Trump’s Final Days – As Reported by Different Media

Trump’s Final Days – As Reported by Different Media

[The following is political satire and not necessarily the news.]

OANN is the first major conservative news media outlet to report on President Trump’s flawless speech at his Jan 6th DC STOP THE STEAL rally where he urged his fervent supporters to break into the Capitol and force VP Pence to certify the election for him – but do it in a polite, orderly, non-violent, totally legal fashion.

OANN is the first major conservative news media outlet to report on President Trump’s flawless speech at his Jan 6th DC STOP THE STEAL rally where he urged his fervent supporters to break into the Capitol and force VP Pence to certify the election for him – but do it in a polite, orderly, non-violent, totally legal fashion.

In looking back over Donald Trump’s tumultuous final 2 & 1/2 months in office, the storm of chaotic tweets, rallies and related events only intensified, as the countdown clock ticked down the final days and hours of his historically scandal-plagued presidency.

But you might not know that, based on how some of the rightwing news media outlets covered these same events.

Here are some of the more notable “breaking news” events of the final weeks of the Trump Administration, as captured by headlines from the mainstream media – and by some on the far right.

November 3, 2020 – Election night in America

The New York Times: Trump Leads in Early Tallies; Biden Closing Gap as Mail-in Ballots are Counted.

The Washington Post: Too Close to Call. Trump’s Election Night Lead Dwindling

Fox News: Trump Wins in Historic Landslide. Biden on Suicide Watch After Humiliating Defeat 

Breitbart: If You Don’t Count Blue States, Trump Delivers Biden Crushing Defeat 

November 7, 2020 – the day the presidential election is officially called for Biden 

Politico: JOE BIDEN DECLARED 46th PRESIDENT OF USA

CNN: BIDEN WINS, 306 to 272 Electoral Votes; Wins 7 Million More Votes Than Trump

Newsmax: Massive Election Fraud Temporarily Delays Nationwide Celebrations for Trump’s Comeback Re-election Landslide Win 

Info Wars: Joe Biden Continues to Deny He Held Under-Age Girls as Sex Slaves in his Wilmington Duplex 

December 12, 2020 – the day Trump’s STOP THE STEAL rally in DC erupted in chaos and injuries 

Fox News Trump, having successfully completed his historic 4-year plan to Make America Great Again, will take time off from his presidential duties for some down time. But he promises to get right back to work as your president after a brief 4-year golfing sabbatical.

Fox News Trump, having successfully completed his historic 4-year plan to Make America Great Again, will take time off from his presidential duties for some down time. But he promises to get right back to work as your president after a brief 4-year golfing sabbatical.

NPR: 4 Stabbed, 33 Arrested After Trump Supporters, Counter-Protesters Clash In D.C. 

ABC News: Violent clashes between pro-Trump protesters and Black Lives Matter supporters as Trump Rally Goes Off the Rails

One America News Network (OANN): Antifa Black Lives Matter Protestors Mar Peaceful Trump Rally by Jumping in Front of Trump Supporters’ Knives, Assault Rifles, and Mace 

Rush Limbaugh: God Told Me in a Dream That Anyone Who Opposes Trump Will Burn Forever in Hell 

January 2, 2021 – the day Trump called the Georgia Secretary of State to pressure him to find him 11,780 votes 

The Wall Street Journal: Trump, in Recorded Call, Pressures Georgia Sec. of State to ‘Find’ Him Votes

The Atlanta Journal Constitution: Trump, in Taped Call, Pressured Georgia Official to Find Votes to Overturn Election

The Drudge Report: Georgia Sec. of State Offers Trump 11,780 Votes. Offended, Trump Politely Declines

Fox News: Tennessee Woman Fosters 100 Cats; Neighbors Consider Her a Saint 

January 6, 2021 – the day Congress convened to certify the election results, which was marred when fanatical Trump supporters stormed the Capitol building 

CNN: Incited by the President, Pro-Trump Rioters Violently Storm the Capitol

Reuters: Trump Supporters Storm the Capitol to Attack Democracy

Newsmax: Breaking News: Eating Apple Pie Can Help You Lose Weight 

Hannity Radio: Alaska Jogger Smashes Ice to Rescue Dog, Then Continues His Run 

January 8, 2021 – the day Twitter permanently banned Trump from its social media platform 

The New York Times: Twitter Permanently Bans Trump, Capping Online Revolt

USA Today: Twitter Bans Trump’s Account, Citing Risk of Further Violence

OANN: Trump Quits Twitter to Protest Media Bias. “I’ll never be back,” He Defiantly Proclaims!

The Daily Caller: Trump Bails on Twitter to Launch a Competitor. Twitter Loses 90% of Its Users in 4 Hours.

January 13, 2021 – the day the House of Representatives impeached Trump for a second time

Newsmax’ Top Story for January 20, 2021: Mrs. Gladys McCloskey of Brattleboro, VT is the grand prize winner in the Wyndham County Quilting Fair. She wins for the third time in five years. Way to go, Gladys.

Newsmax’ Top Story for January 20, 2021: Mrs. Gladys McCloskey of Brattleboro, VT is the grand prize winner in the Wyndham County Quilting Fair. She wins for the third time in five years. Way to go, Gladys.

The Los Angeles Times: House, With Some G.O.P. Support, Votes to Impeach Trump a Historic Second Time

The Huffington Post: President Trump Becomes First President Ever to be Impeached Twice 

Fox News: Breaking News: Hillary Clinton’s Emails Finally Prove She’s the Anti-Christ 

Epoch Times: New Poll Shows 79 Million Americans Want to Ban Congress Permanently 

January 20, 2021 – the day Joe Biden was inaugurated as our 46th President 

US News & World Report: Joe Biden Becomes 46th President Amidst Grave Threats of Further Violence

The Atlantic: IT’S OFFICIAL. BIDEN IS 46th PRESIDENT!

Newsmax: Trump Announces Plans for a Four-Year Hiatus to Rest Up for Historic Second Term

The Glenn Beck Program: Trump Shocks World by Voluntarily Leaving White House, Calling it a Dump; Plans to Move to a Much Classier Residence (just as soon as he can find a country without an extradition treaty with the USA)

It appears I have been missing out on several important news stories that the mainstream media simply refuses to report.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.

Trump’s Termination Interview

Trump’s Termination Interview

[Author’s note:] Since 2015, I have written over 25 articles about Donald Trump alone. Click here, then under Index of Topics, find Trump to peruse these posts. It is my deepest hope to no longer feel compelled to compose about this man. He has taken up far too much real estate in my brain for the past four years. – TEJ] 

Now that President Trump has lost the election, View from the Bleachers has gained exclusive access to the official transcript of his termination interview with his boss, the American People.

The American People: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Please take a seat. We feel badly about this, but, well, our country has decided to let you go. Your final day of employment will be January 20th.

Donald Trump: Why are we even having this meeting? I clearly won the election. Everybody knows that.

People: We’ve been through this many times. As we have repeatedly told you, you did not win. Mr. Biden did.

Trump: FAKE NEWS! Everybody knows the election was rigged. If you don’t count all the people who illegally voted by mail, I won in a landslide – the biggest in history.

People: Sir, you’re getting worked up again. Would you like a bucket of KFQ to calm your nerves? Maybe a kitten?

Trump: They stole the election from me! It’s so unfair. With help from that thug Hugo Chavez and his Venezuelan voting machines, and Cuba and China and Spain and – 

People: Spain? That’s a new one. FYI, Mr. Chavez died in 2013. Besides, all the states have certified that the voting was fair. In fact, even the Department of Homeland Security says it was the most secure election in our nation’s history.

Trump: Well, the folks at Homeland Security were in on it, too. They allowed anybody to vote, even Democrats and blacks. So unfair. It’s all a hoax. Just ask all my Q-Anon followers on Twitter.

People: Donald, you cannot keep cycling through this ad nauseum – and it IS nauseating. We see that you’ve already posted seven rage tweets since this interview began. You really need to find a healthier outlet. Have you considered adult coloring books? They can be very relaxing.

Trump: Adult? Sure, I’ll grab a few. And some of these Sharpies, and my Oval Office stapler, too.

People: Donald, stop stuffing your pockets! Technically, these items belong to us. Put them back.

Trump: All of this belongs to me, including this building. I won it fair and square in 2016 – without any help from Vlad.

People: Still fixated on 2016, are we? Perhaps we were not clear enough at the outset of this meeting. We are letting you go. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you – AND WE – can move on.

Trump: You can’t fire me. I’m the only person who gets to say, “YOU’RE FIRED!”

People: As to that, we have reviewed your job performance extensively. The data doesn’t justify keeping you on any longer. You’re simply not up to the job.  The nation’s unemployment numbers are surging, the deficit is skyrocketing, all our allies are furious with you, and the COVID pandemic is spiraling out of control.

Trump: You mean the China Flu. Blame China. Totally not my fault.

People: Plus, we’ve received numerous anonymous complaints from your employees. They describe you as utterly incompetent. And that’s the most positive comment we’ve read.

Trump: Total radical leftist propaganda. Everybody who works here loves me – even the ugly ones. They all tell me I’m the greatest, handsomest, most stable genius president in history.

People: Well, the feedback from your subordinates says otherwise. They say you’re racist, foul-tempered, misogynist, corrupt, narcissistic, lazy, unwilling to read, and impulsive. They go on to say you’re divisive, mean-spirited, vindictive with  no attention span – Donald, are you even listening? Stop playing with your Trump superhero action figure and focus.

Trump: Those people, they’re are all losers – just like soldiers. I should have fired all of them the moment I hired them.

People: Mr. President, it’s clear you simply haven’t taken this job seriously. Most days you simply stay in your bedroom watching TV until well past noon. Our records indicate you have averaged over 30 lies per day. No other president has ever lied as incessantly as you. Furthermore, you spent over 300 days just golfing. Far over par. No other modern president comes close.

Trump: So, you’re saying I’m a high achiever. Finally, we agree on something. Most of those golf outings were charity tournaments.

People: We fact-checked that. Those “charity tournaments” you played in were to raise money for Trump University.

Trump: A great institution. Way better than Harvard. The Ivy League schools are all overrated.

People: Donald, we’re getting off track. Are there any Presidential decisions you made for which you wish you could have, to use a golf metaphor, a Mulligan? A do-over?

Trump: Like you said – my decisions were all presidential. A perfect presidency. Oh, wait. Picking Pence for my VEEP was ill-advised. Stupid advisors. I should’ve gone with Kristi.

People: Kristi Noem, the Governor of South Dakota? Why?

Trump: First, she adores me. Second, have you seen her? She’s a 10. Smokin’ hot bod. I bet I could have gotten her into the sack.

People: Eew. Any other regrets? How about how you separated Mexican children from their parents and put them in cages? Don’t you have even the slightest pang of guilt around that debacle?

Trump: Not my fault. If Nancy Pelosi and her gang of Congressional Communists had just let me build my wall in the first place, none of this would have happened. So, it’s totally Nancy’s fault – and Hillary’s. They are two NASTY women.

People: How about your handling of the Coronavirus pandemic? Over a quarter million people have died, even though you kept saying it would magically go away and that we were always turning the corner. 

Trump: Hey – I got through it fine. It was no biggie. If a quarter million morons can’t handle the common flu, that’s on them.  But Sleepy Joe totally dropped the ball. He did nothing these past 11 months to stop the spread.

People: He wasn’t the president, Donald.  You were! This is one of the many reasons why we decided to let you go.

Trump: Says who? I’ll decide when I go. Besides, I packed the Supreme Court with my justices. They owe me. So, I’m pretty sure I’m here to stay. “12 MORE YEARS. 12 MORE YEARS!”

People:  No. Like we said, your termination is effective January 20, 2021. On that date, you must evacuate the premises. President-Elect Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th president. This is not up to you.

Trump preparing to board Marine One for the final time, after getting fired by the American People. The reasons given for his abrupt termination were many, but boiled down to this: “We (the American people) think you’d be happier selling condos, Donald.”

Trump preparing to board Marine One for the final time, after getting fired by the American People. The reasons given for his abrupt termination were many, but boiled down to this: “We (the American people) think you’d be happier selling condos, Donald.”

Trump: Fine. I’ll go. I’ll just put Jared and Ivanka in charge. They’ll do whatever I tell them to.

People: Donald, we don’t think you understand. We are evicting you – and your entire team, including Jared and Ivanka. You can move back to Mar-a-Lago. But you can’t stay here.

Trump: Well, in that case, I’m taking a few things with me. Because I was told that I get to keep them.

People: Uh, no, you cannot take that bust of Lincoln. Or the Resolute Desk. They belong to the people of the United States.

Trump: I carved my initials in the desk, so legally it’s mine now. And that lamp. And this toaster… and this set of steak knives…. and…

People: Oh, dear….. Security? Send a Secret Service detail to the Oval Office stat. We appear to have a bit of a problem.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020. Edited by Betsy Jones.

Trump Announces Heightened Election Security Measures

Trump Announces Heightened Election Security Measures

Thanks to the COVID pandemic, millions more people are expected to vote by mail in the 2020 election. To prevent massive voter fraud, the Trump Administration is taking bold action, like requiring every mail-in ballot to be accompanied by a check for $50 payable to Re-Elect Trump to Save America. Don’t forget to include postage.

Thanks to the COVID pandemic, millions more people are expected to vote by mail in the 2020 election. To prevent massive voter fraud, the Trump Administration is taking bold action, like requiring every mail-in ballot to be accompanied by a check for $50 payable to Re-Elect Trump to Save America. Don’t forget to include postage.

The 2020 presidential election is fast approaching. In recent days, alarm bells have gone off about the possibility of rampant voter fraud. President Trump has gone so far as to suggest the entire election has been nefariously rigged by the Democrats and that mail-in votes are going to be submitted by millions of people who have no right to vote, including the Chinese, dead people, and blacks.

Many on the left have argued there is no evidence of widespread voter fraud, insisting this is a myth concocted by Trump because he knows he’s going to lose. “Another Trump crazy conspiracy theory,” they quip. But the President has effectively refuted those specious claims with compelling evidence, pronouncing, “Everybody knows there is massive voting fraud,” and “You should hear what people are saying about mail-in ballots.” As if that wasn’t enough, Trump retweeted an actual post from a random dude with the Twitter handle @MAGALarry129lockherup, which reported “I know a guy who thinks something’s fishy with the mail-in voting in Scranton.”

What further proof do God-fearing Americans need? In order to prevent this dangerous assault on our sacred electoral process, President Trump and his personal Department of Justice (a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Trump Administration) have nobly promulgated a series of stringent voting requirements intended to prevent flagrant voter fraud by the corrupt Biden campaign. The following provisions only apply to people who choose to vote by mail – or vote Democrat. Those voters will now be compelled to furnish the following supplemental information to prove they are who they claim to be:

  • A valid USA passport AND
  • A copy of their social security card AND
  • Three years of federal tax returns (unless they switch their vote to Trump, then they can skip this step) AND
  • A donation of $100 or more to the Trump charity of their choice (Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka or Tiffany)

The Department of Homeland Security has also provided a list of criteria which will immediately disqualify certain America-hating groups from voting, including:

  • Anyone recently released from prison (this provision does not apply to Trump campaign or Trump administration officials)
  • Anyone who has ever seen the Broadway play Hamilton
  • Any resident of Seattle, Portland, or New York (and they know why)
  • Anyone who has ever watched a Randy Rainbow song parody
  • Muslims, or anyone with a Muslim-sounding name, such as, hypothetically, a name like Barack Hussein Obama

In addition, all mail-in ballots have been updated for this year’s election to more easily indicate people’s voting preferences. Here is a mockup of the new streamlined mail-in ballot that will be used in all 50 states.

Even with the above measures, it’s impossible to prevent 100% of the voter fraud the Democrats plan to unleash in 2020. Impartial observers like Roger Stone point out that the Biden campaign will have a huge unfair advantage in the voter tabulation. This is in part because, for reasons impossible to explain, more people appear to prefer the Democratic candidate over our very stable genius Commander-in-Chief.

Therefore, in order to balance this lopsided scale, the Department of Justice has announced a totally impartial new voting scale as follows:

  • Each vote for Joe Biden will count as 1 vote
  • Each one for Donald Trump will count as 2 votes
  • Each one for Kanye counts as 1 vote for Donald Trump. (Because, seriously, a vote for Kanye really is a vote for Trump. Let’s not kid ourselves.)

Using this new, fairer weighted voting system, the outcome will almost certainly no longer be in doubt on election night. Thankfully, Americans won’t have to agonize for weeks, wondering who ultimately won, Trump or Biden. Now they’ll be able to start their agonizing on election night, knowing that same evening who will be sitting in the Oval Office (and tweeting) for four more years.

President Trump claims the Democrats are engaged in massive voter fraud. Moreover, he refuses to commit to a peaceful transition of power if he loses. So, to ensure things go smoothly, he has issued an Executive Order that he can continue to live in the White house no matter what the ballots state. What could possibly go wrong?

President Trump claims the Democrats are engaged in massive voter fraud. Moreover, he refuses to commit to a peaceful transition of power if he loses. So, to ensure things go smoothly, he has issued an Executive Order that he can continue to live in the White house no matter what the ballots state. What could possibly go wrong?

Because of the enormous volume of mail-in ballots predicted in this year’s election, the U.S. Postal Service has expressed serious concerns about its ability to deliver them all by the Election Day deadline (November 3rd). Therefore, the Department of Making Shit Up has announced that for this year only, the deadline to vote by mail will be moved up to September 15th, to give the post office plenty of  time to get those ballots delivered.

If you miss that deadline, don’t worry. You’ll still be able to drop off your ballot at any of the many polling stations conveniently located in affluent, white suburban communities or in the middle of nowhere. Thousands of volunteers will be prominently located at polling stations in every battleground state, happy to explain to any person hoping to cast a ballot for Biden why, unfortunately, they’re not eligible to vote. But they’ll be very nice about it. They’ll  also be easy to spot: they’ll be the friendly folks wearing camo pants, a red MAGA hat and carrying an AK-47 assault rifle.

Thanks to these bold measures, our election security will be the tightest it’s been in American history, and the chances of widespread vote-by-mail fraud by Democrats should be contained. But in the event Joe Biden still attempts to steal the election using shameful tactics like being the more attractive candidate (literally), President Trump is still confident that he will win in the end. That’s because he has faith in our democratic institutions.

However, on the off chance that democracy fails him, and the election is decided by the Supreme Court, Trump has incriminating Photoshopped pictures of Supreme Court Justices Kavanagh, Thomas, and Gorsuch in drag. The President added, “It would be a shame if those photos accidentally ended up in the Inquirer.” 

Looks like when it comes to this election, everything’s going to work out fine.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020. Edited by Betsy Jones.

Trump Team Searches for a New 2020 Campaign Slogan

Trump Team Searches for a New 2020 Campaign Slogan

As many of you know, I’m a nationally sought-after brand marketer, known for my ability to come up with memorable slogans. Remember the Nike slogan, Just Do It? Well, technically, I didn’t come up with it, but the slogan I proposed was eerily similar: For Pete’s Sake, Get Off Your Ass and Do Something For Once In Your Life. Apparently, Nike did not recognize my true genius when it was right in front of them – outside their corporate headquarters’ main entrance, trying to sneak past security, so I could pitch my idea.

It has come to my attention that President Trump’s campaign is struggling to come up with a new campaign slogan for his 2020 re-election bid. He can’t use Make America Great Again because, well, he’s already accomplished that task bigly.

The challenge for our very stable Genius-in-Chief is that under his historically successful watch, the economy has cratered, and now unemployment is hovering at near Great Depression levels – totally not Trump’s fault. Personally, I blame Obama.

He’s also facing a pandemic that has killed over 150,000 citizens – again totally not Trump’s fault – he was out golfing when it happened and couldn’t be interrupted. Everybody who doesn’t watch Fake News knows China alone caused our mess. And then there’s the tens of thousands of black (and white, young and old, straight and gay) terrorists who have been taking to the streets to protest and rudely interfere with our dear president’s patriotic attempt at a photo op.

I almost feel sorry for the guy, seeing him flail about, as all the fake news disasters mount daily. That’s why I’ve offered to help him create a slogan for his 2020 campaign. I have come up with several captivating slogan ideas I plan to pitch to God’s Chosen Leader if he will ever return my phone calls. I’m just getting started.

Trump 2020 – Re-elect Me and I’ll Set Melania Free 

Trump 2020 – Leading Our Country to Greatness, One Rage Tweet at a Time 

Trump 2020 – Because It’s Time We Finally Opened Up Our National Parks to Bear Hunting and Oil Drilling 

Trump 2020 – People Who Say I’m a Divisive President are Big, Fat, Ugly Losers 

Trump 2020 – I’m a Very Stable Genius – Just ask Hannity 

Trump 2020 – Making America the World Leader in Global Warming (That’s a good thing, isn’t it, Jared?)

Trump 2020 – Because Only I Can Save You* (*The preceding claim applies to millionaires, billionaires, Fortune 500 CEO’s, and members of Mar-a-Lago) 

Trump 2020 – I’m Putin America First 

Trump 2020 – Erasing Obama’s Legacy One Executive Order at a Time 

Trump 2020 – Because who are you going to believe, 10,000 newspapers, magazines, cable networks and your own eyes or ME? 

Trump 2020 – Keeping Out Mexicans Since 2017 

Trump 2020 – Any Screw-ups were Eric’s Fault. 

Trump 2020 – There Was No Collusion – Vlad Will Back Me on This 

Trump 2020 – EVERYBODY LOVES ME* (*limited exceptions include blacks, Hispanics, women, Muslims, gays, anyone from a NATO country, people who have actually met Donald Trump, pets, Mother Nature…) 

Trump 2020 – America’s Best President Ever. Lincoln Was Overrated. 

Trump 2020 – I Will Finish that Mexican Wall and Mexico WILL Pay For It (or the American Taxpayers will, if Mexico won’t agree to my demands)

Trump 2020 – Space Force Was My Idea 

Trump 2020 – Nobody Humps the Flag Like Me 

Trump 2020 – Draining the Swamp (and filling it with Betsy DeVos, William Barr, …) 

Trump 2020 – Only I Can Bring Our Country Together – Like I Did in Charlottesville 

Trump 2020 – I Know More Than The Generals (That’s Why I Fired Them All and Replaced Them with a Colonel Sanders Impersonator) 

Trump 2020 – I Stood Up to North Korea (and in the Process Fell In Love with Little Rocket Man)

Trump 2020 – I’m the Least Racist President In History.  Negroes Love Me, Just Ask Kanye 

Trump 2020 – I’m The Smartest Person You’ll Ever Meet (But If You attempt to Obtain My High School or College Transcripts, I’ll Sue You)

Trump 2020 – People May Love Fauci More Than Me, But I Can Fire Him at Any Moment

Trump 2020 – I Have the Longest Attention Spa – Hey, Look. It’s Ivanka 

Trump 2020 – LAW & ORDER (describes a TV show, not my administration)

Trump 2020 – The First President to Almost Buy Greenland 

Trump 2020 – It Took Me Just 12 Months to Unite All the NATO Nations (against me) 

Trump 2020 – When It Comes to COVID-19, Two Words: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! 

Trump 2020 – Only I Can Protect You from Cancer-Causing Windmills 

Trump 2020 – I Aced the Memory Test: “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV” – The Doctors Couldn’t Believe It!

Trump 2020 – Creating (and Destroying) the Greatest Economy in History

Trump 2020 – I SUPPORT NATO (Not Another Term, Okay?) 

Trump 2020 – People are Dying to Re-elect Me 

Trump 2020 – Vote for Me. Help Me Avoid Prison. 

Trump 2020 – He May Be a Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath, But He’s Also an Idiot

Trump 2020 – The Buck Stops at Hillary 

Trump 2020 – Because Great Leaders Inspect Bunkers During a Crisis 

Trump 2020 – Tear Gassing Americans for Jesus! 

Trump 2020 – Thanks to 150,000 Fewer People Left, My Unemployment Numbers Are Looking Up 

Trump 2020 – What More Do You Have to Lose? 

Trump 2020 – When Times Get Tough, The Tough Get Golfing 

Trump 2024 – It’s Not Safe to Vote Right Now. So, I’m Postponing the Election for Four More Years

Make America Great Again…Vote for My Opponent!

Offer your own suggested slogans in the Comments section and help Make This Blog Great Again.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020

I Had a Dream

I Had a Dream

[Author’s Note: I had the most wonderful dream last night, which I’m going to tell you all about below. It felt so real. I woke up positively gleeful, feeling hopeful for the first time in four years. It may have been the after-effects of anesthesia from my recent knee replacement surgery, but I’d like to think it was prophetic. A guy can dream, can’t he? Below is the news story I dreamed I read. – TEJ] 

JOE BIDEN BECOMES 46th PRESIDENT

YEARS OF NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT FINALLY OVER

[January 20, 2021 – Washington, D.C.]  On an extraordinary day in American history that many thought might never happen, Joseph R. Biden, Jr. was sworn in as the 46th president of the United States. An inaugural crowd in excess of three million cheered wildly, tears pouring down the faces of men, women, children, and dogs. FOX NEWS reported the occasion as “A day that will go down in infamy,” and reminded its 6,000 remaining viewers that 23 million citizens had attended Donald Trump’s 2016 inauguration (even though historians agree it was closer to 350,000, most of whom were hired actors).

Biden’s induction closes the book on the most contentious election in modern times, marred by widespread disinformation campaigns and accusations of voter fraud on both sides. While no evidence of such fraud has been found involving our new president’s campaign, authenticated videos have surfaced of Trump and Vladimir Putin naked in a sauna at Mar-a-Lago drawing up plans to rig the voting in 29 states. Granted, the documents are difficult to decipher since the crayon markings were in Russian and they mostly melted in the steam, but many of the stick figures clearly show Russian spies replacing voting booths with slot machines in Democratic-leaning districts.

This bombshell story was covered in detail by every major media outlet, except Fox News, which counter-programmed with wall-to-wall coverage of Hillary’s emails and Obamagate. Despite Trump and Putin’s conniving, in the end, the result wasn’t even close. Biden carried 49 states, though he narrowly lost in Mississippi, thanks to a recently enacted provision in their state constitution making it illegal to vote for a Democrat.

Nevertheless, Trump insisted his opponent unfairly won the election with 27 million fake votes from illegal Mexican immigrants, ISIS terrorists and black people, all of whom “don’t count”, he tweeted. In an unprecedented move, the outgoing president declined to attend the inauguration ceremony, choosing instead to chain himself to the American flag in the Oval Office. As staff scurried from the White House, they could hear their former Commander-in-Chief screaming, “Go blow, Joe! This is MY house!”

As the new First Couple drove to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Secret Service agents stormed the Oval Office, tackled the flailing Trump, and restrained him in a straitjacket, taking pains to make sure the flag never touched the ground. Having narrowly averted an awkward confrontation with the incoming president, the Secret Service turned their prisoner over to a heavily armed unit of Navy Seals, Randy Rainbow fans and Black Lives Matter activists chanting, “Lock Him Up” as they escorted him off the premises. It was difficult to make out exactly what Trump was ranting since, for the first time ever, he was forced to wear a mask, for the protection of everyone around him.

Trump’s attorneys filed a last-minute petition to the US Supreme Court, asking them to invalidate the election and give their client four more years in office. They cited an untested legal principle, “My opponent is a loser.”  Their 11th hour appeal was rejected in a 9-0 decision. Justice Ginsberg tweeted the Court’s decision, stating:

The Court finds no legal basis to intervene in the outcome of the election. Besides, Mr. Trump is just being a total douche. To teach him to not waste the Court’s time, we’re releasing all his tax returns. Have a nice day.”

Speaking of Justice Ginsberg, after posting the verdict, she issued a press release announcing she is 100% cancer-free and plans to stay on the court for the next 10 years – mainly just to piss off Mitch McConnell.

Now that the Democrats have won back the White House, expanded their control of the House and taken back the Senate, experts anticipate Biden will announce several bold initiatives in the areas of climate change, healthcare, and gun control. His proposed Executive Order that employers greet employees with a hug and a shoulder rub may, however, meet with some resistance.

With Vice President Oprah Winfrey at his side, the 46th president apologized for the previous administration’s offensive actions to the WHO, NATO, blacks, Hispanics, women, and people who value proper spelling. He went on to reinstate diplomatic relations with the exhaustive list of former allies whom Trump had alienated. In a gesture of goodwill, Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau formally reversed course and decided to scrap his country’s plans to build a southern border wall.

Speaking of border walls, in his first address as president, Biden declared that all work on a Mexican border wall would be permanently halted, and the construction teams would be redirected to build an impenetrable wall around the former president. When asked whether he would consider pardoning Trump for all the state and federal charges piling up against him, Biden added, “Absolutely not. Do I look like Gerald Ford?

As this new administration begins its journey to Make America Respectable Again, there is breaking news regarding the COVID pandemic. Just hours after Biden took the oath of office, scientists from five countries gathered to announce a vaccine that has been shown to be 99.99999% effective – and that all Americans can get it for free. When asked how they developed a vaccine so quickly, Anthony Fauci, former Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (fired by Trump), explained, “While Trump was spreading lies to vilify his opponent, Biden was personally funding our research. We figured out a vaccine a couple months ago, but no way were we letting Trump take the credit.”

Speculation abounds about the former president’s future plans. Will he start Trump News Network to keep his base energized and loyal? Now that his marriage with Melania is in tatters, will he finally wed the love of his life (other than himself, that is), namely, his daughter Ivanka? Or will he pitch Putin on a new reality show, Moscow Celebrity Apprentice? Trump has been surprisingly mum about his next chapter (11), partly because he’s been banned for life by Twitter and Facebook. Also, the psychiatric hospital currently detaining him for observation doesn’t allow phone privileges.

In other news, the Seattle Seahawks beat the New Orleans Saints 37-20 before a sold-out stadium of 60,000 screaming Hawks fans, to advance to the Super Bowl. (Like I said, a guy can dream.)

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020

Medical Experts Fear Trump May Have the Coronavirus

Medical Experts Fear Trump May Have the Coronavirus

An Exclusive Report from View from the Bleachers

Experts worry that Trump may be exposing thousands to the Coronavirus, as he continues to pump flesh everywhere he goes. Other scholars argue that millions of unsuspecting Americans have already been deeply infected by Trump. They’re easy to spot. They’re the ones wearing the red baseball caps.

Experts worry that Trump may be exposing thousands to the Coronavirus, as he continues to pump flesh everywhere he goes. Other scholars argue that millions of unsuspecting Americans have already been deeply infected by Trump. They’re easy to spot. They’re the ones wearing the red baseball caps.

Washington, D.C.  – In recent weeks, millions of Americans have become increasingly anxious as endless streams of news reports warn about a nasty, contaminating, virulent malignancy that cannot be contained. But Donald Trump isn’t the only thing they’re worried about.

They’re also a tad on edge about the Coronavirus, officially known as COVID-19. Even more frightening than a reality show host having access to nuclear launch codes, there are alarming indications the President himself may have contracted the Coronavirus.

Dr. David Britton, Chief of Immunology and Infectious Diseases at The Mayo Clinic, said, “There are several obvious signs the President has been exposed to COVID-19. Just look at his facial discoloration. What normal healthy human being has a face the color of Doritos?” Dr. Britton noted that in Trump’s recent Oval Office Address, “He appeared to be breathing very heavily throughout the speech, a major symptom of the Coronavirus.” 

Medical authorities concur that Trump fits the profile of individuals most vulnerable. As Dr. Margaret  Chen, Chief of Epidemiology at New York’s Presbyterian Hospital, explained it: “Look at the man. He’s practically the textbook definition of a high risk candidate: He’s over 70 years old, has extremely poor dietary habits, is morbidly overweight, and is a complete idiot. He’s a walking time bomb.” 

The Center For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has listed numerous warning signs that all appear present in President Trump: He exhibits shortness of breath, coughs a lot, demonstrates obvious mental decline, is easily agitated, has an inability to tell the truth, tends to be vindictive and hold grudges, exhibits patterns of xenophobia and racism, and possesses surprisingly small hands for an adult. 

In a recent Oval Office address to the nation, doctors, advisers, and even children noticed Trump’s chronic excessively heavy breathing – a clear sign he might be infected – and really sucks at delivering speeches with a tele-prompter.

In a recent Oval Office address to the nation, doctors, advisers, and even children noticed Trump’s chronic excessively heavy breathing – a clear sign he might be infected – and really sucks at delivering speeches with a tele-prompter.

For weeks, healthcare professionals have been advising Americans to avoid large crowds and physical contact with others, especially shaking hands. And yet, there is one American who, for reasons unknown, continues to ignore the advice of the medical community: Donald Trump.

Trump, who famously does not believe in science, continues to shake hands wherever he is: at Mar-a-Lago dinner parties, in rope lines, at rallies, and even the White House Rose Garden. He explains his invincibility, stating, “I’m a very stable genius”, making it abundantly clear that he is “smarter than the medical professionals” – not to mention the generals. He has successfully calmed the nation’s worries by assuring us that he has a hunch: “This will all miraculously go away in April when the weather warms up.”

The President has made repeated assurances that he’s AOK and doesn’t need to be tested because this entire crisis is a “fake news” hoax fabricated by Democrats to hurt his re-election chances. Nevertheless, CDC officials are not quite as confident as the Genius-in-Chief. And they’re not nearly as optimistic that “warm weather” is the cure for this pandemic.

Researchers have used computer modelling to predict that, unless drastic efforts are implemented quickly, between 70 and 200 million Americans could eventually contract COVID-19. That’s why they are urging all Americans to keep a safe distance – from President Trump. In fact, as a precautionary measure, First Lady Melania has taken great strides to keep a safe distance from the President at all times –  going back to the start of his administration, adding, “Why would I want to be exposed to someone that toxic?”

There is a palpable unease that because the President appears to be afflicted with this pernicious pathogen, he might infect countless others – including millions of unwitting (by which we mean witless) Fox News viewers as they literally absorb every word and movement of their Hero in Chief as reported by Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and other suspected carriers.

Many of the world’s most renown scientists fear that Trump could spread his contagious physical (and mental) illness to many of his fervent supporters. “If you want my advice,” said Dr. Edwin Templeton, spokesperson for the World Health Organization, “every patriotic American who supports President Trump should avoid any Trump rallies – or voting booths – at least until after the first Tuesday in November. Just to be on the safe side.”

If Trump has the Coronavirus, the most important task is to prevent it from spreading. Here is a most innovative idea for how to contain Trump’s disease and MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN.

If Trump has the Coronavirus, the most important task is to prevent it from spreading. Here is a most innovative idea for how to contain Trump’s disease and MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN.

The President’s personal physician suggested certain prophylactic measures to his patient, but Trump protested, “I will not use a condom!”

Communicable disease experts are considering defensive steps to help prevent the spread of Trump’s contagion. One recommendation is that Trump be quarantined immediately – perhaps by building an impenetrable wall around the Oval Office – a big, beautiful wall. Upon hearing this proposal, Mexico’s president, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, told reporters, “Mexico will gladly pay for the wall.”

Medical scholars across the country familiar with the progression of the Coronavirus argue that it has already significantly diminished Trump’s cognitive abilities. They point to his great difficulty spelling commonly used words including “honered”, “presedent”, “Caronavirus:, “Melanie”, and “kat.” They further speculate that, given his advanced age and diminished mental capacity, there could soon come a point at which Trump may have to step down, as the malady overtakes him completely.

On the bright side, if the Coronavirus has indeed infected Trump and he soon becomes so incapacitated that he is forced to abdicate, medical authorities express confidence that the mental and emotional health of millions of Americans may dramatically improve overnight just at the thought of anyone other than Trump sitting in the Oval Office.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020