Dear valued View from the Bleachers reader,
It has just come to my attention this morning that there is widespread alarm, anxiety and fear throughout the country. No, I’m not talking about the fact that the universally panned film Cats is now available for home rental.
If you’ve not heard the news, let me be the first to inform you. There is this thing called the Coronavirus, also known by medical experts like me as the COVID-19 pandemic. This contagion is dramatically impacting how we all live, work, and in the case of millennials, engage in unprotected sex.
This is Dr. Timothy Jones. I’m Chairman, CEO and Executive Chef at View from the Bleachers – a non-profit organization (mainly because I suck at business). Perhaps at one time or another you’ve errantly read one of my blog posts. If so, please accept my humblest apology.
I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time out from reading the 400+ emails you’ve received in the past week from Petco, Walmart, Costco, Kroger, AT&T, the YMCA, and your local parks & recreation department – telling you how committed they are to your safety – so that you can read this message from View from the Bleachers telling you how committed we are to your safety. Oh, and AT&T belatedly wishes to apologize for their former advertising slogan, Reach out and touch someone. Please don’t follow their advice, okay?
Here at View from the Bleachers, I, along with the dozens of illegal immigrants that work here and mow my lawn, take the health and safety of each reader seriously – all eleven of you. That’s why I wanted to share the extraordinary precautionary measures we’re implementing here at VFTB (as we’re known by the Pulitzer Prize Committee).
First, I’m making sure to get at least 11 hours of sleep a night. Technically, this has nothing to do with the Coronavirus outbreak. I’m just not a morning person.
Second, I’m practicing safe social distancing. In fact, my wife takes this so seriously that she asked me to move into our garage – just to avoid the risk of being exposed to me – or having to talk to me – or make accidental eye contact.
As I write this heartfelt plea for donations, I mean, this update, I’m wearing three pairs of surgical gloves, two pairs of sweatpants, a snorkel mask and ski boots, all out of an abundance of caution. Admittedly, I’m sweating like a pig right now, but that’s the kind of sacrifice I’m willing to make to ensure each post I write is thoroughly devoid of any infectious germs – or humor.
To make sure my readers are protected, I wipe the keyboard with a disposable sanitary wipe after every paragraph. I also made the difficult but selfless decision to switch from my preferred Calibri font to Helvetica – widely believed to be the safest font in use today. I’ve even gone so far as to eliminate the use of filthy words from my posts, to protect my readers from being exposed to potentially pernicious language. If you ask me, that’s a big fucking deal. Oops. Sorry.
As a result of these safety measures, I am pleased to report that there have been absolutely zero known cases of any individuals dying from coming into contact with this humor blog. However, there have been isolated instances of unsuspecting people experiencing mild migraines or nausea from unintended exposure. Fortunately, most symptoms appear to fade once the reader closes their web browser – with the exception of a lingering sensation they’ve wasted valuable time they can never get back.
Finally, before we publish any article, each one goes through a four-step deep-cleaning high-pressure wash and spell-check, to ensure every post contains no residual bacteria or dangling participles. I consider this extreme measure worth it to protect my team of researchers and bail bondsmen.
As a reader, there are some basic steps you can take to protect yourself from possible infection from this website. First, keep at least six feet from your computer when checking your email. If you accidentally open an email that appears to have been sent from View from the Bleacher, press the DELETE key immediately and wash your hands for twenty minutes with soap and a new Brillo pad.
If you accidentally click on a link that takes you directly to a VFTB article like this – say you were drunk and had no idea what you were doing – don’t panic. Simply unplug your computer and quickly dispose of it into the nearest bio-hazard trash receptacle, douse it with lighter fluid and set it ablaze – preferably not in the living room or anywhere near pets.
Several readers (by which I mean my wife) have written to me personally, expressing their fears and offering their sincerest hopes and prayers that this contagion will be over soon. I eventually figured out they were talking about View from the Bleachers – and were worried about their own mental and emotional well-being.
I want to assure all my readers that, while there are no immediate plans to discontinue publication, I promise that none of you will die as a result of reading this column, at least not from laughter.
One final word. I’m doing everything I can to keep you safe. But if you go around like my nephew Nathan doing stupid stuff like licking the handle of your grocery store shopping cart or shaking hands with everybody waiting in line for a refill at the pharmacy, that’s on you. Don’t come whining to me if you end up getting sick – ya’ hear me, Nathan?
Stay safe. And avoid my nephew Nathan.
Chairman, CEO and Executive Chef, MD, JD, MBA, BFD, IDK, OMG, WTF
View from the Bleachers Enterprises, Inc.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020