Thank You for Your Donation to Donald Trump’s Election Defense Fund

Thank You for Your Donation to Donald Trump’s Election Defense Fund

[Author’s note for the humor-impaired: This is a piece of political satire and not an actual solicitation for more money by the Trump campaign. – TEJ]

My Fellow Americans,

This is your legitimate president, Donald J. Trump. I want to thank you – and roughly 470 million other great Americans – for your generous donation of $100 to my Election Defense Fund. As you know, the nasty “Unselect” January 6th Committee is perpetuating the bigliest hoax in our nation’s history, claiming that I tried to overturn the 2020 election results. This is all part of the radical Democrats’ BIG STEAL. I won the election by the greatest landslide since Andrew Jackson defeated Herbert Hoover. I beat Sleepy Joe Biden by more than 30 million votes. If you don’t believe me, ask Rudy.

Mike Lindell (the My Pillow Guy) has proof that Venezuelan goat herders colluded with Filipino call center operators to rig the Dominion voting machines so that every vote cast for the Democrat nominee for president actually ended up being switched to a vote for Joe Biden. How in the world would I stand a chance when the machines were all rigged against me like that?

If it weren’t for millions of totally fraudulent mail-in ballots by dead people (not counting my mail-in ballot, which was PERFECT), it wouldn’t have been close. My attorney John Eastman assures me most of the Democrat mail-in ballots clearly violated the Constitution’s “It’s So Unfair” clause. If those ballots were eliminated, I’d have won by more than 400 million votes – 500 million if you include Puerto Rico. Those Puerto Ricans love me.

Everybody knows that the January 6th Committee has absolutely no case against me. The only evidence they “claim” to have is firsthand eyewitness testimony from more than 500 former Trump Administration officials and allies who testified that the election wasn’t stolen and argued that Mike Pence lacked the authority to overturn the election for me, then told me all of this, and then said I ignored their legal counsel and staged a coup anyway. They even claim I pressured the Secretary of State for Georgia to “find me 11,780 votes.” So untrue. I only needed, 9,500 votes.

They also claim to have proof from over 100 people in my administration that I deliberately incited a violent insurrection on the Capitol by urging my followers to get wild at the Capitol and stop the certification vote. And when it got out of control, they said I didn’t do anything for more than three hours to stop the violence. In my defense, I didn’t have time to call off the peaceful protestors smashing through the Capitol’s windows because I was busy watching a parade on TV and tweeting. And besides, who are you going to believe: a bunch of hacks I hand-picked for their positions or me, the most honest, stable genius president ever? Next to me, Lincoln looks like Lyin’ Abe.

That’s why I created the Donald J. Trump Election Defense Fund – to combat these lies. To date, thanks to 640 million patriotic Americans like yourself, we’ve raised at least 250 MILLION DOLLARS. These funds will go to pay for my legal defense team, with the remaining $245 million set aside to help me buy Fox News and pay off a few hookers who claim that I paid them to sleep with me at the White House when Melania was out of town. That’s a lie. I never paid them.

If you don’t actually recall making your donation, that’s probably just because you were tired. Your Republican-led state legislature and your local Republican-led Board of Elections Supervisors have  assured me that you intended to vote for me, had it not been for the Democrats’ blatant efforts to steal the 2020 election from me. Now they plan to steal my 2024 election win, too. Don’t let them. That’s why I need your help with another $100 donation to my Election Defense Fund, so I can be rightfully restored to my throne the White House for another 12-year term.

A few people claim they don’t recall donating to my offshore Cayman Islands bank account Election Defense Fund. If that describes you, perhaps, when you clicked to opt out of one of the 300 email solicitations I sent you in the past six months, you failed to notice the 3-point type disclaimer at the bottom of page 7, which clearly stated:

“By opting out, you agree to make a donation of $100 every month until the last of your grandchildren dies, payable to the Trump Mar-a-Lago Club, LLC Election Defense Fund. No need to provide your credit card information. We already have it, thanks to a Russian internet troll farm we hired. We also have your social security number – just in case we need it down the road.”

The despicable January 6th Committee has nothing on me. And to those critics who claim I tried to have my own Vice President killed by an angry mob, that’s just another vicious lie. I only wanted Mikey boy roughed up a little – to teach him a lesson about the importance of loyalty.

The Committee claims my Election Defense Fund doesn’t even exist. That’s ridiculous – another lie being spread by Crooked Hillary and Hunter Biden. I had my crack team of investigators, led by Sean Hannity and that Shaman Dude who stormed the Capitol, look into it. It turns out that the $250 million is missing. And I can prove that it was stolen by Liz “Pelosi’s Lapdog” Cheney and “Little Adam Schitt.” They committed the biggest theft since Pete Davidson stole Kim Kardashian from Kanye.

Please contribute to the Donald Trump Election Defense Fund. For every $100 you donate, President Trump will send a needy middle school child an AR-15, so they can protect themselves from Radical Democrats intent on destroying our democracy.

Please contribute to the Donald Trump Election Defense Fund. For every $100 you donate, President Trump will send a needy middle school child an AR-15, so they can protect themselves from Radical Democrats intent on destroying our democracy.

That’s why I’m writing to you. I urgently need your help to stop this steal and replace the $650 million that the Democrats and RINOs stole from my Election Defense Fund. Won’t you join the other 795 million gun-loving Americans who have already pledged to donate to help me Make America Great Again?

Together, we will prove that I clearly won the election fair and square, winning over 80% of the 850 electoral votes. When I’m residing again at Mar-a-Lago North (formerly known as the White House), I promise to pardon all the great patriotic protestors who were simply at the Capitol on January 6th because they were told by Kenyan-born Barack Obama that Congress was giving out free ice cream sundaes in the House Chamber. When they found out there was no ice cream, a few of them got a little “hangry” and got mildly annoyed. Could have happened to anyone.

Unless you want to turn America over to Crazy Nancy and her Democratic Antifa Socialist Party, please give generously. Thank you for your commitment to vote for me again in 2024. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Hey, I voted for Biden in 2020. Why would I vote for you in 2024?”  trust me, you will. You see, I hired a Proud Boys reconnaissance team, and they’ve taken some extremely compromising photos of you which will be very hard to explain to your spouse – unless you vote for me.

Sincerely,

President Donald J. Trump

The Greatest President in the history of history

THIS LETTER WAS SENT ON BEHALF OF DONALD J. TRUMP, WHO APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2022

Red States Introduce Bills to Protect Women

Red States Introduce Bills to Protect Women

[Author’s note: The following is political satire. Anyone who can’t figure this out is clearly not a woman and should not be allowed to marry one.  – TEJ]

Republican-controlled state legislatures are following Texas’ lead as they introduce new statutes to empower women. In West Virginia, the Statehouse is expected to pass a bill to ensure a woman’s right to serve a fresh home-cooked meal, without any interference from the man of the house, when he arrives home from a tiring day at the office. This bill will protect motherhood.

Republican-controlled state legislatures are following Texas’ lead as they introduce new statutes to empower women. In West Virginia, the Statehouse is expected to pass a bill to ensure a woman’s right to serve a fresh home-cooked meal, without any interference from the man of the house, when he arrives home from a tiring day at the office. This bill will protect motherhood.

In an unprecedented effort to protect women (from themselves, apparently), the Republican-controlled Texas state legislature passed a historic piece of legislation to make the lives of women in the Lone Star State better than ever (unless, of course, you happen to ask any woman currently residing in the Lone Star State). They made sure that from now on no female Texan will ever have to worry about having access to a legal abortion – because abortions have been effectively outlawed. Well done, Texas state legislature.

Here’s what happened. Texas Governor Greg Abbott, a self-proclaimed women’s rights advocate, signed into law the most comprehensive abortion ban in the nation. The statute, which the U.S. Supreme Court opted to let stand, outlaws all abortions, including for rape and incest, after six weeks (a date by which most pregnant women are not yet even aware they might be pregnant).

The ban allows any private citizen to sue any person who has helped a woman obtain a forbidden abortion by awarding them a $10,000 verdict (plus legal fees). This means people can sue anyone who might have assisted a woman attempting to get an abortion after the six-week mark – the doctor, the clinic receptionist, even the taxi driver who drove her to the clinic. This bold new measure was passed by a legislative chamber – now this next part may surprise you – composed overwhelmingly of white men.

The likely outcome of this forward-thinking law will be to create a chilling effect on abortion clinics and medical professionals throughout the state, fearful of being financially ruined by the threat of an onslaught of lawsuits filed by caring individuals deeply concerned about women’s health and not in any way motivated by the chance to make a fast $10,000 bounty.

Proponents of the new statute have hailed this law as a giant step forward in establishing the rights of men who know what’s best for women’s physical and emotional well-being. Inspired by Texas’ forward-thinking measures to protect women from making decisions about their own bodies, several other Republican-controlled state legislatures are following Texas’ lead in introducing new statutes intended to protect the fairer sex. Here are some examples:

Mississippi: Citing the fact that women can get overly emotional – particularly at certain “times of the month” – the state assembly has proposed giving women the option of not voting, if it is deemed by one or more male relatives that being forced to choose between competing candidates could cause undue emotional stress – especially if they were contemplating errantly voting for the Democrat in the race.

“This law would in no way limit a woman’s right to vote,” clarified Mississippi state representative Beauregard Wymenheytor. “It simply gives her the option to sit out any election for which the pressure of having to make up her mind might be too taxing for her frail emotional makeup – as indicated by thoughts of recklessly considering voting blue.”

In Tennessee, the state legislature has introduced a bill to require women to cover their arms and legs at all times, to protect their delicate soft skin from the cruel threat of skin cancer. Seen here, an artist’s rendering of recommended empowering attire. Très chic.

In Tennessee, the state legislature has introduced a bill to require women to cover their arms and legs at all times, to protect their delicate soft skin from the cruel threat of skin cancer. Seen here, an artist’s rendering of recommended empowering attire. Très chic.

South Carolina: Several Palmetto State residents have expressed deep concerns about terrorist threats posed by the potential of thousands of Afghan refugees invading their shores in the aftermath of the Taliban takeover. As a result, Republican Representative Colt McBigotte has introduced a bill allowing women to open carry handguns without a license or any firearms safety training.

When asked whether he was concerned that this might encourage a Wild West culture in which it becomes too easy for people to access dangerous weapons, Rep. McBigotte countered, “Not a problem. Under this bill, women will need permission from their husbands in order to have access to bullets. God knows what a pissed off lady with a loaded gun could do. Can you imagine?”

Florida: It is widely known that President Biden’s COVID response has been an utter failure, due primarily to all those vaccines he has peddled, which endanger people’s freedom.

Thankfully, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has valiantly halted the pandemic in its tracks (with the small exception of record levels of hospitalizations and deaths) with his resolute policy of fighting for the rights of patriotic anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers to endanger their own children and other schoolkids.

Thanks to DeSantis’ courageous leadership, Florida’s statehouse has introduced a statute that will require women to stay at home, to avoid getting exposed to COVID. They will be granted weekly passes to any grocery store, so they’ll be able to continue to make meals for their family, as women love to do. They will also be permitted to go to restaurants in the company of a male companion (for their protection, of course) – with the exception of any restaurant that imposes a mask requirement, as those restaurants clearly hate America.

Louisiana: For too many years, women have complained that they routinely are paid 20% to 50% less for the same job as their male counterparts. To rectify this problem, lawmakers will no longer force (or allow) women and men to do the same jobs – to avoid any complaints about unequal pay.

Men will continue to be allowed to do jobs like CEOs, doctors, congressmen, and investment bankers. Women, on the other hand, will be allowed to continue doing many of the fulfilling jobs they’ve long performed so skillfully, including barista, flight attendant, dental hygienist, and handmaid.

Look at these diverse photos of the men of the Utah state legislature. Who’d know more about women’s issues and concerns than these guys? That’s why they’ve introduced a bill to allow women to opt out of voting, say, if they’re not in the mood or are feeling bloated.

Look at these diverse photos of the men of the Utah state legislature. Who’d know more about women’s issues and concerns than these guys? That’s why they’ve introduced a bill to allow women to opt out of voting, say, if they’re not in the mood or are feeling bloated.

Alabama: With so many commercials on TV telling women how they can look even sexier, the Alabama state assembly is finally doing something gallant to take the pressure off of women trying to keep up with the latest fashion trends. If this bill passes, women will no longer have to spend hours and hours in front of the mirror deciding what to wear. These decisions will now be made by men.

Pants on women will be outlawed to avoid any gender confusion. Similarly, men will be banned from wearing bikinis or strapless gowns. State representative Butch Misoginick further mansplained. “Ladies waste valuable time every day trying to decide what to wear – time that could be better spent making their man a hearty meal or folding laundry. Now they don’t have to worry their pretty little heads about what to wear. Problem solved.”

Critics of the bill likened it to the Taliban requiring women to be covered in a burqa, but Misoginick was quick to debunk that claim. “Here in Alabama, we oppose masks of any kind. Always have. Always will – with the lone exception of our KKK brethren, that is.”

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021

Trump Announces His Official Precedential Liebrary

Trump Announces His Official Precedential Liebrary

A sneak preview of one possible design for the Trump Liebrary, Resort and Casino, expected to be the first presidential library ever to include only one book, the Bible. It will also feature the largest collection of porn videos of any presidential library.

A sneak preview of one possible design for the Trump Liebrary, Resort and Casino, expected to be the first presidential library ever to include only one book, the Bible. It will also feature the largest collection of porn videos of any presidential library.

Mar-a-Lago, FL – President Trump today revealed his long-awaited plans for his presidential library. It will officially be known as the Donald J. Trump Precedential Liebrary, Resort, Casino and Adult Video Store.

In a press briefing, Mr. Trump announced, “This will be the biggest, greatest, most beautiful precedential liebrary in history – way better than Obama’s or even Washington’s.” [Editor’s note: President Washington never had a presidential library. The first one was for Franklin D. Roosevelt, dedicated in 1941. Also, we know, “Presidential” is misspelled, but Trump’s aides were afraid to point this out to him.]

The exact location has not yet been announced, but sources wishing not to be named indicate it may be adjacent to a Las Vegas Hooters or an adult video store in Queens.

Preliminary drawings feature a grand entrance surrounded by flashing lights a la Las Vegas’ Flamingo Casino, with the letters TRUMP in 14-foot tall brass lettering. Upon entering the tasteful, gold-plated palace, visitors will be greeted by a 30-foot bronze sculpture of the president (perfectly matching his natural bronze skin tone). An enormous mouth will blast  recordings of Trump’s most inspirational rage speeches, including top hits “How the election was rigged” and “There was no collusion.” From there, guests descend to the main reception area, riding a 14-carat gold escalator – an exact replica of the one Trump rode down to announce his 2016 run. There, sojourners will be swept away by bikini-clad models (all guaranteed to be at least 9’s), wearing a MAGA hats and wet t-shirts.

In a conscious decision to veer away from the traditional boring presidential library, Trump’s edifice will spotlight just two memorable publications: Trump’s own Art of The Deal (Kindle version) – the biggest selling book in history – and the never-before opened copy of the Holy Bible which Trump held up in Lafayette Square, displayed upside down to ward off Black Lives Matter protestors.

First time visitors will definitely want to check out the Alternate Facts Reading Room. From over 5,000 riveting articles readers will learn the real truth. Included are inspirational rants by Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones about Trump’s 2020 landslide election victory – even in California. Folks will be briefed on how windmills cause cancer and Trump’s heroic efforts to make COVID magically disappear before Easter – which he would have achieved if not for Nancy Pelosi blocking his efforts to Make America Safe Again. A highlight is the authentic photos of the 2016 inauguration with the biggest crowds in history.

Above: A rough schematic of the Trump Presidential Liebrary floor plan. The exact location of the Stormy Daniels / Playboy Model Display is yet to be finalized.

Above: A rough schematic of the Trump Presidential Liebrary floor plan. The exact location of the Stormy Daniels / Playboy Model Display is yet to be finalized.

The centerpiece of the liebrary will be the Hall of Historic Tweets. Here, more than 30,000 of the President’s most compelling Twitter posts will be projected as a blinding mural of images on every surface of the giant hall, floor to ceiling, to mesmerize  patriotic museum-goers. Topics will range from “I totally won the first debate against Sleepy Joe” to “Unlike Obama, as president I will not have time to golf” to “I’m the greatest president in history – okay, maybe tied with Lincoln” and many more. It is estimated that the average patron could while away two years reading all the tweets on display.

In the highly anticipated Trump Ballroom of Bankruptcy, listen to a heartwarming documentary by Fox’s Lou Dobbs, elucidating why none of the six bankruptcies or twelve failed businesses, from Trump Airlines to Trump Wines to Trump University, were Trump’s fault.

Over at the Omni Donald Dome, guests will revel in a larger than life montage of Trump’s most momentous campaign rallies. A 3-D hologram of Trump dancing to the Village People’s song YMCA is said to be so lifelike it will almost feel like he cares about you.

There’s even something for sports enthusiasts. Trump, widely known as the greatest presidential golfer in history, has plans to devote one room to instructional golf. Robots will demonstrate Trump’s time-tested techniques, including Putting with Impunity, and our favorite, Cheating Your Way to Irrefutable Victory.

Another attraction that is likely to be a YUGE hit with Trump supporters is the Sycophancy Amphitheater, sponsored by Fox News. Watch objectively researched videos detailing why Trump is the greatest military strategist and humanitarian ever to occupy the Oval Office – not to mention the handsomest lover (so we won’t). Tributes are effusively proclaimed by respected journalists from Tucker Carlson to Sean Hannity, while the narration by Kayleigh McEnany is so moving you just might not believe what you’re hearing. 

Grab your seat at the Not-So-Hottie Hippodrome, which will star lifelike statues of dozens of women Trump has accused of being ugly, nasty, or mean to him. We’re told the Rosie O’Donnell bust is simply revolting.

One of the most moving exhibits will be the Hall of Flags, with hundreds of American flags proudly waving, all of which have been personally groped by Donald Trump himself.

Avid supporters of the president won’t want to miss Conspiracy Corridor, sponsored by Q-Anon. This exhibit presents the President proving beyond a doubt twenty of his favorite conspiracy theories. Featured interviews will reveal how Hillary Clinton ran a child sex ring underneath a DC pizza parlor, Obama really was born in Kenya, and Mexico will definitely pay for the wall.

In the Omni Donnie Dome IMAX Theater, museum goers will catch a glimpse of prototypes for Trump’s likeness to be added to Mount Rushmore. Everyone agrees, it will be very tasteful.

In the Omni Donnie Dome IMAX Theater, museum goers will catch a glimpse of prototypes for Trump’s likeness to be added to Mount Rushmore. Everyone agrees, it will be very tasteful.

Liebrary planners didn’t forget about the kids. Youngsters will have a ball sliding down the MEGA-MAGA White-Water Wash – a 300-foot-long slide shaped to resemble one of Trump’s signature endless red ties. Teenagers can hang out in the Apprentice Arena, where they get to decide which of the randomly selected low-wage workers from all over America to fire. All termination decisions will be backed by the presidential seal of authority.

A spokesperson estimates the cost of admission to be a mere $500 (or $5,000 for the Swinger’s Suite VIP pass). Visitors will receive a MAGA hat and a gold-framed 8 x 12 print displaying a realistic likeness of Trump with six-pack abs, dressed as Superman, and shaking hands with Jesus.

All proceeds will go to charity, specifically the Trump Legal Defense Fund, to help the soon-to-be former president fend off the multiple fake news criminal and civil lawsuits he might face in the years ahead.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.

States Propose Bold Measures to Prevent Voter Fraud

States Propose Bold Measures to Prevent Voter Fraud

[Author’s note: The following is political satire. Anyone who can’t figure this out should legally not be allowed to vote. – TEJ]

According to 43 state legislatures, the problem with our election system isn’t voter suppression. It’s massive voter fraud. Read what states are proposing to solve the problem of Democrat victories once and for all.

According to 43 state legislatures, the problem with our election system isn’t voter suppression. It’s massive voter fraud. Read what states are proposing to solve the problem of Democrat victories once and for all.

Thanks to the patriotic efforts of former and future President Donald Trump, it is now widely accepted that the only reason he lost the 2020 election was due to massive voter fraud perpetrated by his opponent. This was conclusively proven by election security experts including Rudy Giuliani, the My Pillow Guy, and several nearly grammatical tweets by MAGAMark1776@StopTheSteal, who said he is sure the election was stolen because QAnon told him so.

The Trump campaign and Republican Party officials would have won every one of the 63 election lawsuits they lost in every state and federal court if not for the fact that all the judges – including  Trump’s three Supreme Court picks – were in on the steal, along with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Hillary, Obama, Bill Gates, and Meryl Streep, not to mention 81 million people who illegally voted for the other guy.

In the aftermath of the sweeping election fraud in the 2020 election, state legislators in 43 states have introduced over 250 pieces of voter security legislation designed to prevent Trump from losing next time. If enacted, these measures, aimed at preventing lawless radicals from overturning our democracy, will ensure that only people who are verifiably identified to be American citizens who have lawfully registered to vote should be entitled to cast a vote, thus guaranteeing that the RIGHT candidate will always win.

Freedom-hating naysayers continue to push the outrageous lie that these thoughtful bills submitted by Republicans are  in some way “voter suppression” attempts in the guise of voter security. But that’s simply not so. Without these critically needed voter security protections, the bills’ sponsors argue there will be no way for the candidate with fewer votes ever to stand a chance at winning any future elections.

“Without these long overdue safeguards to protect our election security, our nation runs the risk of letting radical leftist  pedophile candidates win all future presidential elections for no other reason than that they offer more qualified candidates with more popular ideas. It’s just not fair,” said Ron Johnson, Republican Senator of Wisconsin.

Here is a review of some of the landmark democracy-preserving statutes currently being debated in state legislatures throughout the nation. 

North Carolina: “No excuse” absentee voting would be eliminated, except for members of the armed forces serving overseas. Moving forward, in order to vote by mail, all others will be required to receive a physician’s note – witnessed by two notary publics who are fluent in Dutch – attesting to the fact that the person cannot physically vote in person because they are dying of cancer and have less than 10 days to live. 

In the Georgia state legislature, a bill is being introduced in which anyone who has ever LIKED a post by Stacey Abrams on social media will henceforth be deemed a member of Antifa and ineligible to vote.

In the Georgia state legislature, a bill is being introduced in which anyone who has ever LIKED a post by Stacey Abrams on social media will henceforth be deemed a member of Antifa and ineligible to vote.

Kentucky: Due to a chronic problem of people depositing ballots in drop box locations rather than standing in line like normal patriots, henceforth, all voting drop box locations will be eliminated, except for in zip codes where the average household income is over $250,000, in which case, drop-boxes will be provided at the end of their driveways. 

Arkansas: For years, black churches, in conjunction with civil rights organizations, have worked to increase minority voter turnout by assisting parishioners to register or vote immediately after Sunday church services. If enacted, this bill would ban the so-called “Souls to the Polls” initiatives and replace them with a new policy, “Souls to Paroles,” in which minority church goers would be required to check in at the nearest parole board for a background check regarding any possible parole violations before being allowed to vote. 

Louisiana: Concerned by an inexplicable surge in voting by young people in the 2020 election, the state legislature is advancing a draft which would make people under the age of 25 ineligible to vote – unless they can present proof that they find Bernie Sanders annoying. 

Wyoming: In a bold measure aimed at eliminating all voter fraud, the state legislature recently introduced a proposal to make it a misdemeanor, punishable by a $10,000 fine and up to two years in jail, for knowingly voting for – or influencing another person to vote for – any candidate who does not own at least three guns or who disagrees with the statement “Climate change is a hoax.” 

Missouri: In an attempt to purge the state’s voter registration database of voters who may have died, moved away, or once voted to fund Planned Parenthood, the Secretary of State will initiate a massive purge of voter rolls. It is expected that this effort alone will eliminate over 400,000 bogus voters, including several hundred deceased names, over 1,000 people no longer living in the state, and 398,000 registered Democrats. 

Oklahoma: In a cost control resolution aimed at reducing the cost of election security, the legislature is considering a move to reduce the number of voting locations from 1,500 to four. To avoid having to stand in long lines, people will be encouraged to vote by mail, so long as they sign an affidavit pledging that they think Melania was a better First Lady than Michelle Obama.

In Tennessee, all Republican voters will be invited to use any of the 4,800 available drop box locations statewide. Democrat voters will be instructed to use any of the four convenient drop boxes located in Pidgeon Forge, TN, between the hours of 9pm and 11pm, on Tuesdays.

In Tennessee, all Republican voters will be invited to use any of the 4,800 available drop box locations statewide. Democrat voters will be instructed to use any of the four convenient drop boxes located in Pidgeon Forge, TN, between the hours of 9pm and 11pm, on Tuesdays.

Texas: To prevent loitering, the Texas state legislature is reviewing a measure to fine anyone found at a polling station just “hanging out” with no clear purpose other than to vote, who refuses to disperse within 60 minutes. Anyone caught in the act of providing these loiterers with a chair for their comfort or water or other beverage will be fined and lose their right to vote unless they can provide a valid Republican party registration ID. 

Alabama: Early voting has for years allowed people with nefarious motives to vote up to 21 days prior to the election. With this bill, early voting will be banned, as a way to prevent systemic voter fraud. Only votes submitted on election day will be counted. The sponsored legislation goes on to explain that in an effort to avoid long lines at the polls, Republican voters will be required to vote on election day. All others will be instructed to vote the day after the election by depositing their votes in the nearest designated official recycling bin. 

Mississippi: Under the state’s historic initiative, anyone who is black or gay will henceforth be ineligible to vote. No further explanation was provided nor considered necessary.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.

Trump’s Final Days – As Reported by Different Media

Trump’s Final Days – As Reported by Different Media

[The following is political satire and not necessarily the news.]

OANN is the first major conservative news media outlet to report on President Trump’s flawless speech at his Jan 6th DC STOP THE STEAL rally where he urged his fervent supporters to break into the Capitol and force VP Pence to certify the election for him – but do it in a polite, orderly, non-violent, totally legal fashion.

OANN is the first major conservative news media outlet to report on President Trump’s flawless speech at his Jan 6th DC STOP THE STEAL rally where he urged his fervent supporters to break into the Capitol and force VP Pence to certify the election for him – but do it in a polite, orderly, non-violent, totally legal fashion.

In looking back over Donald Trump’s tumultuous final 2 & 1/2 months in office, the storm of chaotic tweets, rallies and related events only intensified, as the countdown clock ticked down the final days and hours of his historically scandal-plagued presidency.

But you might not know that, based on how some of the rightwing news media outlets covered these same events.

Here are some of the more notable “breaking news” events of the final weeks of the Trump Administration, as captured by headlines from the mainstream media – and by some on the far right.

November 3, 2020 – Election night in America

The New York Times: Trump Leads in Early Tallies; Biden Closing Gap as Mail-in Ballots are Counted.

The Washington Post: Too Close to Call. Trump’s Election Night Lead Dwindling

Fox News: Trump Wins in Historic Landslide. Biden on Suicide Watch After Humiliating Defeat 

Breitbart: If You Don’t Count Blue States, Trump Delivers Biden Crushing Defeat 

November 7, 2020 – the day the presidential election is officially called for Biden 

Politico: JOE BIDEN DECLARED 46th PRESIDENT OF USA

CNN: BIDEN WINS, 306 to 272 Electoral Votes; Wins 7 Million More Votes Than Trump

Newsmax: Massive Election Fraud Temporarily Delays Nationwide Celebrations for Trump’s Comeback Re-election Landslide Win 

Info Wars: Joe Biden Continues to Deny He Held Under-Age Girls as Sex Slaves in his Wilmington Duplex 

December 12, 2020 – the day Trump’s STOP THE STEAL rally in DC erupted in chaos and injuries 

Fox News Trump, having successfully completed his historic 4-year plan to Make America Great Again, will take time off from his presidential duties for some down time. But he promises to get right back to work as your president after a brief 4-year golfing sabbatical.

Fox News Trump, having successfully completed his historic 4-year plan to Make America Great Again, will take time off from his presidential duties for some down time. But he promises to get right back to work as your president after a brief 4-year golfing sabbatical.

NPR: 4 Stabbed, 33 Arrested After Trump Supporters, Counter-Protesters Clash In D.C. 

ABC News: Violent clashes between pro-Trump protesters and Black Lives Matter supporters as Trump Rally Goes Off the Rails

One America News Network (OANN): Antifa Black Lives Matter Protestors Mar Peaceful Trump Rally by Jumping in Front of Trump Supporters’ Knives, Assault Rifles, and Mace 

Rush Limbaugh: God Told Me in a Dream That Anyone Who Opposes Trump Will Burn Forever in Hell 

January 2, 2021 – the day Trump called the Georgia Secretary of State to pressure him to find him 11,780 votes 

The Wall Street Journal: Trump, in Recorded Call, Pressures Georgia Sec. of State to ‘Find’ Him Votes

The Atlanta Journal Constitution: Trump, in Taped Call, Pressured Georgia Official to Find Votes to Overturn Election

The Drudge Report: Georgia Sec. of State Offers Trump 11,780 Votes. Offended, Trump Politely Declines

Fox News: Tennessee Woman Fosters 100 Cats; Neighbors Consider Her a Saint 

January 6, 2021 – the day Congress convened to certify the election results, which was marred when fanatical Trump supporters stormed the Capitol building 

CNN: Incited by the President, Pro-Trump Rioters Violently Storm the Capitol

Reuters: Trump Supporters Storm the Capitol to Attack Democracy

Newsmax: Breaking News: Eating Apple Pie Can Help You Lose Weight 

Hannity Radio: Alaska Jogger Smashes Ice to Rescue Dog, Then Continues His Run 

January 8, 2021 – the day Twitter permanently banned Trump from its social media platform 

The New York Times: Twitter Permanently Bans Trump, Capping Online Revolt

USA Today: Twitter Bans Trump’s Account, Citing Risk of Further Violence

OANN: Trump Quits Twitter to Protest Media Bias. “I’ll never be back,” He Defiantly Proclaims!

The Daily Caller: Trump Bails on Twitter to Launch a Competitor. Twitter Loses 90% of Its Users in 4 Hours.

January 13, 2021 – the day the House of Representatives impeached Trump for a second time

Newsmax’ Top Story for January 20, 2021: Mrs. Gladys McCloskey of Brattleboro, VT is the grand prize winner in the Wyndham County Quilting Fair. She wins for the third time in five years. Way to go, Gladys.

Newsmax’ Top Story for January 20, 2021: Mrs. Gladys McCloskey of Brattleboro, VT is the grand prize winner in the Wyndham County Quilting Fair. She wins for the third time in five years. Way to go, Gladys.

The Los Angeles Times: House, With Some G.O.P. Support, Votes to Impeach Trump a Historic Second Time

The Huffington Post: President Trump Becomes First President Ever to be Impeached Twice 

Fox News: Breaking News: Hillary Clinton’s Emails Finally Prove She’s the Anti-Christ 

Epoch Times: New Poll Shows 79 Million Americans Want to Ban Congress Permanently 

January 20, 2021 – the day Joe Biden was inaugurated as our 46th President 

US News & World Report: Joe Biden Becomes 46th President Amidst Grave Threats of Further Violence

The Atlantic: IT’S OFFICIAL. BIDEN IS 46th PRESIDENT!

Newsmax: Trump Announces Plans for a Four-Year Hiatus to Rest Up for Historic Second Term

The Glenn Beck Program: Trump Shocks World by Voluntarily Leaving White House, Calling it a Dump; Plans to Move to a Much Classier Residence (just as soon as he can find a country without an extradition treaty with the USA)

It appears I have been missing out on several important news stories that the mainstream media simply refuses to report.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.

Trump’s Termination Interview

Trump’s Termination Interview

[Author’s note:] Since 2015, I have written over 25 articles about Donald Trump alone. Click here, then under Index of Topics, find Trump to peruse these posts. It is my deepest hope to no longer feel compelled to compose about this man. He has taken up far too much real estate in my brain for the past four years. – TEJ] 

Now that President Trump has lost the election, View from the Bleachers has gained exclusive access to the official transcript of his termination interview with his boss, the American People.

The American People: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Please take a seat. We feel badly about this, but, well, our country has decided to let you go. Your final day of employment will be January 20th.

Donald Trump: Why are we even having this meeting? I clearly won the election. Everybody knows that.

People: We’ve been through this many times. As we have repeatedly told you, you did not win. Mr. Biden did.

Trump: FAKE NEWS! Everybody knows the election was rigged. If you don’t count all the people who illegally voted by mail, I won in a landslide – the biggest in history.

People: Sir, you’re getting worked up again. Would you like a bucket of KFQ to calm your nerves? Maybe a kitten?

Trump: They stole the election from me! It’s so unfair. With help from that thug Hugo Chavez and his Venezuelan voting machines, and Cuba and China and Spain and – 

People: Spain? That’s a new one. FYI, Mr. Chavez died in 2013. Besides, all the states have certified that the voting was fair. In fact, even the Department of Homeland Security says it was the most secure election in our nation’s history.

Trump: Well, the folks at Homeland Security were in on it, too. They allowed anybody to vote, even Democrats and blacks. So unfair. It’s all a hoax. Just ask all my Q-Anon followers on Twitter.

People: Donald, you cannot keep cycling through this ad nauseum – and it IS nauseating. We see that you’ve already posted seven rage tweets since this interview began. You really need to find a healthier outlet. Have you considered adult coloring books? They can be very relaxing.

Trump: Adult? Sure, I’ll grab a few. And some of these Sharpies, and my Oval Office stapler, too.

People: Donald, stop stuffing your pockets! Technically, these items belong to us. Put them back.

Trump: All of this belongs to me, including this building. I won it fair and square in 2016 – without any help from Vlad.

People: Still fixated on 2016, are we? Perhaps we were not clear enough at the outset of this meeting. We are letting you go. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you – AND WE – can move on.

Trump: You can’t fire me. I’m the only person who gets to say, “YOU’RE FIRED!”

People: As to that, we have reviewed your job performance extensively. The data doesn’t justify keeping you on any longer. You’re simply not up to the job.  The nation’s unemployment numbers are surging, the deficit is skyrocketing, all our allies are furious with you, and the COVID pandemic is spiraling out of control.

Trump: You mean the China Flu. Blame China. Totally not my fault.

People: Plus, we’ve received numerous anonymous complaints from your employees. They describe you as utterly incompetent. And that’s the most positive comment we’ve read.

Trump: Total radical leftist propaganda. Everybody who works here loves me – even the ugly ones. They all tell me I’m the greatest, handsomest, most stable genius president in history.

People: Well, the feedback from your subordinates says otherwise. They say you’re racist, foul-tempered, misogynist, corrupt, narcissistic, lazy, unwilling to read, and impulsive. They go on to say you’re divisive, mean-spirited, vindictive with  no attention span – Donald, are you even listening? Stop playing with your Trump superhero action figure and focus.

Trump: Those people, they’re are all losers – just like soldiers. I should have fired all of them the moment I hired them.

People: Mr. President, it’s clear you simply haven’t taken this job seriously. Most days you simply stay in your bedroom watching TV until well past noon. Our records indicate you have averaged over 30 lies per day. No other president has ever lied as incessantly as you. Furthermore, you spent over 300 days just golfing. Far over par. No other modern president comes close.

Trump: So, you’re saying I’m a high achiever. Finally, we agree on something. Most of those golf outings were charity tournaments.

People: We fact-checked that. Those “charity tournaments” you played in were to raise money for Trump University.

Trump: A great institution. Way better than Harvard. The Ivy League schools are all overrated.

People: Donald, we’re getting off track. Are there any Presidential decisions you made for which you wish you could have, to use a golf metaphor, a Mulligan? A do-over?

Trump: Like you said – my decisions were all presidential. A perfect presidency. Oh, wait. Picking Pence for my VEEP was ill-advised. Stupid advisors. I should’ve gone with Kristi.

People: Kristi Noem, the Governor of South Dakota? Why?

Trump: First, she adores me. Second, have you seen her? She’s a 10. Smokin’ hot bod. I bet I could have gotten her into the sack.

People: Eew. Any other regrets? How about how you separated Mexican children from their parents and put them in cages? Don’t you have even the slightest pang of guilt around that debacle?

Trump: Not my fault. If Nancy Pelosi and her gang of Congressional Communists had just let me build my wall in the first place, none of this would have happened. So, it’s totally Nancy’s fault – and Hillary’s. They are two NASTY women.

People: How about your handling of the Coronavirus pandemic? Over a quarter million people have died, even though you kept saying it would magically go away and that we were always turning the corner. 

Trump: Hey – I got through it fine. It was no biggie. If a quarter million morons can’t handle the common flu, that’s on them.  But Sleepy Joe totally dropped the ball. He did nothing these past 11 months to stop the spread.

People: He wasn’t the president, Donald.  You were! This is one of the many reasons why we decided to let you go.

Trump: Says who? I’ll decide when I go. Besides, I packed the Supreme Court with my justices. They owe me. So, I’m pretty sure I’m here to stay. “12 MORE YEARS. 12 MORE YEARS!”

People:  No. Like we said, your termination is effective January 20, 2021. On that date, you must evacuate the premises. President-Elect Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th president. This is not up to you.

Trump preparing to board Marine One for the final time, after getting fired by the American People. The reasons given for his abrupt termination were many, but boiled down to this: “We (the American people) think you’d be happier selling condos, Donald.”

Trump preparing to board Marine One for the final time, after getting fired by the American People. The reasons given for his abrupt termination were many, but boiled down to this: “We (the American people) think you’d be happier selling condos, Donald.”

Trump: Fine. I’ll go. I’ll just put Jared and Ivanka in charge. They’ll do whatever I tell them to.

People: Donald, we don’t think you understand. We are evicting you – and your entire team, including Jared and Ivanka. You can move back to Mar-a-Lago. But you can’t stay here.

Trump: Well, in that case, I’m taking a few things with me. Because I was told that I get to keep them.

People: Uh, no, you cannot take that bust of Lincoln. Or the Resolute Desk. They belong to the people of the United States.

Trump: I carved my initials in the desk, so legally it’s mine now. And that lamp. And this toaster… and this set of steak knives…. and…

People: Oh, dear….. Security? Send a Secret Service detail to the Oval Office stat. We appear to have a bit of a problem.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020. Edited by Betsy Jones.