[The following is political satire and not necessarily the news.]
OANN is the first major conservative news media outlet to report on President Trump’s flawless speech at his Jan 6th DC STOP THE STEAL rally where he urged his fervent supporters to break into the Capitol and force VP Pence to certify the election for him – but do it in a polite, orderly, non-violent, totally legal fashion.
In looking back over Donald Trump’s tumultuous final 2 & 1/2 months in office, the storm of chaotic tweets, rallies and related events only intensified, as the countdown clock ticked down the final days and hours of his historically scandal-plagued presidency.
But you might not know that, based on how some of the rightwing news media outlets covered these same events.
Here are some of the more notable “breaking news” events of the final weeks of the Trump Administration, as captured by headlines from the mainstream media – and by some on the far right.
November 3, 2020 – Election night in America
The New York Times: Trump Leads in Early Tallies; Biden Closing Gap as Mail-in Ballots are Counted.
The Washington Post: Too Close to Call. Trump’s Election Night Lead Dwindling
Fox News: Trump Wins in Historic Landslide. Biden on Suicide Watch After Humiliating Defeat
Breitbart: If You Don’t Count Blue States, Trump Delivers Biden Crushing Defeat
November 7, 2020 – the day the presidential election is officially called for Biden
Politico: JOE BIDEN DECLARED 46th PRESIDENT OF USA
CNN: BIDEN WINS, 306 to 272 Electoral Votes; Wins 7 Million More Votes Than Trump
Newsmax: Massive Election Fraud Temporarily Delays Nationwide Celebrations for Trump’s Comeback Re-election Landslide Win
Info Wars: Joe Biden Continues to Deny He Held Under-Age Girls as Sex Slaves in his Wilmington Duplex
December 12, 2020 – the day Trump’s STOP THE STEAL rally in DC erupted in chaos and injuries
Fox News Trump, having successfully completed his historic 4-year plan to Make America Great Again, will take time off from his presidential duties for some down time. But he promises to get right back to work as your president after a brief 4-year golfing sabbatical.
NPR: 4 Stabbed, 33 Arrested After Trump Supporters, Counter-Protesters Clash In D.C.
ABC News: Violent clashes between pro-Trump protesters and Black Lives Matter supporters as Trump Rally Goes Off the Rails
One America News Network (OANN): Antifa Black Lives Matter Protestors Mar Peaceful Trump Rally by Jumping in Front of Trump Supporters’ Knives, Assault Rifles, and Mace
Rush Limbaugh: God Told Me in a Dream That Anyone Who Opposes Trump Will Burn Forever in Hell
January 2, 2021 – the day Trump called the Georgia Secretary of State to pressure him to find him 11,780 votes
The Wall Street Journal: Trump, in Recorded Call, Pressures Georgia Sec. of State to ‘Find’ Him Votes
The Atlanta Journal Constitution: Trump, in Taped Call, Pressured Georgia Official to Find Votes to Overturn Election
The Drudge Report: Georgia Sec. of State Offers Trump 11,780 Votes. Offended, Trump Politely Declines
Fox News: Tennessee Woman Fosters 100 Cats; Neighbors Consider Her a Saint
January 6, 2021 – the day Congress convened to certify the election results, which was marred when fanatical Trump supporters stormed the Capitol building
CNN: Incited by the President, Pro-Trump Rioters Violently Storm the Capitol
Reuters: Trump Supporters Storm the Capitol to Attack Democracy
Newsmax: Breaking News: Eating Apple Pie Can Help You Lose Weight
Hannity Radio: Alaska Jogger Smashes Ice to Rescue Dog, Then Continues His Run
January 8, 2021 – the day Twitter permanently banned Trump from its social media platform
The New York Times: Twitter Permanently Bans Trump, Capping Online Revolt
USA Today: Twitter Bans Trump’s Account, Citing Risk of Further Violence
OANN: Trump Quits Twitter to Protest Media Bias. “I’ll never be back,” He Defiantly Proclaims!
The Daily Caller: Trump Bails on Twitter to Launch a Competitor. Twitter Loses 90% of Its Users in 4 Hours.
January 13, 2021 – the day the House of Representatives impeached Trump for a second time
Newsmax’ Top Story for January 20, 2021: Mrs. Gladys McCloskey of Brattleboro, VT is the grand prize winner in the Wyndham County Quilting Fair. She wins for the third time in five years. Way to go, Gladys.
The Los Angeles Times: House, With Some G.O.P. Support, Votes to Impeach Trump a Historic Second Time
The Huffington Post: President Trump Becomes First President Ever to be Impeached Twice
Fox News: Breaking News: Hillary Clinton’s Emails Finally Prove She’s the Anti-Christ
Epoch Times: New Poll Shows 79 Million Americans Want to Ban Congress Permanently
January 20, 2021 – the day Joe Biden was inaugurated as our 46th President
US News & World Report: Joe Biden Becomes 46th President Amidst Grave Threats of Further Violence
The Atlantic: IT’S OFFICIAL. BIDEN IS 46th PRESIDENT!
Newsmax: Trump Announces Plans for a Four-Year Hiatus to Rest Up for Historic Second Term
The Glenn Beck Program: Trump Shocks World by Voluntarily Leaving White House, Calling it a Dump; Plans to Move to a Much Classier Residence (just as soon as he can find a country without an extradition treaty with the USA)
It appears I have been missing out on several important news stories that the mainstream media simply refuses to report.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.
[Author’s note: This post was conceived by and co-written with my dear old pal Steve Fisher, who has been regularly making me laugh since we were 12 years old. Steve left the U.S. in 1991 and since then has been living happily in Prague, Czech Republic. Now retired, Steve mostly spends his time reading The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Guardian and The New Yorker, and watching Rachel Maddow, Morning Joe, Meet the Press and Face the Nation. His most frequent thought these days is “Holy shit!”]
Over the first two years of Donald Trump’s presidency, he has made countless incredible statements and many bold claims about how great he is, how horrible his detractors are, and all the historic achievements he has made, which, according to him, no other president has accomplished.
According to the Washington Post’s Fact Checker database, in his first two years of office, Trump has made over 6,400 false or misleading claims.
Every day he makes another outrageous pronouncement. It has gotten to the point where it can be extremely hard to know if even he believes the things that he says. So, as a public service, View from the Bleachers has created a Trump Translation Guide to help people understand what our president is REALLY trying to say.
Below is a small sampling of some of President Trump’s recent statements and our best guestimate of what he actually means. We apologize for any correct spellings which may appear to contradict the President’s preferred misspelling.
||“Fact-based objective reporting”
|“Failing New York Times”
||“Winner of 125 Pulitzer Prizes”
|“People are saying”
||“I’m the only one saying this”
|“Lots of people are saying”
||“Virtually everyone is saying the complete opposite”
|“Dirty lying leaker”
||“Unfortunately, not a hoax”
||“Federal law enforcement effort to reveal gravest political corruption and threat to national security in U.S. history”
|“I didn’t know anything about him doing that.”
||“I specifically told him to do that.”
|“He only worked for me for a very short time.”
||“He has a lot of damaging information about me.”
|“He’s been treated terribly by the FBI. He’s very brave, and I have tremendous respect for him.”
||“I hope he won’t flip on me.”
|“I’ve never heard such an insulting question.”
||“Yes, I did do that.”
|“I have no business dealings with Russia.”
||“Russian oligarchs have done money laundering through my properties since the 1980s.”
|“No President has ever been tougher on Russia than I have.”
||“I made Putin say ‘please’ before I agreed to pull all our troops out of Syria.”
|“My father gave me a loan of a million dollars.”
||“My father gave me hundreds of millions of dollars in an illegal tax-evasion scheme.”
|“I know how to build things. I mean, hey, that’s what I do.”
||“I know how to create fraudulent businesses, strip their assets and then declare bankruptcy. I mean, hey, that’s what I do.”
|“I know more than the generals do.”
||“…if the question is, how do you accidentally start a nuclear war.”
|“I have hand-picked an outstanding team [Mattis, Tillerson, McMaster, Sessions, Omarosa…].”
||“On second thought, they’re all losers.”
|“I will drain the swamp.”
||“I will fill the swamp even deeper.”
|“The best people”
||“Unqualified, incapable and corrupt people”
|“A good boy”
||“My inept and unscrupulous son”
|“Murderers, rapists, drug dealers and other really bad hombres”
||“Terrified refugees, mostly families, fleeing from violence, poverty and hunger”
|“Mexico will pay for it.”
||“American taxpayers will pay for it.”
|“North Korea is no longer a nuclear threat.”
||“North Korea is continuing to build up its nuclear arsenal unimpeded.”
|“I am the most presidential person ever to sit in the Oval Office.”
||“I will go on a Tweet storm at 6am from the toilet anytime someone says anything mean about me.”
|“As for the Prince, maybe he did it, maybe he didn’t. Nobody knows. He says he didn’t.”
||“He did it.”
|“It was a very productive meeting.”
||“I talked non-stop for 45 minutes without anyone daring to interrupt me and then got up and left.”
|“I’m, like, an incredibly smart person.”
||“I have no idea what I’m doing.”
|“I’m a technology expert.”
||“I know how to use the button on my desk to order a Coke.”
|“Only I can solve it.”
||“I’ll have Jared take care of it.”
|“I am the greatest president in history – okay maybe second after Lincoln.”
||“Lincoln is the only other president whose name I can remember.”
|“I am the least racist person you’ll ever meet.”
||“So long as you’re white, that is.”
|“We have defeated ISIS.”
||“…if you don’t count the few thousand remaining members of ISIS who are still killing our troops.”
|“I will proudly own the government shutdown. I won’t blame the Democrats.”
||“It’s totally the Democrats’ fault.”
|“We’ve got the strongest economy in history right now.”
||“Only an idiot would believe me.”
|That’s the View from the Bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
||© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
Tim Jones: Hey kids. Wanna hear a bedtime story?
Several young children: Yes, Mr. Tim! Please tell us a story!
Tim: Okay, but I should warn you. It’s a scary tale!
Johnny (age 9): I love scary stories, Mr. Tim!
Tim: Well, if you insist. But this is a very, VERY scary story!
Kevin (age 8): You can’t scare me, Mr. Tim!
Tim: We’ll see about that, Kevin.
Once upon a time there lived a mean and angry ogre called the TRUMP. The TRUMP was YUGE. He had an ugly orange face, like the scariest Jack-o’-lantern you’ve ever seen. His hair was made of golden straw. He lived in a fancy palace built of gold. And every few years, when the TRUMP tired of his latest wife slave, he would trade her in for a younger, prettier mail-order bride.
The TRUMP was feared by all. If anyone dared speak ill of him, his orange face would turn red and his straw hair would stand on end and he would threaten to destroy them – or worse, sue them for all the pennies in their piggy bank. Oh, he was a very mean ogre!
The TRUMP hungered for fame and power and palaces. So, one day, he declared he wanted to become ruler over the entire kingdom. He told the simple folk that their lives were miserable and that ONLY HE could make them happy again. They believed him – especially the ones living in the red villages.
The peasants gathered throughout the land in record-breaking crowds, wearing his red cap, chanting his name and singing his praises. The TRUMP grew wild with power. He spread lies to incite his followers into hating foreigners and he warned them only to watch Fox News. Before long, all the simple folk believed that the TRUMP would MAKE THE KINGDOM GREAT AGAIN and they chose him to become their ruler.
On the day the TRUMP took the throne, little did the simple folk know that the only creature he cared about was himself. He insisted that his servants only tell him good news about how his subjects loved him. And he banished anyone who questioned his wisdom, with these frightful words: YOU’RE FIRED!
Continue reading “A Very Scary Fairy Tale – The Angry Orange Ogre” »
[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.]
Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, and 500 other America-hating, fake media sources, the news lately has been amazingly great. Here’s a summary of the incredibly positive top stories from the past week.
President Trump signed an Executive Order (EO) to override the Circuit Court of Appeals’ unanimous verdict, which had falsely claimed that his Muslim travel ban was a Muslim travel ban and thus unconstitutional and illegal. Trump’s EO officially bans all federal courts that disagree with any of his EOs because his awesome presidential constitutional authority is bigger than the courts’.
President Trump had an amazingly successful first phone call with Queen Margrethe II of Denmark. In a seven-minute call originally scheduled for an hour, the Queen gushed about her adoration for America’s new president and pledged her full submission, we mean, full cooperation to ensure strong diplomatic relations. And if the Danish ambassador says Trump called the Queen a b*tch when she refused to let Trump deport all our Muslims to Denmark, the ambassador’s a lying, whining loser whose wife is a 4 at best.
Continue reading “Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition” »