[Author’s note: This post was conceived by and co-written with my dear old pal Steve Fisher, who has been regularly making me laugh since we were 12 years old. Steve left the U.S. in 1991 and since then has been living happily in Prague, Czech Republic. Now retired, Steve mostly spends his time reading The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Guardian and The New Yorker, and watching Rachel Maddow, Morning Joe, Meet the Press and Face the Nation. His most frequent thought these days is “Holy shit!”]
Over the first two years of Donald Trump’s presidency, he has made countless incredible statements and many bold claims about how great he is, how horrible his detractors are, and all the historic achievements he has made, which, according to him, no other president has accomplished.
According to the Washington Post’s Fact Checker database, in his first two years of office, Trump has made over 6,400 false or misleading claims.
Every day he makes another outrageous pronouncement. It has gotten to the point where it can be extremely hard to know if even he believes the things that he says. So, as a public service, View from the Bleachers has created a Trump Translation Guide to help people understand what our president is REALLY trying to say.
Below is a small sampling of some of President Trump’s recent statements and our best guestimate of what he actually means. We apologize for any correct spellings which may appear to contradict the President’s preferred misspelling.
||“Fact-based objective reporting”
|“Failing New York Times”
||“Winner of 125 Pulitzer Prizes”
|“People are saying”
||“I’m the only one saying this”
|“Lots of people are saying”
||“Virtually everyone is saying the complete opposite”
|“Dirty lying leaker”
||“Unfortunately, not a hoax”
||“Federal law enforcement effort to reveal gravest political corruption and threat to national security in U.S. history”
|“I didn’t know anything about him doing that.”
||“I specifically told him to do that.”
|“He only worked for me for a very short time.”
||“He has a lot of damaging information about me.”
|“He’s been treated terribly by the FBI. He’s very brave, and I have tremendous respect for him.”
||“I hope he won’t flip on me.”
|“I’ve never heard such an insulting question.”
||“Yes, I did do that.”
|“I have no business dealings with Russia.”
||“Russian oligarchs have done money laundering through my properties since the 1980s.”
|“No President has ever been tougher on Russia than I have.”
||“I made Putin say ‘please’ before I agreed to pull all our troops out of Syria.”
|“My father gave me a loan of a million dollars.”
||“My father gave me hundreds of millions of dollars in an illegal tax-evasion scheme.”
|“I know how to build things. I mean, hey, that’s what I do.”
||“I know how to create fraudulent businesses, strip their assets and then declare bankruptcy. I mean, hey, that’s what I do.”
|“I know more than the generals do.”
||“…if the question is, how do you accidentally start a nuclear war.”
|“I have hand-picked an outstanding team [Mattis, Tillerson, McMaster, Sessions, Omarosa…].”
||“On second thought, they’re all losers.”
|“I will drain the swamp.”
||“I will fill the swamp even deeper.”
|“The best people”
||“Unqualified, incapable and corrupt people”
|“A good boy”
||“My inept and unscrupulous son”
|“Murderers, rapists, drug dealers and other really bad hombres”
||“Terrified refugees, mostly families, fleeing from violence, poverty and hunger”
|“Mexico will pay for it.”
||“American taxpayers will pay for it.”
|“North Korea is no longer a nuclear threat.”
||“North Korea is continuing to build up its nuclear arsenal unimpeded.”
|“I am the most presidential person ever to sit in the Oval Office.”
||“I will go on a Tweet storm at 6am from the toilet anytime someone says anything mean about me.”
|“As for the Prince, maybe he did it, maybe he didn’t. Nobody knows. He says he didn’t.”
||“He did it.”
|“It was a very productive meeting.”
||“I talked non-stop for 45 minutes without anyone daring to interrupt me and then got up and left.”
|“I’m, like, an incredibly smart person.”
||“I have no idea what I’m doing.”
|“I’m a technology expert.”
||“I know how to use the button on my desk to order a Coke.”
|“Only I can solve it.”
||“I’ll have Jared take care of it.”
|“I am the greatest president in history – okay maybe second after Lincoln.”
||“Lincoln is the only other president whose name I can remember.”
|“I am the least racist person you’ll ever meet.”
||“So long as you’re white, that is.”
|“We have defeated ISIS.”
||“…if you don’t count the few thousand remaining members of ISIS who are still killing our troops.”
|“I will proudly own the government shutdown. I won’t blame the Democrats.”
||“It’s totally the Democrats’ fault.”
|“We’ve got the strongest economy in history right now.”
||“Only an idiot would believe me.”
|That’s the View from the Bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
||© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announces he’ll erect a southern border wall to protect Canada from all the invading caravans of desperate Americans fleeing the US in search a sane safe haven — and better quality beer.
Ottawa – Today, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau delivered a landmark speech to the combined chambers of the Canadian Parliament. He announced his plans to erect a 50-foot-tall wall along the entire length of the USA-Canadian border to keep them safe from the hordes of Americans fleeing the USA. Countless numbers are seeking asylum in Canada, widely considered the last remaining enclave of sanity north of Mexico.
Canadians were initially enraged when the Prime Minister’s address cut into an intermission of the Maple Leafs – Oilers game. Mr. Trudeau began his ten-minute speech in the traditional Canadian manner, by apologizing for interrupting TV coverage of the Zamboni re-surfacing the ice rink.
In his remaining 90 seconds, he was resolute. “In recent months, with all the erratic behavior coming out of the White House in Washington, DC, it has caused tremors throughout our great nation. Our fine people are increasingly fearful that Donald Trump may destroy the world economy, start a nuclear war, or worse yet, attempt to visit Canada.
Canada’s charismatic leader pointed to indisputable evidence of massive caravans trying to breach their perimeter. “They’re filled with lots of scary, dangerous people heading straight for our defenseless southern border. Some really bad people, ya’ know? So, I have no choice but to place the safety and security of our people first.” According to fact checkers, he apologized twenty-three times during his ten-minute presentation.
Trudeau pointed to the latest news stories reporting thousands of Americans in Honda SUVs and Subaru Cross-overs closing in on the Great White North, with several invaders known to be aggressive hand-shakers.
Continue reading “BREAKING NEWS: Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall” »
Here’s your daily briefing from Trump News Network (formerly known as Fox News).
Stunning Midterm Election Victory
The midterms are over, and President Trump is basking in the glow of a historic Republican triumph. The Democrats were trounced in almost every congressional election (if you don’t count the lone exception of the House of Representatives). “We would have won every single House and Senate contest if it weren’t for massive voter fraud perpetrated by Democrats everywhere,” said the President. “In fact, the Democrats blatantly attempted to steal some races by forcing the polling stations to count all the votes. This is an outrage,” he added.
Trump Ranked Most Popular President Among Women
It’s official. In a poll of blue-collar women with a 4th grade education who think Jews are the problem, 65% said Trump was the best president for women ever. “What can I say,” said a clearly pleased Trump. “Women love me. And I love the ladies – so long as they’re at least an 8, of course.”
In a related poll, taken by the TNN (Trump News Network), more blacks admire President Trump than any other president since Barack Obama. When asked why he is so loved by people of color, Mr. Trump humbly reflected, “I’m the least racist person you’ll ever meet. Negroes love me. Just ask Kanye.”
The Fight to Keep our Southern Borders Safe
Pentagon officials have confirmed the president’s marching orders to send 500,000 troops to the Mexican border over the next two weeks, admitting that it will mean diverting all remaining troops from the Middle East and South Korea. “You have to send our fighting men where the threat’s the greatest,” said history’s greatest military genius.
TNN has confirmed that the maniacal horde is already less than 1,200 miles from an imminent invasion. Based on rough estimates the President made while playing Candy Crush, if the Honduran terrorist caravan averages 100 miles a day on foot, they’ll reach our borders by Thanksgiving. By then, the US military should have the nuclear warheads in position. “Who knows what kinds of deadly weapons those 13-year-old girls might have stuffed in their Hello Kitty back packs? And a rock could poke someone’s eye out!” the president warned.
According to administration sources, spy planes have identified some of the vilest criminals among their ranks, including George Soros, the 2018 Super Bowl-winning Philadelphia Eagles who snubbed the president’s invitation to the White House, and Rosie O’Donnell. “They must be stopped, especially Rosie,” Trump tweeted.
Thanks to President Trump’s courageous concern for the safety of our nation’s fearful white citizens, our southern borders are at long last secure. “Next up will be a wall to protect our Eastern border,” said the Commander-in-Chief. Continue reading “Top Stories, As Reported by Trump News Network” »
[Note: Tim Jones is on vacation (pause for applause and sighs of relief). Standing in is his cat Buddy, who would like to share an important political announcement. – Staff at VFTB]
Greetings, my fellow Americans. I am Buddy. Just Buddy. No last name, as far as I know. That’s me to the right. In case you think I look familiar, it might be because I bear a striking resemblance to another kitty, my uncle Blackie, who, you may recall, composed a very important message in this blog a few years ago. (What can I say, my human, Tim Jones, really sucks at naming cats.)
Ever since Donald Trump was elected president, my human has been pacing around his man cave, going on rants, like “How could such an inept buffoon be President?” and “The man is totally unfit for the office!” Now that I look at Trump, he does look terribly out of shape. He really should stop wearing those tight tennis shorts, if you ask me. He apparently has aspirations to become a bird, as he tweets all the time. I have no idea what he’s writing – but then, neither does he. I guess we are both illiterate.
Watching Tim scream at the TV each night as he watches Rachel Maddow or Lawrence O’Donnell describe the latest Trump abomination, it’s become as plain as the whiskers on my face that I could do a better job running this country. So, that is why today, I am announcing my plans to run for president. I realize some may view me as unfit as Trump, so I have hired a personal trainer to help me shed the kitty fat and get in shape.
You may be asking yourself, “Why should I vote for a cat?” After all, there’s never been a cat that sat in the Oval Office – unless you count President Clinton’s cat Socks. But I’m fairly sure Socks had limited veto power. So, why me? Where do I begin?
First, the only skeleton you’ll find in my closet is from a mouse I killed and left as a gift for my human. (He still hasn’t thanked me, by the way.) Full disclosure: Like Trump, I too have an embarrassing episode involving peeing on a bed. In my defense, I was only a kitten and not fully litter-trained.
Unlike Trump, I have never said an unkind word about Mexicans and never will – unless they take my spot on the couch. Then they’re dead to me. I will never give any foreign leader a reason to get angry with me or brush me off – unless they’re easily upset by cat fur on their Armani jacket. My breed tends to shed a lot. Continue reading “My Cat Buddy Announces His Bid for the Presidency in 2020” »
[Note by Tim Jones: This week’s column was written by Lawrence Douglas and Alexander George.]
You can just imagine the tweets, denials and equivocating that would follow a murder committed by Trump on Fifth Avenue, can’t you?
The New York Times:
Breaking news: in an eerie echo of Donald Trump’s infamous campaign trail remark – “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters” – many witnesses report, and CCTV footage obtained by the Times confirms, that early this morning the president drew a handgun on his former lawyer Michael Cohen and shot him dead on a street in midtown Manhattan.
House speaker Paul Ryan:
“If these reports are true – I emphasize IF – then yes, I’m very concerned. I don’t think the president should be killing people in broad daylight in front of Tiffany’s. But I’m not a legal expert, I could be wrong.”
White House press secretary Sarah Sanders:
Associated Press: “Ms. Sanders, did the president shoot his former lawyer in an effort to stop him from testifying against the president?”
Sarah Sanders: “No, he did not.”
AP: “Are you saying that the shooting was not motivated by Mr. Cohen’s recent plea deal, or rather that the president did not shoot him?”
SHS: “You’ve got my answer, Jim. No, no, no.”
AP: “Ms. Sanders, I’m still not clear what –”
SHS: “The answer is no. No as in no. N. O. It’s these kinds of questions that have turned the American people against the press.” Continue reading “If Trump shot Michael Cohen in broad daylight, here’s what Republicans would say” »
[Author’s note: Every day seems to bring a new stunning Trump scandal or controversy, so much so that the mainstream media simply can’t keep up. So, as a public service, VFTB has issued this generic news story the media can use at any time, when they don’t have time to cover the latest outrageous thing that comes out of the president’s mouth. – TEJ]
Dateline: Washington, D.C., Any Date 2018
BREAKING NEWS. President Trump stunned the nation this afternoon when he said something shocking and deeply disturbing. According to an anonymous insider, he did not tell anyone in advance that he was going to say it.
He apparently decided to go off script [choose one of the following:] at a meeting with Fortune 500 business executives / before a rally of his supporters / talking with fellow golfers at one of his resorts. He spoke extemporaneously – something that has created problems throughout his presidency.
Members of the mainstream media were aghast by the president’s highly controversial pronouncements. Some political pundits called his remarks “unhinged” and “a new low even for this presidency.”
Asked about the president’s disquieting utterances, House Speaker Ryan declined to give an opinion, saying, “I didn’t see his speech, so, I really can’t comment – unless Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham approved of what he had to say. Then, yes, I stand by my President.”
No one really knows why the president decided to say something so deeply divisive and seemingly ill-conceived. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders initially denied that the president said anything inappropriate. Later, upon being shown the video, she questioned the sound quality. “I really can’t make out what he said due to the loud background music. Is that AC-DC’s Thunderstruck playing? I love that song.”
The president later doubled down, tweeting that he meant what he said and that anyone who disagreed with his observation is part of the fake news’ witch hunt against him. When shown the president’s tweet, Huckabee Sanders backpedaled, replying, “I’m quite certain he was joking. The president is known for his hilarious sense of humor.”
The President subsequently dispatched a memo declaring “I’m not joking.” Huckabee Sanders, asked if she still thought he was just clowning around, shrugged and said, “I feel a migraine coming on. I think I better lie down.”
Continue reading “BREAKING NEWS! President Trump Says Something Shocking AND Offensive” »