by TEJ | Sep 25, 2010 | Business humor
Last week, we talked about how to handle situations when your customers complain about a product defect, such as, “How come when I use your curling iron, it causes my hair to evaporate?” Of course, the best policy is to blame the problem on the customer or someone else – when in doubt blame it on al Qaeda terrorists … or Congress. You can read last week’s brilliant business advice here.
When all else fails you may have no choice but to eat crow and admit some eensy weensy tiny bit of responsibility for the problem, such as “in rare cases, some inconclusive studies have suggested that there could be a remote chance – and by remote we mean almost less than 50% – that our artificial sweetener could cause an eensy weensy tiny bit of permanent blindness and complete hearing loss in Hispanics and Pacific Islanders under the age of 70.”
In these situations, you need to craft a very carefully worded, corporate earnest and sincere apology letter – one that comes from the heart, with sincerity and earnestness – preferably ghostwritten by a professional apology letter writer in a high-priced Manhattan PR firm, who knows just the right caring words to say in order to avoid a costly class action lawsuit.
When crafting your company’s sincere official apology letter to customers, make sure it contains all of the following six elements:
(more…)
by TEJ | Sep 17, 2010 | Business humor
Corporations do a lot of things well, but one thing that some of them could use a little help with is how to say I’m sorry when they screw up. Historically, like George Bush, most companies are not very good at saying “I’m sorry. I screwed up.” Recently some very familiar names have been getting a lot of practice in the fine art of the apology: Toyota, BP, Goldman Sachs, Apple Computers, anyone who has ever held public office in the state of Louisiana, and for my friends in Seattle who follow baseball, the 2010 Seattle Mariners. You see, corporations aren’t perfect. They’re human, just like you and me (at least according to the U.S. Supreme Court).
As most of you know by now, I am an award-winning business expert. (And by award-winning, I’m referring to the time I won a white ribbon – fourth place – in my tenth grade business project for my idea of starting a company that sold over-priced coffee with fancy names in stores with dim lighting, smooth jazz and wireless Internet. Curse you, Howard Shultz.) I want to help those entrepreneurs who are planning to make a bone-headed business decision by offering you my expert counsel on the steps required to effectively apologize for your future mistakes.
Corporations don’t intentionally set out to anger and alienate their customers – unless they’re a healthcare insurance provider, that is. Usually it’s just that a good idea gets implemented poorly. Or some unintended consequences occur which nobody in the marketing department could have possibly anticipated. Like when that cereal company – whose name will be withheld so they won’t sue me – decided to do a promotion with a national hardware chain – whose name will be withheld so they sue me either – and they decided it would be a neat idea to include a packet of one-inch nails in every box of say, Fruit Loops cereal. Who knew that the folks in production would forget to actually put the nails in a pouch to keep them from separate from the actual cereal contents?
(more…)
by TEJ | Aug 13, 2010 | Business humor
Introductory Note from Tim Jones:
Below is the conclusion of our two-part series of Superstar Strategies for Super Sales Success, from the renowned Sales Coach to the Stars, Biff Biven, motivational speaker and author of the not quite best-selling sales primer Everything I learned about Sales I learned in Prison. In Part two, Biff reveals the remainder of his A to Z Secrets for Sales Superstardom, starting with the letter P.
If you missed last week’s Part One, or you just need a refresher on the letters of the alphabet, you can read it here.
Now back to the Biff Biven’s guest post, Part Two.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Welcome back, evurbahdy. I’ve saved my best sales tips for the second half of the alphabet. So let’s get ‘er started.
(more…)
by TEJ | Aug 6, 2010 | Business humor
Introductory Note from Tim Jones:
For much of my career I have been in sales management. The first thing any new salesperson learns is the ABCs of sales. You know – Always Be Closing. Turns out, this is a totally five minutes ago approach. I’m delighted to have veteran sales coach and motivational speaker Biff Biven take the helm this week as my guest blogger, to tell VFTB’s readers about the NEW ABCs of sales. That’s Biff on the left.
Biff is proud to say he came just 3 credits shy of graduating from Rebel Yell Elementary School in Biloxi, Mississippi. He is a renowned expert on direct sales strategies, having done direct selling for several decades (on and off, when he was not collecting welfare checks or serving time). Some of his achievements include direct sales roles with KFC, McDonalds (where he once met Ronald), Stanley Steamer carpet cleaner, and Shucks Auto Supply, to name just a few of the 37 Fortune 10,000 companies he has worked with over the past 35 years. He is perhaps most proud of his current role with Dominos, where every day he is personally responsible for driving regional sales (in his 1987 two-tone Ford Pinto hatchback).
(more…)
by TEJ | Feb 6, 2010 | In the News Humor, Political humor
God bless America. On January 21st, the Supreme Court of the United States finally brought justice to a long oppressed minority: Citigroup – and the other Fortune 500 companies which have for too long been ignored in our Democracy. I for one could not be more proud to be an American than I am right now. Yes, in a stunning landmark ruling that overturned more than 100 years of misguided legal precedent, the Supreme Court courageously broke down one of the longest-running barriers that enslaved our corporations and barred them from one of the fundamental rights every other citizen has long enjoyed: The right to free speech.
(more…)
