Donald Trump’s Latest Five-Day Weather Forecast

Donald Trump’s Latest Five-Day Weather Forecast

“If you look closely at this undoctored map, you’ll see Florida looks a little like a penis. Nobody ever knew that before, believe me.” – Donald Trump

“If you look closely at this undoctored map, you’ll see Florida looks a little like a penis. Nobody ever knew that before, believe me.” – Donald Trump

Welcome back to Fox News. In a moment, we’ll get to our top story – why 97% of Americans think Donald Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln, according to a recent Fox poll of white nationalists.

But first, let’s take a look at the weather with our Meteorologist-in-Chief, President Trump. So, Donald, tell me, are we in for some STORMY weather this week?

You think that’s funny, do you, Shep Smith? You’re fired. Now get that bum outta here.

Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your President with a look at your five-day forecast. For the 137th week since I’ve been your president, the American weather continues to be great – the best weather in our nation’s history – and way better than the weather under eight years of Obama.

Looking at the national weather map, I promise you, we’re in for some tremendous weather throughout many regions of the country. At Bedminster, New Jersey, home of Trump National Golf Club, the weather will be 76 degrees, breezy and sunny all week. Closer to home, here in Washington, DC, locale of the Trump International Hotel, you won’t believe how incredible the weather is going to be. Just phenomenal. And at Mar-A-Lago, I’m calling for another week of mild temperatures in the upper 70’s with no chance of rain or humidity right up to election day in November 2020.

But we do have a few trouble spots to keep an eye on, namely in California, New Jersey, Massachusetts and Baltimore, where it will be Hell on earth. Expect temperatures to reach 115 degrees for daytime highs and plunge to minus 15 overnight. Look for massive tornado warnings in any state that did not vote for me – with the likelihood of hot balls of lava erupting near Seattle and vicious tsunami’s all along the Mexican border.

Now that Hurricane Dorian is over, I’m pleased to report that the devastation I had predicted for Alabama happened just exactly as I had said it would – just a few hundred miles east in Georgia and the Carolinas. I hope every American will join me in saying a silent prayer for the great people of Alabama – especially those who voted for me – in hopes that they will overcome their anxiety in the wake of this devastating storm.

Speaking of hurricanes, everybody’s talking about Hurricane Dorian and why it chose to strike America when it did. Most experts are saying that Hillary Clinton was behind it, in an attempt to damage my amazing golf courses in Florida and along the east coast. But she failed bigly – just like she did in 2016. Sorry, Bahamas.

Most people never knew that hurricanes are named in alphabetical order starting with the letter A. I was promised that after Hurricane Chantal struck, the next one would be named Hurricane Donald. But at the last minute, the Fake National Weather Service changed it behind my back to Dorian. So, I’m ordering the FBI to investigate how this could have happened. Probably the deep state.

Looking further out, the forecast for hurricanes is hard to predict. But one thing’s for sure. If I’m not re-elected in 2020, everybody should expect the nastiest hurricanes in history. Several level 5 storms, a few level 6s and maybe even a couple of level 9s or 10s. I predict some of them will be the wettest weather events in history, from the standpoint of water.

“Here’s a look at the five-day forecast for Boston. They should’ve voted for me; They would have had the best weather. Those Bostonians are nasty people.”

“Here’s a look at the five-day forecast for Boston. They should’ve voted for me; They would have had the best weather. Those Bostonians are nasty people.”

Taking a check at the national forecast, I predict the next major hurricane, which I have ordered the National Weather Service to name Hurricane Melania, will pack winds up to 390 miles an hour, and will most likely make landfall in Los Angeles and head up the coast of California, wiping out San Francisco and Portland, before jumping over the middle part of our nation and touching back down again near Chicago and Detroit, taking them out entirely. But it will leave farmers’ crops just fine. No need to thank me.

You can see my projected path of this storm in this incredibly accurate sharpie drawing of the Zone of Uncertainty, which I had nothing to do with drawing. It was that way when they gave me the map. Trust me.

Oh, and the pollen count will be slightly above normal in Atlanta over the next few days.

That’s it for weather. Now it’s time for Tucker Carlson and sports. Hey, Tucker, speaking of sports, while I was closely monitoring the path of Hurricane Dorian during my two rounds of golf last week, I got a hole in one – on a par five, believe me. But as usual, the Fake News didn’t report it. People tell me I’m a tremendous golfer.

So, Tucker, are you still betting on your New York Jets to make it to the NFL playoffs this year? If you ask me, they’re a bunch of losers. Just like Anderson Cooper. And Rosie.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019

Ten Years of Silliness – A Look Back on a Decade of View from the Bleachers

Ten Years of Silliness – A Look Back on a Decade of View from the Bleachers

Ten years ago this week, I published my very first View from the Bleachers humor blog post. Can you believe it’s been 3,653 days? I know what you’re thinking, and I totally agree: Feels like 3,654.

I don’t usually share my very first blog post (called Hey, This Blogging Thing is a Snap) because, … how do I put it delicately? It was a pretty pathetic first time up to the plate.

Since that humble beginning on September 7, 2009, I have rarely demonstrated anything vaguely approaching humility. I learned that from Trump. It works so well for him. I have written more than 360 humor pieces and published two books. I also learned from our esteemed leader the Art of the Lie. I can proudly proclaim that I have consistently lied to my readers, as well as exaggerated and bent the truth as much as possible, primarily in an effort to make myself look good. In that regard, clearly I have failed miserably.

But more importantly, if you have been keeping up with my blog over the years, you know that I have worked out with Obama, (that actually happened), was short-listed to be the next Pope, have been compared to Jesus (wow, that got some people upset!), ran for President, and discussed my here-to-fore not widely known experience as a general in two Gulf wars. I have repeatedly provided my expertise as a relationship guru and parenting expert, not to mention an economist and a Nobel Prize honoree (for humor writing, not physics).

If you find yourself with time to kill and bowling is just a little too exciting for you, might I suggest checking out my blog site’s TOPICS DIRECTORY? There, you can scroll through a listing of topics from parenting to politics to health & fitness to business and the workplace and much more. There’s even a separate category devoted specifically to our current occupant of the Oval Office. (However, I might suggest avoiding that one if your politics run right of center. I don’t want to raise your blood pressure any higher than it already is.)

In thinking about the past tenth of a century, I thought it might be fun to compile my own personal all-time most beloved posts and share them with my hundreds of thousands of loyal subscribers. I have no doubt there are some you never read before – because you’re a responsible person who has far better things to do with your time.

I had difficulty whittling down my favorites, so I’ve made this a two-part piece. Next week, I will return with Part 2 of my all-time favorite View from the Bleachers columns.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Everyday Life 

Side-By-Side Comparison of the Roomba VS. The Timba – In a recent test of traditional vacuum cleaning methods versus the latest robot vacuum called the Roomba, we compared a variety of features to determine which was superior. The results may surprise you. (Nah, probably not.)

My Personal War with a Backyard Mole – I’m not a violent person, but every man has his limits. In my case, it’s Henry. Henry is the name I’ve given to a mole that is destroying my back yard. And now it’s war.

Home Cooking for Husbands Who Don’t Cook –  I don’t claim to be the world’s greatest culinary expert, but recently, my wife encouraged me to start helping with the meals. I’m starting to get the hang of it. And if I can do it, then I can teach ANY husband how to cook.

My Trip to the Dentist – I used to hate going to the dentist. HATED IT! Until I learned about nitrous oxide and met the woman of my dreams in the dentist’s chair. Read about my change of heart here.

Turn left NOW! No, your OTHER left!! The joys of teaching your teenager to drive – Sooner or later, as a parent, your teenage son or daughter will ask you the question every parent dreads: Will you teach me how to drive? When that day comes, here are some valuable tips to keep your teenager from driving you insane, not to mention driving into oncoming traffic.

Fun and Leisure 

How I Got Crabs – We recently moved to an island where the favorite pastime in summer is to go crabbing. The people here love God, Country, Family and Crabbing – but if they had to pick only one, I’m pretty sure they’d pick crabbing.  Learn what you need to do if you want to get crabs. Perhaps I phrased that last sentence poorly.

A Night at the Opera – When it comes to cultural expansion, I draw the line at opera. That is, I did until recently, when my wife told me we were going to the opera. Read about my cultural immersion into the highbrow world of opera – or as I prefer to think of it, From Here to Eternity.

An American Tourist’s Guide to Vacationing in Italy – As a foremost expert on world travel, in this post I share everything an American needs to know to have a memorable vacation in Italy – and if all goes well, not get arrested.

Loser for Hire – I love to play sports. There’s just one problem. I’m actually not very good at it. People love to play me because they know they will have the satisfaction of winning. So, I’ve decided to offer my services for hire. If you’d like to feel better about yourself, just hire me to play you in any sport. You’ll feel like a winner in no time. Anybody up for a round of golf?

Love and Relationships 

Don’t Let Your Dishwasher Destroy Your Marriage – Being married for more than 30 years takes commitment and hard work, especially if you’re married to me.  Ours has survived many ups and downs. But it was a major household appliance that drove our marriage to its knees.  Read how we were able to overcome our differences about dirty dishes. 

Fifty Shades of White – When your wife asks you to go to Home Depot with her to pick out white paint for one of your rooms, be prepared for a long outing. You might want to request a couple vacation days. You’re going to be there a while. 

The Case Against Marriage Equality for Left-handed People – At the risk of offending both of my regular readers, it’s time I spoke up about something I feel passionately about. It’s time that the 90% of us right-handed Americans take our country back and stop letting left-handers marry and breed. Read my cogent argument for why we must take our nation back.

Memo to Our Kids: The Family Has Decided to Downsize – It was a difficult decision. But I looked at the future cash flow projections and our dwindling retirement fund, and I make the hard choice. I had to let our two kids go. But the severance package is more than fair, if you ask me. 

That’s it for this installment. If you’re still hanging in there, you can now check out PART 2 of this list, including a TOP TEN LIST of my own personal all-time favorite columns over the past ten years.

Please click the LIKE button for any posts you enjoy. I would deeply appreciate it if you took a moment to post a comment to any of my columns or just your overall views about View from the Bleachers and how reading this column has made you a better person (it’s okay to lie). If you’re curious about what else I’ve written about over the years, check out VFTB’s TOPICS DIRECTORY. Thanks.

Tim Jones

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2009 – 2019

Trump Announces His Latest Premier Resort: TRUMP GREENLAND

Trump Announces His Latest Premier Resort: TRUMP GREENLAND

President Trump announces his latest deal: Trump Greenland. “Denmark’s loss is MY gain. Come join me and let’s MAKE GREENLAND GREEN AGAIN!”

President Trump announces his latest deal: Trump Greenland. “Denmark’s loss is MY gain. Come join me and let’s MAKE GREENLAND GREEN AGAIN!”

August 26, 2019. Nuuk, Greenland – It was announced today that Trump Worldwide Resorts will soon open the crowning jewel in its long list of elite luxury properties: TRUMP GREENLAND.

Initial errant remarks by Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen suggested that Denmark’s large, ice-covered autonomous territory was not for sale. However, Trump Organization officials are pleased to report that after six hours of intense negotiations and name calling, the President was able to purchase Greenland for the bargain price of $500 billion – after turning down Denmark’s initial offer of $400 billion. Trump had to sweeten the deal by furnishing the PM Frederiksen with her own lavish penthouse suite – and giving Denmark full title to California.

Skeptics expressed concern about how The Donald would raise such vast funds, given our current deficit crisis. The President quickly reassured Americans that he will simply divert hundreds of billions previously set aside for Social Security. He tweeted, “Social Security is a socialist anti-American scheme. It even has the word ‘social’ right there in its name. Lame.”

“This is a great win for me, I mean for the United States of America,” said our Commander-in-Chief, who also proclaimed that “this is the greatest single real estate deal in history – way better than when we bought Manhattan from the pre-Americans. And it’s way more bigly than the Louisiana Purchase deal with the French. Whoever even heard of the country of Louisiana, anyway! Boring.”

Greenland’s population is a mere 56,000 folks (about the attendance at a sold out New York Mets game). But it’s geographically huge, roughly the size of western Europe. An added plus: It comes with virtually none of those pretentious Parisians or bombastic Brits.

Some economists had questioned the wisdom of spending half a trillion dollars to acquire a barren, rocky, arctic landmass, of which 85% is perpetually covered in ice. But, in a rare moment of environmental awareness, the President explained that because of the rampant acceleration of global warming, Greenland’s ice sheet, which is melting at a fantastic rate of 12 billion tons per day, will soon be history.

In less than 20 years, Greenland will truly become a GREEN LAND again, get it?” quipped the President, making one of his signature hilarious jokes. He pointed out that all this emerging greenery, coupled with the projected two-foot rise in the earth’s sea level will make Greenland the perfect vacation destination for golf, tennis, and real family fun: harpooning for dolphins.

Taking questions before boarding Marine One, the President added, “Think about it. Where are you gonna go on vacation when Miami and Aruba are two feet under water? Answer? Greenland. Problem solved!”

Trump described how Greenland’s craggy coastline will make the perfect backdrop for oceanfront condos, five-star restaurants and Benetton shops. Projections are that labor costs will be minimal because most Greenlanders are unemployed and would be eager for any job. “We plan to pay them in halibut and reindeer meat. They’ll be thrilled just not to be starving,” said Donald Trump Jr., himself a noted wildlife enthusiast and the person President Trump has tasked with launching the construction of Trump Greenland.

An artist’s rendering of the first of five planned resort hotels to be built at Trump Greenland. Every effort will be made to ensure the resort blends in with the natural surroundings.

An artist’s rendering of the first of five planned resort hotels to be built at Trump Greenland. Every effort will be made to ensure the resort blends in with the natural surroundings.

“Greenland is an exotic land filled with calving glaciers, flowing fiords and snow-capped mountains”, spouted Jr. “The new and improved Trump Greenland will host nature tours via helicopters and snowcats where families can hunt down their own endangered polar bears for their trophy walls back home. Come see all this incredibly pristine arctic beauty – before it’s gone!”

Advanced promotional literature claims that when Trump Greenland opens, it will be like no other golf-tennis-casino resort in the country – because it will be the only golf-tennis-casino resort in that country. The native Greenlanders are warm, gentle people. And you’ll have plenty of opportunities to get to know them up close as they refill your margaritas and take your bets at the Reindeer Roulette table.

And the food is to die for! If you’re the adventurous type, why not try the Mattak (whale skin) served raw with a mild otter sauce. Or sample the national soup of Greenland called suaasat, made from 100% natural ingredients: seal, reindeer, and tundra swans – lightly breaded. Then again, if that’s not to your taste, sink your teeth into a thick juicy Trump Steak (a few crates remain from the failed 2007 launch of Trump’s branded beef).

At a press conference, the president’s newly appointed Prime Minister of Greenland, Ivanka, unveiled a gorgeous architectural rendering of the planned resort, which will feature two tasteful 60-foot giant gold-plated whale statues at the main entrance, blowing poker chips out of their blowholes into a glacier-fed fountain. She announced that construction is expected to begin just as soon as the engineers can figure out how to load the 20’x30’ hotel windowpanes onto dog sleds.

The President then patriotically tweeted, “Come to my newest property, TRUMP GREENLAND, and together let’s MAKE GREENLAND GREEN AGAIN!

Negotiations will soon be under way for Trump’s next world-class four-season resort. He is actively pursuing the purchase of a large, remote, unheard of island continent in the Pacific – provided Australia’s Prime Minister Morrison ever answers Donald’s phone calls.

For more information contact Eric Trump at pleaselovemedaddy@trump.com.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019

Alabama Proposes Reinstating Slavery

Alabama Proposes Reinstating Slavery

[Author’s Warning: This week’s post is in response to the Alabama State Legislature’s decision to pass the most draconian anti-abortion law in the country. So, if you’re from Alabama, or perhaps just a big Crimson Tide fan, you might want to skip this week’s post. I hear there’s a good NASCAR race on TV. You might want to watch that instead. – TEJ]

This is the Alabama State Capitol, where the State Legislature recently enacted the nation’s strictest anti-abortion law. A bill that would terminate black voting rights narrowly failed to pass.

This is the Alabama State Capitol, where the State Legislature recently enacted the nation’s strictest anti-abortion law. A bill that would terminate black voting rights narrowly failed to pass.

The nation’s attention recently pivoted to Alabama, where last week, the state senate, in an overwhelming 25 – 6 vote along party and gender lines, passed landmark legislation banning all abortions in Alabama – including in cases of rape or incest – with the lone exception of when the mother’s life is in danger. Physicians found guilty of violating this new law will face the possibility of up to 99 years in prison – or, even harsher, having to spend the rest of their lives in Alabama.

Bolstered by a large fundamentalist Christian constituency, who fervently believe white men and God should have the last say over women’s bodies, the Alabama state governing powers have been emboldened to push through several other ground-breaking bills, all in an effort to return Alabama to its Antebellum glory years. Here are just a few under consideration:

Ensuring the safety of women

In a further effort to protect women from being forced to make their own decisions, Alabama State Senator Cletus Schitfourbraynz has proposed requiring all female drivers to be accompanied by their husbands or boyfriends while driving – unless the ‘Bama game is on and her man needs her to make a beer run, in which case, women can drive unaccompanied provided they’re wearing a GPS ankle monitor to track their location.

Protecting the rights of black citizens

State Senator Beauregard de Racistidyohti has crafted a measure to make it easier – and safer – for blacks and other minorities to vote – by providing them with their own special day to cast their ballots – one day after the official election. This legislation has the full support of the Alabama chapter of Kind Karing Kinfolk (more commonly known simply as the KKK).

Beloved State Senator Wendall “Grandpa” Batshitowski proposes requiring all children to pack heat in the classroom, for their protection. Here he is demonstrating a prototype of the new “Fun Size” Revolver (for ages 5 and under).

Beloved State Senator Wendall “Grandpa” Batshitowski proposes requiring all children to pack heat in the classroom, for their protection. Here he is demonstrating a prototype of the new “Fun Size” Revolver (for ages 5 and under).

Automating the voting process

To further improve the voting experience and reduce electoral confusion, all ballots in perpetuity will be pre-checked with Donald Trump for president. If for any unfathomable reason, one wishes to change one’s vote to the non-Trump candidate, the process is simple. One simply fills out a ten-page change request form, provide proof of citizenship, submit five years of tax returns, write a 1,000-word essay on “Why I hate America” – and remit a $100 vote change processing fee payable to the Alabama Republican Party. This measure has the added perk of reducing voter fraud, which is rampant in the south.

Establishing an official state religion

Despite the fact that the U.S. Constitution forbids the establishment of a state religion, State Senator Buford Goodolboyze is pushing for the establishment of the Southern Baptist faith as the official religion of Alabama. People found guilty of espousing Jewish, Muslim or agnostic beliefs will be sentenced to five years in prison and subjected to mandatory viewings of Jimmy Swaggart and The 700 Club 12 hours a day during their incarceration.

Creating a new state holiday to celebrate Alabama’s illustrious history

State Senator Cavemanus, Né Andertholl, is advocating for a new state holiday to honor one of the most widely admired people in US history: Jefferson Davis. Davis became the first (and last) President of the Confederate States of America until the money-grubbing northern terrorists illegally took away white people’s God-given right to own slaves.

The holiday will be observed every January 20th, which just coincidentally had been Martin Luther King Jr. Day, until a state constitutional amendment eradicated the latter holiday. Senator Jedediah Lynchum spoke for the majority, declaring, “that King fella was arrested more times than I can count, so clearly, he was a criminal.”  

Protecting our children

In an effort to stem gun violence in our schools, Senator Smith N. Wesson has proposed making it mandatory to arm every student with a gun. To ensure this program is implemented safely, assault rifles will only be issued to young children IF they pass a grueling gun safety test in which they must spell the words “assault rifle” with no more than three errors.

In a vote largely along gender lines, the State Senate’s white, male Republican majority pushed through legislation allowing women to dress up “as fancy as you gals wanna” – so long as it’s in the kitchen. Women also now have the option of going barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen as well.

In a vote largely along gender lines, the State Senate’s white, male Republican majority pushed through legislation allowing women to dress up “as fancy as you gals wanna” – so long as it’s in the kitchen. Women also now have the option of going barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen as well.

Protecting the sanctity of the flag

If Senator Lucius Dumasbrix gets his way, soon it will become a felony punishable by imprisonment to be caught burning or otherwise disfiguring the flag. For clarification, he’s talking about the Confederate flag. What people do to disrespect the American flag, is, of course, their choice, protected by the First Amendment.

Banning the teaching religion in schools

Teaching religion in schools will hereby be banned – unless, of course, it’s Christianity – the one true religion, according to a bill recently put forth by Senator Ima Morone. Also verboten/forbidden will be the teaching of long-ago debunked myths such as evolution, dinosaurs roaming the earth, climate change and the moon landing hoax.

Helping the homeless

In an effort to help the needy, Senator Ned Jewzahrbadde, has proposed distributing free Bibles to thousands of homeless and needy Alabamians. The Senator argues this program will not cost the taxpayers any money, as the legislature will simply reallocate funds previously assigned to the Food Banks.

And this just in. Apparently Alabama will soon be replacing their state capitol’s statue of native son, country singer Hank Williams, with a 50-foot gold-plated likeness of President Trump, widely regarded as our nation’s greatest president (after Jefferson Davis, that is), according to a poll of white rural voters with a fifth grade education who still think the term “Negro” is socially acceptable.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019

MAGA March Madness Brackets Preview

MAGA March Madness Brackets Preview

March Madness – a term that to millions of Americans means a time of excitement and anticipation as they root for their favorite basketball team. Or, in the case of our president, it refers to any random day between March 1 and 31.

March Madness – a term that to millions of Americans means a time of excitement and anticipation as they root for their favorite basketball team. Or, in the case of our president, it refers to any random day between March 1 and 31.

It’s that time of year when millions of Americans take off early from work, head to the nearest bar, grab a seat in front of a large screen TV and go crazy with March Madness – perhaps the most exciting sporting event of the year. No, not the NCAA tournament, silly! I’m talking about the Big Show, MAGA March Madness.

Robert Mueller has officially submitted his report to Attorney General Barr. Now multiple congressional committee hearings are gearing up to subpoena witnesses and documents to determine who the most culpable parties are.

Throughout this saga, an entire nation will be fixated to see who the winners and losers are going to be in the epic legal and political battle about to unfold in Congress and in the courts. Office pools will form, as people place their bets on whether Donald Trump will survive the gauntlet of highly motivated opponents hoping to bring his reign as champion to an end.

View from the Bleachers, long recognized as the definitive source for inaccurate, sophomoric and wildly misinformed journalism, is pleased to be the first major (or minor) media organization to announce the 2019 MAGA March Madness Tournament Bracket pairings. First, here’s a peak at this year’s regions:

East Region: Russia Collusion

West Region: Campaign Finance Violations

South Region: Obstruction of Justice

Midwest Region: Fraud & Corruption

Here are the official bracket pairings, as announced by ESPN and the Justice Department:

All sixteen teams selected are formidable competitors. Any one of them has the track record to make it to the finals. But there was one surprise in this year’s pairings: For what is surely a first in the history of the March Madness tournament, one team has been assigned a spot coming out of all four regions – Donald Trump.

This would seem at first blush to give him a significantly unfair advantage over the competition. In response to fan protests, Trump said he earned this special seeding since he’s the world’s best deal maker. Indeed, one need look no further for proof of this than his tremendous success negotiating with Kim Jong-un. When asked in a press conference why he got so many slots, Trump simply smiled and remarked, “I deserve it,” adding, “No one is more deserving than me.”

In the West “Campaign Finance Violations” Region, Trump faces stiff opposition from several teams that he claims have been lying about his accomplishments for much of the past season. He contends that, “in the spirit of fair play”, they all should be eliminated from the tournament (and jailed), starting with his former attorney and fixer, Michael Cohen. But the committee has decided to let them play despite the President’s repeated ALL-CAPS tweet storms protesting, “SO UNFAIR! #SAD! #MAGA!”

To be sure, the Midwest “Fraud & Corruption” Region is no sleeper bracket either. It contains several high-powered opponents whose history of success and achievement Donald Trump has pointed out repeatedly (and taken credit for). One team to watch closely is First Son-in-Law Jared, whom Trump hired as a special advisor to handle all domestic and international affairs of state, so that Donald could focus on the most pressing demands of his presidency – tweeting, binging on Fox & Friends in his pajamas, and golfing.

Still other pundits argue that the region to look out for is the South: “Obstruction of Justice”. This field contains an embarrassment of riches. In fact, even the 4th seed – Republicans in Congress – is a serious contender to wrap up this bracket if Trump falters. This team has done a remarkable job over the past two years of slowing down any and every congressional investigation into the Trump campaign or presidency. They are in many ways the perfect complement to Team Trump’s corruption and obfuscation in that they never utter an uncomplimentary word about their Commander in Chief.

Still, many experts feel that the most compelling battle may emerge from the East: “Russia Collusion.” While Trump is the top seed in this region, many sports commentators make the case they should have given the top spot to Russian President Putin arguing that Trump is just following Putin’s game plan.

In examining the final bracket pairings, the committee had to make several difficult decisions as to who to let in and who to eliminate. Some noteworthy obstructers and fraudsters who ended up on the outside of the bubble looking in include First Daughter Ivanka Trump, Commerce Secretary Wilber Ross, Blackwater founder Erik Prince, foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos, and dozens of Russian operatives, to name a few. The committee apologized to the aforementioned teams, acknowledging that they were all highly worthy of consideration in this prestigious field of schemers, liars, evaders, enablers and sycophants. But their efforts fell slightly short of the high bar of corruption needed to make the final selection. Maybe next year.

Who will win the prestigious MAGA trophy? That’s anybody’s guess. But President Trump, the number one overall seed, has repeatedly predicted that in the end, he will triumph. He has called all the other teams opposed to him losers and has declared that he is the only true WINNER in this tournament, and after he wins, he plans to finish building the Wall, which, by the way he tweeted is already mostly done.

Trump added, “If I don’t win the championship, then it just means it was rigged. Fake Refs. Hillary’s emails. #Lock her up!” Despite the end of the Special Counsel investigation, the congressional committees are just getting ramped up, so it’s way too early to know who will come out on top in the finals.

Let the games begin. Don’t forget to send in your own bracket picks, along with a check for $500, to VFTB’s MAGA March Madness tournament pool. The winning entry just might win the restoration of democracy in America (unless Trump wins, that is, in which case God help us all). Send in your brackets to NoOneIsAboveTheLaw@InPrisonYouCantTweet.com.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019

Trump Translation Guide

Trump Translation Guide

[Author’s note: This post was conceived by and co-written with my dear old pal Steve Fisher, who has been regularly making me laugh since we were 12 years old. Steve left the U.S. in 1991 and since then has been living happily in Prague, Czech Republic. Now retired, Steve mostly spends his time reading The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Guardian and The New Yorker, and watching Rachel Maddow, Morning Joe, Meet the Press and Face the Nation. His most frequent thought these days is “Holy shit!”]

Over the first two years of Donald Trump’s presidency, he has made countless incredible statements and many bold claims about how great he is, how horrible his detractors are, and all the historic achievements he has made, which, according to him, no other president has accomplished.

According to the Washington Post’s Fact Checker database, in his first two years of office, Trump has made over 6,400 false or misleading claims.

Every day he makes another outrageous pronouncement. It has gotten to the point where it can be extremely hard to know if even he believes the things that he says. So, as a public service, View from the Bleachers has created a Trump Translation Guide to help people understand what our president is REALLY trying to say. 

Below is a small sampling of some of President Trump’s recent statements and our best guestimate of what he actually means. We apologize for any correct spellings which may appear to contradict the President’s preferred misspelling. 

TRUMP EXPRESSION TRANSLATION
“No collusion” “Collusion”
“Fake news” “Fact-based objective reporting”
“Failing New York Times” “Winner of 125 Pulitzer Prizes”
“People are saying” “I’m the only one saying this”
“Lots of people are saying” “Virtually everyone is saying the complete opposite”
“Leaker” “Whistleblower”
“Dirty lying leaker” “Patriot”
“Hoax” “Unfortunately, not a hoax”
“Witch hunt” “Federal law enforcement effort to reveal gravest political corruption and threat to national security in U.S. history”
“I didn’t know anything about him doing that.” “I specifically told him to do that.”
“He only worked for me for a very short time.” “He has a lot of damaging information about me.”
“He’s been treated terribly by the FBI. He’s very brave, and I have tremendous respect for him.” “I hope he won’t flip on me.”
“I’ve never heard such an insulting question.” “Yes, I did do that.”
“I have no business dealings with Russia.” “Russian oligarchs have done money laundering through my properties since the 1980s.”
“No President has ever been tougher on Russia than I have.” “I made Putin say ‘please’ before I agreed to pull all our troops out of Syria.”
“My father gave me a loan of a million dollars.” “My father gave me hundreds of millions of dollars in an illegal tax-evasion scheme.”
“I know how to build things. I mean, hey, that’s what I do.” “I know how to create fraudulent businesses, strip their assets and then declare bankruptcy. I mean, hey, that’s what I do.”
“I know more than the generals do.” “…if the question is, how do you accidentally start a nuclear war.”
“I have hand-picked an outstanding team [Mattis, Tillerson, McMaster, Sessions, Omarosa…].” “On second thought, they’re all losers.”
“I will drain the swamp.” “I will fill the swamp even deeper.”
“The best people” “Unqualified, incapable and corrupt people”
“Good people” “White supremacists”
“A good boy” “My inept and unscrupulous son”
“Murderers, rapists, drug dealers and other really bad hombres” “Terrified refugees, mostly families, fleeing from violence, poverty and hunger”
“Mexico will pay for it.” “American taxpayers will pay for it.”
“North Korea is no longer a nuclear threat.” “North Korea is continuing to build up its nuclear arsenal unimpeded.”
“I am the most presidential person ever to sit in the Oval Office.” “I will go on a Tweet storm at 6am from the toilet anytime someone says anything mean about me.”
“As for the Prince, maybe he did it, maybe he didn’t. Nobody knows. He says he didn’t.” “He did it.”
“It was a very productive meeting.” “I talked non-stop for 45 minutes without anyone daring to interrupt me and then got up and left.”
“I’m, like, an incredibly smart person.” “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“I’m a technology expert.” “I know how to use the button on my desk to order a Coke.”
“Only I can solve it.” “I’ll have Jared take care of it.”
“I am the greatest president in history – okay maybe second after Lincoln.” “Lincoln is the only other president whose name I can remember.”
“I am the least racist person you’ll ever meet.” “So long as you’re white, that is.”
“We have defeated ISIS.” “…if you don’t count the few thousand remaining members of ISIS who are still killing our troops.”
“I will proudly own the government shutdown. I won’t blame the Democrats.” “It’s totally the Democrats’ fault.”
“We’ve got the strongest economy in history right now.” “Thanks, Obama.”
“Believe me.” “Only an idiot would believe me.”
That’s the View from the Bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base. © Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019