your kittens, perhaps I can help. This is the scarily true story of how I almost played an unwitting role in the demise of five adorable foster kittens and their mom. [Spoiler alert: It has a happy ending.]

Stories from the Cat House – My wife and I run a cat house. Oh, no, I didn’t mean a brothel. Trust me, my wife would never let me try running that kind of business again. I mean, we foster kittens. It’s a ton of fun – especially if you love scooping up kitten poop six times a day.

Health & Fitness

Health & Fitness

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Have You Heard About Dyzastra? If you haven’t where have you been? It’s the latest miracle pill that cures everything. Oh, no big deal, but there may be just a few teensy weensy unpleasant side effects.

Important Health Safety Warning: These Foods Will Kill You! – Turns out that a lot of foods are really, really bad for you. Even 32-ounce bottle of water can kill you, especially if it falls on your head from a height of 5,000 feet. Read this week’s important health scare, er, alert, about some which foods can kill. Spoiler alert: Brussels sprouts is one of 5 foods that is actually not harmful.

I Recently Joined a Health Club. Eventually, I Might Even Try Using It. – Let’s just say I am easing into this fitness craze. Step one: Join a club. Step two: Think of a million excuses why you’re too busy to go to the club today.

I was snubbed by the U.S. Olympic Ski Team – If you watched the recent Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea, you no doubt witnessed many incredible performances. But there was one performance you missed: Mine. I was completely shut out of competing at the Winter Olympics. I don’t mind telling you, I’m more than a little ticked off about it.

The World’s Least Flexible Man – I may not be the fastest, strongest or nimblest man in the world. But there is one fitness category for which I’m confident I would be a contender: World’s Least Flexible Man. I signed up for a yoga class. Read about my gut-wrenching experience.

You Can Take a Hike – Hiking is one of America’s favorite pastimes, especially, if like me, you live in the Pacific Northwest. But I have never understood the appeal. Seems to me like way too much work just to see a bunch of rocks and trees. And once you reach the summit, good luck finding a Starbucks, let alone cell phone reception.

The Amazing Happiness Diet – Recently, I lost a lot of weight. No, I did not do one of those crazy fad diets. I created my own diet. I call it the Happiness Diet. There are only two steps involved. Easy-Peasy. Read how simple it is to lose weight – and friends – with my proven diet formula.

Stressed out meditation – Recently I’ve been experiencing a lot of stress in my life. So, I decided to purchase a meditation / relaxation CD to help me relax and clear out my mind. But I have to say, I’ve been listening to it. And I don’t think it’s actually helping. In fact, I think it’s making things worse. Not sure why.

The secret to happiness: Always remain twenty-three – A recent study by the London School of Economics concludes that the happiest ages are age 23 and 69. And the least happy age is age 55 – tied with any age range you were during the George Bush administration.

Lowering the bar (once again) on my New Year’s ResolutionsEvery year I write down my new year’s resolutions for the upcoming year. In this post, I review my resolutions from the past 30 years and make a startling discovery:  I suck at sticking with my new year’s resolutions.

Tracking my progress towards a slimmer, fitter me – For too many years I have made excuses for not taking better care of my body and my health. Ate too many donuts and ice cream and not enough asparagus. So, I came up with a new fitness regimen. And I am committed to getting rid of my old bad habits – right after I finish this pepperoni pizza. I’ll start tomorrow. I promise.

My Private Workout with Obama – People routinely accuse me of telling over-the-top fabricated stories, like having had a private workout with former President Obama. No, wait, that actually happened. This is the 100% partially true story of the time I pumped iron with Obama. Why would I make this up?

The Time I Tortured Myself for No Good Reason – I once ran in the New York Marathon. If you’ve never run a marathon and you happen to be someone I strongly dislike, I can’t recommend it highly enough. It’s a great way to waste four to six perfectly good hours punishing your body and shattering your emotional well-being. 

Forget About Putin. The Real Threat to America is Poutine. – I recently visited Canada and tried their most popular staple – a disgusting meal of greasy fries, cheese curds and gravy called Poutine. I barely made it back alive.

The secret to maintaining your New Year’s Resolutions – Every January 1st, millions of people start off the year making bold, ambitious New Year’s Resolutions. And every January 17th, all but about 23 of us have utterly failed and already given up. How do you break the cycle of failure? It’s simple – if you know the secret. And if you do, could you tell me? Because I have no idea.

I Have a Drinking Problem – I have been clean and sober for six months now. I also have been clean and sober for the past 62 years. That’s because I don’t drink. Never have. And that has caused more than a few drinking problems in my life.

The Upside of Getting Old – A lot of people complain about getting old. But not me. Now that I am in my sixties, I’ll admit that I’m not moving as fast as I used to. But there are many advantages to getting old – although at the moment, none of them comes to mind.

Getting a colonoscopy is better than having sex… with elephants, that is. And not by much. Read my true embarrassing story of my recent colonoscopy procedure. Warning: This post may not be suitable for people with weak colons. And kids, don’t try this at home.

Try PLACEBOLAX – VFTB’s exciting new miracle weight loss cure, and start losing it all today! – If you’re sick and tired of carrying around all that extra weight, try Placebolax. Before you know it, you’ll wonder where it all went. (Warning: Not recommended if you’re pregnant … or not.)

Forget about Low-Impact Aerobics. Try the latest fitness craze: No-Impact Yoga – For too long, millions of Americans have been straining, twisting and suffering through dangerous yoga classes. No more! Thanks to my amazing breakthrough No-Impact Yoga system. Try it today and see how relaxing and restful yoga can be. Sleep pillow and comfy blanket sold separately.

America ranks FIRST for Personal Energy Conservation (otherwise known as laziness) – America now has one more prestigious Number One ranking it can add to its collection: We’re number one for personal energy conservation. We won’t take second place to those damn Samoans.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Surgery – They say a picture is worth a thousand words. And sometimes those words are hilarious. Such is the case with one of the most embarrassing photos ever taken of me. It was so embarrassing that I decided to post it on Facebook and invited people to submit possible captions. Turns out there was no shortage of creative, or at least snarky suggestions for captions.

Pop Culture

Pop Culture Trends

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Welcome to Portland – If you’ve never visited Portland, you’re in for a treat. The vibe is laid back and nobody here knows how to tie a tie. Learn about the place young people go to retire. But when you visit, you’ll be expected to get a tattoo, like the locals. Make sure to select something tasteful – like a Star Wars storm trooper.

They’re coming for your car keys. Welcome to the world of self-driving cars – If you like the feel of the open road, the wind in your hair and the radio cranked up full volume as you head out on the great American road trip, well, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but they’re about to boot you out of the driver’s seat – forever.

My Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech – The 2018 Nobel Prizes are being announced. And rumor has it I’m on the short list to win the Nobel for literature. I know, I’m as shocked as you are. I have crafted my acceptance speech to deliver when I’m awarded the prize in Stockholm. It’s just a draft. I welcome suggestions to punch it up a bit.

America’s Great Debate: Pie or Cake? – Our nation has become polarized like no time in the past century. People have become siloed into their “tribes.” You’re either on OUR side or THEIR side – with no common ground. I am, of course, talking about the most heated debate tearing our nation apart – Pie or Cake.

The case against marriage equality – At the risk of offending both of my regular readers, it’s time I spoke up about something I feel passionately about. It’s time that the 90% of us right-handed Americans take our country back and stop letting left-handers marry and breed. Read my cogent argument for why we must take our nation back.

The perils of living in a state of stoners – I live in Washington State, one of the first two states to legalize recreational use of marijuana. Many people feared that legalization would unleash a torrent of addiction, crime, and fornicating with goats. The reality is much, much worse.

I’ve been having an affair. Please don’t tell my wifeRecently, my wife and kids were out of town for two weeks, and I was all alone – two weeks. A man has certain needs, ya’ know? So, I fell for another woman – Rachel Maddow. But the attraction was purely intellectual. Honest.

Man Cave 2.0 – a wife-friendly version – We are getting ready to move to our retirement dream home. And every man knows that his dream must include a very special room – a Man Cave. So, I wrote up a list of my requirements for what I wanted in my man cave. And then I ran it past my wife. The result? A more wife-friendly version of my original man cave plan.

My treasure trove revealed on Antiques Roadshow – Over my lifetime, I amassed a personal collection of artifacts possibly worth millions – okay, maybe not millions but for sure hundreds of thousands – okay maybe closer to thousands – okay, maybe not thousands, but for sure it would make for a hell of a garage sale.

The dangers of texting while breathing – The dangers of texting while driving have long been known. But the alarming truth is that even texting while walking can pose a serious health threat. Just as the California man who, while texting, walked straight into a bear. Fortunately, the bear was not harmed.

Don’t let email and Facebook take over your life – Millions of Americans are losing control over their lives, becoming slaves to checking their email and Facebook news feed. And I am here to show you how to break these chains of bondage – just as soon as I check out this latest offer email I got from Groupon.

Fashion Tip for Middle-Aged Men: Hair to Dye For – I’m 63 years young. But I have a touch of grey hair. So, I recently decided to do something about it by dying my hair. It was a snap. Read how you too can look weeks younger with my exclusive 22-step process to a younger, more vibrant you.

Police credit urban fashion trend in helping to catch criminals – As one of America’s foremost experts on criminology, I have come up with a brilliant way to catch more urban criminals and thugs – and it involves baggy pants.  Finally, a cost-effective way to catch criminals with their pants down.

America’s worsening attention span probl – Hey, Pam just texted meHave you noticed how recently it seems like everybody’s attention span is getting shorter and – Hey, I’m still talking here! As I said, have you ever noticed – Hey, where are you going? Oh, never mind…

Fashion advice for men who wear shorts – When is it appropriate to wear shorts? That’s the subject of this post. Men have been wearing shorts for as long as there have been bullies beating the crap out of other guys for, well, for wearing shorts. But heck, if it was good enough for the ancient Romans (shorts, that is, not beating the crap out of other people) then it’s good enough for me.

Rapture a non-event – Except for one lucky winner – The Rapture happened on May 21, 2011, and shockingly only one lucky winner got called by God to Heaven.  Don’t despair that you didn’t get picked. You still be around to watch the final episode of Oprah.

A Preview of TV’s Mid-season Replacement Reality ShowsWe have entered the Golden Age of Television. Check out some of the mind-expanding reality shows coming soon. If you think the Jerry Springer show is Must See TV, you’ll love what the cable channels have in store for you.

A Dark day in America – Black are getting happier – A recent study has found that over the past 40 years, blacks in America are getting happier while whites are getting unhappier. Why? Personally, I blame Obamacare. Read the shocking findings here.

Maybe the Mayans were right. Religious scholars say gay marriage a sign the end is near – Now that President Obama has publicly stated his support for gay marriage, millions of God-fearing Americans worry that we are approaching Judgment Day. One sign they may be right: Jersey Shore just got renewed for a fifth season.

The Tangled Truth about UHS: Uncombable Hair Syndrome – Every day thousands of Americans suffer from a little known chronic untreatable condition called UHS. Okay, well maybe not thousands.  Maybe more like hundreds. Well, at least a few dozen. Okay, maybe just Donald Dobson of Paducah, Kentucky. But for him, it’s no laughing matter.

Back away from the car, mom, and give the car keys to GrandmaContrary to widely-held public opinion, my elderly mother is a very safe driver. That’s the conclusion of a new State Farm Insurance study which conclusively concludes the following conclusion: Grandparents are safer drivers than parents when kids are in the car. So, turn over the keys to Grandma and just relax.

History Improved through technology: Martin Luther King’s Famous “I have a Dream” TweetCan there be a more wonderful enhancement to our lives than Twitter?  Now if only we could create Twitterized versions of the great speeches and historical texts. Then our kids could read Romeo & Juliet in seconds rather than weeks.

OMG! GR8 News. IC LOC has Twttr. Itz 4 Real. Deets B-low. TTYL RLWNM – The Library of Congress has digitally archived every public tweet ever twatted. And people say our government wastes taxpayer money. Learn more about this important step forward as a society – 140 characters at a time.

People and Things That Annoy Me

People and Things That Annoy Me

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WARNING: IMPROPER USE OF THIS PRODUCT COULD INDICATE YOU’RE AN IDIOT – Ever notice how just about every product has a helpful warning label to make sure you don’t, say, try to eat the batteries that come with the toy? Apparently, it seems that over the past 50 years, we’ve become a nation of idiots. 

My open letter to the guy crossing the street against traffic without looking up – We have all seen this person – the person who is completely oblivious to the impact they have on everyone around them, as they make everyone else wait for them to get done. This is my open letter to that person on behalf of all of the rest of us they’ve kept waiting all these years.

The Island of exceptional people – My wife and I recently moved from our suburban home to a lovely island home. The view of water and mountains are lovely. There is just one problem. Everyone we have met is extraordinarily talented and handy. And it’s really getting on my nerves.

Please Accept My Heartfelt Apology If I’ve Offended You – Over the years, I have unintentionally offended a lot of people in this humor blog. It’s time I personally apologize to some of the readers I have offended, starting alphabetically with Mr. Adam Abbottsford, who sounds like a complete idiot and a jerk. But I probably should not have written a post called Ten Reasons Why Adam Abbottsford is the biggest idiot and jerk in America.

Annoying People – I don’t really hate anybody. Hate is just not a word in my vocabulary – unless used in the context of “I hate broccoli”, in which case, “hate” is not strong enough a descriptor. Life is just too short to go around hating other people. But it’s not too short to point out people who annoy the hell out of me. I’ve plenty of time for that.

Sears’ customer guarantee: Delivery between 1:45 and 3:45pm – NO MATTER WHAT! – Read the actual 100% true retelling of my experience ordering a mattress from Sears. When they say they will deliver between 1:45 and 3:45, THEY MEAN IT!

My Sinkin’ Lincoln – So I rented the nicest car I had ever driven in my entire life – a brand new, fully loaded Lincoln. What a suhweet ride – until, that is, I took a wrong turn – a very, very wrong turn….

Trading Stories at My College ReunionRecently I attended my college class’s 40th reunion. I saw several former classmates whom I had not seen since the day I moved my tassel from the right side to the left side of my mortarboard. How in the world was I ever going to compete with these people’s amazing career success stories? Easy-peasy. I made it up.

Niagara Falls’ Latest Thrill Ride – The Quality Hotel and Suites – The true story of my one night stay at this hotel in Niagara Falls and the transcript of my letter to the hotel to thank them for a night I would never forget, starting with the ants in my bed.

Launching America’s next war: A War on Idiots – It’s about time we admit something about our War on Drugs: It’s been a huge success! It’s time to expand this war into a War on Idiots.   Urge your Congressperson to help end our idiocy problem now – starting with members of Congress.

Common Courtesy Rules for the 21st Century – If you still think you need to hold the door open for the person behind you or wave thank you when someone lets you in front of them in traffic, your concept of common courtesy is totally 20th century. It’s 2014 and the rules of courtesy have evolved.

Why does Montana hate me?  –  This humor blog has attracted (and repelled) readers from all over the world.  So why won’t anyone from Montana visit my site? Read my plan to win back the Big Sky state. Yes, it involves fly fishing.

The Myth of the Reliable Contractor – Ever notice how it seems like just about every contractor is a little flaky? Whether it’s the guy you hired to install new flooring or the one you called to repair your furnace, they’re all the same:  failing to show up as scheduled or even call you back. Why is this? Glad you asked. Turns out, they take a course.

Classmate Updates I’d Like to See – Once every three months, I experience pangs of inadequacy. That’s because my latest copy of my high school alumni newsletter arrives in the mail. That’s when I read the Class Notes and find out how much more successful everyone’s career has been than mine. Even that slacker Tony Gorzelnik, who never applied himself in school but now is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Sigh.

President Obama, deport my next-door neighbor. His lawn looks like crap. – Every day, thousands of Americans are signing petitions, asking our federal government to do everything from conduct a recount of the 2012 election to deport CNN’s Piers Morgan. It’s time I jumped on the bandwagon with a few petitions of my own.

In wake of Zimmerman verdict, Florida legislature criminalizes being black – The George Zimmerman trial split the state of Florida and the nation along racial lines. Realizing the state had to do something drastic, the Florida legislature has found a way to reduce crimes between blacks and whites once and for all.

Have you hugged a racist today? – A heated issue in the news in 2010 was immigration. Racial tensions are escalating. I did some research and it turns out that racists really aren’t so evil after all. They suffer from a medical disorder. Learn about their tribulations and give them a hug of understanding, won’t you?

Kanye West’s Guide to a Kinder, Nicer YOU! – Kanye West may be the nicest, kindest, most sensitive rapper mogul I have ever known. But people still wrongly judge him based on his tirade before Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards. I share a sneak preview of his new book on manners. You could learn a lot from his example.

Computers & Technology

Computers & Technology

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My love letter to my Internet Service Provider’s tech support help desk – Read my THANK YOU letter to my ISP,  detailing my gratitude for the 19-hour ordeal they put me through in which their tech support call center was unable to fix a problem that corrupted my computer that resulted from my installing their own internet security software to prevent internet security threats from corrupting my computer.

Alexander Graham Bell’s first phone call – using Skype – So what if Bell’s first phone call – the famous call he placed with Thomas Watson – was done via Skype? How might it have gone? Read this dramatic reenactment of how it might have sounded.

My fleeting friendship with an Internet Scammer – This is part one of my actual email exchange with the nicest man from Latvia wanting to purchase bleachers.  I thought I had made a new friend across cyberspace, only to learn that the scammer did not really want to be my friend after all. What a shock!

My fleeting friendship with an Internet Scammer – Part Two of Two – The rest of the story of my fleeting friendship.  Spoiler alert: Turns out he never did purchase my bleachers. What a disappointment. The boys in the factory had worked so hard on those shiny bleachers.

Jesus vs. the “Jesus Tablet” – a side by side comparison of our Savior vs. the Apple iPad – This side-by-side analysis compares the features of Apple’s iPad with Jesus Christ. Scoring them for features such as processing speed, multi-tasking and user interface, it’s a very close call. And the winner is…..?

The latest innovation from Google – Google Translate – Family Edition – The brilliant technologists at Google have improved their Translate service to help families understand each other better than ever. Now husbands can translate what their wives are nattering on about into plain English. Our lives may never be the same.

Alexa, Tell My Neighbor to Mow His Yard – If you don’t have an Amazon Echo device, you’re missing out on a cool consumer electronic. It will play music, turn on the lights remotely, talk to appliances, and so much more. But don’t try to ask it to swear – that’s the premium version and it costs extra.

Welcome to Windows 8 – Microsoft recently unveiled their latest operating system. Okay, so it has a few bugs. Read this helpful overview to make your user experience as easy as ru8r5c]=om ]o(I6(i68BVY^ 404 ERROR

No, Grandpa, that’s not how you beam up. Let’s go over this one more time – Recently my elderly mother got a computer for the very first time. It’s been a struggle for her to figure out how to use this contraption. It got me to wondering: What modern gizmos will be a part of everyday life when I get old, that I will have absolutely no clue how to use – like trying to tweet a photo on my cell phone.

The joy of buying a new computer – Buying a new computer is easy-peasy. But don’t forget to transfer all your data from your old computer to your new one. What could possibly go wrong, right? This is the 100% true retelling of my experience buying a new computer and spending the next week with tech support, trying to unravel the mystery of what the hell had they done with all my data.

Hey, this blogging thing is a snap!My very first blog post – discussing the challenges of setting up my blog. Please don’t judge me by this maiden voyage post.  The posts get better over time. Honest. At least that’s what my wife tells me. But then, she tells me she likes my ties too.

Society / In the News

Society / In the News

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NRA solves gun violence problem: Bullet-proof vests for every American – The national debate on gun control has escalated recently.  The NRA recently took a bold stance, arguing that what America needs to solve the problem is MORE guns. The fact that this would result in millions in additional gun sales for NRA member gun dealers is strictly a coincidence.

So, you think you know Canada, eh? Seven myths about our neighbors to the northHaving been married to a Canadian for 25 years, and having understood her for 9 of those years, I’ve learned a few things about Canada that may surprise you – like the fact that not every Canadian lives in igloos – although most of them dream about owning one someday.

We Interrupt This Breaking News for Breaking News – You ever notice how when you watch any of the major news networks, every story is BREAKING NEWS? It seems to me it’s gotten a little out of control. Check out the breaking news stories that CNN recently aired and tell me if you don’t agree.

It’s Not Too Late to Get Your Child Ready for the 2028 Olympic Games – The 2028 games are only 12 years away. So, if you have plans for Olympic glory for your child, what are you waiting for? Time to get cracking. Read my formula for Olympic superstardom for your child. Start by removing from their daily life anything that gives them feelings of happiness.  

Announcing a new and improved name for the Washington Redskins – In recent months, the controversy over the name of the Washington Redskins NFL team has gained momentum. Many people feel the term “Redskins” paints a racially demeaning stereotype of Native Americans. So, I have come up with a way to solve this problem once and for all.

United Airlines Brings Back Its Friendly Skies – In light of recent horrible press the airline received for throwing a paying passenger off one of its planes, United is scrambling to regain their customers’ trust. They’ve rolled out an impressive list of passenger engagement improvements. Here’s just one: No longer will passengers be tasered for asking for a second bag of peanuts.  

NFL addresses fan discontent by hiring new replacement referees from Foot Locker – After a dramatic Monday Night Football game which ended in a controversial game-changing blown call by the referee, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that he plans to fire all the referees and replace them with Footlocker store clerks.

The Myth about Global Warming –if you ask me, there is absolutely no proof that global warming exists or that man has played any part in it – unless you happen to be swayed by those silly little scientifically validated research studies with their fancy charts and graphs.  I rebut their claims once and for all. (This post sponsored by Exxon Mobile.)

Help your town. Become a criminal – Increasingly cities and towns throughout America are struggling to cover the cost of providing basic services. No one supports raising taxes to cover the budgetary shortfall. So how can you help your town survive this economic crisis? Simple. Start breaking the law – every chance you get. 

8,000 drunken sailors sent on a mission to capsize Guam – Why didn’t the mainstream media cover this urgent news story? The people of Guam are at risk of their island tipping over from an invasion of US sailors. Don’t believe me? Just ask a US Congressman from Georgia. 

World’s Oldest Person dies – AGAIN In what can only be described as an epidemic of tragedy, the World’s Oldest Person died again. When will our nation’s leaders stand up and take action to stop this never-ending cycle of death from taking so many innocent lives?  

Communities on high alert in wake of killer guinea pig attacks – Authorities in Australia report that in one community, guinea pig attacks equaled the number of shark attacks. It’s time Americans wake up and realize that millions of us have a deadly killer living in our homes within inches of our precious kids. And that killer’s name is Fluffy, or perhaps Mr. Bubbles. 

A Solution to Our Prison Problem – Soccer Balls – The cost of housing our 2 million prisoners is growing exponentially. Finally, an innovative solution from the Argentina prison system that just might work, if we can just work out a few tiny bugs in the plan. 

World Cup Special Offer from VFTB: Vuvuzela music lessons – Kids half price! World Cup soccer was all the craze in the summer of 2010. And the world fell in love with the sound of the Vuvuzela horn.  Learn more about this amazing pop phenomenon and save money on lessons. Act now.

Seattle’s narrow escape from the icy grip of winter – In a weather crisis no one saw coming, Seattle endured ten straight days of a winter pounding. Oh no, there was no snow. No ice. No brutally cold wind chill. No, we endured something far worse: Sun glare.

Be prepared for the Apocalypse – Oh and have a nice day – I just read that the End of the World is rapidly approaching. No biggie, but I just thought you might like to start getting prepared for the end of western civilization. But that can wait until after the game is over. Go, Bears!

A moment of sadness – America’s greatest inventor has tossed his last toss – There have been many important inventors who have changed the course of our great country, but none, perhaps more important than Walter Morrison, the inventor of the Frisbee. 

My fun weekend at the Royal Wedding with Willy and KateSometimes, you just have to be impulsive to get the most out of life. So that’s why I decided not to mow the lawn this weekend and attend the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton instead.

First Lady Michelle Obama – Coming soon to an Applebee’s near you – America’s First Lady can be seen just about everywhere lately.  I mean everywhere. Hang out at your local Costco long enough, and I’m pretty sure she’ll show up eventually, probably hawking a new juicer.

History – As Told by Forgotten Newspaper Headlines – There have been some shocking headlines lately, like the NY Post front page with Hillary Clinton and the headline, “DELETER OF THE FREE WORLD.”  Scandalous, in-your-face front-page headlines are nothing new. Check out some historic front pages you may have missed. 

Bad Ideas in the News – Every now and then I read stories about people and businesses making incredibly boned headed moves. They remind me that no matter how badly I may feel about my life, all over the world, there are people making me look like a veritable genius by comparison.

Vancouver Olympics – Have you no shame? – My in-depth undercover report on the seamy dark under-belly of the 2010 Olympic Winter Games. Canadians should be ashamed of their games, their country and their accent.

Tally Ho! Exclusive VFTB Preview of the London 2012 Summer Olympics – Just in time for the 2012 Summer Games, VFTB takes you behind the scenes to learn about several new sports introduced for this year’s Games.  Personally, I can’t wait to see Queen Elizabeth compete in the Corgi Toss, even if she is a bit of a dark horse.

View from the Bleachers’ Annual Predictions Issue – 2041 Edition Okay, so I have not had a lot of success with past Annual Predictions issues. This time I gaze out 30 years into the future and make some bold predictions. Since I probably won’t be around by then, I really don’t care how far off the mark I might be.

2014 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – Part 1: January – June– A look back at the major news stories of the first half of 2014. Who could have known at the time that Russia would do such a great job of hosting the Olympic Games and then just two weeks later fuck everything up with an invasion of its next-door neighbor Ukraine?

2014 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – Part 2: July – December  – A look back at the major news stories of the second half of 2014. If you enjoy reading about deadly viruses, murderous terrorists and criminal kidnappers, well, then you’re one twisted dude. This installment doesn’t discuss any of those horrible events of the past year. Sorry to disappoint.  

My predictions for 2013: It is going to snow a lot…. somewhere… eventually  – In past years, I have made some incredible, shocking predictions.  What’s not so incredible or shocking is that almost none of them ever came true. So, this year, I am going to play it a bit more conservative, in the hopes that at least one of my predictions finally comes true.

2012 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – Part 1: January – June – A look back at the major news stories of the first half of 2012. Who could have known at the time that investing in Facebook would be a bad move or that Newt Gingrich would not become our next president?

2012 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – Part 2: July – December – Part 2 of our Year in review.  What an incredible six months it was. The Presidential Election, The David Petraeus sex scandal, Hurricane Sandy and the amazing London Olympic Games were just a few of the important stories we totally forgot to include in this very special report.  Every now and then, I take stock of tiny news stories which catch my attention – in particular, stories about people and businesses making bone-headed moves.

View from the Bleachers’ Annual Predictions for the Year Ahead – 2010 Edition – Every now and then, my psychic ability to predict what will happen in the world in the upcoming year is eerily accurate. 2010 was not one of those years. 

2010 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – If you thought my 2009 Year in Review was good, wait till you read my 2010 Year in Review. From The drama (and trauma) of the Vancouver Winter Games to the Gulf oil spill to the rise of the Tea Party to the landmark Healthcare Reform Act. There is something to piss off everybody. (This issue is a two-parter. For Part II, click here.)

2009 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – My recap of the stories that really mattered to the world in 2009 – from Susan Boyle’s stunning performance on Britain’s Got Talent to the stunning passing of Michael Jackson to the stunning launch and survival of View from the Bleachers.  

VFTB Exclusive: Breaking News!  Sheen and Gaddafi agree to a job swapThis week features a VFTB Exclusive – a breaking news story that will stun the world. I just brokered a peace deal that may help the world avert not one but two international crises. I am proud to say that yours truly has brokered a tentative deal in which Muammar Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen have agreed to swap jobs.  

VFTB Exclusive: Americans mourn the sudden passing of Osama in Laden – In this shocking expose, VFTB reveals that thousands of Americans are discouraged and disheartened over the news of President Obama’s decision to take out Osama bin Laden – starting with Donald Trump.

Lindsay Lohan is NOT a milkaholic! – Will the media ease up on this American icon? She has been accused of being addicted to everything from cocaine to wine spritzers. But when you accuse her of being addicted to milk, you have crossed the line, mister.

Politics

Politics

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Dear American Refugees, Welcome to Canada – Bienvenue au Canada. We’re delighted to have you here. We’re not sure what in the world is happening to your country, but we are happy to give you a place of refuge away from the insanity. No need to lock the door. You’ll be safe here. You’re in Canada. Hope you enjoy your stay, eh?

BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America – On the heels of the UK’s decision to exit the European Union, a groundswell of support leads the USA to follow Britain’s lead and secede from North America.

Joe Biden Facing Claims of Decent Behavior – Here we go again. Another major political figure caught up in the glare of sexual scandal. Read this shocking report of accusations by dozens of women about the former VP’s longstanding pattern of sexual propriety and compulsively decent behavior, with women – and even with men.

Alabama Proposes Reinstating Slavery – Alabama’s Republican-controlled State Senate recently passed the strictest anti-abortion law in the nation. Emboldened by their success, the Alabama legislature is now pushing through even more groundbreaking legislation. You’re going to love what they have in store, so long as you’re not female, black, non-Christian evangelical or literate.

America is the greatest nation on earth – In your FACE, Denmark – Independence Day is a time to reflect on why America is a better country than say, Portugal or Brazil, and to give thanks that we don’t live in a place like Norway. It’s dark 10 months of the year there. And don’t even get me started about that hellhole called Luxembourg.

Announcing My Candidacy for President of the United States  – I am sick and tired of the presidential candidates all telling outrageous lies and making ridiculous promises that they cannot keep. That’s my job. That’s why I’m running for president.

Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM – In what is the most historic presidential election since 2012, this year’s election presents our nation with several landmark firsts: The first woman nominee for president from a major political party, the first racist, sociopath lunatic whack job candidate to be nominated by a major party, and the first man ever named TIM to be on a presidential ticket. I could never be prouder – or terrified – than I am right now.  

Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020 The 2016 presidential election is over, which means it’s time to start forecasting who the 2020 candidates will be. One surprising name who is rumored to be throwing his hat into the ring for 2020 is Howard Stern. I know this because I’m the one who just leaked it in the previous sentence.

I have solved our nation’s debt problem – no need to thank me – Part 1 of 2) – By every credible estimate, our nation’s debt crisis is only going to get worse in the years to come. Finally, one brave American steps forward with a plan that just might work. That American would be me. Read my plan to eliminate our debt. And it does not involve tax hikes or deep spending cuts and only a small amount of blackmail.

I have solved our nation’s debt problem – no need to thank me – Part 2 of 2) – A lot like the post listed above, only even more brilliant. Compare the two and you decide, which solutions are better, okay?

The end of freedom in America. Blame it on the tyranny of Obamacare – Freedom in America stopped forever roughly in week five of the Obama presidency. Everything that is wrong with our country clearly is his fault, starting with health care reform, which was working wonderfully for the executives of the health insurance industry until he had to go muck everything up.

When it comes to my healthcare, give me liberty and give me death! – Recently the U.S. Supreme Court took up the issue of Obamacare and whether it’s constitutional. At issue:  Is Obama a Muslim terrorist hell-bent on destroying all of America’s basic freedoms or are all Rush Limbaugh fans complete idiots?

VFTB’s Take Back America, Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool KitDo you stress over government incompetence and inefficiency? Then try VFTB’s new Government-in-a-Box. We’re talking Government By the People – just the way our very first president, Abraham Lincoln, would have wanted it.

The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th Part 1 of 2 – What’s everybody so worried about with our growing debt problem? Just chillax. Our Tea Party representatives in Congress are ready to take control. They’ll have our debt problem resolved before you can say Ben Franklin impersonator. Read about some of their innovative solutions. Click here to read Part 2.

Torn about who to Vote for – Surprisingly this year, the political campaign rhetoric was on the negative side. I never knew how many socialist sympathizing, tax evading, terrorist pacifying, morally bankrupt politicians hell-bent on destroying our country were running for office this year.  So, I was a bit torn about who to vote for.

Let Our Corporations Speak – Thanks to a stunning, landmark US Supreme Court decision in January 2010, corporations now share the same right of free speech as individuals. I speculate on the many wonderful new opportunities that this may open up for our country as a result.

In Defense of Big OilThis post is my frontal assault on all those leftwing liberal global warming conspiracy fear-mongers who think we’re going to run out of oil next week. Trust me, we have several months before we have to be the least bit concerned.

And the winner is….. Obama???? – Upon learning that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, I did some investigative research and discovered a shocking list of other awards he was soon going to win. But the Westminster Dog Show’s Best in Show was not among them.

Great News: Wall Street is Back in Business! – Thank goodness the economy recovery is complete. Wall Street investment banks like Goldman Sachs recorded record bonus payouts at the end of 2009, a sure sign that you and I can rest comfortably knowing that everything is fine, even though your unemployment benefits run out next week.

Breaking News: WikiLeaks plans to release all your emails – In This VFTB exclusive, I break the lid off the WikiLeaks brouhaha by revealing WikiLeaks’ plans to release everybody’s emails – including your explosive 2006 email tirade to your ex-girlfriend trashing her for dumping you for your best friend. Now everybody knows what a skank she is.

Millions mourn as Obama conspires with Storm of Century to steal election – Seems the Democrats will stop at nothing to win an election – even bribing Mother Nature to play along. The Republicans are crying foul – mainly because they wished they’d thought of it first.

Was Romney’s horse on steroids at the Olympics? And other questions voters want answers to – The election is just around the corner. Voters have some vague idea about the differences in the candidates. Romney loves America, democracy and God. Obama hates all three. But where do they stand on the issues that really matter, like Who’s hotter, Angelina or Jennifer?

Why I’m switching my vote to Romney. Reason #17: I just like his hair – In 2008 I voted for Obama. But this year, I’m changing my vote to Romney.  Read my thoughtful analysis on why I changed my mind. The fact Mitt offered me the open Secretary of Commerce position hardly factored into my decision.

Election Update: Romney’s brilliant strategy to win the election – For a while there, it looked like Romney’s chances of the presidency were slipping away. And then he came up with a brilliant “Go Rogue” strategy to win the election – just so long as every single minority forgets to vote.

Meet Howard and Marjorie Grundfeldt – America’s last remaining undecided voters – The 2012 presidential election has become so close that it looks likely to come down to one state. Make that one city. Make that one couple. Read how both campaigns are courting their vote.

My brilliant idea for getting Congress to work TOGETHER: drafting bills NOBODY can oppose – It seems that nothing can break the gridlock in our nation’s Congress. So I decided to come up with ideas for legislation that NOBODY could possibly oppose. Turns out this is harder than it sounds to do.

Tax deductions I’d like to see – I have proposed some new tax deductions for Congress to consider. Don’t worry. It’s not some ridiculous scheme like trying to claim the entire population of Guam as your dependents. Besides, I tried that on my 2005 tax return. Boy, was that a painful lesson.

BP has a plan to solve the gulf oil problem, and another plan, and another plan… – Well, you knew I had to weigh in on this topic since it was the only thing on the news for three months. I don my investigative reporter cap and share several back up plans that BP was prepared to unveil if they could not stop the leak. I plan to try some of them with my lawn the next time my sprinkler won’t shut off.

GOP eyes Watson the Computer as front-runner candidate for 2012 election – Recently, IBM’s super computer named Watson defeated two past champions on the quiz show Jeopardy! Well, you knew it was just a matter of time before Republican strategists vetted him for the 2012 election. (First in a two-part series.)

Watson vs. Palin mock presidential debate – Who will win? – I go behind the scenes and witness a mock presidential debate between Sarah Palin and Watson the computer. You won’t find this sort of coverage in any other serious news outlet. Find out who wins in this VFTB Exclusive. (Second in a two-part series.)

GOP Halloween Haunted House of Terror – ENTER IF YOU DARE!!! – If you thought most Halloween Haunted Houses were scary, they’re like Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood compared to the latest crop of GOP presidential hopefuls. Check out the GOP Haunted House.  It’s terrifying.

Confessions of a Reformed Bleeding-Heart Liberal – I used to be a left wing liberal – that is until President Obama crossed the line and preached the socialist message that our kids should stay in school and study hard. How dare he try to indoctrinate our kids like that!

Trump (yes, he needs his own category)

Trump (yes, he needs his own category)

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BREAKING NEWS: Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall – Due to all the tumult along its southern border, with caravans of desperate people – including, no doubt, many dangerous criminal elements – the nation’s chief executive finally issued an executive order – to protect his people once and for all.

Top Stories, As Reported by Trump News Network – So much of the news over the past two years has been extremely rough on President Trump. They are always attacking him for the least little misstep. Finally, there is a news network that tells it like it is, or at least like President Trump would like it to be – Trump News Network.

President Trump, Arming Teachers is an Excellent Start – President Trump, in a solution that only a stable genius like he could come up with has figured out how to solve the epidemic of gun violence in our schools: More guns. A lot more guns. Look out, bad guy with an assault rifle. Bert Higgins, 8th grade French teacher is packing heat.

Experts Debate: Is Trump a Lunatic or Just an Idiot? – In recent months, as many of the Trump administration’s senior officials have resigned or been fired, experts have become increasingly concerned that “with the guard rails off”, Trump, without any close adviser to steer him away from disaster, might feel emboldened to act on his worst  impulses. Check out these alarming examples.

Trump Announces His Latest Premier Resort: TRUMP GREENLAND – In a surprise move nobody saw coming, President Trump announced the Deal of the Century, tweeting, “Let’s MAKE GREENLAND GREEN AGAIN.” He added, “It’s way better a deal that Jefferson’s Louisiana Purchase from France. Lame!”

Donald Trump’s Latest Five-Day Weather Forecast – In the wake of President Trump’s stunningly accurate forecast that Hurricane Dorian would hit Alabama (he was off by less than 500 miles), he’s decided to take on a new job responsibility: the nation’s Meteorologist-in-Chief.

MAGA March Madness Brackets Preview – It ‘s that time of year when millions of Americans take off early from work, head to the nearest bar, park themselves in front of a large screen TV and go crazy with March Madness – perhaps the most exciting sporting event of the year. No, not the NCAA tournament. I’m talking about the MAGA tourney. Check out the bracket selections.

Warning – You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder – In this important medical report, I look at a disturbing social epidemic. It’s called Tolerance of Racist, Unbalanced, Misogynistic Predators Disorder. But it’s more commonly known by its acronym, T.R.U.M.P.  Find out whether you may have been infected. If you believe in the concept of “alternative facts”, it may be too late.

Top Stories in the News – Alternative Facts Edition – There has been a ton of egregious disinformation about our new president and the great job he’s been doing, spread by fake media sources like CNN and the Wall Street Journal.  This week, I set the record straight – big league – about all of our new overlord’s, I mean, president’s amazing achievements.

Trump Translation Guide – View from the Bleachers offers a list of some President Trump’s most common pronouncements, along with our best guestimate of what he actually means. We apologize for any correct spellings which may appear to contradict the President’s preferred misspelling.

President Trump, the Results of Your Psych Eval Are In. We need to talk – I uncovered a never-before-released psychiatric evaluation of President Trump by a top medical doctor at one of our nation’s elite hospitals.  The findings are encouraging. The president scored in the top 20% for self-awareness, trustworthiness and compassion for others – in a control group of male orangutans.

A Very Scary Fairy Tale – The Angry Orange Ogre – Hey, Kids want Uncle Tim to read you a scary bedtime story? It’s about a terrifying orange monster called the TRUMP MONSTER, who tries to destroy America. But don’t worry. It couldn’t possibly happen here.

BREAKING NEWS! President Trump Says Something Shocking AND Offensive – Major news organizations can’t keep pace with President Trump’s daily – sometimes hourly – unscripted offensive rants, bizarre tweets and erratic outbursts. As a public service to the news media, View from the Bleachers has written this generic news story about his tendency to go off script, available for publication by any news outlet for any such occasion.

Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever – VFTB has uncovered exclusive letters from experts of all stripes attesting to the fact that Donald J. Trump, if elected, will be the healthiest, smartest, sexiest and most incredible leader ever elected since the dawn of human history – trust me.

Trump Shakes Things Up with Bold Cabinet Appointments – Donald Trump, in his first actions as President, has decided to really shake thing up with his Cabinet picks, like his new Secretary of Hollywood Affairs, Scarlett Johansson. Grrrrowwwl!

Muslims Report Stuff – At the 2016 Presidential Town Hall debate, a Muslim-American woman asked Donald Trump how he’d work to reduce Islamophobia in the nation. His solution was brilliant: Muslims should keep an eye on other Muslims and report anything suspicious. Wow! Problem solved!

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Caused World War II, according to Trump – In the aftermath of Donald Trump’s shocking remarks that “Obama is the founder of ISIS”, Tim Jones interviewed the candidate and discovered that Obama is responsible for many things equally horrific as ISIS, according to Trump, that is.

My Spirited Defense of Donald Trump – Millions of Americans despise Donald Trump. They fear what will happen to our great nation if he were to become president. But they have The Donald all wrong. Read my spirited defense of perhaps our greatest TV Reality star and why if elected, there’s less than a 40% chance he will start WW III.

FIRE AND FURY – INSIDE THE TRUMP EARLY YEARS – This is the book Michael Wolff was too scared to write. So, I wrote it. My book is a revealing tell-all expose of a rich, entitled, angry, unstable, vindictive, erratic, undisciplined, young child who hated to read. Thankfully for America’s sake he eventually grew out of these ugly, infantile behaviors.

Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter – Despite an increasingly hostile, offensive and sometimes unfathomable string of outrageous statements and tweets, Donald Trump remains neck and neck with the Democratic nominee, Hillary Clinton, in the race for the White House. Despite his best (or worst) efforts to undermine his candidacy, so far, nothing seems to be working.

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses – Trump University released its schedule of courses with some exciting new subjects ranging from Argumentation and Debate 106: Fundamentals of Name-Calling to Finance 208: The Fundamentals of Tax Evasion

Trump is Right – Proof the Election is Rigged I decided to investigate Donald Trump’s claims that the 2016 election is rigged. What I uncovered may shock you – especially if you’re easily shocked. Case in point: many of the states leaning towards Hillary will be assigned more electoral vote than most of the states learning towards Donald – for no other reason than that they have more people in them. Trump says this is unfair.

Business & the Workplace

Business & the Workplace

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Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok – If there is one thing that separates the winners from the losers in business it’s the ability to compose persuasive, articulate, error-free business emails, memos and presentations.  That and being the offspring of the CEO.

Little Caesars’ sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement – In tough times, companies do what our founding fathers wanted them to do – file random lawsuits for brand infringement. If you ask me, this is what makes our country great – the ability sue your way to record-breaking profits.

My Weekly Business Report – Retirement Edition – Just because I have recently retired from the corporate world does not mean I am any less busy or any less productive. Read my weekly report of all the very important projects I have been working on. Happy to send you my supporting PowerPoint slides if you need them.

How to Blow a Job Interview – There is no shortage of self-help books with practical strategies on how to make a good impression in a job interview. So boring. But there are no experts doling out advice on how to totally blow up your job interview – until now, that is.

My Short-lived Career as a BINGO Announcer – After all these years, I thought I had finally found the job of my dreams – BINGO announcer at the county fair. I rocketed to stardom, and then just as quickly, my meteoric rise crashed and burned. Read my heartbreaking story of the dream job that got away.

Tim’s Home Office News – Ever since I moved from Seattle to Camano Island, I now work at home, by myself, as an independent contractor / consultant. Recently, in order to feel a little less isolated, I instituted my own company newsletter, which I call Tim’s Home Office News. I thought you might like to read the latest installment.

Business Lesson #74: Build employee loyalty with self-guided mobile spy robots – Businesses keep coming up with new ways to improve communication, increase efficiencies and improve employee morale.  What better way to do that than with robots that can observe your every move?

The Secret to Decoding a Job Description – I am an expert at job hunting. If only I was as much of an expert at job finding. So, I now know how to decipher almost any job description to find out what they are looking for – which in most cases perfectly describes someone other than me.

NIGHT OF THE DEAD (AIR) – This is the true story of the very first time I was on the air at a radio station in Charlottesville, VA. I was all alone in the middle of the night. Everything was going along fine, until I made one terrible miscalculation.

Business Lesson #58 – Help your employees make better decisions by removing all restrooms – A recent study proves that people with full bladders make better decisions. The business implications are clear: Employees with bursting bladders will generate gushing streams of positive cash flow.  Learn how your company can benefit from trickle-down economics.

Don’t grow your business.  OPTIMIZE YOUR REAL-TIME ROI YIELD! – I’ll let you in on a secret. What smart marketers have known for a long time is the key to growing your market share is not to build a better mousetrap. And it’s not to improve your customer service. It’s to use really impressive-sounding words that nobody understands in your marketing.

And the Employee of the Month Award goes to… – As a world-renown business success expert, I discuss the inspiring, heroic contributions of some pretty remarkable employees – and announce the winner of this month’s Employee of the Month Award. (Hint: It’s not Nancy Pelosi.)

Business Lesson #61: Hug your way to business success – Research shows that sports teams that hug each other more outperform others. The implications for improving your company’s market share should be obvious.  Hey, Veronica, come give your old boss a hug.

TGIT – Thank God It’s TuesdayMany companies and even some states have moved to a four-day work week for improved efficiencies. Why stop there? Think how much more efficient we all would be if we worked two twenty-hour work days instead?

Business Lesson #46: The Dos and Don’ts of Holiday Office Parties – Follow these timely tips about proper business etiquette at your next company holiday party and you just might find yourself rocketing to the executive suite in no time. Or not…

Business Lesson #27: The Importance of Committees – Business is run by people. And people get things done by forming committees. Read these important business secrets on how to survive and thrive the next time you’re tapped to join a committee. You do know how to use PowerPoint, don’t you?

Business Lesson #83: What to do when your customers complain – Once in a while companies screw up and in the process cause their customer to complain. Read this six-step formula for how to handle customer complaints and leave everybody happy. But in the remote chance my approach doesn’t work, be sure to have a good attorney, okay?

Business Lesson #84: How to write an apology letter to upset customers – The next time your business makes a bone-headed business decision to cut costs that enrages your customers, be prepared to issue a sincere, heartfelt apology letter, crafted by a team of sincere, heartfelt lawyers with experience defending multi-million dollar product liability lawsuits.

Now You can be a Sales Superstar – by Sales Guru, Biff Biven – The ABC’s to becoming an incredibly successful salesperson (so long as you consider asking “do you want fries with that?” to be a successful sales career). If you want to get on the fast track to sales success, well, perhaps you should skip this article, not that I think about it.

Now You can be a Sales Superstar – Part Two of Two – by Sales Guru, Biff Biven – Part two of proven strategies to achieving success in sales.  Some of these strategies may be illegal in your area. Check your local listing.

Job Opening: Do you have what it takes to be al Qaeda’s new Number 2? – Still struggling to find work in this listless economy? Enjoy hikes in the mountains? Want a slower pace without being barraged by email and text messages? Like living in dark spaces and blowing things up? Then have we got the job for you! 

Holidays

Holidays

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A Valentine Story – Love and Romance in Aisle 7 – This is the 100% true story of romantic love found at the most unlikely age of two people in their mid-eighties, in the most unlikely of places, aisle 7 of the grocery store.

Thanksgiving at the Casino – For the first time in decades, my wife and I had no plans for Thanksgiving. None. At the last minute, we were invited to join another couple for a big buffet meal at the local casino. Don’t ask me how the food was. I have no idea. We never made it that far.

When planning a romantic Valentine’s Day getaway, don’t forget to invite your wife – Every Valentine’s Day, I receive hundreds of letters asking me for advice around matters of the heart. As a foremost expert on the subject of romance, I open up the mailbag and share my advice to the lovelorn. Maybe I can help you. Ah who am I kidding? You’re beyond help.

Surviving Christmas Dinner with Relatives – Christmas is a time of great joy and togetherness. Sometimes, a little too much togetherness. Especially when your annoying conspiracy-theory-loving Uncle joins the dinner – with his new girlfriend – even when they weren’t invited. Still, I’m confident everything will go just fine. Well, at least hopeful. Good luck.

This holiday season give the gift of guilt – I have long wondered what the spirit of the holiday season was about. I think I’ve finally figured it out. Apparently, it’s about making sure the people you give your gifts to know that you care about them way more than they care about you.

My Family’s Christmas Miracle – Who says miracles don’t happen? One happened to me – on Christmas morning. This is the actual retelling of my own family’s Christmas miracle. Better have a Kleenex handy. This one’s a real tearjerker (if you cry for no reason at all, that is).

A letter to our wives: What we dads really want for Father’s Day this year – Every year we dads get the same lame gifts from our families for Father’s Day. It’s time someone stands up for all of us dads and tells you wives what we men really want this year. If you ladies can’t handle the truth, then all I have to say is, I promise to mow the yard right after I empty the trash, sweetie.

The Real Meaning of Christmas – Part 1: Holiday Greeting Cards – Many people are confused about the real meaning of Christmas. While the birth of the Christian savior is a moderately important part of the celebration, it pales next to the critical importance of holiday greeting cards. Read my expert advice on holiday greeting cards etiquette.

The Real Meaning of Christmas – Part 2: DecorationsThe only thing more important about Christmas than getting your holiday cards out before the competition is having a cargo ship’s worth of cheesy.

Sarah Palin wants to save Christmas. You can help by buying her new book.  – Sarah Palin is on a crusade to fight back in the War on Christmas. Help her turn the tide against the rampant secularization and commercialization of Christmas by purchasing her book. It’s what Jesus would

Famous Americans share Thanksgiving messages of gratitude – Thanksgiving is a time to pause and reflect on all the things you’re grateful for this time of year. VFTB shares inspirational messages of gratitude from some of America’s most famous celebrities.  Even with all their wealth and fame, in the end, it’s about the little things in life, like having wealth and fame.

Random Acts of Humor

Random Acts of Humor

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Ten Years of Silliness – A Look Back on a Decade of View from the Bleachers – A look back at the first ten years of View from the Bleachers, with links to my all-time favorite columns I’ve written. (This is a two-part piece.)

I just found out I’m related to Jesus – on my mother’s side – A recently deciphered ancient Coptic Christian papyrus text reveals that Jesus was probably married. It’s not too big a leap of logic from that revelation to the conclusion that I must be the savior’s direct descendant. I mean, just look at any 15th century painting of Christ. I totally have his chin.

According to Google I am a terrible person – I used to think I was a pretty good person – a decent husband and a parent who tried to set a good model for my kids. All that changed when I did a Google search on my name. Wow, from what I found out about myself, I appear to have done some horrible things.

Rumor has it I may be the next Pope – I know, it’s hard to believe. If elected as your next Pope, I promise to make helping the poor and needy my first priority, just as soon as I update the Papal residence with a 120” flat screen TV and make sure the Swiss Guards upgrade my premium cable plan to include HBO.

Mister Rogers is My Hero – I never watched his show when I was a kid. I thought he was a dweeb and weird and boring. But as I have grown, I have come to appreciate the wisdom, if not the genius, of this incredible human being. And that’s why I consider Fred Rogers a hero.

Humor writer admits to using banned substances and lying to everybody – In a stunning revelation, Tim Jones admits publicly that he used banned performance-enhancing substances to gain a competitive edge against other humor writers. Based on writing samples we have tested, it apparently hasn’t helped.

Kids, Ask Me About God – By Reverend Tornquist – This week’s special guest tackles the tough questions about God and Heaven that kids need to know, like In Heaven, do I still have to eat my peas? And Will my daddy get all his hair back when he meets God and Jesus?

Kids, Ask Me About Easter – By Reverend Tornquist – In this follow-up to Kids, Ask Me About God, guest contributor, Rev. Norman Tornquist tackles kids’ questions about the importance of Easter like, Does Jesus have a bunny? And Does Jesus like the licorice jelly beans?

How to Infuriate Thousands Without Really Trying – Until recently, I thought I was a decent person. Sure, I have my flaws, like my dislike for most green vegetables, but nothing that would cause people to hate me. That all changed when USA Today ran an article about my newest book called I am So Sick of White People. Then, for some reason, people came out of the woodwork to tell me I was the worst kind of person imaginable – a liberal.

Cupcake Diplomacy – As an expert military strategist and former five-star Air Force General, I am concerned about all the rising global tensions I am witnessing – from Iran to North Korea to Baltimore Orioles season’s ticket holders. I have a solution to end all the madness: cupcakes.

Meet the Next President of University of my Alma Mater – ME – I received an email from my alma mater asking me for input about what the school should look for in its next president. It became obvious to me that I was uniquely qualified for the job, so I applied. I can’t wait to be fitted for my cap and gown.

BREAKING NEWS! TIM JONES IS NOT FUNNY! – This just in – Every newspaper, magazine and online news site agrees: My humor writing is a PERFECT fit – for some other publication than theirs.  Still holding out hope, though. Haven’t heard back yet from Guns & Ammo magazine.

VFTB humor blog garners international praise from people who can’t read English – From time to time I read the comments from readers. And at the risk of sounding immodest, I have received thousands of comments from readers praising my blog. And some of these readers can almost comprehend English.

The secret to writing a successful humor blog….  – in this post, I share the secrets of writing a successful humor blog – not that I would know the first thing about that, mind you.  If pressed for time, skim through the text and enjoy the colorful charts.

Myth-busting website Snopes.com revealed to be a hoax – according to Snopes.com – Thanks to Snopes.com, we can quickly learn that most of the email warnings we receive about nasty computer viruses and flesh-eating bananas are just hoaxes. But what if this myth-busting web site is itself just a hoax? That’s the focus of this shocking investigative report. Honest. No hoax.

A Tale of Two Brities – This is a historical fiction based on two proud British generals who were supposed to join forces at the Battle of Saratoga to defeat the American colonists’ uprising once and for all. But things did not go exactly as planned. This is the imagined series of letters sent between them leading up to a series of unfortunate events.

Things I hope people won’t mention at my funeral – I recently turned 60. When you turn 60, you start asking yourself uncomfortable questions like “How long has that mole been there?” I started to think about my mortality and my funeral and who might actually come to it and what they might have to say about me. And then I started to get worried. Uh oh. This might not end well.

A brief history of the apology – For as long as there have been human beings living together, there have been human beings doing some pretty egregious things. And with those egregious things comes, eventually, an apology. – or something vaguely related to an apology, at least.

Humor blog revealed to be a tangled web of lies– Okay, I confess, sometimes I make things up when I write my blog. I can’t be bothered with actually looking things up, so I wing it. In this post I come clean about a few lies I have written, and by “a few” I mean less than 5,000.

My plan to donate my Powerball jackpot winnings to the kids in Africa I just missed out winning the $1.6 billion prize in the richest Powerball jackpot in history – missing it by less than six digits. So next time, if I win, I have some pretty awesome plans for how to spend my winnings – for the kids, of course.

Searching for a way to turn off my brain – Sometimes I have difficulty relaxing and just letting myself unwind. My brain is racing all the time, even when I am relaxing. So, I decided to try massage. My body loved it. My brain, well, it had quite a few things to say about the experience.

My painful dark confession – For the first time anywhere, I come out of the closet and admit something I have long felt ashamed to admit. I can’t deny the rumors any longer. It’s true. For most of my life, I have been, yes, it’s true, a sloooow reader.

If I Ruled the World – If I were in charge of the world, things would be different. Way different. I came up with a starter list of laws I’d implement once I was appointed Grand Imperial Overlord – starting with banning cracking your knuckles in public. First offense: 5 days in jail. Problem solved.

My Confession to My Readers – There are several things I’ve been feeling guilty about. I just have to come clean and make a full confession to my readers, starting with the fact that recently when I played golf with my buddies, I told the guy keeping score that I got an 9 on the par 4 water hole, when really I got a 10. Forgive me.

The Interrogation – This week I try my hand at detective fiction writing. It’s the story of a hard-nosed, chain-smoking, foul-mouthed but brilliant detective named Drake Marlboro, who is trying to crack a case involving a middle-aged suburban guy with a receding hairline who professes to write a weekly humor blog. But his story just doesn’t add up.

Kids, don’t try this at home – My (Disastrous) 10th Grade Science Experiment – I can recall the exact moment in time when I decided not to pursue a career in science. This is the story of that precise moment.

Everything I’ve Ever Learned About Oil Rig Piston Corers and Drill Strings I Learned from My Dry Cleaner – I recently dropped off a pair of pants at a local dry cleaner.  And in the process learned more about oil rigs and Keith Jones than I ever imagined possible? Who’s Keith Jones? Read and find out.

Don’t Let Five-Year-Olds Vote – In this post, I bare my soul and share with my readers exactly what I am for and what I am against.  I hold nothing back, starting with my deep-seeded conviction that we should never let five-year-olds vote. Nine-year-olds, maybe, but not five-year-olds.

Like Martin Luther King, I have a dream – While I don’t claim to possess Mr. King’s eloquence with words, I too have a dream. And it involves blacks and whites living together in peace and harmony, oh, and a really posh slopeside condo in Vail. But mostly it’s all about blacks and whites living together in peace and harmony.

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