An Exclusive Report from View from the Bleachers
Washington, D.C. – In recent weeks, millions of Americans have become increasingly anxious as endless streams of news reports warn about a nasty, contaminating, virulent malignancy that cannot be contained. But Donald Trump isn’t the only thing they’re worried about.
They’re also a tad on edge about the Coronavirus, officially known as COVID-19. Even more frightening than a reality show host having access to nuclear launch codes, there are alarming indications the President himself may have contracted the Coronavirus.
Dr. David Britton, Chief of Immunology and Infectious Diseases at The Mayo Clinic, said, “There are several obvious signs the President has been exposed to COVID-19. Just look at his facial discoloration. What normal healthy human being has a face the color of Doritos?” Dr. Britton noted that in Trump’s recent Oval Office Address, “He appeared to be breathing very heavily throughout the speech, a major symptom of the Coronavirus.”
Medical authorities concur that Trump fits the profile of individuals most vulnerable. As Dr. Margaret Chen, Chief of Epidemiology at New York’s Presbyterian Hospital, explained it: “Look at the man. He’s practically the textbook definition of a high risk candidate: He’s over 70 years old, has extremely poor dietary habits, is morbidly overweight, and is a complete idiot. He’s a walking time bomb.”
The Center For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has listed numerous warning signs that all appear present in President Trump: He exhibits shortness of breath, coughs a lot, demonstrates obvious mental decline, is easily agitated, has an inability to tell the truth, tends to be vindictive and hold grudges, exhibits patterns of xenophobia and racism, and possesses surprisingly small hands for an adult.
For weeks, healthcare professionals have been advising Americans to avoid large crowds and physical contact with others, especially shaking hands. And yet, there is one American who, for reasons unknown, continues to ignore the advice of the medical community: Donald Trump.
Trump, who famously does not believe in science, continues to shake hands wherever he is: at Mar-a-Lago dinner parties, in rope lines, at rallies, and even the White House Rose Garden. He explains his invincibility, stating, “I’m a very stable genius”, making it abundantly clear that he is “smarter than the medical professionals” – not to mention the generals. He has successfully calmed the nation’s worries by assuring us that he has a hunch: “This will all miraculously go away in April when the weather warms up.”
The President has made repeated assurances that he’s AOK and doesn’t need to be tested because this entire crisis is a “fake news” hoax fabricated by Democrats to hurt his re-election chances. Nevertheless, CDC officials are not quite as confident as the Genius-in-Chief. And they’re not nearly as optimistic that “warm weather” is the cure for this pandemic.
Researchers have used computer modelling to predict that, unless drastic efforts are implemented quickly, between 70 and 200 million Americans could eventually contract COVID-19. That’s why they are urging all Americans to keep a safe distance – from President Trump. In fact, as a precautionary measure, First Lady Melania has taken great strides to keep a safe distance from the President at all times – going back to the start of his administration, adding, “Why would I want to be exposed to someone that toxic?”
There is a palpable unease that because the President appears to be afflicted with this pernicious pathogen, he might infect countless others – including millions of unwitting (by which we mean witless) Fox News viewers as they literally absorb every word and movement of their Hero in Chief as reported by Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and other suspected carriers.
Many of the world’s most renown scientists fear that Trump could spread his contagious physical (and mental) illness to many of his fervent supporters. “If you want my advice,” said Dr. Edwin Templeton, spokesperson for the World Health Organization, “every patriotic American who supports President Trump should avoid any Trump rallies – or voting booths – at least until after the first Tuesday in November. Just to be on the safe side.”
The President’s personal physician suggested certain prophylactic measures to his patient, but Trump protested, “I will not use a condom!”
Communicable disease experts are considering defensive steps to help prevent the spread of Trump’s contagion. One recommendation is that Trump be quarantined immediately – perhaps by building an impenetrable wall around the Oval Office – a big, beautiful wall. Upon hearing this proposal, Mexico’s president, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, told reporters, “Mexico will gladly pay for the wall.”
Medical scholars across the country familiar with the progression of the Coronavirus argue that it has already significantly diminished Trump’s cognitive abilities. They point to his great difficulty spelling commonly used words including “honered”, “presedent”, “Caronavirus:, “Melanie”, and “kat.” They further speculate that, given his advanced age and diminished mental capacity, there could soon come a point at which Trump may have to step down, as the malady overtakes him completely.
On the bright side, if the Coronavirus has indeed infected Trump and he soon becomes so incapacitated that he is forced to abdicate, medical authorities express confidence that the mental and emotional health of millions of Americans may dramatically improve overnight just at the thought of anyone other than Trump sitting in the Oval Office.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020