We Interrupt This Breaking News for Breaking News

We Interrupt This Breaking News for Breaking News

This just in. In breaking news, a new study shows that almost every newscast starts with breaking news. We will have more details shortly, but first we turn to this new breaking news story….

This just in. In breaking news, a new study shows that almost every newscast starts with breaking news. We will have more details shortly, but first we turn to this new breaking news story….

Wolf Blitzer: This is Wolf Blitzer. Welcome to The Situation Room. We have important breaking news. The Wall Street Journal reports that Democrats in Congress are pushing back against President Trump’s plans to go to war with Iran. They are demanding to know why he is pushing for this when no other country is prepared to support such a – Excuse me, I understand my colleague Dana Bash has some breaking news. Dana?

Reporter Dana Bash: Thanks, Wolf. The New York Times is reporting that Attorney General William Barr wrote an internal memo stating that Donald Trump is not only innocent of all obstruction of justice charges but is also the greatest president in history – and probably would have won the Masters golf tournament had he entered it. This comes on the heels of reports that – I’m sorry. I’ve just been informed of a major development regarding the 2020 election. For more, we go to Zachary Cohen in Chicago. Zachary, what can you tell us?

Reporter Zachary Cohen: Thanks, Dana. A stunning rumor surfaced moments ago regarding the upcoming election. Sources have leaked that Oprah Winfrey plans to announce her candidacy for president at a press confer – wait… Folks, we have breaking news out of Moscow. For details, we turn to Rosa Flores. Rosa, what’s the scoop?

Reporter Rosa Flores: Thanks, Zach. In news that caught the State Department completely off guard, it appears that officials in Moscow, Idaho may have been involved in meddling in the 2016 elections. The State Department has issued a formal apology to President Putin for having doubted his integrity and accusing the wrong Moscow of interference. To make up for this embarrassing diplomatic blunder, the State Department has invited Putin to “get involved” in our 2020 – wait. We have a new development out of Chicago. For more we go to Jeff Simon.

Reporter Jeff Simon: Jeff Simon here. I’ve been told that previous reports of Oprah’s bid for the presidency are premature. She apparently has no intention of running, as she has her eyes set on a higher prize: the Papac –

Cohen: Jeff, we’ve just been told that several predominantly WASPs (Whites Against Spanish People) are up in arms about recent test results which reveal that Hispanic students tend to outscore non-Hispanics on Spanish-language AP tests. Calling this blatant discrimination against American students, a WASP spokesman has called for all high-scoring Hispanic students to be shipped to Guatemala, where they –

Bash: I hate to cut into your breaking news, but I’ve just been handed a screenshot of a Facebook post that claims a new study shows a direct correlation between the amount of alcohol people consume and their inability to remember their wife’s birthda –

Simon: Hold that thought, Dana. We’ve just received a potentially less premature report that Oprah has changed her mind about not running and will announce her candida–

Flores: Jeff, in riveting breaking news, it seems that President Trump is planning to go golfing this weekend at Mar-a-Lago, not Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, N.J., as had been previously disclosed –

Bash: We can now confirm this shocking story in the Waukesha Sentinel that a student, one Nathan Kowalski of Waukesha, Wisconsin, is expected to graduate from Pomona College in Claremont, CA with a 1.8 GPA and no debt. You heard that right. No debt. Sources say this is in part because his millionaire grandparents own majority shares of stock in Pomona College. Said Grandpa Kowalski, “We wanted to invest in our grandson’s future – “

Cohen: Sorry, Dana, but this astonishing bulletin just now crossed my desk. Apparently, many people have difficulty distinguishing Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell from a common tortoise when presented with side by side photographs. This comes after recent reports that Attorney General William Barr bears a surprising resemblance to a grumpy toad. As for what creature Stephen Miller looks like, there is no consensus other than that it’s terrifyin –

Flores: Great reporting, Zach. Hot off the press here: a recently completed congressional investigation concludes that vaccinations can in fact hurt you, especially if the needle is dull and being administered by a child. However, congressional Republicans still dispute findings that suggest assault weapons may cause widespread harm if discharged near people. And –

Bash: Rosa, I am almost speechless about the following breaking bulletin. Only moments ago, I received word that trash pickup for my neighborhood will be on Wednesday next week, not Tuesday, while recycling pickup has been pushed back to Thursday for reasons not yet provided. Local residents are advised to make a note of this on their refrigerator calend –

Cohen: I hate to cut into your breaking news, Dana, but we’ve just heard from an anonymous source that a new study shows a direct correlation between the amount of food people consume and their risk of gaining weight. It appears that food contains something experts refer to as “calories”, which, if ingested –

Simon: Police are bracing for mass demonstrations after the National Hurricane Center announced that this year’s first three hurricanes will be named Andrea, Barry and Chantal – not Stonewall, Scarlett, and Jedediah, as a vocal group of Civil War Reenactment activists had been lobbying for. In related news, climate change apparently is a Chinese hoax after all, according to an EPA Official who asked not to be identif  –

Flores: Jeff, I’ve just learned that researchers have discovered an obscure, previously unheard-of humor blog called Vista from the Cheap Seats. For more we go to our reporter, Tim Jones. Tim, what can you tell us?

Reporter Tim Jones: Rosa, it’s actually called View from the Bleachers, and it’s a hilarious collection of –

Simon: Sorry to cut in, Tim, but we have some breaking news. The Center for Obvious Statistics has just released its annual findings that kittens and puppies are still widely perceived to be more adorable than geckos or salamanders. We will have a full report next hour. Now back to Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019

2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)

2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)

2014 year in review - Part 2 - Ice BucketWe continue this week with Part II of VFTB’s Year in Review for 2014. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much. A couple of wars, a few natural disasters and a political scandal or two – pretty much a replay of 2010 through 2013. Check it out here. Let’s continue now with Part II. Don’t skip ahead to December and spoil the surprise ending, okay?

July: In world news, Somalia sweeps again at the 2014 World’s Worst Nation Awards, barely beating out North Korea and Syria for most corrupt, morally bankrupt authoritarian regime. Somali Prime Minister Omar Abdirashid Ali Sharmarke remarks, “It’s an honor just to be included in the company of such illustrious dictators.” He ends his press conference by thanking the great people of Somalia and announcing that all homosexuals will be executed at dawn for acts of treason against their loving supreme ruler.

August: In health and wellness news, nutrition experts say “Goodbye kale. Hello cauliflower!” proclaiming cauliflower to be the world’s most healthy snack. Critics suggest that nutritionists look up the definition of the word “snack”. Praising the vegetable’s many health benefits, researchers believe it may help fight cancer. Critics say they’ll take their chances with the cancer-fighting properties found in a slice of pepperoni pizza and a can of Pringles.

Continue reading “2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)” »

2014 – The Year in Review: Part I (January – June)

2014 – The Year in Review: Part I (January – June)

2014 year in review - Part 1 - Taylor SwiftAs has been the proud tradition of this Pulitzer-Prize-denied publication since 1952 – except for 2012 (when the Mayan Calendar predicted the world would end, so I figured, what was the point) – it’s time for VFTB’s Annual Year in Review for 2014.

In keeping with one of the hottest trends of the year, here’s your chance to binge read the important news stories of the past twelve months which you missed because you were too busy playing Candy Crush. Every week, I scour the hot stories, mainly by watching The Daily Show. There’s a lot to get you caught up on, so let’s get started.

January: A Gallup poll shows that for the first time in history a majority of Americans (55%) now favors legalization of marijuana. Pro-pot proponents postulate this number would have been even higher had several million stoners not been too high to locate their phone when the pollster called.

National retailing giant Target admits to a massive security breach in which hackers steal credit and debit card information, exposing more than 70 million customers to risk of identity theft. In a PR move aimed at stemming customer outrage, the retailer hurriedly announces that for the next month Target shoppers will be eligible for a free soft drink upgrade to 20 ounces (with a credit card purchase of $50 or more). Critics say that in retrospect Target should have offered 5% off dish towels, too.

February: This month sports stories become the main event. The Seattle Seahawks rout the Denver Broncos 43 to 8 in Super Bowl XXXLVMMXIVXXIVVXIX (okay, I could be off by a couple of V’s), thus proving after decades of futility that Seattle is no longer the Biggest Loser Sports City in the country.  In a private ceremony, Seattle officially passes the crown of desperation to Cleveland. Continue reading “2014 – The Year in Review: Part I (January – June)” »