Donald Trump’s Latest Five-Day Weather Forecast

Donald Trump’s Latest Five-Day Weather Forecast

“If you look closely at this undoctored map, you’ll see Florida looks a little like a penis. Nobody ever knew that before, believe me.” – Donald Trump

“If you look closely at this undoctored map, you’ll see Florida looks a little like a penis. Nobody ever knew that before, believe me.” – Donald Trump

Welcome back to Fox News. In a moment, we’ll get to our top story – why 97% of Americans think Donald Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln, according to a recent Fox poll of white nationalists.

But first, let’s take a look at the weather with our Meteorologist-in-Chief, President Trump. So, Donald, tell me, are we in for some STORMY weather this week?

You think that’s funny, do you, Shep Smith? You’re fired. Now get that bum outta here.

Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your President with a look at your five-day forecast. For the 137th week since I’ve been your president, the American weather continues to be great – the best weather in our nation’s history – and way better than the weather under eight years of Obama.

Looking at the national weather map, I promise you, we’re in for some tremendous weather throughout many regions of the country. At Bedminster, New Jersey, home of Trump National Golf Club, the weather will be 76 degrees, breezy and sunny all week. Closer to home, here in Washington, DC, locale of the Trump International Hotel, you won’t believe how incredible the weather is going to be. Just phenomenal. And at Mar-A-Lago, I’m calling for another week of mild temperatures in the upper 70’s with no chance of rain or humidity right up to election day in November 2020.

But we do have a few trouble spots to keep an eye on, namely in California, New Jersey, Massachusetts and Baltimore, where it will be Hell on earth. Expect temperatures to reach 115 degrees for daytime highs and plunge to minus 15 overnight. Look for massive tornado warnings in any state that did not vote for me – with the likelihood of hot balls of lava erupting near Seattle and vicious tsunami’s all along the Mexican border.

Now that Hurricane Dorian is over, I’m pleased to report that the devastation I had predicted for Alabama happened just exactly as I had said it would – just a few hundred miles east in Georgia and the Carolinas. I hope every American will join me in saying a silent prayer for the great people of Alabama – especially those who voted for me – in hopes that they will overcome their anxiety in the wake of this devastating storm.

Speaking of hurricanes, everybody’s talking about Hurricane Dorian and why it chose to strike America when it did. Most experts are saying that Hillary Clinton was behind it, in an attempt to damage my amazing golf courses in Florida and along the east coast. But she failed bigly – just like she did in 2016. Sorry, Bahamas.

Most people never knew that hurricanes are named in alphabetical order starting with the letter A. I was promised that after Hurricane Chantal struck, the next one would be named Hurricane Donald. But at the last minute, the Fake National Weather Service changed it behind my back to Dorian. So, I’m ordering the FBI to investigate how this could have happened. Probably the deep state.

Looking further out, the forecast for hurricanes is hard to predict. But one thing’s for sure. If I’m not re-elected in 2020, everybody should expect the nastiest hurricanes in history. Several level 5 storms, a few level 6s and maybe even a couple of level 9s or 10s. I predict some of them will be the wettest weather events in history, from the standpoint of water.

“Here’s a look at the five-day forecast for Boston. They should’ve voted for me; They would have had the best weather. Those Bostonians are nasty people.”

“Here’s a look at the five-day forecast for Boston. They should’ve voted for me; They would have had the best weather. Those Bostonians are nasty people.”

Taking a check at the national forecast, I predict the next major hurricane, which I have ordered the National Weather Service to name Hurricane Melania, will pack winds up to 390 miles an hour, and will most likely make landfall in Los Angeles and head up the coast of California, wiping out San Francisco and Portland, before jumping over the middle part of our nation and touching back down again near Chicago and Detroit, taking them out entirely. But it will leave farmers’ crops just fine. No need to thank me.

You can see my projected path of this storm in this incredibly accurate sharpie drawing of the Zone of Uncertainty, which I had nothing to do with drawing. It was that way when they gave me the map. Trust me.

Oh, and the pollen count will be slightly above normal in Atlanta over the next few days.

That’s it for weather. Now it’s time for Tucker Carlson and sports. Hey, Tucker, speaking of sports, while I was closely monitoring the path of Hurricane Dorian during my two rounds of golf last week, I got a hole in one – on a par five, believe me. But as usual, the Fake News didn’t report it. People tell me I’m a tremendous golfer.

So, Tucker, are you still betting on your New York Jets to make it to the NFL playoffs this year? If you ask me, they’re a bunch of losers. Just like Anderson Cooper. And Rosie.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019

Swingin’ in the Rain

Swingin’ in the Rain

swingin in the rain - tee shotRecently, I played a round of golf with my longtime golfing buddy Kevin. Kevin hates it when I refer to him by his actual name in my posts, so that’s how I will refer to him – because I just like to piss Kevin off. We were scheduled to play a round, but I called him an hour before our tee time to report that it was raining cats and dogs at my house. “Really? Well, it’s sunny and clear here,” he said. So against my better judgment – which judgment is shaky at the best of times – I decided to go ahead and play.

We were met at the course by the rest of our foursome, Ron and John. And just like Kevin had predicted, it was clear and dry – conditions that were going to change dramatically about fifteen minutes after we teed off.

Kevin and I have been playing golf together for 17 years. It has evolved into something of a rivalry. It often comes down to the final hole before Kevin knows for sure whether he beat me by double digits or just single. You see, Kevin is a really good golfer and, with rare exceptions, I allow him to beat me – mostly to placate his fragile male ego, which shatters like broken glass if he loses to me in anything. And also because he is the far superior golfer.

Ron, John, Kevin and I teed off at the first tee. Kevin hit a gorgeous drive 270 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. Then it was my turn. I smiled as my ball landed eerily close to Kevin’s – by which I mean 100 yards closer to the tee box and banana-sliced 40 yards into the right-side woods. Oh yeah. The game was officially on.

As we reached the second hole, I noticed a few gentle droplets of rain. Kevin shook it off. He was sure it would pass. His smart phone’s weather app said it was going to be mostly sunny by afternoon. But at 8:15am, the sky was looking foreboding, like the skies over Mordor. As Kevin headed up the second fairway and I headed due east into the right-side forest, I noticed the raindrops were coming down harder. Wisely, I had decided to bring a jacket. Unwisely, I’d soon discover it repelled water about as effectively as toilet paper. And I forgot my golf cap.

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Rain, clouds, moss and other reasons I love Drip City

Rain, clouds, moss and other reasons I love Drip City

Seattle - Space NeedleI’ve lived in Seattle for over twenty years and I still love it here. It’s known by various nick names: Jet City (because of all the Boeing jets built here) and The Emerald City (because of all the greenery). Personally, I prefer Drip City because it’s more accurate, thanks to all the rain and the fact that at last count there were at least 1,542 Starbucks locations in downtown Seattle alone.

For many people in the eastern two-thirds of the country, Seattle is this mysterious, faraway place they only know about from Sleepless in Seattle. But there is so much more to this city than a spunky Meg Ryan (although let’s not understate Meg’s importance).

Let me debunk a few myths about my adopted city:

  • Myth: It rains here all the time. That is simply not true. The weather here is gloriously sunny and mild with zero humidity – if you happen to be here in August. Otherwise, yeah, it does rain a fair bit.
  • Myth: The sun vanishes for nine months of the year, from October through June. Again, utter hyperbole. There are many winters where you may see the sun for long stretches of time – usually during the second week of August.
  • Myth: It is so damp here that the roofs of most houses are covered in thick moss. Actually, it’s more like a light dusting. And this also goes for the dusting of moss you’ll typically find on our lawns, driveways, patio furniture, and any toddler who has been left out in the backyard for more than 45 minutes.

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