House Republicans Rumored to be Considering Putin for Speaker
Black smoke emerges again from the Capitol’s chimney – a sign that a new Speaker has not yet been chosen.
For the past several weeks, the U.S. House of Representatives has been a House Divided. That’s because a group of representatives voted to remove Kevin McCarthy as Speaker. This had never happened before in the 247 years of our nation’s existence. The mutiny came from the far-right “Freedom Caucus,” led by Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz (unanimously selected by his colleagues to spearhead the one-person You Can’t Sit With Us Caucus)
Republicans are desperately searching for someone – anyone – whom the entire caucus can rally around. But so far, their efforts have floundered. Conservative pundits had expected the Speaker’s mantle would be passed to the longtime Trump ally / attack dog, Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan. But after three rounds of balloting, it became clear that Mr. Charisma was not going to meet the required 217 vote threshold. This was caused in part by the fact several moderate Republican colleagues considered Jordan to be – how can we put this delicately – an arrogant, pompous, bullying, narcissistic horse’s ass.
Prior to his defeat, most conservative House members gave Jordan high marks for his steadfast refusal ever to vote in support of any piece of legislation proposed by any Democrat. His record of refusing to work across the aisle is unrivaled.
Jordan achieved a well-earned reputation for his unyielding loyalty to the 45th president, as demonstrated by his tireless work to help Trump attempt to overturn the 2020 election. But perhaps most importantly, Jordan had won plaudits from his ardent constituents for his unwavering unwillingness to bow to pressure from disgruntled Democrats who chided him to “please put on a Goddamn jacket for once in your life.”
For the moment, the House continues to be Speakerless. Because of the crisis, House Republicans have officially changed the name of their caucus to the “Chaos Caucus.” With Jordan now officially out of the running, Republicans, also affectionately known as the “The Coup Clutz Clan,” have expanded their search for a possible speaker. In the past few days, several surprising names have surfaced to take Kevin McCarthy’s place:
Kevin McCarthy: Several House members have suggested simply going back to the previous speaker. On the positive side, he has more experience as Speaker than any of the other names being floated. On the downside, he’s Kevin McCarthy.
Donald Trump: The ex-president’s name has been frequently circulated on social media. His favorables include widespread name recognition and the helpful fact that every Republican Congressperson is terrified of pissing him off. One possible minor drawback to his candidacy is figuring out how he would oversee House proceedings from his jail cell. Supporters are furiously raising donations to ensure he has a good phone plan in prison, one with unlimited texting and data.
The effort to find a Speaker of the House to replace Kevin McCarthy has devolved into a chaotic, messy, contentious fight that has torn apart the Republican Party. On the plus side, the government has completely shut down, which is one of the key goals of many Republican members of Congress.
George Santos: Admittedly one of the more controversial characters in the Republican party, Santos threw his hat in the ring despite being under a 23-count federal indictment – or maybe because of it. While his felony count total pales in comparison to the 45th president, many MAGA Republicans point out that it’s an excellent start, given his short time in office. A dark horse candidate for sure, don’t count him out just yet, thanks in part to the Purple Heart he says he was posthumously awarded for courageously serving on the front lines in Ukraine’s battle for freedom, and because he is the first man ever to walk on Mars.
Abraham Lincoln: On the plus side, Honest Abe, the first Republican ever to win the White House, is probably the most universally admired president in American history. He held our union together in its darkest hours during the Civil War. One significant drawback to his candidacy may be the fact he’s been dead for 158 years. However, nearly 40% of likely Republican primary voters believe Abe is still alive and should run on a unity ticket for president with JFK. However, Lincoln was not known to be a supporter of building the wall to keep out the Mexicans, so that could hurt his chances slightly,
Jesus Christ: Although our Savior, like Lincoln, is widely believed to be dead, there have been countless claims of Jesus sightings year after year. My neighbor Bert Higgins is fairly sure he saw him coming out of a 7-Eleven in South Philly. Still, Christ’s notorious tendency to provide handouts to the poor and needy, along with his leftist radical clothing choices, along with his hippielike affinity for long hair and a beard, may cement JC in the minds of key Republican voters as too woke and a socialist who’s soft on crime. He was also reportedly once Jewish, which won’t help his chances in the Bible Belt.
Vladimir Putin: As Marjorie Taylor Greene recently pointed out, the Constitution is silent about whether the Speaker must be an American citizen (unless you count that ambiguous text in Article I, Section 2, Clause 2, which reads, “No Person shall be a Representative who shall not have …been seven Years a Citizen of the United States“]. Trump, an ardent admirer of his Russian boss, has highlighted that Putin is way smarter than Biden and someone he’d emulate if he is ever restored to his rightful throne (he means presidency). Also, have you seen Putin on a horse without his shirt on? Talk about sexy!
Elmer Fudd: Admittedly a longshot, this TV celebrity checks off several important boxes the Trump base looks for in a candidate: white, male, good ole boy from the deep south, and a strident PRO GUN advocate. A favorite of the NRA. Fudd has long taken a no-nonsense stance against crime (especially any mischief caused by wascally wabbits). He supports building the wall to keep out Mexicans and other rodents.
Some Republicans have raised the idea of selecting this Roomba robot vacuum cleaner to be the next speaker. Because one of its wheels fell off, it ONLY goes to the RIGHT – something most R’s see as a big plus.
Commander: Some members of the Clown Car Party, as Republicans have come to be known, have suggested thinking further outside the box. A few have even floated the name of Commander, President Biden’s German Shepherd. It appears Commander, while for the most part unapologetically apolitical, holds strong views on defense (of his toys). As a bonus, he’s reportedly bit President Biden and several prominent Democrats on multiple occasions, which the Republican base argues proves he wants to Make America Great Again. The only question at this point is whether he’s had his shots.
So, who will come out on top in the race for Speaker of the House? Well-respected members of the newly named “House of Cards” say it’s too soon to tell. But they continue to be optimistic that a unifying candidate will eventually emerge.
And as soon as that person pounds the Speaker’s gavel, their first order of business will be to shut down the government once and for all – until the Democrats finally acquiesce to their very reasonable demand to reinstate Trump as president and overlord.
Personally, my money is on Commander. Everybody loves dogs.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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