[Note by Tim Jones: This week’s column was written by Lawrence Douglas and Alexander George.]
You can just imagine the tweets, denials and equivocating that would follow a murder committed by Trump on Fifth Avenue, can’t you?
The New York Times:
Breaking news: in an eerie echo of Donald Trump’s infamous campaign trail remark – “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters” – many witnesses report, and CCTV footage obtained by the Times confirms, that early this morning the president drew a handgun on his former lawyer Michael Cohen and shot him dead on a street in midtown Manhattan.
House speaker Paul Ryan:
“If these reports are true – I emphasize IF – then yes, I’m very concerned. I don’t think the president should be killing people in broad daylight in front of Tiffany’s. But I’m not a legal expert, I could be wrong.”
White House press secretary Sarah Sanders:
Associated Press: “Ms. Sanders, did the president shoot his former lawyer in an effort to stop him from testifying against the president?”
Sarah Sanders: “No, he did not.”
AP: “Are you saying that the shooting was not motivated by Mr. Cohen’s recent plea deal, or rather that the president did not shoot him?”
SHS: “You’ve got my answer, Jim. No, no, no.”
AP: “Ms. Sanders, I’m still not clear what –”
SHS: “The answer is no. No as in no. N. O. It’s these kinds of questions that have turned the American people against the press.” Continue reading “If Trump shot Michael Cohen in broad daylight, here’s what Republicans would say” »
[Author’s Note: America’s gun violence epidemic is no laughing matter. What happened in Parkland, Florida recently, resulting in the deaths of 17 students, teachers and coaches was horrifying. This post is my attempt to point out the lunacy of the lame response by Congress, most state legislatures and our president to the issue, because they are all too afraid to stand up and take on the NRA. – TEJ]
Dear President Trump,
Let’s be clear: I did not vote for you. But I have to admit – you’re doing an amazing job at Making America Safe Again.
I must say, whatever triggered your latest inspiration – to curb school shootings by arming teachers – is every bit as well-thought-out and necessary as your Mexican border wall idea – and nobody is more of a stable genius than you, Mr. President.
In your courageous tweet you advocated providing guns to 20 to 40% of the teachers in each school. According to the Department of Education, there are approximately 3.6 million teachers in schools across the nation. Now, I’m no math genius like you, Mr. President, but assuming 30% of the teachers are armed, that works out to roughly 1.1 million more guns in our schools. Great plan, sir.
Oh, sure, these teachers will need to spend a lot of time in training. But isn’t that a far more important use of their time than teaching students? After all, most of those kids aren’t paying attention in class anyway.
And it will no doubt cost a pretty penny to buy all these guns and train all these teachers on the proper use of firearms. But if I know you, you’ll probably just take the money out of the Medicaid budget. I’m sure you’ve figured that all out.
Continue reading “President Trump, Arming Teachers is an Excellent Start” »
[Washington, D.C. – December 5, 2017] Another day, another shocking conduct allegation – and this time, it targets one of the icons of American politics. Just minutes ago, the Washington Post reported that former Vice President Joe Biden has been accused of decent behavior in the presence of multiple women, and even several male colleagues in government.
On condition of anonymity, one woman, who described herself as a former staffer, shared her ordeal. “I was alone with the Vice President in his office and he kept staring at my briefs.” Further details have emerged to substantiate her claim that he was dazzled by her body of work and how well she had written her amicus curiae legal brief about the dangers of air pollution from strip mining.
Another female aide reportedly has a tape of Biden pushing her to expose her position – no matter how uncomfortable – on fracking without using protection.
Still another woman was more blunt in her claims, admitting that she’d engaged in a longstanding carnal relationship with Biden, even having sex in his official residence. She later came forward and reluctantly identified herself as Dr. Jill Biden, his wife of 40 years.
For decades, there have been whispers about Biden’s proclivity to engage in shocking acts of unsolicited civility towards attractive members of the opposite sex, as well as unattractive ones. Stories have long circulated about his tendency to avoid speaking in sexually graphic terms when around female subordinates, even in public.
Several complaints have surfaced from people who have seen Biden put his arms around women, in what appears to be a caring embrace, usually during military funerals honoring a fallen son, killed in action. Continue reading “Joe Biden Facing Claims of Decent Behavior” »
Tim Jones: Hey kids. Wanna hear a bedtime story?
Several young children: Yes, Mr. Tim! Please tell us a story!
Tim: Okay, but I should warn you. It’s a scary tale!
Johnny (age 9): I love scary stories, Mr. Tim!
Tim: Well, if you insist. But this is a very, VERY scary story!
Kevin (age 8): You can’t scare me, Mr. Tim!
Tim: We’ll see about that, Kevin.
Once upon a time there lived a mean and angry ogre called the TRUMP. The TRUMP was YUGE. He had an ugly orange face, like the scariest Jack-o’-lantern you’ve ever seen. His hair was made of golden straw. He lived in a fancy palace built of gold. And every few years, when the TRUMP tired of his latest wife slave, he would trade her in for a younger, prettier mail-order bride.
The TRUMP was feared by all. If anyone dared speak ill of him, his orange face would turn red and his straw hair would stand on end and he would threaten to destroy them – or worse, sue them for all the pennies in their piggy bank. Oh, he was a very mean ogre!
The TRUMP hungered for fame and power and palaces. So, one day, he declared he wanted to become ruler over the entire kingdom. He told the simple folk that their lives were miserable and that ONLY HE could make them happy again. They believed him – especially the ones living in the red villages.
The peasants gathered throughout the land in record-breaking crowds, wearing his red cap, chanting his name and singing his praises. The TRUMP grew wild with power. He spread lies to incite his followers into hating foreigners and he warned them only to watch Fox News. Before long, all the simple folk believed that the TRUMP would MAKE THE KINGDOM GREAT AGAIN and they chose him to become their ruler.
On the day the TRUMP took the throne, little did the simple folk know that the only creature he cared about was himself. He insisted that his servants only tell him good news about how his subjects loved him. And he banished anyone who questioned his wisdom, with these frightful words: YOU’RE FIRED!
Continue reading “A Very Scary Fairy Tale – The Angry Orange Ogre” »
Lately, United Airlines’ longstanding motto, Fly the Friendly Skies, has taken a serious tumble. On a recent flight four passengers were told they had to disembark to make room for airline personnel. One of the chosen was a doctor who refused to give up his seat, using a lame excuse that he had an ethical obligation to see patients the next morning. There’s one in every crowd. There are also cell phones in every crowd, and many took videos of security guards dragging the 69-year old Asian American doctor down the aisle, ejecting him from the plane, complete with a broken nose and two lost teeth.
The bad news for United: Within an hour those videos went viral, making international news. The good news: – United’s stock actually took off – soared – the very next day, increasing the company’s market cap by $355 million. Apparently, investors were impressed by United’s new slogan, “At United, we’ll treat you as well as we treat your luggage!” And now United now has plenty of ready cash for the lawsuits.
The airlines’ CEO, Oscar Munoz, wasted no time in defending their policy: “If you don’t have many Frequent Flyer miles and you paid a low price for your ticket, we have the right to remove you. Be grateful we carry this out while still on the ground. The Board of Directors argued for inflight ejections, but we couldn’t agree on whether or not to supply parachutes.” Today, however, amidst public furor, United reversed itself and issued several new policy guidelines to reassure hesitant travelers that once again, the airline is committed to bringing back the friendly skies. Effective immediately, United will make the following changes in its passenger policies:
No longer will passengers be tasered for asking for a second bag of peanuts.
Continue reading “United Airlines Brings Back Its Friendly Skies” »
[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.]
Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, and 500 other America-hating, fake media sources, the news lately has been amazingly great. Here’s a summary of the incredibly positive top stories from the past week.
President Trump signed an Executive Order (EO) to override the Circuit Court of Appeals’ unanimous verdict, which had falsely claimed that his Muslim travel ban was a Muslim travel ban and thus unconstitutional and illegal. Trump’s EO officially bans all federal courts that disagree with any of his EOs because his awesome presidential constitutional authority is bigger than the courts’.
President Trump had an amazingly successful first phone call with Queen Margrethe II of Denmark. In a seven-minute call originally scheduled for an hour, the Queen gushed about her adoration for America’s new president and pledged her full submission, we mean, full cooperation to ensure strong diplomatic relations. And if the Danish ambassador says Trump called the Queen a b*tch when she refused to let Trump deport all our Muslims to Denmark, the ambassador’s a lying, whining loser whose wife is a 4 at best.
Continue reading “Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition” »