VIEW from the BLEACHERS
My personal search for signs of intelligent life in the universe and in my neighborhood
A humor blog
by Tim Jones, BA, JD, MBA, ESQ, FAQ, INC, LOL, WTF, UBU, IDK, ETC
Recently, my wife decided that my condition had deteriorated so much that she wanted to trade me in. She was unhappy with my performance and my parts were breaking down. So she inquired about getting me recalled by the manufacturer. This is the letter she got back.
In my entire life, I never really have had what you would call “long hair.” That is until now. Thanks to the Coronavirus pandemic and the rigid shelter in place mandate, it’s been five months since my last haircut. I’m starting to look like a backup drummer for Metallica – or at the very least one of their roadies.
For much of my life, I have been on the receiving end of practical jokes – because, apparently, everybody got the memo that said Tim is a good sport. But what some people may not know is that Tim can GIVE a joke as well as he takes one. This is the true retelling of the time I pulled a doozy of a prank on my best friend. He never saw it coming.
I had the most wonderful dream last night. It felt so real. I woke up positively gleeful, feeling hopeful for the first time in four years. It may have been the after-effects of anesthesia from my recent knee replacement surgery, but I’d like to think it was prophetic. A guy can dream, can’t he?
My two daughters are now in their mid-twenties. And one of them is in a serious long-term relationship. Sooner or later, if all goes well, she will get engaged. So, in anticipation of that eventuality, I have drafted a letter to my future son-in-law, with some words of advice about what they’re getting themselves into.
Recently, I signed up to receive my genealogical history from a service called Ancestree.com. The report came back that I was distantly related to a ficus. Turns out the service is not related to Ancestry.com. I’ll never make that mistake again.