BREAKING NEWS: Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall

BREAKING NEWS: Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announces he’ll erect a southern border wall to protect Canada from all the invading caravans of desperate Americans fleeing the US in search a sane safe haven — and better quality beer.

Ottawa – Today, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau delivered a landmark speech to the combined chambers of the Canadian Parliament. He announced his plans to erect a 50-foot-tall wall along the entire length of the USA-Canadian border to keep them safe from the hordes of Americans fleeing the USA. Countless numbers are seeking asylum in Canada, widely considered the last remaining enclave of sanity north of Mexico.

Canadians were initially enraged when the Prime Minister’s address cut into an intermission of the Maple Leafs – Oilers game. Mr. Trudeau began his ten-minute speech in the traditional Canadian manner, by apologizing for interrupting TV coverage of the Zamboni re-surfacing the ice rink.

In his remaining 90 seconds, he was resolute. “In recent months, with all the erratic behavior coming out of the White House in Washington, DC, it has caused tremors throughout our great nation. Our fine people are increasingly fearful that Donald Trump may destroy the world economy, start a nuclear war, or worse yet, attempt to visit Canada.

Canada’s charismatic leader pointed to indisputable evidence of massive caravans trying to breach their perimeter. “They’re filled with lots of scary, dangerous people heading straight for our defenseless southern border. Some really bad people, ya’ know? So, I have no choice but to place the safety and security of our people first.” According to fact checkers, he apologized twenty-three times during his ten-minute presentation.

Trudeau pointed to the latest news stories reporting thousands of Americans in Honda SUVs and Subaru Cross-overs closing in on the Great White North, with several invaders known to be aggressive hand-shakers.

Continue reading “BREAKING NEWS: Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall” »

Top Stories, As Reported by Trump News Network

Top Stories, As Reported by Trump News Network

Here’s your daily briefing from Trump News Network (formerly known as Fox News).

Stunning Midterm Election Victory

The midterms are over, and President Trump is basking in the glow of a historic Republican triumph. The Democrats were trounced in almost every congressional election (if you don’t count the lone exception of the House of Representatives). “We would have won every single House and Senate contest if it weren’t for massive voter fraud perpetrated by Democrats everywhere,” said the President. “In fact, the Democrats blatantly attempted to steal some races by forcing the polling stations to count all the votes. This is an outrage,” he added.

Trump Ranked Most Popular President Among Women

It’s official. In a poll of blue-collar women with a 4th grade education who think Jews are the problem, 65% said Trump was the best president for women ever. “What can I say,” said a clearly pleased Trump. “Women love me. And I love the ladies – so long as they’re at least an 8, of course.” 

In a related poll, taken by the TNN (Trump News Network), more blacks admire President Trump than any other president since Barack Obama. When asked why he is so loved by people of color, Mr. Trump humbly reflected, “I’m the least racist person you’ll ever meet. Negroes love me. Just ask Kanye.” 

The Fight to Keep our Southern Borders Safe

Pentagon officials have confirmed the president’s marching orders to send 500,000 troops to the Mexican border over the next two weeks, admitting that it will mean diverting all remaining troops from the Middle East and South Korea. “You have to send our fighting men where the threat’s the greatest,” said history’s greatest military genius. 

TNN has confirmed that the maniacal horde is already less than 1,200 miles from an imminent invasion. Based on rough estimates the President made while playing Candy Crush, if the Honduran terrorist caravan averages 100 miles a day on foot, they’ll reach our borders by Thanksgiving. By then, the US military should have the nuclear warheads in position. “Who knows what kinds of deadly weapons those 13-year-old girls might have stuffed in their Hello Kitty back packs? And a rock could poke someone’s eye out!” the president warned.

According to administration sources, spy planes have identified some of the vilest criminals among their ranks, including George Soros, the 2018 Super Bowl-winning Philadelphia Eagles who snubbed the president’s invitation to the White House, and Rosie O’Donnell. “They must be stopped, especially Rosie,” Trump tweeted. 

Thanks to President Trump’s courageous concern for the safety of our nation’s fearful white citizens, our southern borders are at long last secure. “Next up will be a wall to protect our Eastern border,” said the Commander-in-Chief.  Continue reading “Top Stories, As Reported by Trump News Network” »

My Cat Buddy Announces His Bid for the Presidency in 2020

My Cat Buddy Announces His Bid for the Presidency in 2020

[Note: Tim Jones is on vacation (pause for applause and sighs of relief). Standing in is his cat Buddy, who would like to share an important political announcement. – Staff at VFTB]

Greetings, my fellow Americans. I am Buddy. Just Buddy. No last name, as far as I know. That’s me to the right. In case you think I look familiar, it might be because I bear a striking resemblance to another kitty, my uncle Blackie, who, you may recall, composed a very important message in this blog a few years ago. (What can I say, my human, Tim Jones, really sucks at naming cats.)

Ever since Donald Trump was elected president, my human has been pacing around his man cave, going on rants, like “How could such an inept buffoon be President?” and “The man is totally unfit for the office!” Now that I look at Trump, he does look terribly out of shape. He really should stop wearing those tight tennis shorts, if you ask me. He apparently has aspirations to become a bird, as he tweets all the time. I have no idea what he’s writing – but then, neither does he. I guess we are both illiterate.

Watching Tim scream at the TV each night as he watches Rachel Maddow or Lawrence O’Donnell describe the latest Trump abomination, it’s become as plain as the whiskers on my face that I could do a better job running this country. So, that is why today, I am announcing my plans to run for president. I realize some may view me as unfit as Trump, so I have hired a personal trainer to help me shed the kitty fat and get in shape.

You may be asking yourself, “Why should I vote for a cat?” After all, there’s never been a cat that sat in the Oval Office – unless you count President Clinton’s cat Socks. But I’m fairly sure Socks had limited veto power. So, why me? Where do I begin?

First, the only skeleton you’ll find in my closet is from a mouse I killed and left as a gift for my human. (He still hasn’t thanked me, by the way.) Full disclosure: Like Trump, I too have an embarrassing episode involving peeing on a bed. In my defense, I was only a kitten and not fully litter-trained. 

Unlike Trump, I have never said an unkind word about Mexicans and never will – unless they take my spot on the couch. Then they’re dead to me. I will never give any foreign leader a reason to get angry with me or brush me off – unless they’re easily upset by cat fur on their Armani jacket. My breed tends to shed a lot. Continue reading “My Cat Buddy Announces His Bid for the Presidency in 2020” »

If Trump shot Michael Cohen in broad daylight, here’s what Republicans would say

If Trump shot Michael Cohen in broad daylight, here’s what Republicans would say

[Note by Tim Jones: This week’s column was written by Lawrence Douglas and Alexander George.]

You can just imagine the tweets, denials and equivocating that would follow a murder committed by Trump on Fifth Avenue, can’t you?

The New York Times:

Breaking news: in an eerie echo of Donald Trump’s infamous campaign trail remark – “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters” – many witnesses report, and CCTV footage obtained by the Times confirms, that early this morning the president drew a handgun on his former lawyer Michael Cohen and shot him dead on a street in midtown Manhattan.

House speaker Paul Ryan:

“If these reports are true – I emphasize IF – then yes, I’m very concerned. I don’t think the president should be killing people in broad daylight in front of Tiffany’s. But I’m not a legal expert, I could be wrong.”

White House press secretary Sarah Sanders:

Associated Press: “Ms. Sanders, did the president shoot his former lawyer in an effort to stop him from testifying against the president?”

Sarah Sanders: “No, he did not.”

AP: “Are you saying that the shooting was not motivated by Mr. Cohen’s recent plea deal, or rather that the president did not shoot him?”

SHS: “You’ve got my answer, Jim. No, no, no.”

AP: “Ms. Sanders, I’m still not clear what –”

SHS: “The answer is no. No as in no. N. O. It’s these kinds of questions that have turned the American people against the press.”  Continue reading “If Trump shot Michael Cohen in broad daylight, here’s what Republicans would say” »

BREAKING NEWS! President Trump Says Something Shocking AND Offensive

BREAKING NEWS! President Trump Says Something Shocking AND Offensive

[Author’s note: Every day seems to bring a new stunning Trump scandal or controversy, so much so that the mainstream media simply can’t keep up. So, as a public service, VFTB has issued this generic news story the media can use at any time, when they don’t have time to cover the latest outrageous thing that comes out of the president’s mouth. – TEJ]

Dateline: Washington, D.C., Any Date 2018

BREAKING NEWS. President Trump stunned the nation this afternoon when he said something shocking and deeply disturbing. According to an anonymous insider, he did not tell anyone in advance that he was going to say it.

He apparently decided to go off script [choose one of the following:] at a meeting with Fortune 500 business executives / before a rally of his supporters / talking with fellow golfers at one of his resorts. He spoke extemporaneously – something that has created problems throughout his presidency.

Members of the mainstream media were aghast by the president’s highly controversial pronouncements. Some political pundits called his remarks “unhinged” and “a new low even for this presidency.”

Asked about the president’s disquieting utterances, House Speaker Ryan declined to give an opinion, saying, “I didn’t see his speech, so, I really can’t comment – unless Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham approved of what he had to say. Then, yes, I stand by my President.”

No one really knows why the president decided to say something so deeply divisive and seemingly ill-conceived. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders initially denied that the president said anything inappropriate. Later, upon being shown the video, she questioned the sound quality. “I really can’t make out what he said due to the loud background music. Is that AC-DC’s Thunderstruck playing? I love that song.”

The president later doubled down, tweeting that he meant what he said and that anyone who disagreed with his observation is part of the fake news’ witch hunt against him. When shown the president’s tweet, Huckabee Sanders backpedaled, replying, “I’m quite certain he was joking. The president is known for his hilarious sense of humor.”

The President subsequently dispatched a memo declaring “I’m not joking.” Huckabee Sanders, asked if she still thought he was just clowning around, shrugged and said, “I feel a migraine coming on. I think I better lie down.”

Continue reading “BREAKING NEWS! President Trump Says Something Shocking AND Offensive” »

President Trump, Arming Teachers is an Excellent Start

President Trump, Arming Teachers is an Excellent Start

[Author’s Note: America’s gun violence epidemic is no laughing matter. What happened in Parkland, Florida recently, resulting in the deaths of 17 students, teachers and coaches was horrifying. This post is my attempt to point out the lunacy of the lame response by Congress, most state legislatures and our president to the issue, because they are all too afraid to stand up and take on the NRA. – TEJ]

Dear President Trump,

Let’s be clear: I did not vote for you. But I have to admit – you’re doing an amazing job at Making America Safe Again.

I must say, whatever triggered your latest inspiration – to curb school shootings by arming teachers – is every bit as well-thought-out and necessary as your Mexican border wall idea – and nobody is more of a stable genius than you, Mr. President.

In your courageous tweet you advocated providing guns to 20 to 40% of the teachers in each school. According to the Department of Education, there are approximately 3.6 million teachers in schools across the nation. Now, I’m no math genius like you, Mr. President, but assuming 30% of the teachers are armed, that works out to roughly 1.1 million more guns in our schools. Great plan, sir.

Oh, sure, these teachers will need to spend a lot of time in training. But isn’t that a far more important use of their time than teaching students? After all, most of those kids aren’t paying attention in class anyway.

And it will no doubt cost a pretty penny to buy all these guns and train all these teachers on the proper use of firearms. But if I know you, you’ll probably just take the money out of the Medicaid budget. I’m sure you’ve figured that all out.

Continue reading “President Trump, Arming Teachers is an Excellent Start” »