VFTB’s Take Back America, Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool Kit

VFTB’s Take Back America, Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool Kit

Hey there, America! Does the depressed economy have you feeling DOWN!!!!??? Are you concerned because our government can’t seem to solve our spiraling debt crisis? Confused about how to end the stalemate between Republicans and Democrats over how to restore America’s former greatness and still balance the budget?

Well, worry no more. At View from the Bleachers, our dedicated staff of economic analysts and female impersonators has come up with a brilliant solution to our nation’s economic and political problems.

Now, you can finally break the governmental gridlock that is ruining our country and TAKE BACK OUR GOVERNMENT – literally, with our new Take Back America, Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool Kit.

When George Washington delivered the Gettysburg Address on the deck of the Mayflower, he spoke of a government “of the people and by the people.” Finally, thanks to our Take Back America, Do-It-Yourself Self-Government (TBADIYSG) Tool Kit, government will finally be by the people once and for all – people like YOU!

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The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by Dec. 17th – Conclusion

The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by Dec. 17th – Conclusion

Last week I shared with you some bold new initiatives planned by America’s leading Tea Party politicians to wipe out the entire US Debt before the end of the year. Think of it as a gigantic Christmas present to America from the Tea Party (so long as you’re not elderly, disabled, poor, a member of a labor union, Muslim or, worse yet, gay).

You can read last week’s post here, where you will learn about brilliant ideas put forth by some of the brightest stars in the Tea Party caucus of Congress to save trillions in wasteful spending in the areas of healthcare, education, and financial regulatory reform.

As brilliant as those thoughtful plans are, I’ve saved the best of the best for this week’s conclusion. So let’s get started, shall we? Here are some even more brilliant debt-reduction schemes waiting to be implemented by the Tea Party-controlled Congress* (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Koch Brothers Industries*).

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The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th

The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th

Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America.

As a result of the gridlocked debate, at least one major credit agency has already downgraded the USA’s credit rating. At our current rate of spending, our $14.5 trillion debt will explode to over $29 trillion in ten years unless we do something to stop this runaway train. Thankfully, the freedom-loving Tea Party members of Congress have come up with several innovative solutions which – when approved by the Tea Party-controlled Congress – will help us pay off our nation’s debt completely – by December 17th – just in time for Christmas.

I have previously discussed my own bold solutions to our nation’s debt crisis. But my debt reduction schemes pale next to the brilliance of these new Tea Party solutions. These unprecedented initiatives give me hope that America may once again become a great nation of predominantly white, 6th grade-educated, patriotic, flag-waving, NRA-supporting NASCAR fans who occasionally like to dress up in wacky Colonial attire and carry misspelled signs with phrases like “Repsect Are Country – No More Alliens.” Take a look at some of these clear-headed proposals initiated by our most capable Tea Party leaders.

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In Defense of Big Oil

In Defense of Big Oil

Not long ago, I took on those left-wing tree huggers in my insightful commentary titled The Myth of Global Warming.  I thought I had shut those nutcases up once and for all.  Seems I was wrong (go figure!).  Now they are up a tree again, this time barking about our over-dependence on oil.

These bicycle brains warn that the US has become overly dependent on oil from countries that don’t particularly like us, which puts our national security at risk.  Since when does the USA care about winning a popularity contest? Someone has to be the world’s policeman, and policemen don’t become cops to be liked. Some Chicken Littles are panicking that we might run out of oil in the next fifty years –  like I’m gonna be around to care.  And let’s not forget those socialist sympathizers yammering on about “rich oil executives getting paid too much!” Wah, wah, wah!  Enough with all the whining.

Let’s take a look at some of these latest ridiculous, alarmist claims.

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2010 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – Part II: July – December

2010 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – Part II: July – December

[To view Part I of the Year in Review – January – June, click here.]

Welcome back. What took you so long? We continue now with Part II of The Year in Review for 2010 (July – December), as seen from the Bleachers. Now where were we? Oh yes……

July: The world (and by “world” I mean every single country on the planet besides the USA) is riveted to the exciting FIFA World Cup of Soccer in South Africa.  A new craze is born as people from Tokyo to Paris to Sydney are getting hooked on the endearing monotone droning sound of the buzzing vuvuzela horn (as first reported here in VFTB).

Soon these colorful one-note plastic horns are popping up everywhere – at baseball games, political rallies, shareholders’ meetings, birthday parties, weddings, and, most recently, at my friends’ Bernie and Gwen Weinberger’s baby boy’s circumcision ceremony. Perhaps I should have asked permission first. My bad.

Also in the news, American television raises the bar for highbrow entertainment even higher with the explosive popularity of the hip reality series Jersey Shore. Colorful characters like Snooki and “The Situation” become well-tanned, breast-implanted role models for our kids. Every week is a new life lesson, like this one from episode 17, when cast member Snooki reminds us: “I’m not trashy. Unless I drink too much” or when Pauley cautions impressionable young viewers: “One minute you got three girls in the Jacuzzi, the next minute somebody’s in jail.” Sure beats the pointless tripe they try to fob off on us from the BBC or the National Geographic Channel, if you ask this reporter.

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2010 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – Part I: January – June

2010 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – Part I: January – June

As a professional journalist, it is my job to stay informed about important news stories and trends, so you don’t have to. This week, as I have done every year since this blog’s inception in 1975, I take stock in the people and events that shaped our world over the past 365 days.

[Editor’s note: For those of you following the Jewish calendar, look for my special Rosh Hashanah “You won’t believe what the Goyim world did to our people this past year” Edition, to be published at sundown on September 28, 2011, the start of the Jewish New Year. – TEJ]

Consider this my Holiday gift to you – a week late, sorry. Blame it on the Post Office. Here is the annual View from the Bleachers’ Year in Review – 2010 Edition, or as I like to call it VFTBYIR-2010E, for short.

Oh, just one thing: Pay no attention to the subtle and repeated placement of gratuitous links to previous VFTB articles scattered throughout this week’s post. My tech person told me search engines like that sort of stuff. Hope you don’t mind. Let’s get started, shall we?

January: Avatar smashes box office records as the biggest grossing movie of all time (not to be confused with Cannibal Holocaust, which gets VFTB’s vote for grossest movie of all time).  Thanks to Avatar’s amazing 3D effects and unprecedented profits, Hollywood begins unleashing a tidal wave of 3D films for 2010, including Alice in Wonderland, Toy Story 3, Rocky XXXVII and Oscar-buzz, early odds-on favorite for Best Picture, Jack Ass 3D (right).

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