VIEW from the BLEACHERS

My personal search for signs of intelligent life in the universe and in my neighborhood

A humor blog

by Tim Jones, BA, JD, MBA, ESQ, FAQ, INC, LOL, WTF, UBU, IDK, ETC

If You Need a Lawyer, I Found Just the Guy

If You Need a Lawyer, I Found Just the Guy

If you’ve run into a streak of bad luck, say, your wife is divorcing you, the IRS is auditing you for failure to pay back taxes, and you just totaled another dude’s car in an accident that was your fault. Well, then you’re screwed. Sorry. Can’t help you. But for the rest of you, meet Marvin Guerkin, Attorney at Law.
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Annoying People

Annoying People

I don’t really hate anybody. Hate is just not a word in my vocabulary – unless used in the context of “I hate broccoli”, in which case, “hate” is not strong enough a descriptor. Life is just too short to go around hating other people. But it’s not too short to point out people who annoy the hell out of me. I’ve plenty of time for that.
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How I Got Crabs

How I Got Crabs

Yum, Yum. Look at this crab pot filled with so many mouth-watering Dungeness Crabs. At the grocery store, it can cost up to $9 a pound. That’s pretty darn expensive. Save money by doing it yourself. All you need is a $3,000 boat and $500 in crab pots, rope and buoys.
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Things Didn’t Go as Planned

Things Didn’t Go as Planned

When I was young, I was always planning out my life, sometimes down to the minute. I was very organized and very self-directed. I always had a plan. But when I graduated from college, it turns out, things didn’t always quite go as planned. And, as it turns out, that’s not such a bad thing after all.
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Cupcake Diplomacy

Cupcake Diplomacy

As an expert military strategist and former five-star Air Force General, I am concerned about all the rising global tensions I am witnessing – from Iran to North Korea to Baltimore Orioles season’s ticket holders. I have a solution to end all the madness: cupcakes.
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Classmate Updates I’d Like to See

Classmate Updates I’d Like to See

Once every three months, I experience pangs of inadequacy. That’s because my latest copy of my high school alumni newsletter arrives in the mail. That’s when I read the Class Notes and find out how much more successful everyone’s career has been than mine. Even that slacker Tony Gorzelnik, who never applied himself in school but now is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Sigh.
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I Am So Sick of White Guys

A bitingly hilarious political satire coloring book — the perfect gift to infuriate that special Trump supporter in your life.

YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE

You're Grounded For Life book

Read this hysterically funny book about Tim Jones’s many parenting failures — Sure to make you feel like Parent of the Year by comparison.

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