Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition

Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition

[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.] 

Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, and 500 other America-hating, fake media sources, the news lately has been amazingly great. Here’s a summary of the incredibly positive top stories from the past week.

President Trump signed an Executive Order (EO) to override the Circuit Court of Appeals’ unanimous verdict, which had falsely claimed that his Muslim travel ban was a Muslim travel ban and thus unconstitutional and illegal. Trump’s EO officially bans all federal courts that disagree with any of his EOs because his awesome presidential constitutional authority is bigger than the courts’.

President Trump had an amazingly successful first phone call with Queen Margrethe II of Denmark. In a seven-minute call originally scheduled for an hour, the Queen gushed about her adoration for America’s new president and pledged her full submission, we mean, full cooperation to ensure strong diplomatic relations. And if the Danish ambassador says Trump called the Queen a b*tch when she refused to let Trump deport all our Muslims to Denmark, the ambassador’s a lying, whining loser whose wife is a 4 at best.

Continue reading “Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition” »

WARNING: You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder

WARNING: You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder

Over the past 18 months a previously unknown but highly dangerous psychiatric disorder has spread across the entire United States. It is now considered by medical experts to be our nation’s most nefarious mental health problem. This malady’s scientific name is Tolerance of Racist, Unbalanced, Misogynistic Predators Disorder. But it’s more commonly known by its acronym, T.R.U.M.P. 

People exposed to T.R.U.M.P. lose the ability to maintain clear, rational thinking and are unable to tell fake news from real. Scientists have discovered that T.R.U.M.P. tends to target less educated and lower income individuals. Blue collar workers concentrated in white, rural communities seem to be particularly vulnerable to this disorder.

One of the most insidious aspects of this thus-far incurable condition is that most people who have contracted it are oblivious to just how dangerous T.R.U.M.P. is to their safety and economic well-being. And the number of people afflicted has risen alarmingly in the past few months.

Warning signs you may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P.

If you enjoy reading conspiracy theory rants on social media about Mexicans and Muslims ruining America, you may have been exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Interaction with fake news sites like Breitbart and PatriotNation.com correlate highly with contraction of this mental illness. If you have no problem with the leader of our nation grabbing women by the genitals or walking into dressing rooms of beauty pageants to ogle young, semi-nude female contestants, you may have a particularly noxious case. If you believe in the concept of “alternative facts”, consult a psychiatrist immediately.

Continue reading “WARNING: You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder” »