So You’ve Been Asked to Come Back to the Office

So You’ve Been Asked to Come Back to the Office

Welcome back to the office. Your boss is excited to have you here. Don’t worry. You’ll get the hang of it. It will be just like it’s been for the past year – except that you’ll be expected to put in more than 3 hours of work during an 8-hour shift. And you won’t be able to play Minecraft during the weekly staff meeting because your boss will be sitting next to you, now that these sessions are no longer on Zoom.

Welcome back to the office. Your boss is excited to have you here. Don’t worry. You’ll get the hang of it. It will be just like it’s been for the past year – except that you’ll be expected to put in more than 3 hours of work during an 8-hour shift. And you won’t be able to play Minecraft during the weekly staff meeting because your boss will be sitting next to you, now that these sessions are no longer on Zoom.

So you’re going back to work soon, eh? Not to imply that you haven’t been working extremely hard all this time over the past year, your nose to the grindstone three dedicated hours a day (six hours if you count your time playing video games) – ever since you’d been ordered to work from home due to the pandemic. But you just received word that, for the first time in over a year, your employer is asking everybody to report for work at the office.

If you’re like most people, you’re probably greeting this news with mixed emotions. Sure, you’re excited finally to see all your co-workers again. But you’re also wondering if you’ll even remember what they look like. [Hint: they look the same as before – just 35 pounds heavier.]

Having, until recently, worked in a corporate office environment for most of my career, I thought it might be helpful if I reviewed some workplace basics, to prepare you for your transition back to the world of co-workers, company lunchrooms, and office gossip.

First of all, when you enter the office, that slightly annoyingly perky person greeting you is the receptionist. They can help you locate your desk since by now you’ve probably long since forgotten where you used to sit. [Another Hint: It will be in the form of a 5’ x 5’ cubicle with 4’ tall dividers – just like the cubicles everybody else has, except that your desk has been relocated to the basement.]

Feel free to personalize your workspace to capture your own unique style by displaying photos of people you care about, along with fun posters and knickknacks to let people see your fun, quirky spirit – just so long as your photos have been approved by Human Resources, and your cubicle adheres to the company’s new “no posters or knickknacks” policy.

That vaguely familiar plastic device on your desk – the one with a curly cord – is called a desk phone. It works much the same as your cell phone, except that your desk phone can’t check your Facebook feed, or play Angry Birds, or binge-watch Bridgerton. Okay, so it’s essentially useless. But it might make a ringing sound occasionally. If it does, you probably should answer it. It just might be your boss – either that or someone from HR, asking you to take down your Texas Chainsaw Massacre poster (it’s starting to creep people out).

That large white boxy-shaped machine in the hallway where people press buttons and curse at it is called a copier. When you’re in a hurry and you need to make copies of an important document, it will conveniently jam roughly 80% of the way through the run. But don’t worry, with help from three co-workers, you might be able to locate the source of the problem in under a half hour.

Check out your new socially distanced work space. Now you will have more safety and even less privacy than ever before. Your cubicle will look just like this, except that it’s in the basement with a peek-a-boo view of the dumpster.

Check out your new socially distanced work space. Now you will have more safety and even less privacy than ever before. Your cubicle will look just like this, except that it’s in the basement with a peek-a-boo view of the dumpster.

Since it’s been over 12 months since you last had to wear pants for work, let’s go over office attire etiquette. While pajama bottoms technically constitute a form of pants, you may not score points with your manager if you show up in them – unless you choose the PJs covered with images of your cat. It’s adorable. And let’s leave your Seattle Seahawks sweatpants at home too. Looks like they’ve not been washed since their heartbreaking loss to the Patriots in the 2015 Superbowl. (It’s really time to get over it, buddy.)

Personally, I think your bunny slippers are hilarious, but your annoyingly traditional stuff shirt of a boss might be a stickler for something they call “shoes.”

Also, while this may seem totally unfair, the office expects you there by 8am. Crazy, I know. So, you might want to update your previous routine of waking up at 9:30am if you plan to make it in on time.

When you get to the office, it’s a great idea to re-introduce yourself to your co-workers. It’s been so long, they might not recognize you with your beard and ponytail and the Hello Kitty lower back tattoo you got on a dare that you lost. And when you greet them, smile, and feign interest in their response. Perhaps don’t lead off by saying, “Hey, you looked way slimmer on Zoom than in person.”

When you greet one of your colleagues, for safety’s sake, don’t shake hands. Settle for a friendly elbow bump or an “air” high five – unless the other person is a total jerk and you’ve already been double vaccinated, in which case, go ahead and plant a fat, wet kiss on their cheek. They’ll steer clear of you from now on. However, you may get a visit from that same HR representative who has a thing about ghoulish movie posters. HR reps have no friends.

While the pandemic appears to be in decline, we’re not out of the woods just yet. Be patient. Please continue to wear a mask in the office until you are told otherwise by management. But don’t wear your mask over your eyes as an eye pillow – especially during the team meeting. It may be your go-to move for your daily 2pm nap, but the corporate policy on napping is a bit less lax back at the office.

When you’re stuck in a meeting you feel is a complete waste of your time, refrain from saying out loud that the presenter is an incompetent idiot and a bore. Your mute button only works in Zoom meetings – not during in-person meetings. I can’t stress this enough.

You will be asked to do your small part to keep COVID away by wiping down your desk, computer, phone, chair and office supplies with an antiseptic cleanser every 45 minutes. Remember to bring a new box of disinfecting wipes to work each day. No, you can’t expense it.

You will be asked to do your small part to keep COVID away by wiping down your desk, computer, phone, chair and office supplies with an antiseptic cleanser every 45 minutes. Remember to bring a new box of disinfecting wipes to work each day. No, you can’t expense it.

Oh, one more thing. See that large room with all the swivel chairs around a large mahogany table? That’s called a conference room. It’s typically going to be used by your boss when they convene a meeting where they will go around the room to scream at each team member about how they are failing to abide by the company’s new “no posters or knickknacks” policy.

Being stuck in a conference room is no fun. But don’t worry. You will only have to attend these meetings for a few weeks – until they realize that the vaccine you got does not protect you against the latest COVID variant and they need to send everybody back home again.

Before you know it, the next spike will hit, and you’ll be back on your couch, in your pajamas and bunny slippers, with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. Good luck beating your high score on Fortnite.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.

Never Accept a Ride From a Stranger

Never Accept a Ride From a Stranger

When you were young, remember how your parents told you never to get in a car with a strange man? Well, this is the harrowing true story of the time a young, innocent couple accepted a ride from a strange man. And by strange man, I mean ME. A cautionary tale.

When you were young, remember how your parents told you never to get in a car with a strange man? Well, this is the harrowing true story of the time a young, innocent couple accepted a ride from a strange man. And by strange man, I mean ME. A cautionary tale.

They seemed like such a lovely young couple, deeply in love. They had their whole life ahead of them. They were on their honeymoon, without a care in the world. And then, they made a fateful decision that just might change their destiny forever. They did something incredibly reckless and impulsive, as young people are wont to do. They accepted a ride from a complete stranger. I saw the whole thing unfold because, well, um, that stranger was me.

Austin and Ali from Kansas City, KS, were vacationing in the British Virgin Islands (BVI). I now realize that they probably would not like if it I mentioned them by name, so henceforth, I will refer to Austin and Ali as Jeff and Beth from Lawrence, KS, to protect their anonymity. They were on a day trip to an idyllic tropical island called Jost Van Dyke and had taken a taxi ride to a remote beach, where they were frolicking in the ocean waves.

Unfortunately for this innocent couple, there was someone else lurking nearby: ME – and my wife, Michele. It turned out that we had similar plans for today, as we too were on vacation, and we had recently been on our own honeymoon 34 years prior. Like them, we’d heard that the most incredible beach in the entire BVI was on the opposite side of this extremely rugged, mountainous island. Austin and Ali, I mean Jeff and Beth, had just one small problem. They had no car. They would have to call a taxi driver and wait another 30 to 40 minutes to be picked up.

That’s when they made what could only be described as the worst lapse in judgment of their very young marriage, They accepted my offer to drive them to the other beach, The four of us piled into our cramped Suzuki hatchback rental car, whose main power source, I can only surmise, based on this experience, must have been four AA batteries.

This is Ali and Austin, I mean Beth and Jeff, a lovely couple on their honeymoon. Don’t they look sweet? Well, within minutes of this photo, they’d be praying to God to let them survive the ordeal I would soon inflict on them.

This is Ali and Austin, I mean, Beth and Jeff, a lovely couple on their honeymoon. Don’t they look sweet? Well, within minutes of this photo, they’d be praying to God to let them survive the ordeal I would soon inflict on them.

I was the driver, Michele the navigator. A word about roads in BVI. Even the very best of them are bad, filled with potholes, way too narrow, no lane divider markers, and extremely twisty, with lots of blind hairpin turns. And you have to confront all these obstacles while mastering driving on the wrong side of the street. But today, there wasn’t a “best road” in sight. No, we unwittingly embarked on a fool’s errand to test my driving skills on the most grueling road I would ever attempt in my life.

Michele consulted Google Maps on her phone for the quickest way to get across the island to the other beach. Apparently, the app must have thought we were using a helicopter or a zeppelin because the route it selected took us right over the very top of the island. Or perhaps the BVI version of Google Maps was designed by Satan. Because someone was out to get us this day.

I apparently missed the sign that said, “CAUTION: ONLY IDIOTS ARE PERMITTED TO TAKE THIS ROUTE” because within one minute, we had diverged from a paved surface and found ourselves routed to a dirt and gravel path barely wide enough for one vehicle.

I recall distinctly asking Michele, “Are you sure we’re on the right road? This doesn’t look right,” to which she calmly replied, “Yes, I’m sure. Google says this is the most direct route.” And of course, by “direct route,” what Google apparently meant was the most direct route to ensure your imminent death.

Very quickly, I realized we had made a horrible navigational error in choosing to go this way. If this route qualified to be considered “a road”, then having watched two seasons of Grey’s Anatomy qualified me to be “considered” a brain surgeon.

While this is not our vehicle or our road, this is a lot like the road we took, only safer.

While this is not our vehicle or our road, this is a lot like the road we took, only safer.

The trek became steeper and steeper, and narrower and narrower. The cliffs were easy to see because there were no pesky guard rails to block my view of the 1000-foot sheer drop-off. The further we drove, the rougher the terrain got. The boulders got bigger, the ruts deeper, and in many places we were attempting to scale an incline with a 45 degree angle or higher, sometimes transitioning to a switchback requiring us to make a sharp blind hairpin turn while accelerating up a steep uphill.

If there had been someone driving from the other direction, one of us would have had to make the very difficult choice to drive off the cliff, because there was no way we could pass each other on this narrow obstacle course. But I needn’t have worried about the possibility of someone coming at me from the other direction, because there was no way more than one idiot would try to cross this Highway to Hell.

As all our heads jostled up and down uncontrollably with every bump, like cheaply made bobble head dolls, I wondered what Jeff and Beth must have been thinking: “Lord, we will go to church every Sunday for the rest of our lives if you’ll just deliver us from this nightmare” or maybe, “Why did you agree to get a ride from a complete stranger? Maybe he’s a serial killer. Or worse – a Suzuki used car salesman!” 

The further I drove, the worse conditions became, Then I noticed that the pitch of the thoroughfare sloped noticeably to the right, and I had to fight to keep the car from drifting rightward, towards the cliff. Going downhill wasn’t any easier. I kept pumping the brakes over and over, to keep this freight train from barreling off the cliff as I tried to negotiate one 160 degree turn after another. But I stoically kept my fears to myself, so as not to alarm our passengers – except for the four or five brief moments when I came upon yet another gut-wrenching hairpin turn and I blurted out, “HOLY SH*T, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”

I’ve been to Italy’s ancient star-crossed city of Pompeii. Two thousand years later, their roads still were in better condition than what I had to contend with. During our nerve-racking ordeal, I was increasingly worried that this might end badly. I had visions of the lead story on CNN the next day: “HONEYMOON COUPLE MURDERED BY TERRORIST SUICIDE DRIVER,” followed by a related story on how Suzuki hatchbacks are not recommended for off-road travel.

Can you find a road in this picture? Neither could we. But this is a photo of the road we took. In many sections it was almost impossible to tell where the road was. This is a “road” my ass, Google!

Can you find a road in this picture? Neither could we. But this is a photo of the road we took. In many sections it was almost impossible to tell where the road was. This is a “road” my ass, Google!

This misguided journey took us over the literal peak of the island, through what was inarguably the most treacherous terrain I had ever attempted. If you could ignore the fact that in minutes we were all most likely going to perish in an agonizing 1000-foot crash, I have to say, the panoramic view from up here was rather magical.

After what felt like three days, but was probably closer to 40 minutes, we reached the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen: a paved street. Somehow I had delivered the newlywed couple to their destination physically in one piece (albeit emotionally in tatters). I thought about asking them for $25 for having provided them with a thrilling memory they would undoubtedly tell their grandkids one day, but Michele thought that would be in poor taste.

Hopefully, someday Jeff and Beth will be able to forgive me for the terrifying experience I put them through. Maybe they’ll even laugh about it. They had to head back home to Kansas the next day. I briefly thought about offering them a lift to the airport. But something told me they’d probably prefer a taxi instead.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021

Does Anybody Need Mustard?

Does Anybody Need Mustard?

If you check out our pantry, you may notice we have no shortage of condiments. At last count, we had enough mustard to top 3 million hotdogs – the long ones.

If you check out our pantry, you may notice we have no shortage of condiments. At last count, we had enough mustard to top 3 million hotdogs – the long ones.

Quick question: Do you need any mustard? We’ve got tons to spare. That’s because while I do the grocery shopping, it’s my wife who makes up the grocery list. And there the problem starts. You’d think in making a shopping list one would check current inventory. Not my wife. Perhaps it’s a Canadian thing (she is from Toronto).

Hence, we currently have seven jars of mustard. In full disclosure, that’s just a guesstimate. There could be more hidden in the medicine cabinet or in my wife’s art supply closet. You see, my wife also takes charge of putting away the groceries, and she has a peculiar storage system.

Don’t get me wrong. My wife is wonderful, but she does fall short in a few areas – starting with her height of 5’0”. Not sure what my point was. Oh, now I remember. My wife’s organizational skills are roughly on par with those of a schnauzer.

Think of that cute dog with 10 bones. What’s he going to do with them all? Bury them around the yard, of course, never to be used because he forgot where he put them all. That’s my wife with a jar of capers. No, she doesn’t normally dig in the dirt, but I swear we have jars of capers buried in every closet. Far be it for me to suggest she place it neatly on the lower shelf of the pantry, next to the other five jars she forgot we had.

My spouse is equally gifted at not putting away her clothes and not loading the dishwasher, not to mention not emptying said dishwasher. But I digress. Back to mustard. We could fill a small swimming pool with all the Grey Poupon we have – if we had a swimming pool.

So, if you happen to need any Dijon, just text me. Happy to pass it along. I’ll even throw in some cinnamon, balsamic vinegar, and baked beans from our hefty cache. But order fast! We only have enough to get through the pandemic – if it continues until 2029. And if you want to serve soup to an intimate gathering of 130 guests, come peruse our stash of Campbell’s Chicken Vegetable. I’m pretty sure I got you covered.

I’m not sure when my wife began hoarding and hiding, but I found a clue on a mayonnaise jar that was stuffed behind 9 boxes of kitty litter. It read, “Use by June 1989.” Interesting. It turns out her affliction extends beyond food stuffs. I was housecleaning earlier today and discovered that we also have plenty of Windex, bath & tile cleaner, and cold medicine, enough to last well past my own expiration date (2050).

I’m half-tempted to deliberately catch a cold just to clear out some inventory. We also have a small mountain of post-it notes. I’m confident I could cover all four walls of our bedroom with them, floor to ceiling, and still have some left over. I think I’ll use a post-it note to tell her to stop buying so many post-it notes.

We could throw pillows out the window all day long and still have enough to supply our entire community. Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. A few couples may need to share.

We could throw pillows out the window all day long and still have enough to supply our entire community. Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. A few couples may need to share.

Thanks to my life partner of 33 years, we are the proud owners of enough Ziploc bags to pack lunches for the entire school district – K through 12. If I display the temerity to point out that perhaps we don’t actually need a seventh roll of aluminum foil, my wife will quickly change the subject, saying something random like, “Well, then. Care to explain why you feel we need five bags of grass seed and four bags of weed killer, which I found yesterday in the outdoor storage bin?” 

I have no clue what her point is. Besides, I think we’re drifting from the premise of this commentary, which is that my wife never checks how much stuff we have before adding it to the shopping list. Let’s stay focused here, okay?

My darling wife has also stockpiled an impressive supply of hair scissors, band aids, gauze, and stain remover – all in the laundry cupboard. I have no idea why she needs all this. My current theory is she’s planning on cutting me to ribbons in my sleep (scissors) for constantly nagging her about her excessive acquisitions; then, in a moment of regret, she will attempt to save me (gauze and bandages). After which, she will insist I clean up the blood (stain remover). It’s just a theory. There may be a different, more nefarious explanation.

Perhaps I should take over writing the shopping list and let my wife do the shopping instead. Fortunately, there’s an ACE Hardware next to the IGA grocery, so on her next trip she can swing by there and pick up a bag of grass seed and weed killer.  Make that two bags. I think we may be running low.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021. Edited by Betsy Jones.

Trump Announces His Official Precedential Liebrary

Trump Announces His Official Precedential Liebrary

A sneak preview of one possible design for the Trump Liebrary, Resort and Casino, expected to be the first presidential library ever to include only one book, the Bible. It will also feature the largest collection of porn videos of any presidential library.

A sneak preview of one possible design for the Trump Liebrary, Resort and Casino, expected to be the first presidential library ever to include only one book, the Bible. It will also feature the largest collection of porn videos of any presidential library.

Mar-a-Lago, FL – President Trump today revealed his long-awaited plans for his presidential library. It will officially be known as the Donald J. Trump Precedential Liebrary, Resort, Casino and Adult Video Store.

In a press briefing, Mr. Trump announced, “This will be the biggest, greatest, most beautiful precedential liebrary in history – way better than Obama’s or even Washington’s.” [Editor’s note: President Washington never had a presidential library. The first one was for Franklin D. Roosevelt, dedicated in 1941. Also, we know, “Presidential” is misspelled, but Trump’s aides were afraid to point this out to him.]

The exact location has not yet been announced, but sources wishing not to be named indicate it may be adjacent to a Las Vegas Hooters or an adult video store in Queens.

Preliminary drawings feature a grand entrance surrounded by flashing lights a la Las Vegas’ Flamingo Casino, with the letters TRUMP in 14-foot tall brass lettering. Upon entering the tasteful, gold-plated palace, visitors will be greeted by a 30-foot bronze sculpture of the president (perfectly matching his natural bronze skin tone). An enormous mouth will blast  recordings of Trump’s most inspirational rage speeches, including top hits “How the election was rigged” and “There was no collusion.” From there, guests descend to the main reception area, riding a 14-carat gold escalator – an exact replica of the one Trump rode down to announce his 2016 run. There, sojourners will be swept away by bikini-clad models (all guaranteed to be at least 9’s), wearing a MAGA hats and wet t-shirts.

In a conscious decision to veer away from the traditional boring presidential library, Trump’s edifice will spotlight just two memorable publications: Trump’s own Art of The Deal (Kindle version) – the biggest selling book in history – and the never-before opened copy of the Holy Bible which Trump held up in Lafayette Square, displayed upside down to ward off Black Lives Matter protestors.

First time visitors will definitely want to check out the Alternate Facts Reading Room. From over 5,000 riveting articles readers will learn the real truth. Included are inspirational rants by Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones about Trump’s 2020 landslide election victory – even in California. Folks will be briefed on how windmills cause cancer and Trump’s heroic efforts to make COVID magically disappear before Easter – which he would have achieved if not for Nancy Pelosi blocking his efforts to Make America Safe Again. A highlight is the authentic photos of the 2016 inauguration with the biggest crowds in history.

Above: A rough schematic of the Trump Presidential Liebrary floor plan. The exact location of the Stormy Daniels / Playboy Model Display is yet to be finalized.

Above: A rough schematic of the Trump Presidential Liebrary floor plan. The exact location of the Stormy Daniels / Playboy Model Display is yet to be finalized.

The centerpiece of the liebrary will be the Hall of Historic Tweets. Here, more than 30,000 of the President’s most compelling Twitter posts will be projected as a blinding mural of images on every surface of the giant hall, floor to ceiling, to mesmerize  patriotic museum-goers. Topics will range from “I totally won the first debate against Sleepy Joe” to “Unlike Obama, as president I will not have time to golf” to “I’m the greatest president in history – okay, maybe tied with Lincoln” and many more. It is estimated that the average patron could while away two years reading all the tweets on display.

In the highly anticipated Trump Ballroom of Bankruptcy, listen to a heartwarming documentary by Fox’s Lou Dobbs, elucidating why none of the six bankruptcies or twelve failed businesses, from Trump Airlines to Trump Wines to Trump University, were Trump’s fault.

Over at the Omni Donald Dome, guests will revel in a larger than life montage of Trump’s most momentous campaign rallies. A 3-D hologram of Trump dancing to the Village People’s song YMCA is said to be so lifelike it will almost feel like he cares about you.

There’s even something for sports enthusiasts. Trump, widely known as the greatest presidential golfer in history, has plans to devote one room to instructional golf. Robots will demonstrate Trump’s time-tested techniques, including Putting with Impunity, and our favorite, Cheating Your Way to Irrefutable Victory.

Another attraction that is likely to be a YUGE hit with Trump supporters is the Sycophancy Amphitheater, sponsored by Fox News. Watch objectively researched videos detailing why Trump is the greatest military strategist and humanitarian ever to occupy the Oval Office – not to mention the handsomest lover (so we won’t). Tributes are effusively proclaimed by respected journalists from Tucker Carlson to Sean Hannity, while the narration by Kayleigh McEnany is so moving you just might not believe what you’re hearing. 

Grab your seat at the Not-So-Hottie Hippodrome, which will star lifelike statues of dozens of women Trump has accused of being ugly, nasty, or mean to him. We’re told the Rosie O’Donnell bust is simply revolting.

One of the most moving exhibits will be the Hall of Flags, with hundreds of American flags proudly waving, all of which have been personally groped by Donald Trump himself.

Avid supporters of the president won’t want to miss Conspiracy Corridor, sponsored by Q-Anon. This exhibit presents the President proving beyond a doubt twenty of his favorite conspiracy theories. Featured interviews will reveal how Hillary Clinton ran a child sex ring underneath a DC pizza parlor, Obama really was born in Kenya, and Mexico will definitely pay for the wall.

In the Omni Donnie Dome IMAX Theater, museum goers will catch a glimpse of prototypes for Trump’s likeness to be added to Mount Rushmore. Everyone agrees, it will be very tasteful.

In the Omni Donnie Dome IMAX Theater, museum goers will catch a glimpse of prototypes for Trump’s likeness to be added to Mount Rushmore. Everyone agrees, it will be very tasteful.

Liebrary planners didn’t forget about the kids. Youngsters will have a ball sliding down the MEGA-MAGA White-Water Wash – a 300-foot-long slide shaped to resemble one of Trump’s signature endless red ties. Teenagers can hang out in the Apprentice Arena, where they get to decide which of the randomly selected low-wage workers from all over America to fire. All termination decisions will be backed by the presidential seal of authority.

A spokesperson estimates the cost of admission to be a mere $500 (or $5,000 for the Swinger’s Suite VIP pass). Visitors will receive a MAGA hat and a gold-framed 8 x 12 print displaying a realistic likeness of Trump with six-pack abs, dressed as Superman, and shaking hands with Jesus.

All proceeds will go to charity, specifically the Trump Legal Defense Fund, to help the soon-to-be former president fend off the multiple fake news criminal and civil lawsuits he might face in the years ahead.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.

States Propose Bold Measures to Prevent Voter Fraud

States Propose Bold Measures to Prevent Voter Fraud

[Author’s note: The following is political satire. Anyone who can’t figure this out should legally not be allowed to vote. – TEJ]

According to 43 state legislatures, the problem with our election system isn’t voter suppression. It’s massive voter fraud. Read what states are proposing to solve the problem of Democrat victories once and for all.

According to 43 state legislatures, the problem with our election system isn’t voter suppression. It’s massive voter fraud. Read what states are proposing to solve the problem of Democrat victories once and for all.

Thanks to the patriotic efforts of former and future President Donald Trump, it is now widely accepted that the only reason he lost the 2020 election was due to massive voter fraud perpetrated by his opponent. This was conclusively proven by election security experts including Rudy Giuliani, the My Pillow Guy, and several nearly grammatical tweets by MAGAMark1776@StopTheSteal, who said he is sure the election was stolen because QAnon told him so.

The Trump campaign and Republican Party officials would have won every one of the 63 election lawsuits they lost in every state and federal court if not for the fact that all the judges – including  Trump’s three Supreme Court picks – were in on the steal, along with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Hillary, Obama, Bill Gates, and Meryl Streep, not to mention 81 million people who illegally voted for the other guy.

In the aftermath of the sweeping election fraud in the 2020 election, state legislators in 43 states have introduced over 250 pieces of voter security legislation designed to prevent Trump from losing next time. If enacted, these measures, aimed at preventing lawless radicals from overturning our democracy, will ensure that only people who are verifiably identified to be American citizens who have lawfully registered to vote should be entitled to cast a vote, thus guaranteeing that the RIGHT candidate will always win.

Freedom-hating naysayers continue to push the outrageous lie that these thoughtful bills submitted by Republicans are  in some way “voter suppression” attempts in the guise of voter security. But that’s simply not so. Without these critically needed voter security protections, the bills’ sponsors argue there will be no way for the candidate with fewer votes ever to stand a chance at winning any future elections.

“Without these long overdue safeguards to protect our election security, our nation runs the risk of letting radical leftist  pedophile candidates win all future presidential elections for no other reason than that they offer more qualified candidates with more popular ideas. It’s just not fair,” said Ron Johnson, Republican Senator of Wisconsin.

Here is a review of some of the landmark democracy-preserving statutes currently being debated in state legislatures throughout the nation. 

North Carolina: “No excuse” absentee voting would be eliminated, except for members of the armed forces serving overseas. Moving forward, in order to vote by mail, all others will be required to receive a physician’s note – witnessed by two notary publics who are fluent in Dutch – attesting to the fact that the person cannot physically vote in person because they are dying of cancer and have less than 10 days to live. 

In the Georgia state legislature, a bill is being introduced in which anyone who has ever LIKED a post by Stacey Abrams on social media will henceforth be deemed a member of Antifa and ineligible to vote.

In the Georgia state legislature, a bill is being introduced in which anyone who has ever LIKED a post by Stacey Abrams on social media will henceforth be deemed a member of Antifa and ineligible to vote.

Kentucky: Due to a chronic problem of people depositing ballots in drop box locations rather than standing in line like normal patriots, henceforth, all voting drop box locations will be eliminated, except for in zip codes where the average household income is over $250,000, in which case, drop-boxes will be provided at the end of their driveways. 

Arkansas: For years, black churches, in conjunction with civil rights organizations, have worked to increase minority voter turnout by assisting parishioners to register or vote immediately after Sunday church services. If enacted, this bill would ban the so-called “Souls to the Polls” initiatives and replace them with a new policy, “Souls to Paroles,” in which minority church goers would be required to check in at the nearest parole board for a background check regarding any possible parole violations before being allowed to vote. 

Louisiana: Concerned by an inexplicable surge in voting by young people in the 2020 election, the state legislature is advancing a draft which would make people under the age of 25 ineligible to vote – unless they can present proof that they find Bernie Sanders annoying. 

Wyoming: In a bold measure aimed at eliminating all voter fraud, the state legislature recently introduced a proposal to make it a misdemeanor, punishable by a $10,000 fine and up to two years in jail, for knowingly voting for – or influencing another person to vote for – any candidate who does not own at least three guns or who disagrees with the statement “Climate change is a hoax.” 

Missouri: In an attempt to purge the state’s voter registration database of voters who may have died, moved away, or once voted to fund Planned Parenthood, the Secretary of State will initiate a massive purge of voter rolls. It is expected that this effort alone will eliminate over 400,000 bogus voters, including several hundred deceased names, over 1,000 people no longer living in the state, and 398,000 registered Democrats. 

Oklahoma: In a cost control resolution aimed at reducing the cost of election security, the legislature is considering a move to reduce the number of voting locations from 1,500 to four. To avoid having to stand in long lines, people will be encouraged to vote by mail, so long as they sign an affidavit pledging that they think Melania was a better First Lady than Michelle Obama.

In Tennessee, all Republican voters will be invited to use any of the 4,800 available drop box locations statewide. Democrat voters will be instructed to use any of the four convenient drop boxes located in Pidgeon Forge, TN, between the hours of 9pm and 11pm, on Tuesdays.

In Tennessee, all Republican voters will be invited to use any of the 4,800 available drop box locations statewide. Democrat voters will be instructed to use any of the four convenient drop boxes located in Pidgeon Forge, TN, between the hours of 9pm and 11pm, on Tuesdays.

Texas: To prevent loitering, the Texas state legislature is reviewing a measure to fine anyone found at a polling station just “hanging out” with no clear purpose other than to vote, who refuses to disperse within 60 minutes. Anyone caught in the act of providing these loiterers with a chair for their comfort or water or other beverage will be fined and lose their right to vote unless they can provide a valid Republican party registration ID. 

Alabama: Early voting has for years allowed people with nefarious motives to vote up to 21 days prior to the election. With this bill, early voting will be banned, as a way to prevent systemic voter fraud. Only votes submitted on election day will be counted. The sponsored legislation goes on to explain that in an effort to avoid long lines at the polls, Republican voters will be required to vote on election day. All others will be instructed to vote the day after the election by depositing their votes in the nearest designated official recycling bin. 

Mississippi: Under the state’s historic initiative, anyone who is black or gay will henceforth be ineligible to vote. No further explanation was provided nor considered necessary.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.