In Defense of Facebook – by Barney Likezitt

In Defense of Facebook – by Barney Likezitt

This week’s View From The Bleachers guest commentator is Barney Likezitt, from Dayton, Ohio. Barney loves America and he really loves Facebook – oh, and beer!

This week’s View From The Bleachers guest commentator is Barney Likezitt, from Dayton, Ohio. Barney loves America and he really loves Facebook – oh, and beer!

[Note from the Staff of VFTB: Tim Jones is on vacation this week, so in his place, we invite you to enjoy this guest commentary by Barney Likezitt, an ardent Facebook advocate who would like to defend this social media site against its detractors. The views expressed by Mr. Likezitt do not necessarily reflect the views of Tim Jones or the staff of VFTB or any of its readers.]

Sometimes, I wonder how I survived life prior to 2004 – the year that the modern world’s greatest invention was created. No, not the beer helmet. I’m talking about Facebook. It’s hard for me to recall how I spent those nine hours a day before Facebook entered my life. Oh, now I remember. I was raising a family.

Since its inception, the number of Facebook users has grown to 2.4 billion. That means on any given day, roughly one out of every three people on the planet is updating their Facebook status while pretending to work. Some Negative Nellies consider Facebook a waste of time. But if you ask me, showering, shaving and putting on pants are much bigger time wasters. Watching hilarious videos of people falling into wedding cakes makes me laugh. And we all know laughter is the best medicine. Besides, Facebook’s also a great way to keep tabs on my kids’ activities. Why should I put myself through the annoyance of interacting with my brooding, self-absorbed 15-year-old daughter Megan when I can covertly scroll down her Facebook timeline?

More importantly – oh wait…. Someone just uploaded the funniest GIF where Hilary’s face was CGI’d onto a donkey. LOL. I have to share that one….

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh, right, Facebook is a great way to reconnect with people. Talk about blasts from the past! This very morning, I received a friend invitation from Ned Lumpkin, who I vaguely recall might have been in my ninth grade algebra class. Or perhaps it was a bot (I am so hip with the FB lingo). So, naturally, I accepted his / its friend invitation. I also reconnected with a former college flame named Brenda. She has definitely NOT aged well. I have no idea how Brenda is doing these days, but her Schnauzer Butch posts the most hilarious cat videos.

Don’t try to argue that Facebook isn’t educational. That’s fake news. Why, in the last hour, I learned that most alien abductions occur in Bluff, Alaska, climate change is a hoax, Brexit is going to save Great Britain, Brexit is going to ruin Great Britain, and I can buy a cool new litter box that will solve all my pet’s excretory issues for only three easy payments of $19.95.

Sometimes I wonder: What if the Founding Fathers had had access to Facebook? They could have saved so much time – and parchment – if they’d merely shared the Declaration of Independence on Facebook.

And when it came to voting on the various Articles of the Constitution, each delegate to the Constitutional Convention could have simply indicated either  or . Admittedly, there would probably have been a few snarky comments from defenders of King George, but Madison, Jefferson and their cronies could have unfriended them. Easier and more targeted than a musket shot.

I’m very politically active on Facebook because I love my country. I will thoughtfully react with a  to all Fox News articles. And I have signed every petition to deport anyone with black hair (which covers most questionable minorities). Now you might say, “Hey, Barney, if you’re so concerned about our nation’s future, how about doing some fundraising calls to stop gun violence, or knocking on doors for signatures on a petition to end inequality in the workforce?” And of course I would, but It takes forever just to type “Send her back” in response to the latest insightful MAGA rant. I can’t do everything, ya’ know!

Unlike TV, where the commercials are constantly in your face, Facebook allows me to choose which intriguing teaser ads I want to look at, like “Famous Musicians who are Serving Time in Prison” and “5 Foods to Burn Away that Belly Fat” and ”Whatever Happened to Calista Flockhart?” and “Poll: What Would You Sell Your Soul to the Devil For?” There are life lessons to be learned here.

Some detractors express concern that Facebook is collecting tons of data about every user without their permission. Apparently, Mark Zuckerberg’s company makes billions by sharing this info with marketers, Russian hackers, and “attractive single women” in Turkmenistan who are looking to meet me. What’s wrong with that? Besides, did I mention I’m single?

Why all the fuss? If you ask me, sharing my most personal data about my political leanings, how I looked in 4th grade, and my online purchase history for the past six years (I can explain the inflatable doll if you’d give me a chance) is a small price to pay to find out the latest news in the celebrity feud between Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus. Personally, I’m on Miley’s side. Taylor can be such a prima donna.

Thomas Jefferson’s latest Facebook status update: “Congrats to Luis and Clark on their awesome Exploration” – HA! Jefferson misspelled “Lewis.” LOL.

Thomas Jefferson’s latest Facebook status update: “Congrats to Luis and Clark on their awesome Exploration” – HA! Jefferson misspelled “Lewis.” LOL.

I know what you’re thinking. But I’m not addicted to Facebook. It’s not like I sit around all day compulsively checking my  feed. Sometimes I do it lying down. And I take plenty of walks – to the bathroom, the fridge (to get another beer) and back to the couch. So don’t tell me I’m missing out on life.

For you arrogant neo-luddites who self-righteously point out that you’ve never been on Facebook, you can wipe that smug, superior expression off your faces. Go walk in the park with your family or read that riveting new novel by J.K. Rowling, or…or… climb Mount Everest. Meanwhile, I’ll be checking out what my very dear old friend Ned Lumpkin is up to. Unlike me, you would have missed the video he shared of a golfer who drove his cart into a lake. LOL.

Well, I have to go. A moment ago, I noticed an important FB post: “Proof that Princess Meghan Markle isn’t a very nice person.” I always suspected…. – By Barney Likezitt*

[* VFTB Staff Note: You may be asking yourself, ‘Where did you guys find this Barney Likezitt fellow?’ Um, the photo above of Barney is a random stock photo. Barney is not a real person.]

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time 

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019

Tim’s Home Office News

Tim’s Home Office News

[Author’s note: Ever since I moved from Seattle to Camano Island, I’ve worked from home, by myself, as an independent contractor / consultant. Recently, in order to feel a little less isolated, I instituted my own company newsletter, which I call Tim’s Home Office News. I thought you might like to read the latest installment. – TEJ]

Welcome to this edition of Tim’s Home Office News – your most reliable source about what’s happening at Tim’s Home Office. (This month’s issue was written by our new VP of Public Relations, Tim, seen above.)

Welcome to this edition of Tim’s Home Office News – your most reliable source about what’s happening at Tim’s Home Office. (This month’s issue was written by our new VP of Public Relations, Tim, seen above.)

TIM’S HOME OFFICE NEWS – September Edition

Welcome to Tim’s Home Office News, our monthly bulletin aimed at keeping everyone working here at Tim’s Home Office up to date on the latest happenings around the company. There’s lots to report, so let’s get started!

First of all, a tip of the hat to Tim for winning our Employee of the Month award for the 47th straight month. Way to go, big guy! Thanks to your outstanding performance, you will once again earn your very own parking space in the corporate garage. We would mail you your engraved plaque to proudly display on your cubicle wall for all to see – but our records indicate you already have it.

Also, congratulations are in order for our Facility Manager, Tim, on completing the renovation of the employee lounge (also known as Tim’s Man Cave) at a cost of only 260% over budget. We think all who work here will agree the new 55” hi-def flat screen TV and PlayStation 4 video game console were long overdue enhancements, which will no doubt pay for themselves in increased productivity and improved morale.

In other Tim’s Home Office news, you’ve probably noticed the state-of-the-art smoothie maker in our staff kitchen. A big shout out of appreciation goes to our Office Administrator, Tim. And thanks also to our Intern Tim for all those delicious smoothie recipes (except for the one with Kale. Not a big hit with the staff, buddy).

As happens from time to time, the corporation decided to implement a much-needed staff re-organization to improve efficiencies and reduce waste. It comes as no surprise that Tim has been appointed Senior Vice President of Operations, effective immediately. He will continue to oversee his previous responsibilities in the areas of facilities management, marketing, finance and human resources, until further notice. We wish Tim the best of luck in his new role.

Tim’s Home Office has released its latest Profit & Loss statement. We regret to report that for the ninth consecutive month, we’ve had had to dip into the employee retirement plan to meet cash flow requirements and cover critical operational costs. Included are the lease on our home office, insurance, utilities and maintenance on the company fleet of vehicles (make that “vehicle”).

One insider (known only by the initials T.I.M.) criticized our Transportation Director Tim’s decision to acquire an unbudgeted new SUV as “an unnecessary impulse purchase of questionable timing.” On a related note, we regret to report that the company retreat originally scheduled for this fall in Cabo San Lucas has been postponed indefinitely.

In related news, which may come as a relief to some, despite missing revenue projections for the third straight quarter, the senior leadership of Tim’s Home Office has decided not to lay off a single employee. In an internal memo to the staff, CEO Tim wrote, “I care about every employee. Before I would fire any of them, I would fire myself!”

This past weekend was the always fun annual employee golf outing. Unfortunately, attendance was light again this year, perhaps due to the unusually cold temperatures. In the end, only our Sales Manager, Tim, was able to attend the event. Tim is excited to share that he won the “Closest to the Pin” competition on three of the four par threes. Next time, how about a hole in one, eh, Tim?

In these stressful times, we know that morale is everything. So, the Executive Steering Committee, led by Tim, is installing a state-of-the-art hot tub – the enjoyment of which will be limited to employees and guests of Tim’s Home Office. Please refer to your Employee Handbook for details about its use and our clothing-optional policy.

Congratulations to Tim on being named Employee of the Month. Tim was the unanimous pick of all the employees. Atta boy, Tim. We knew you could do it!

Congratulations to Tim on being named Employee of the Month. Tim was the unanimous pick of all the employees. Atta boy, Tim. We knew you could do it!

It will soon be time to celebrate Tim’s Home Office annual company Christmas party – to be held, as is the tradition, at our headquarters. Newly announced Senior VP of Operations Tim will be looking for volunteers to spearhead the planning, including food, decorations, and musical entertainment. Employees interested in joining the steering committee are encouraged to look for the sign-up sheet in the employee lounge.

We would like to address rumors that have been circulating about a possible acquisition of Tim’s Home Office by a potential suitor. While it is true that the company was in discussions about merging with a nearby competitor, Brad’s Home Office, negotiations broke down when their CEO (named Brad) was unwilling to absorb the accumulated debt position of Tim’s Home Office.

There is no word yet on the timetable for publishing the company’s annual report – or for that matter, hiring a Board of Directors or replacing the Senior Leadership Team. But according to our Director of Communications, Tim, the annual report, when completed, will provide a rich and full disclosure of the company’s finances and bright projections for a successful fiscal year ahead – just as soon as our Chief Financial Officer, Tim, can locate someone who knows how to use a calculator and a spreadsheet.

That’s it for this month’s edition of Tim’s Home Office News. And remember, next Friday is the deadline to submit your nomination for next month’s Employee of the Month. I’m talking to you, Tim!

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

[Author’s Note: This week’s post was inspired by my dear friend and fellow humorist, Steve Fisher, at right, who came up with the premise and invited me to run with it. – TEJ] 

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019

Ten Years of Silliness – A Look Back on a Decade of View from the Bleachers (Part 2 of 2)

Ten Years of Silliness – A Look Back on a Decade of View from the Bleachers (Part 2 of 2)

So, you’ve come back for Part 2 of the most popular View from the Bleachers columns from the past ten years. You seriously have nothing better to do with your day? If you don’t know what I’m talking about because you missed Part 1, you can check out Part 1 here. At the bottom of this post, you’ll see a TOP TEN LIST of my own personal favorites.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Health and Fitness 

Getting a Colonoscopy is Better Than Having Sex… with elephants, that is. And not by much. Read my true embarrassing story of my recent colonoscopy procedure. Warning: This post may not be suitable for people with weak colons. And kids, don’t try this at home.

Important Health Safety Warning: These Foods Will Kill You! – Turns out that a lot of foods are really, really bad for you. Even a 32-ounce bottle of water can kill you, if it falls on your head from a height of 5,000 feet. Read this week’s important health scare, er, alert, about some foods that can kill. Spoiler alert: Brussels sprouts are actually not harmful, unless stuffed up one’s nose. 

My Private Workout with Obama – People routinely accuse me of telling over-the-top fabricated stories, like having had a private workout with former President Obama. No, wait, that actually happened. This is the 100% partially true story of the time I pumped iron with Obama. Why would I make this up?

The Amazing Happiness Diet – Recently, I lost a lot of weight. No, I did not do one of those crazy fad diets. I created my own. I call it the Happiness Diet. There are only two steps involved. Easy-Peasy. Read how simple it is to lose weight – and friends – with my proven diet formula.

Computers and Technology 

Alexander Graham Bell’s First Phone Call – Using Skype – Imagine if Bell’s first phone call – the famous one he placed with Thomas Watson – was done via Skype. Read this dramatic reenactment of how it might have sounded and looked. 

The latest innovation from Google – Google Translate – Family Edition – The brilliant technologists at Google have improved their Translate service to help families understand each other better than ever. Now husbands can decipher what their wives are nattering on about into plain English. Our lives may never be the same.

My Love Letter to My Internet Help Desk – Read my THANK YOU letter to my Internet Service Provider, detailing my gratitude for my 19-hour ordeal in which their tech support call center was unable to fix a problem that corrupted my computer that resulted from installing their internet security software to prevent internet security threats from corrupting my computer. 

Business and the Workplace 

Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok – If there is one thing that separates the winners from the losers in business it’s the ability to compose persuasive, articulate, error-free emails, memos and presentations.  That and being the offspring of the CEO. 

My Short-lived Career as a BINGO Announcer – After all these years, I thought I had finally found the job of my dreams – BINGO announcer at the county fair. I rocketed to stardom, and then just as quickly, crashed and burned like a meteorite. Read my heartbreaking story of the dream job that got away. 

How to Blow a Job Interview – There is no shortage of self-help books with practical strategies on how to make a good impression in a job interview. So boring. But there are no experts doling out advice on how to totally blow up your job interview – until now, that is. 

Click on the image to read another one of my favorites the story of what life for others would have been like had I never been born, in It’s a Wonderful Life (but it could have been better).

Click on the image to read another one of my favorites the story of what life for others would have been like had I never been born, in It’s a Wonderful Life (but it could have been better).

TIM’S TOP TEN LIST OF PERSONAL ALL-TIME FAVORITES

In no particular order, here are my own personal favorite VFTB articles from the past ten years.

I Just Found Out I’m Related to Jesus – On My Mother’s Side – A recently deciphered ancient Coptic Christian papyrus text reveals that Jesus was probably married. It’s not too big a leap of logic from that revelation to the conclusion that I must be the savior’s direct descendant. I mean, just look at any 15th century painting of Christ. I totally have his chin.

According to Google I am a terrible person – I used to think I was a pretty good person – a decent husband and a parent who tried to set a good model for my kids. All that changed when I did a Google search on my name. Wow, from what I found out about myself, I appear to have done some horrible things.

My Fleeting Friendship with an Internet Scammer – This is part one of my actual email exchange with the nicest man from Latvia wanting to purchase bleachers.  I thought I had made a new friend across cyberspace, only to learn that the scammer did not really want to be my friend after all. What a shock! (This is a two-part piece.)

Have You Heard About Dyzastra? – If you haven’t, where have you been? It’s the latest miracle pill that cures everything. But there may be just a few teensy weensy unpleasant side effects.

Humor Writer Admits to Using Banned Substances and Lying to Everybody – In a stunning revelation, Tim Jones admits publicly that he used banned performance-enhancing substances to gain a competitive edge against other humor writers. Based on writing samples we have tested, it apparently hasn’t helped.

Kids, Ask Me About God – By Reverend Tornquist – This week’s special guest tackles the tough questions about God and Heaven that kids need to know, like In heaven, do I still have to eat my peas? And Will my daddy get all his hair back when he meets God and Jesus?

It’s a Wonderful Life (but it could have been better) – I had a dream, much like that Jimmy Stewart film, It’s a Wonderful Life. In my dream, my guardian angel showed me what life would have been like had I never been born, in order to show me the impact I’ve had on so many people’s lives. Turns out, um, not much impact after all, really. (This is a two-part piece.)

An Important Message From Your Cat – There are a couple items of business that your cat needs to discuss with you, starting with some apparent confusion over whose house this is. Your cat sets the record straight in this guest commentary.

You Have the Right to Remain Silent – My Recent Run-in with the Law – The true retelling of the time I got caught by the police in a major criminal act – er, well, I violated the speed limit, sort of. It’s hard to explain.

My Open Letter to the Guy Crossing the Street Against Traffic Without Looking Up – We have all seen this person – the one who is completely oblivious to everyone around them, as they walk into traffic glued to their phone. This is my open letter to that person on behalf of all of the rest of us they’ve kept waiting all these years.

Thank you to all who have accompanied me on this slightly misguided journey over the years. I appreciate you giving me a chance to mess with your minds and perhaps brighten your day. I apologize if I inspired a bemused smile that caused your partner to wonder what you’ve been up to. Thank you for clicking the LIKE button and adding your own comments, humor, and wisdom. A particular shout out to Garth Nesmith of Duluth, Minnesota, who claims to have read every single one of my 360+ posts since September 2009. All I can say is, Garth, seriously dude, you really need to get your priorities in order.

If you have a personal favorite that is not included here, I’d love it if you shared which one it is in the COMMENTS section.

If you missed Part 1, you can check it out here. Or check out VFTB’s TOPIC DIRECTORY, which lists all of these posts – and hundreds more- by topic category.

This blog would not be possible without you, my readers. Thank you for putting up with my sophomoric jokes and crazy stories. Finally, a special word of appreciation to my enormously talented sister, Betsy Jones, who, for the past ten years has been my incredible editor. Unlike most of you, she has had to read every single post I have ever written. Talk about a glutton for punishment.

Tim Jones

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019

Donald Trump’s Latest Five-Day Weather Forecast

Donald Trump’s Latest Five-Day Weather Forecast

“If you look closely at this undoctored map, you’ll see Florida looks a little like a penis. Nobody ever knew that before, believe me.” – Donald Trump

“If you look closely at this undoctored map, you’ll see Florida looks a little like a penis. Nobody ever knew that before, believe me.” – Donald Trump

Welcome back to Fox News. In a moment, we’ll get to our top story – why 97% of Americans think Donald Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln, according to a recent Fox poll of white nationalists.

But first, let’s take a look at the weather with our Meteorologist-in-Chief, President Trump. So, Donald, tell me, are we in for some STORMY weather this week?

You think that’s funny, do you, Shep Smith? You’re fired. Now get that bum outta here.

Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your President with a look at your five-day forecast. For the 137th week since I’ve been your president, the American weather continues to be great – the best weather in our nation’s history – and way better than the weather under eight years of Obama.

Looking at the national weather map, I promise you, we’re in for some tremendous weather throughout many regions of the country. At Bedminster, New Jersey, home of Trump National Golf Club, the weather will be 76 degrees, breezy and sunny all week. Closer to home, here in Washington, DC, locale of the Trump International Hotel, you won’t believe how incredible the weather is going to be. Just phenomenal. And at Mar-A-Lago, I’m calling for another week of mild temperatures in the upper 70’s with no chance of rain or humidity right up to election day in November 2020.

But we do have a few trouble spots to keep an eye on, namely in California, New Jersey, Massachusetts and Baltimore, where it will be Hell on earth. Expect temperatures to reach 115 degrees for daytime highs and plunge to minus 15 overnight. Look for massive tornado warnings in any state that did not vote for me – with the likelihood of hot balls of lava erupting near Seattle and vicious tsunami’s all along the Mexican border.

Now that Hurricane Dorian is over, I’m pleased to report that the devastation I had predicted for Alabama happened just exactly as I had said it would – just a few hundred miles east in Georgia and the Carolinas. I hope every American will join me in saying a silent prayer for the great people of Alabama – especially those who voted for me – in hopes that they will overcome their anxiety in the wake of this devastating storm.

Speaking of hurricanes, everybody’s talking about Hurricane Dorian and why it chose to strike America when it did. Most experts are saying that Hillary Clinton was behind it, in an attempt to damage my amazing golf courses in Florida and along the east coast. But she failed bigly – just like she did in 2016. Sorry, Bahamas.

Most people never knew that hurricanes are named in alphabetical order starting with the letter A. I was promised that after Hurricane Chantal struck, the next one would be named Hurricane Donald. But at the last minute, the Fake National Weather Service changed it behind my back to Dorian. So, I’m ordering the FBI to investigate how this could have happened. Probably the deep state.

Looking further out, the forecast for hurricanes is hard to predict. But one thing’s for sure. If I’m not re-elected in 2020, everybody should expect the nastiest hurricanes in history. Several level 5 storms, a few level 6s and maybe even a couple of level 9s or 10s. I predict some of them will be the wettest weather events in history, from the standpoint of water.

“Here’s a look at the five-day forecast for Boston. They should’ve voted for me; They would have had the best weather. Those Bostonians are nasty people.”

“Here’s a look at the five-day forecast for Boston. They should’ve voted for me; They would have had the best weather. Those Bostonians are nasty people.”

Taking a check at the national forecast, I predict the next major hurricane, which I have ordered the National Weather Service to name Hurricane Melania, will pack winds up to 390 miles an hour, and will most likely make landfall in Los Angeles and head up the coast of California, wiping out San Francisco and Portland, before jumping over the middle part of our nation and touching back down again near Chicago and Detroit, taking them out entirely. But it will leave farmers’ crops just fine. No need to thank me.

You can see my projected path of this storm in this incredibly accurate sharpie drawing of the Zone of Uncertainty, which I had nothing to do with drawing. It was that way when they gave me the map. Trust me.

Oh, and the pollen count will be slightly above normal in Atlanta over the next few days.

That’s it for weather. Now it’s time for Tucker Carlson and sports. Hey, Tucker, speaking of sports, while I was closely monitoring the path of Hurricane Dorian during my two rounds of golf last week, I got a hole in one – on a par five, believe me. But as usual, the Fake News didn’t report it. People tell me I’m a tremendous golfer.

So, Tucker, are you still betting on your New York Jets to make it to the NFL playoffs this year? If you ask me, they’re a bunch of losers. Just like Anderson Cooper. And Rosie.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019

Ten Years of Silliness – A Look Back on a Decade of View from the Bleachers (Part 2 of 2)

Ten Years of Silliness – A Look Back on a Decade of View from the Bleachers

Ten years ago this week, I published my very first View from the Bleachers humor blog post. Can you believe it’s been 3,653 days? I know what you’re thinking, and I totally agree: Feels like 3,654.

I don’t usually share my very first blog post (called Hey, This Blogging Thing is a Snap) because, … how do I put it delicately? It was a pretty pathetic first time up to the plate.

Since that humble beginning on September 7, 2009, I have rarely demonstrated anything vaguely approaching humility. I learned that from Trump. It works so well for him. I have written more than 360 humor pieces and published two books. I also learned from our esteemed leader the Art of the Lie. I can proudly proclaim that I have consistently lied to my readers, as well as exaggerated and bent the truth as much as possible, primarily in an effort to make myself look good. In that regard, clearly I have failed miserably.

But more importantly, if you have been keeping up with my blog over the years, you know that I have worked out with Obama, (that actually happened), was short-listed to be the next Pope, have been compared to Jesus (wow, that got some people upset!), ran for President, and discussed my here-to-fore not widely known experience as a general in two Gulf wars. I have repeatedly provided my expertise as a relationship guru and parenting expert, not to mention an economist and a Nobel Prize honoree (for humor writing, not physics).

If you find yourself with time to kill and bowling is just a little too exciting for you, might I suggest checking out my blog site’s TOPICS DIRECTORY? There, you can scroll through a listing of topics from parenting to politics to health & fitness to business and the workplace and much more. There’s even a separate category devoted specifically to our current occupant of the Oval Office. (However, I might suggest avoiding that one if your politics run right of center. I don’t want to raise your blood pressure any higher than it already is.)

In thinking about the past tenth of a century, I thought it might be fun to compile my own personal all-time most beloved posts and share them with my hundreds of thousands of loyal subscribers. I have no doubt there are some you never read before – because you’re a responsible person who has far better things to do with your time.

I had difficulty whittling down my favorites, so I’ve made this a two-part piece. Next week, I will return with Part 2 of my all-time favorite View from the Bleachers columns.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Everyday Life 

Side-By-Side Comparison of the Roomba VS. The Timba – In a recent test of traditional vacuum cleaning methods versus the latest robot vacuum called the Roomba, we compared a variety of features to determine which was superior. The results may surprise you. (Nah, probably not.)

My Personal War with a Backyard Mole – I’m not a violent person, but every man has his limits. In my case, it’s Henry. Henry is the name I’ve given to a mole that is destroying my back yard. And now it’s war.

Home Cooking for Husbands Who Don’t Cook –  I don’t claim to be the world’s greatest culinary expert, but recently, my wife encouraged me to start helping with the meals. I’m starting to get the hang of it. And if I can do it, then I can teach ANY husband how to cook.

My Trip to the Dentist – I used to hate going to the dentist. HATED IT! Until I learned about nitrous oxide and met the woman of my dreams in the dentist’s chair. Read about my change of heart here.

Turn left NOW! No, your OTHER left!! The joys of teaching your teenager to drive – Sooner or later, as a parent, your teenage son or daughter will ask you the question every parent dreads: Will you teach me how to drive? When that day comes, here are some valuable tips to keep your teenager from driving you insane, not to mention driving into oncoming traffic.

Fun and Leisure 

How I Got Crabs – We recently moved to an island where the favorite pastime in summer is to go crabbing. The people here love God, Country, Family and Crabbing – but if they had to pick only one, I’m pretty sure they’d pick crabbing.  Learn what you need to do if you want to get crabs. Perhaps I phrased that last sentence poorly.

A Night at the Opera – When it comes to cultural expansion, I draw the line at opera. That is, I did until recently, when my wife told me we were going to the opera. Read about my cultural immersion into the highbrow world of opera – or as I prefer to think of it, From Here to Eternity.

An American Tourist’s Guide to Vacationing in Italy – As a foremost expert on world travel, in this post I share everything an American needs to know to have a memorable vacation in Italy – and if all goes well, not get arrested.

Loser for Hire – I love to play sports. There’s just one problem. I’m actually not very good at it. People love to play me because they know they will have the satisfaction of winning. So, I’ve decided to offer my services for hire. If you’d like to feel better about yourself, just hire me to play you in any sport. You’ll feel like a winner in no time. Anybody up for a round of golf?

Love and Relationships 

Don’t Let Your Dishwasher Destroy Your Marriage – Being married for more than 30 years takes commitment and hard work, especially if you’re married to me.  Ours has survived many ups and downs. But it was a major household appliance that drove our marriage to its knees.  Read how we were able to overcome our differences about dirty dishes. 

Fifty Shades of White – When your wife asks you to go to Home Depot with her to pick out white paint for one of your rooms, be prepared for a long outing. You might want to request a couple vacation days. You’re going to be there a while. 

The Case Against Marriage Equality for Left-handed People – At the risk of offending both of my regular readers, it’s time I spoke up about something I feel passionately about. It’s time that the 90% of us right-handed Americans take our country back and stop letting left-handers marry and breed. Read my cogent argument for why we must take our nation back.

Memo to Our Kids: The Family Has Decided to Downsize – It was a difficult decision. But I looked at the future cash flow projections and our dwindling retirement fund, and I make the hard choice. I had to let our two kids go. But the severance package is more than fair, if you ask me. 

That’s it for this installment. If you’re still hanging in there, you can now check out PART 2 of this list, including a TOP TEN LIST of my own personal all-time favorite columns over the past ten years.

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Tim Jones

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

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Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2009 – 2019