The recent presidential election has resulted in some pretty shocking newspaper headlines – like when Scotland’s The Daily Record ran a cover story showing a photo of Donald Trump at his swank new Scottish golf course on a windy day, with his hair all messed up. The headline read:
THERE WILL BE HELL TOUPEE!
The fact is provocative front pages are nothing new. Headlines intended to shock you go back centuries. Recently I did extensive research on the history of newspaper front page headlines, by which I mean I Googled “history of newspaper front page headlines” while binge-watching the Netflix series Stranger Things. I uncovered some long-lost front pages that detail some of the most important, but perhaps forgotten, events in human history.
In my research, I even found what is believed to be the very first front page headline ever written – from The Neanderthal News. It read:
CAVE WOMAN UTTERS FIRST WORDS – HUSBAND FEARFUL SHE WILL NEVER SHUT UP
Here’s a sampling of some of the other amazing tabloid headlines I discovered: Continue reading “History – As Told by Forgotten Newspaper Headlines” »
The Trump University Promise
At Trump University success is what it’s all about. Trump U is about a lot of things – but above all, how you can be successful by helping me become even more successful by enrolling in Trump University. You can enroll in our Business Entrepreneur Success curriculum for slightly more than the amount you’ve accumulated in your retirement nest egg. Enrollment is now open for Fall 2016. Check out some of my incredible courses. You’re going to love it. I guarantee it. – Donald J. Trump
Trump University Fall 2016 Courses
Argumentation and Debate 106: Fundamentals of Name-Calling: Learn how to infuriate people of different genders, ethnic origins, religious beliefs, sexual orientations, and socio-economic levels through use of sophisticated nick names like “Crooked Hillary”, “Lying Ted”, “Low-Energy Jeb”, “Little Marco” and many more. If you don’t sign up for this course you’re an idiot.
Introduction to Commercial Construction 115: The Methodology to Build a 50-Foot-High Wall: As one of the most successful commercial builders in the world, in this fascinating course, Donald Trump will personally reveal (once he’s elected president) how to build a massive 2,000 mile-long, 50-foot-high wall along our Mexican border – and get Mexico to pay for it. How is this wall possible? Here’s a hint: It’s invisible and only requires the Mexicans to all wear special collars.
Immigration Law 150: The Basics of Birtherism: Sure, they may look like Americans. But can you really be sure? This course examines how to create suspicion about someone’s American citizenship using unsubstantiated claims, innuendo, and hearsay. If your accusations are challenged, learn how to cite credible sources, such as: “I read somewhere” or “A lot of people are saying.”
Finance 208: The Essentials of Tax Evasion: Having to release your tax returns can be such a hassle – and embarrassing – especially when they reveal that you haven’t paid any income taxes for the past ten years. This course will show you how to create obtuse tax shelters and off-shore corporations, as well as evade questions about why you refuse to disclose your tax returns. Besides, it’s nobody’s business but your own (and your Bahama-based tax accountant) what you paid in taxes. Continue reading “Trump University Fall 2016 Courses” »
If your city is like most others in this great country, it is no doubt struggling to pay its bills and balance its budget – unless your town is Beverly Hills, in which case you can stop reading now.
No one knows how our cities have fallen into such financial distress. Could it be that for decades tax rates have steadily declined while we citizens have relentlessly demanded safer bridges, better schools, and daycare centers for our pets?
As we all prepare to march on our state legislature with our latest referendum to demand lower taxes, how can our cities build the libraries, community centers and skate board parks with oxygen bars that are guaranteed for free by the Bill of Rights?
I’ve given this issue a great deal of thought because, as a humor writer, I have a lot of time on my hands. The solution to this perplexing fiscal crisis is clear: If you love your town, start committing crimes.
Because municipalities make big money on tickets for infractions, all you have to do as a patriotic resident is pick the violation you fancy most and go for it. Do you like running stop signs? Back up and run it again. That will bring in $300+ to the city coffers. Prefer public acts of indecency? Try streaking down Main Street. That’s probably good for $500 easy. Your city council will thank you (and probably offer you a free bath towel).
Continue reading “Help your town. Become a criminal” »
We continue this week with Part II of VFTB’s Year in Review for 2014. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much. A couple of wars, a few natural disasters and a political scandal or two – pretty much a replay of 2010 through 2013. Check it out here. Let’s continue now with Part II. Don’t skip ahead to December and spoil the surprise ending, okay?
July: In world news, Somalia sweeps again at the 2014 World’s Worst Nation Awards, barely beating out North Korea and Syria for most corrupt, morally bankrupt authoritarian regime. Somali Prime Minister Omar Abdirashid Ali Sharmarke remarks, “It’s an honor just to be included in the company of such illustrious dictators.” He ends his press conference by thanking the great people of Somalia and announcing that all homosexuals will be executed at dawn for acts of treason against their loving supreme ruler.
August: In health and wellness news, nutrition experts say “Goodbye kale. Hello cauliflower!” proclaiming cauliflower to be the world’s most healthy snack. Critics suggest that nutritionists look up the definition of the word “snack”. Praising the vegetable’s many health benefits, researchers believe it may help fight cancer. Critics say they’ll take their chances with the cancer-fighting properties found in a slice of pepperoni pizza and a can of Pringles.
Continue reading “2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)” »
As has been the proud tradition of this Pulitzer-Prize-denied publication since 1952 – except for 2012 (when the Mayan Calendar predicted the world would end, so I figured, what was the point) – it’s time for VFTB’s Annual Year in Review for 2014.
In keeping with one of the hottest trends of the year, here’s your chance to binge read the important news stories of the past twelve months which you missed because you were too busy playing Candy Crush. Every week, I scour the hot stories, mainly by watching The Daily Show. There’s a lot to get you caught up on, so let’s get started.
January: A Gallup poll shows that for the first time in history a majority of Americans (55%) now favors legalization of marijuana. Pro-pot proponents postulate this number would have been even higher had several million stoners not been too high to locate their phone when the pollster called.
National retailing giant Target admits to a massive security breach in which hackers steal credit and debit card information, exposing more than 70 million customers to risk of identity theft. In a PR move aimed at stemming customer outrage, the retailer hurriedly announces that for the next month Target shoppers will be eligible for a free soft drink upgrade to 20 ounces (with a credit card purchase of $50 or more). Critics say that in retrospect Target should have offered 5% off dish towels, too.
February: This month sports stories become the main event. The Seattle Seahawks rout the Denver Broncos 43 to 8 in Super Bowl XXXLVMMXIVXXIVVXIX (okay, I could be off by a couple of V’s), thus proving after decades of futility that Seattle is no longer the Biggest Loser Sports City in the country. In a private ceremony, Seattle officially passes the crown of desperation to Cleveland. Continue reading “2014 – The Year in Review: Part I (January – June)” »