by TEJ | Sep 15, 2019 | All Blog Posts, Lifestyles humor
So, you’ve come back for Part 2 of the most popular View from the Bleachers columns from the past ten years. You seriously have nothing better to do with your day? If you don’t know what I’m talking about because you missed Part 1, you can check out Part 1 here. At the bottom of this post, you’ll see a TOP TEN LIST of my own personal favorites.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Health and Fitness
Getting a Colonoscopy is Better Than Having Sex… with elephants, that is. And not by much. Read my true embarrassing story of my recent colonoscopy procedure. Warning: This post may not be suitable for people with weak colons. And kids, don’t try this at home.
Important Health Safety Warning: These Foods Will Kill You! – Turns out that a lot of foods are really, really bad for you. Even a 32-ounce bottle of water can kill you, if it falls on your head from a height of 5,000 feet. Read this week’s important health scare, er, alert, about some foods that can kill. Spoiler alert: Brussels sprouts are actually not harmful, unless stuffed up one’s nose.
My Private Workout with Obama – People routinely accuse me of telling over-the-top fabricated stories, like having had a private workout with former President Obama. No, wait, that actually happened. This is the 100% partially true story of the time I pumped iron with Obama. Why would I make this up?
The Amazing Happiness Diet – Recently, I lost a lot of weight. No, I did not do one of those crazy fad diets. I created my own. I call it the Happiness Diet. There are only two steps involved. Easy-Peasy. Read how simple it is to lose weight – and friends – with my proven diet formula.
Computers and Technology
Alexander Graham Bell’s First Phone Call – Using Skype – Imagine if Bell’s first phone call – the famous one he placed with Thomas Watson – was done via Skype. Read this dramatic reenactment of how it might have sounded and looked.
The latest innovation from Google – Google Translate – Family Edition – The brilliant technologists at Google have improved their Translate service to help families understand each other better than ever. Now husbands can decipher what their wives are nattering on about into plain English. Our lives may never be the same.
My Love Letter to My Internet Help Desk – Read my THANK YOU letter to my Internet Service Provider, detailing my gratitude for my 19-hour ordeal in which their tech support call center was unable to fix a problem that corrupted my computer that resulted from installing their internet security software to prevent internet security threats from corrupting my computer.
Business and the Workplace
Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok – If there is one thing that separates the winners from the losers in business it’s the ability to compose persuasive, articulate, error-free emails, memos and presentations. That and being the offspring of the CEO.
My Short-lived Career as a BINGO Announcer – After all these years, I thought I had finally found the job of my dreams – BINGO announcer at the county fair. I rocketed to stardom, and then just as quickly, crashed and burned like a meteorite. Read my heartbreaking story of the dream job that got away.
How to Blow a Job Interview – There is no shortage of self-help books with practical strategies on how to make a good impression in a job interview. So boring. But there are no experts doling out advice on how to totally blow up your job interview – until now, that is.
Click on the image to read another one of my favorites the story of what life for others would have been like had I never been born, in It’s a Wonderful Life (but it could have been better).
TIM’S TOP TEN LIST OF PERSONAL ALL-TIME FAVORITES
In no particular order, here are my own personal favorite VFTB articles from the past ten years.
I Just Found Out I’m Related to Jesus – On My Mother’s Side – A recently deciphered ancient Coptic Christian papyrus text reveals that Jesus was probably married. It’s not too big a leap of logic from that revelation to the conclusion that I must be the savior’s direct descendant. I mean, just look at any 15th century painting of Christ. I totally have his chin.
According to Google I am a terrible person – I used to think I was a pretty good person – a decent husband and a parent who tried to set a good model for my kids. All that changed when I did a Google search on my name. Wow, from what I found out about myself, I appear to have done some horrible things.
My Fleeting Friendship with an Internet Scammer – This is part one of my actual email exchange with the nicest man from Latvia wanting to purchase bleachers. I thought I had made a new friend across cyberspace, only to learn that the scammer did not really want to be my friend after all. What a shock! (This is a two-part piece.)
Have You Heard About Dyzastra? – If you haven’t, where have you been? It’s the latest miracle pill that cures everything. But there may be just a few teensy weensy unpleasant side effects.
Humor Writer Admits to Using Banned Substances and Lying to Everybody – In a stunning revelation, Tim Jones admits publicly that he used banned performance-enhancing substances to gain a competitive edge against other humor writers. Based on writing samples we have tested, it apparently hasn’t helped.
Kids, Ask Me About God – By Reverend Tornquist – This week’s special guest tackles the tough questions about God and Heaven that kids need to know, like In heaven, do I still have to eat my peas? And Will my daddy get all his hair back when he meets God and Jesus?
It’s a Wonderful Life (but it could have been better) – I had a dream, much like that Jimmy Stewart film, It’s a Wonderful Life. In my dream, my guardian angel showed me what life would have been like had I never been born, in order to show me the impact I’ve had on so many people’s lives. Turns out, um, not much impact after all, really. (This is a two-part piece.)
An Important Message From Your Cat – There are a couple items of business that your cat needs to discuss with you, starting with some apparent confusion over whose house this is. Your cat sets the record straight in this guest commentary.
You Have the Right to Remain Silent – My Recent Run-in with the Law – The true retelling of the time I got caught by the police in a major criminal act – er, well, I violated the speed limit, sort of. It’s hard to explain.
My Open Letter to the Guy Crossing the Street Against Traffic Without Looking Up – We have all seen this person – the one who is completely oblivious to everyone around them, as they walk into traffic glued to their phone. This is my open letter to that person on behalf of all of the rest of us they’ve kept waiting all these years.
Thank you to all who have accompanied me on this slightly misguided journey over the years. I appreciate you giving me a chance to mess with your minds and perhaps brighten your day. I apologize if I inspired a bemused smile that caused your partner to wonder what you’ve been up to. Thank you for clicking the LIKE button and adding your own comments, humor, and wisdom. A particular shout out to Garth Nesmith of Duluth, Minnesota, who claims to have read every single one of my 360+ posts since September 2009. All I can say is, Garth, seriously dude, you really need to get your priorities in order.
If you have a personal favorite that is not included here, I’d love it if you shared which one it is in the COMMENTS section.
If you missed Part 1, you can check it out here. Or check out VFTB’s TOPIC DIRECTORY, which lists all of these posts – and hundreds more- by topic category.
This blog would not be possible without you, my readers. Thank you for putting up with my sophomoric jokes and crazy stories. Finally, a special word of appreciation to my enormously talented sister, Betsy Jones, who, for the past ten years has been my incredible editor. Unlike most of you, she has had to read every single post I have ever written. Talk about a glutton for punishment.
Tim Jones
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
by TEJ | Sep 2, 2019 | All Blog Posts, Political humor
Ten years ago this week, I published my very first View from the Bleachers humor blog post. Can you believe it’s been 3,653 days? I know what you’re thinking, and I totally agree: Feels like 3,654.
I don’t usually share my very first blog post (called Hey, This Blogging Thing is a Snap) because, … how do I put it delicately? It was a pretty pathetic first time up to the plate.
Since that humble beginning on September 7, 2009, I have rarely demonstrated anything vaguely approaching humility. I learned that from Trump. It works so well for him. I have written more than 360 humor pieces and published two books. I also learned from our esteemed leader the Art of the Lie. I can proudly proclaim that I have consistently lied to my readers, as well as exaggerated and bent the truth as much as possible, primarily in an effort to make myself look good. In that regard, clearly I have failed miserably.
But more importantly, if you have been keeping up with my blog over the years, you know that I have worked out with Obama, (that actually happened), was short-listed to be the next Pope, have been compared to Jesus (wow, that got some people upset!), ran for President, and discussed my here-to-fore not widely known experience as a general in two Gulf wars. I have repeatedly provided my expertise as a relationship guru and parenting expert, not to mention an economist and a Nobel Prize honoree (for humor writing, not physics).
If you find yourself with time to kill and bowling is just a little too exciting for you, might I suggest checking out my blog site’s TOPICS DIRECTORY? There, you can scroll through a listing of topics from parenting to politics to health & fitness to business and the workplace and much more. There’s even a separate category devoted specifically to our current occupant of the Oval Office. (However, I might suggest avoiding that one if your politics run right of center. I don’t want to raise your blood pressure any higher than it already is.)
In thinking about the past tenth of a century, I thought it might be fun to compile my own personal all-time most beloved posts and share them with my hundreds of thousands of loyal subscribers. I have no doubt there are some you never read before – because you’re a responsible person who has far better things to do with your time.
I had difficulty whittling down my favorites, so I’ve made this a two-part piece. Next week, I will return with Part 2 of my all-time favorite View from the Bleachers columns.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Everyday Life
Side-By-Side Comparison of the Roomba VS. The Timba – In a recent test of traditional vacuum cleaning methods versus the latest robot vacuum called the Roomba, we compared a variety of features to determine which was superior. The results may surprise you. (Nah, probably not.)
My Personal War with a Backyard Mole – I’m not a violent person, but every man has his limits. In my case, it’s Henry. Henry is the name I’ve given to a mole that is destroying my back yard. And now it’s war.
Home Cooking for Husbands Who Don’t Cook – I don’t claim to be the world’s greatest culinary expert, but recently, my wife encouraged me to start helping with the meals. I’m starting to get the hang of it. And if I can do it, then I can teach ANY husband how to cook.
My Trip to the Dentist – I used to hate going to the dentist. HATED IT! Until I learned about nitrous oxide and met the woman of my dreams in the dentist’s chair. Read about my change of heart here.
Turn left NOW! No, your OTHER left!! The joys of teaching your teenager to drive – Sooner or later, as a parent, your teenage son or daughter will ask you the question every parent dreads: Will you teach me how to drive? When that day comes, here are some valuable tips to keep your teenager from driving you insane, not to mention driving into oncoming traffic.
Fun and Leisure
How I Got Crabs – We recently moved to an island where the favorite pastime in summer is to go crabbing. The people here love God, Country, Family and Crabbing – but if they had to pick only one, I’m pretty sure they’d pick crabbing. Learn what you need to do if you want to get crabs. Perhaps I phrased that last sentence poorly.
A Night at the Opera – When it comes to cultural expansion, I draw the line at opera. That is, I did until recently, when my wife told me we were going to the opera. Read about my cultural immersion into the highbrow world of opera – or as I prefer to think of it, From Here to Eternity.
An American Tourist’s Guide to Vacationing in Italy – As a foremost expert on world travel, in this post I share everything an American needs to know to have a memorable vacation in Italy – and if all goes well, not get arrested.
Loser for Hire – I love to play sports. There’s just one problem. I’m actually not very good at it. People love to play me because they know they will have the satisfaction of winning. So, I’ve decided to offer my services for hire. If you’d like to feel better about yourself, just hire me to play you in any sport. You’ll feel like a winner in no time. Anybody up for a round of golf?
Love and Relationships
Don’t Let Your Dishwasher Destroy Your Marriage – Being married for more than 30 years takes commitment and hard work, especially if you’re married to me. Ours has survived many ups and downs. But it was a major household appliance that drove our marriage to its knees. Read how we were able to overcome our differences about dirty dishes.
Fifty Shades of White – When your wife asks you to go to Home Depot with her to pick out white paint for one of your rooms, be prepared for a long outing. You might want to request a couple vacation days. You’re going to be there a while.
The Case Against Marriage Equality for Left-handed People – At the risk of offending both of my regular readers, it’s time I spoke up about something I feel passionately about. It’s time that the 90% of us right-handed Americans take our country back and stop letting left-handers marry and breed. Read my cogent argument for why we must take our nation back.
Memo to Our Kids: The Family Has Decided to Downsize – It was a difficult decision. But I looked at the future cash flow projections and our dwindling retirement fund, and I make the hard choice. I had to let our two kids go. But the severance package is more than fair, if you ask me.
That’s it for this installment. If you’re still hanging in there, you can now check out PART 2 of this list, including a TOP TEN LIST of my own personal all-time favorite columns over the past ten years.
Please click the LIKE button for any posts you enjoy. I would deeply appreciate it if you took a moment to post a comment to any of my columns or just your overall views about View from the Bleachers and how reading this column has made you a better person (it’s okay to lie). If you’re curious about what else I’ve written about over the years, check out VFTB’s TOPICS DIRECTORY. Thanks.
Tim Jones
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2009 – 2019
by TEJ | Mar 24, 2015 | Other Attempts at Humor, Pop culture humor
THE SCENE: Pre-dawn on a rainy Sunday in the disheveled office of Detective Drake Marlboro of the Seattle Police Department, 9th Precinct. For the past 3 hours, Marlboro, a chain-smoking, grizzled, no-nonsense gumshoe has been interrogating a middle-aged man with no fashion sense by the name of Tim Jones. Jones was picked up on suspicion of maliciously harassing innocent civilians by posting offensive commentary on the web about parenting, politics and other topics. Detective Marlboro suspects that Jones is holding back the truth. And so our story begins…
It was another dark and stormy night in Seattle. The clock on the wall read 3:04 am. And there Tim Jones sat – if that’s even his real name – sticking to his story that all he could be guilty of might be hackneyed writing. But there was a problem. The guy’s story just didn’t add up. I’ve been a detective for 30 years. I knew it was just a matter of time before he would spill the beans. I was going to crack this case before that snake Lieutenant Jaworski in Homicide could spell “collar.” I was sure I was close.
Jones was fidgeting with his plastic Casio watch – the guy had as much class as a cubic zirconium unicorn. He was looking confused and anxious, wanting desperately to flee the confines of the cold, windowless interrogation room so he could return to the cushy comfort of his suburban living room recliner and watch another episode of The Big Bang Theory he’d TIVO’d. Not tonight, fella. Not ‘til I get some answers.
I offered him a cup of coffee. “Thanks, but I don’t drink coffee. Do you happen to have any Diet Mountain Dew?” he asked a little too eagerly. What law-abiding adult in Seattle doesn’t drink coffee – and asks for a teenager’s soft drink instead? Now I knew he was a two-faced liar. I was done playing “good cop,” waiting for his innocent, deer-in-the-headlights façade to crack. This had gone on long enough. It was time to tighten the screws. I lit another smoke.
(more…)
