Trump Exposes Obama’s Long History of Scandals

Trump Exposes Obama’s Long History of Scandals

[Author’s note for the humor-impaired: This is political satire. It is not an actual letter from Trump. I can’t believe I need to include this disclaimer. Geez. – TEJ]


This is your 45th President, Donald J. Trump, here to set the record straight. Lately the Radical Left’s FAKE NEWS media has been airing a series of horrible lies about me and the roughly 47 federal and state civil and criminal investigations targeting me – all of which are totally made-up racist witch hunts.

Every single lawsuit is based on nasty lies. I mean, who are you going to believe: 500 newspapers, most major news networks, the Department of Justice, the House January 6th Committee, the FBI, Attorneys General from multiple states, constitutional scholars, Harvard Law professors, and Liz Cheney? Or me?

All the people attacking me are just jealous they’re not as rich, powerful, or successful as me. I will soon be restored to the White House where I belong. If you don’t believe me, just ask any of my 437 million loyal QAnon followers. They are great people. They love me. And I love them (so long as they help me win in 2024).

My fellow Americans, this is your rightful president, Donald Trump. I’m here to set the record straight. When it comes to corruption, I’m like a perfect Eagle scout compared to the countless nasty crimes and scandals of Obama. Next to Obama, I’m better than Jesus.

My fellow Americans, this is your rightful president, Donald Trump. I’m here to set the record straight. When it comes to corruption, I’m like a perfect Eagle scout compared to the countless nasty crimes and scandals of Obama. Next to Obama, I’m better than Jesus.

I didn’t want to write you this letter (along with my request that you send me another $100 for my legal defense fund). I really didn’t, but if people are going to attack me over a few minor misunderstandings, then I need to fight back. So I’m here to tell you that what they’re trying to dig up on me is nothing compared to the thousands – maybe hundreds of thousands (nobody really knows for sure how deep the corruption goes) of shocking scandals committed by my predecessor while he was in office.

First, all those documents I took to Mar-a-Lago were mine – except for the ones that the FBI planted there. I de-classified all of the documents – even the nuclear codes – like any president has the absolute right to do. All I had to do was simply close my eyes, click my heels, and say three times, “There’s nobody as smart as me.”

But Obama has literally thousands and thousand of documents he stole from the White House at the end of his presidency. He is keeping them – totally against the law, mind you – at his own secret hideout, which the leftwing media and the radical National Archives call “The Barack Obama Presidential Library.” And he refuses to give any of them back. That’s because he’s worried I’ll finally locate his Kenyan birth certificate. It’s probably hidden in some file cabinet in the basement, right next to Hillary’s emails. At least, that’s what Mike (My Pillow) Lindell told me.

And now New York state’s racist, incompetent Attorney General Latitia James has filed a civil lawsuit trying to wipe out my business and go after my three kids, Ivanka, Don Jr, and whatever the other one’s called. She claims I have committed dozens of examples of tax fraud and bank fraud by misrepresenting the values of my real estate holdings. That’s an insane lie and an attack on our country.

If you look at the fine print at the back of the appendix, written in Latin, you’ll see in each document that it says, “The estimated value may be off by a factor of 2,000 percent. I cannot be held liable for any misstatements of value because, let’s face it, I don’t read.” So, if the banks and the IRS relied on my written statements, well, frankly, that’s on them. Besides, who really knows what anything’s worth these days with the market as volatile as it is?”

But whatever minor rounding errors in estimating the value of my properties may have occurred, that’s nothing compared to the financial scandals lurking in B. HUSSEIN Obama’s closet. He sold his house in Chicago for $15,000 OVER-ASKING, in a down market. And the inspection failed to report that the wood floors totally needed to be re-finished. Very suspicious if you ask me. Why isn’t anybody investigating that?

When Biden stole the 2020 election, it was the biggest fraud in our nation’s history – unless you count the time Obama said he’d get us out of Afghanistan – and didn’t!. Okay, so I didn’t either, but he didn’t do it first, so it’s totally his fault. Such a liar.

Obama should have been impeached for this fashion faux pas alone. A beige suit in the White House? Seriously? And his boring tie didn’t even go all the way down to his crotch like my ties do. Truly criminal.

Obama should have been impeached for this fashion faux pas alone. A beige suit in the White House? Seriously? And his boring tie didn’t even go all the way down to his crotch like my ties do. Truly criminal.

Ask any MAGA supporter of mine. They’ll tell you that the 2020 election was stolen. And the only proof the Dems have to offer is that their candidate got 7 million more votes than me. But most of those were from mail-in voters (and blacks and gays), so those votes should never have been counted.

After the election, I created my totally legit Election Defense Fund and raised over $250 million. Now the January 6th Fake Select Committee is claiming I ripped off all those donors. And their only argument is that they can’t find any evidence the Election Defense Fund ever existed. I say, they’re not looking hard enough.

They also claim I pocketed all the money for my own personal gain. But that’s simply not true. I split the money with Jared, Ivanka, and some Saudi friends who guaranteed that if I needed to move there I could not be extradited. Besides, if my supporters want to give me their money, that’s their patriotic right to do that. Did I mention, they love me?

But Obama once was caught stealing from the American people in broad daylight. He stole an entire pack of Topps Major League Baseball cards. And yet he never served a single day at Guantanamo. Perhaps because he was seven at the time. Lame excuse.

A tiny number of women – by which I mean way less than a hundred – have accused me of sexual assault or rape. But they’re all liars – like Stormy Daniels, who claimed I paid her $130,000 to stay quiet about our affair. Not true. I only paid her $100K. (The other $30K was for an espresso maker she sold me.)

Again, this is little league stuff compared to Obama. While president, he was caught helping a woman undress in the Lincoln Bedroom. I refuse to believe his lame explanation that the woman was his wife Michelle and she had just gotten her dress’s zipper stuck.

Because of all the pressure of being president, I will admit that I golfed now and then. I can’t count the exact number of times I golfed at Mar-a-Lago or one of my other resorts at taxpayer expense. I want to say seven, but I could be off by a couple (thousand). But according to Rudy, Obama golfed over 25,000 times during his presidency – that’s practically all he ever did. So lazy. And not once in all of those outings did he ever score a hole-in-one. But I made ten holes in one while president. Just ask Lindsay Graham. He’ll vouch for me. (Because I totally own him.)

Speaking of cheating, I was told by Sean Hannity that he once saw Obama blatantly foul Rep. Louie Gomert in a pickup basketball game with members of Congress. He clearly shoved Louie in the process of shooting. But Obama got away scot-free. No charges were ever filed. Clearly the ref was on the take.

Obama claimed he advocated healthy eating. He said he liked arugula. What is arugula, anyway? Probably some Muslim food. But he lied. Here he is eating a chili dog at the Iowa State Fair. What a hypocrite – something no one has ever accused me of being – EVER!

Obama claimed he advocated healthy eating. He said he liked arugula. What is arugula, anyway? Probably some Muslim food. But he lied. Here he is eating a chili dog at the Iowa State Fair. What a hypocrite – something no one has ever accused me of being – EVER!

But perhaps the biggest scandal of all is that Obama was even allowed to serve as president in the first place. In addition to not being born here, and secretly being a Muslim terrorist, he’s black. Since when did we allow those kind of people to run for the presidency?

When I’m restored to the throne in 2024, I will put an end to allowing blacks and other minorities to hold political office – or vote or live near me. In the meantime, keep following me on my Truth Social. Check out today’s post in which I reveal the shocking truth about Joe Biden: When he was a kid, he used to stutter. Such a loser.

Your Majesty Your REAL President,

 

 

 

Donald J. Trump

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

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What You Should Know About Pickleball, America’s Favorite Sport

What You Should Know About Pickleball, America’s Favorite Sport

Pickleball is the fastest growing sport in the country. Why? Personally, my theory is because it’s easy to learn and requires minimal skill or physical exertion – and if you fall, there are three people who can drive you to the hospital.

Pickleball is the fastest growing sport in the country. Why? Personally, my theory is because it’s easy to learn and requires minimal skill or physical exertion – and if you fall, there are three people who can drive you to the hospital.

By now, unless you’re living in a cave somewhere in the steppes of Mongolia, you’ve no doubt heard about the fastest growing sport in North America: Pickleball. And if by some odd circumstance you ARE living in a cave in the steppes of Mongolia, how in the heck did this article reach you? Just curious.

As for the rest of us non-Mongolian-steppes-cave dwellers, it seems that everybody is taking up the sport of pickleball – including me. So, here is a quick primer on what you’re missing and what you need to know in case you were curious what all the buzz was about.

Even though few people had ever heard of this sport until three years ago, it’s actually been around a fairly long time: Invented in 1965 by three people from Bainbridge Island, WA, it was named after the dog of one of the three inventors. The dog’s name was “Ball.” I meant to say “Pickles.” I’m just glad his owner gave his dog a normal name like Pickles instead of their original naming idea: Lord Chesterton of Belvedere. Otherwise we’d all be talking about LordChestertonofBelvedereBall.

The first thing you should know about LordChestertonofBelvedereBall, l mean Pickleball, is that you MUST BE OLD in order to play. In most states, the legal minimum is 60 years old. But check the applicable age restrictions in your region. (In North Dakota, you must be 85 – I have no idea why.) The penalty for underage pickleballing is being forced to watch old people play pickleball. Personally, that strikes me as cruel and unusual punishment.

This sport has become wildly popular all throughout America. According to one study, pickleball surged by nearly 40% between 2019 and 2021 to 4.8 million active players. Compare that to the Mayan sport of Pitz, a team sport popular in ancient Mesoamerica which involves a heavy rubber ball that teams try to get through a hoop on the wall. That sport’s popularity has declined markedly to the point that you almost never hear the results of a Pitz match on ESPN anymore. Experts theorize that its dramatic decline in popularity was because it’s a very difficult game to play – and because the losing team’s players had to be sacrificed to the gods.

In stark contrast, in pickleball, losing players are almost never sacrificed to the gods. At worst, they may have to buy a round of beer for their winning opponents at the neighborhood pub. Why is this sport so popular? The answer is that it’s easy to learn, takes only nominal skill to enjoy (a definite plus for me), and does not require much moving around. Perfect for seniors or anyone who is chronically lazy.

The box closest to the net is the KITCHEN. Don’t even think of standing here. If If you’re caught volleying while in the kitchen, you’ll be shunned from all future pickleball matches and pelted with wiffle balls. Pickleballers are a tough crowd.

The box closest to the net is the KITCHEN. Don’t even think of standing here. If If you’re caught volleying while in the kitchen, you’ll be shunned from all future pickleball matches and pelted with wiffle balls. Pickleballers are a tough crowd.

And thanks to COVID, the sport took off in the past two years, as people looked for a safe way to interact with others that did not require them to be indoors or talk about whether they’ve been vaccinated.

Increasingly, longtime tennis and racquetball players have started transitioning to pickleball. This is because they’re getting older and slower, and their younger, faster former tennis / racquetball partners have hinted to them, “Have you ever considered switching to pickleball, buddy?”

Pickleball blends aspects of ping pong, tennis, racquetball, and Pitz – but mostly just the first three aforementioned sports – to create a game that moves quickly and gives players a false sense that they are actually getting a lot of vigorous exercise. They are not.

The game can be played as a singles game between two players or doubles with four. In rare instances, there have been groups of up to 20 players on the court at once, but that’s mostly just when Ms. Warner’s kindergarten class at Beaverton Elementary School storms the pickleball court in in an attempt to create chaos. Kindergarteners are notoriously bad at following the rules of pickleball – or for that matter any other rule Ms. Warner asks them to obey.

To play the game, all you need are a net (slightly lower in height than a tennis court net), a paddle, a wiffle ball, and the ability to count to 11. Skill is not a pre-requisite to play this sport, as evidenced by the fact that several people familiar with my lack of athletic ability have invited me to play.

The rules of pickleball are simple:

  • The ball must land inbounds.
  • Serving must be done at the baseline.
  • The ball must bounce once per side the first two times over the net.
  • The serve must land beyond the back line of the kitchen.
  • Games are played to 11 (win by 2).
If you’re a senior looking for a new sport, and pickleball is not your thing, there are many other sports you can consider. This amazing 78-year-old woman even tried her luck at javelin. Unfortunately, she was facing the wrong direction and almost impaled her Yorkie, Daisy. I’m happy to report Daisy was shaken but otherwise unharmed.

If you’re a senior looking for a new sport, and pickleball is not your thing, there are many other sports you can consider. This amazing 78-year-old woman even tried her luck at javelin. Unfortunately, she was facing the wrong direction and almost impaled her Yorkie, Daisy. I’m happy to report Daisy was shaken but otherwise unharmed.

At this point, you may be asking, “Tim, what is the kitchen?” Glad to see you’re paying attention and didn’t bail after you read the part about Mongolian steppes cave dwellers. Well, the kitchen is an area next to the net where players are not allowed to volley.

“Why is it called the kitchen, Tim?” Because calling it the “laundry room” just sounded silly.

“But Tim, why can’t you volley in the kitchen?” I have no idea why, okay? I didn’t make up this sport. No more questions, please! You’re starting to get annoying.

Pickleball is often played on tennis courts. They paint the pickleball court lines in a different color to help avoid confusion with the tennis boundaries. This is irritating to tennis players. But this is just a short-term problem because within five years, there will be nobody left who still plays tennis. Such a pity.

So, if you’re over 60 and you’re looking for a way to become more active and meet lots of interesting people, my advice is this: Try golf or basketball or kayaking or aerobic water jazzercise. But if none of those sounds like your cup of tea, then definitely give pickleball a try. But if that still sounds like too much effort, then maybe shuffleboard is more your style. I hear it’s making a comeback.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos. And check out my new book, THE SECRET TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS (is Something I Have Never Figured Out. I’ Open to Suggestions).

Put Down Your Dumbbell – Exercise Your Smart Bell Instead

Put Down Your Dumbbell – Exercise Your Smart Bell Instead

Ever since I was young, competing to earn a spot on my high school’s freshman track team, I have regularly exercised. So much so that when I was 35, I even competed in the New York City Marathon. I say I “competed” because that sounds much more impressive than “I jogged and walked” and gives the impression I might have stood a chance of winning. Alas, I came in 5,217th – barely overtaken by the other 5,216 runners ahead of me.

New research shows that exercise can be all in your mind. You can tone your muscles by thinking. So put down the weights and exercise those brain cells instead. And have a carrot. It’s healthier than those M&M’s you’ve been eyeing.

New research shows that exercise can be all in your mind. You can tone your muscles by thinking. So put down the weights and exercise those brain cells instead. And have a carrot. It’s healthier than those M&M’s you’ve been eyeing.

Over the years, I have jogged, cycled, used the treadmill, lifted weights, swam, and played against my brother John in the Summer Olympics on Play Station 4, all in an effort to lose weight and build muscle tone in pursuit of those impossible-to-achieve six-pack abs. The results could only be described as disappointing, as anyone who’s seen me without a shirt on lately will attest.

That’s why I’m thrilled to announce I am never going to exercise again. Ever! From now on, I will just think about it. That’s because, I just read an incredible report in the Daily Guardian with the following headline:

Scientists discover just IMAGINING exercising can make you stronger, tone your muscles, and delay or stop muscle atrophy!

Talk about a game changer! In a study by Ohio University, researchers concluded that just thinking of exercising can have the same effects as actually hitting the gym.

First thing tomorrow, I’m putting my elliptical up for sale on Craigs List. I’m confident I can get $50 – just so long as they don’t inspect it too closely or try peddling at any level above 3 (which is when it makes that grinding noise and starts bellowing smoke). In place of the elliptical, I will move in my plaid La-Z-Boy recliner that my wife has always hated. I guess I’ll no longer need all those dumbbells sitting in my basement. I’ll start using my smart bell instead. Get it? (I’m talking about my brain. It’s a play on words – dumbbell, smart bell? Do I have to spell everything out for you?)

I will begin slowly, so that I don’t strain a mental muscle. I’ll probably start out thinking about exercise only fifteen minutes – which, according to my wife, is about ten minutes more than I currently use my cranium in an average day.

Man, am I exhausted. I just spent the past 30 minutes watching this Pilates class video on my phone. Those guys were working out so hard, and I thought about what they were doing the entire time. I could use a massage right about now.

Man, am I exhausted. I just spent the past 30 minutes watching this Pilates class video on my phone. Those guys were working out so hard, and I thought about what they were doing the entire time. I could use a massage right about now.

Over time, I will build up to thinking for 30 minutes about exercising, then 45 minutes, and then eventually, after a few months, a full hour. But I don’t want to over-extend myself, lest I pull a temporal lobe or strain a basal ganglia. I need to pace myself if I am going to succeed at my new regimen of mental gymnastics. Then, before long, I will have the physique I have always dreamed of, plus a lot more time to sit in my new recliner and get caught up on past episodes of The Office.

But I don’t intend to think just about exercise. I intend to expand my cerebration. With this new outlook on life, I’m excited to apply my new cognitive skills to many other activities. Starting next week, if I can stick to my plan, I will start thinking about doing yard work and power washing the driveway. I might even start thinking about helping my wife with making dinner.

Suddenly, I have never felt so motivated to think about helping around the house. I just hope my wife appreciates how much mental energy I have expended thinking about all of this.

As exciting as this breakthrough study is, I want to make sure I don’t abuse my new cranial capacity. For example, I heard about a guy who tried applying this technique to his driving. He was driving 95 mph – a full 40 miles over the posted highway speed limit. A cop pulled him over and the dude tried to explain that he was THINKING about going 55 the entire time. Despite hearing about the study’s remarkable conclusions, the officer still ticketed him. I guess the policeman was not a believer in science.

It’s time for my first workout. They say it’s important to give yourself little rewards along the way in order to keep yourself motivated whenever you begin any new challenging exercise program. That’s why I’m going to reward my mental conditioning session by eating a bowl of Rocky Road ice cream. And no, I’m not just going to think about eating it.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.

Stuck in an Endless Tech Support Loop

Stuck in an Endless Tech Support Loop

One of my greatest pleasures is spending countless hours waiting in vain for a customer service rep to help me with something that should have taken ten minutes but will ultimately suck several hours of my time. Ah, the joys of waiting on hold.

One of my greatest pleasures is spending countless hours waiting in vain for a customer service rep to help me with something that should have taken ten minutes but will ultimately suck several hours of my time. Ah, the joys of waiting on hold.

[The following is a true story, with no exaggeration, of the time I spent over five hours trying to get help from a tech support representative. – TEJ] 

I had completed what I hoped was my final draft of my newest humor book, THE SECRET TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS.  I was using Amazon’s publishing division called Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP). I had compiled a list of questions to which I needed answers in order to fix several book formatting issues their online system had flagged.

I decided I needed to call their tech support team for help. I located their CONTACT US page in less than 12 minutes simply by navigating through an endless series of menus that required me to answer several series of questions until the website finally unlocked the secret passageway to its elusive CONTACT US page.

This page offered me several options: I could submit an email (“please allow 72 hours for a response”). I could initiate an online chat (probably with a web bot). I could pour through their voluminous online community forum containing scores of article links, none of which would be directly on point. Or I could request a call back from a tech support agent. I think I’ll go with Option D.

I clicked the button to have a tech support agent call me. Twenty minutes later my phone rang. The readout indicated the call was from Amazon / KDP. Oddly, it only rang once and then the call dropped. I tried to call back the number on my phone, but I reached an automated message: “We’re not able to accept incoming calls to this number. Please visit our website to request a call back.” 

I then navigated the maze back to the CONTACT US page. I clicked on the button to request a call back – again. That triggered this message: “Our records indicate that you have already requested a call back. Please wait until you receive that call.” Arrgh!

I waited thirty minutes. No success. I clicked on the “Call me” button again. Up popped the same notification as before. Feeling stymied, I tried their online CHAT to request a phone call. Within a minute Agent Adrian generically typed, “How can I help you?”

I explained that I had requested a call, then the call dropped after one ring and the system would not allow me to make another call request. “Could you just tell someone in your tech support department to call me?” I pleaded.

Agent Adrian typed back, “I’m sorry but this CHAT feature does not allow us to talk by phone with the customer.”

“I know that,” I wrote back, frustrated. “I get how online chat works.” I pounded away at the keyboard, trying again to explain my dilemma and that I just wanted to have someone from their tech team call me.

Then, like a broken record, Agent Adrian, who by now I was fairly certain was a bot, typed, “I’m sorry but this CHAT feature does not allow us to call the customer.” Instead he / it offered to help me via their web-based chat utility. I wrote back that I had literally 20 questions and I doubted he / it would be able to respond to all of them via chat. But he / it insisted that they were happy to be of service.

See this happy, chirpy fellow? This is Adrian, or Brad, or Bart. This friendly support agent will be happy to assist you via online chat. He’ll be polite and responsive, usually replying to your questions within 5 minutes. There’s just one thing he won’t be able to do: Solve your problem. Because he’s a bot.

See this happy, chirpy fellow? This is Adrian, or Brad, or Bart. This friendly support agent will be happy to assist you via online chat. He’ll be polite and responsive, usually replying to your questions within 5 minutes. There’s just one thing he won’t be able to do: Solve your problem. Because he’s a bot.

I copied and pasted my long list of questions into the chat message field and pressed SEND. Seven minutes later, the Agent Adrian bot resurfaced: “I’m sorry, but you will need to talk to a member of our tech support team. You can request a call back by visiting our website. Thank you.” He / it then abruptly closed out our session. WTF??

I then noticed that during the time I was bonding with the Agent Adrian bot, I had received an email from KDP tech support:

“This is Jennifer from KDP customer support. You had requested a call, but I called and there was no answer. If you would like to speak with a representative, you can visit our website to request a call back.”

Seriously? I guessed that enough time had elapsed to take a chance and try clicking on the “Call me” button again. I guessed wrong: “Our records indicate that you have already requested a call back. Please wait until you receive that call.

I tried using the online chat app again. After I explained my situation and implored them to have someone from their tech support team call me directly, the Agent Paul bot offered this by now very familiar feedback: “I’m sorry but this CHAT feature does not allow us to talk by phone with the customer.”

The website referred to this as their Customer Service department. But as I reflect back on my experience, I think “Customer Severance” department” would have been a more appropriate name. Then the Agent Paul bot, no doubt programmed to follow the tech support chat protocol handbook to the letter, offered to try to help me via Chat. I explained – again – that I really needed to talk to a LIVE PERSON BY PHONE!

Finally, Agent Paul relented and agreed to try to find someone to call me. I’m pretty sure Agent Paul was going to be summarily fired for violating Online Chat Policy Rule #1: Never let the customer talk to a live human being. Or perhaps he’ll just be rebooted and upgraded to a more recent security protocol. 

An hour went by. Noone called. So I tried their “Call me” option one more time. This time, to my surprise, it accepted my request. Twenty minutes later, I received a call from KDP tech support. Interestingly, one minute later, while on the phone with KDP tech support, I received another call – also from KDP tech support. Not wanting to risk my first call dropping, I ignored the second incoming KDP call. I went into great detail describing my issues. Then I asked Agent Maria, “Maria, do you understand my situation?”

Agent Maria did not respond. I repeated my question – four more times. No reply – unless you consider the dial tone that followed to be Maria’s reply. The call got dropped. Crap! I saw that there was another email from KDP tech support. It said they had just tried to call me but I had failed to pick up.

I went back to the KDP website’s CONTACT US page. When I tried to request yet another call back, yup, you guessed it: “Our records indicate that you have already requested a call back. Please wait until you receive that call.

It went on like this for another hour. Finally, I received another call from KDP tech support. This time the call did not drop. This time I was actually able to present all my questions to an actual live person. After describing my problems in exhausting detail for 10 minutes, tech support Agent Thomas paused and explained: “I’m in first level tech support. I can’t help you with your issues. You’ll need to talk to someone in Senior Level tech support. Would you like me to transfer you?”

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll be most curious to see what rabbit hole this sends me down,” I muttered under my breath. Agent Thomas put me on hold. Ten minutes later someone came back on the line: “This is Thomas again. Would you still like to continue to wait to speak to a Senior Level support agent?”

“Um, yes, I would. Thank you.”

“Okay, please hold.” The next sound I heard was the soothing, familiar melody of … of another dial tone. My call had been dropped. Again. It’s now been over five hours. I’m still waiting to talk to someone about my issues. I’m sure they’ll be calling me back… any moment now.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2022

Thank You For Your Suggestion

Thank You For Your Suggestion

Over the years, scores of people have suggested humor topics for me to write about. Their ideas typically consist of a four-word concept, like “something about McDonald’s fries.” Um, thanks. But it would appear you’ve already written most of the story for me. You’re brilliant.

Over the years, scores of people have suggested humor topics for me to write about. Their ideas typically consist of a four-word concept, like “something about McDonald’s fries.” Um, thanks. But it would appear you’ve already written most of the story for me. You’re brilliant.

I’ve been a humor writer for 13 years – a source of unceasing embarrassment for my wife and daughters. Over the years, I’ve routinely received suggestions for what readers think would be a funny article for me to write about in my column. I’m grateful to the scores of people who have unselfishly submitted their ideas. I distinctly remember this one time when the suggestion was almost usable.

I think it’s long overdue that I thank the many people who have graciously come forward to pitch their hilarious concepts. So, here goes….

To George Kittlesworth of Sioux City, Iowa: Thank you for your creative recommendation that I write a piece about your prize heifer Daisy and the fact that she was awarded Honorable Mention at the Iowa State Fair in 2004. And what a lovely photo you sent of the two of you. You must be so proud. Quick question: Which one of you is Daisy? Also, can you give me a little more to go on than simply “Here’s a funny story for you.” Did Daisy somehow cheat her way to victory? Did you end up eating her for dinner the following week? What’s the hook here, George?

To Ned Hopper of Cheboygan, Michigan: Thank you for your email in which you wrote, “I saw my neighbor fall off his riding mower. The mower kept going and plowed right through his flower bed and destroyed his prize roses. He broke his leg in three locations. What a hoot!” My, that sure sounds hilarious. There’s nothing funnier than stories about people injuring themselves from falling off of riding mowers. When I have concluded I no longer have an original thought in my brain, I’ll definitely put yours on a short list for serious consideration, Ned.

To Harvey Farmington of Hazlehurst, Mississippi: Thank you for suggesting, and I quote: “How about something about eggplants?” Hmmm, enticingly vague, I must say. Are you talking about the actual vegetable? Or the sexually suggestive emoji? How did you know that two of my favorite topics to write about are weird-looking vegetables and sex emojis. I’ll get right on this. Thanks, Harvey, for doing the heavy lifting with your thoroughly fleshed-out five-word description.

From Boyd Jefferson of Cape Corral, Florida: “This is a photo of Buttons, my daughter’s hamster. Can you write about him? Or maybe it’s a she. I’m not really sure.” Um, Sure, Boyd. Say no more. I’ll take it from here.

From Boyd Jefferson of Cape Corral, Florida: “This is a photo of Buttons, my daughter’s hamster. Can you write about him? Or maybe it’s a she. I’m not really sure.” Um, Sure, Boyd. Say no more. I’ll take it from here.

To Mary “MAGA” Offerman of Halifax, Massachusetts: I appreciate your thoughtful letter you sent me this week in which you wrote: “How about something about Donald Trump. Have you ever thought about doing a piece on him? He’s the best president ever, don’t you agree?” Oh, yes, I couldn’t agree more, Mary. Nobody did a better job trying to illegally stage a coup to stay in power, that’s for sure.

Oh, and great suggestion. Other than the 30+ articles I have previously written about Trump over a six-year period, I’ve not really given him much thought. Thanks for confirming that you’re a regular reader of mine.

To Barney Montague of Horseshoe Bend, Idaho: I must offer up my deepest gratitude for your out-of-the-box premise: “What about Periwinkle?” Oh, yes, indeed. What a treasure trove of hilarity springs to mind upon reading your three-word seedling of a notion of a concept. I’m already in stitches just thinking about the hysterically funny jokes that spring from your cryptic suggestion, Barney. Maybe an entire series on flowers with funny-sounding names, like, “What about Forsythia?” followed by “What about Hibiscus?” The possibilities are endless (if your goal is to put the reader into a coma).

To Becky Mavensberg of Paducah, Kentucky: Thank you so much for suggesting I write a piece about how dogs are better than cats. Perhaps you missed my piece about how cats are better than dogs. Still, I appreciate your riotously funny premise. But I must take issue with the photo you included of your dog. My cat Zippy is cooler than your schnauzer Buster.

To Tom Bakersfield of Beaumont, Texas: My, Tom, what a creative mind you have. To quote you: “How about a piece about how all those liberal commie snowflakes are destroying America and how all that matters in life are three things: Jesus, babies, and bullets. Everybody else can go back to Africa.” Wow, where do I begin? You sure know comedy, Tom. How about you take the lead on writing a first draft, send it to me, and I’ll do my best to make sure nobody ever tries to steal your brilliant diatribe idea and publish it – including me, okay, buddy?

From Clarence Withers of Duluth, Minnesota: “Hey, can you do a hit job piece about my ex? This is her, right before she left me for that coffee barista. And she doesn’t even like coffee! I could kill her!” Um, Clarence, perhaps you’ve mistaken me for a producer at Dateline.

From Clarence Withers of Duluth, Minnesota: “Hey, can you do a hit job piece about my ex? This is her, right before she left me for that coffee barista. And she doesn’t even like coffee! I could kill her!” Um, Clarence, perhaps you’ve mistaken me for a producer at Dateline.

To Heather Rodriguez of Angel Fire, New Mexico: Thank you for your  brainchild for an article. You wrote: “Could you do a piece about how my boss, Will Johnson, is a total jerk and I hate his guts. He never shampoos his greasy hair. And he has the worst body odor. But could you change his name so I don’t get fired?”

Well, Heather, if that’s not comedy gold, I don’t know what is. Nothing says LOL more than a scathing, bitter rant about your hatred for another human being. Just one question: Is there a job opening in your department? Your boss sounds like a great guy.

Honestly, I can’t count how many unsolicited pitches I’ve received from regular readers and folks who learn I’m a humor writer. Their suggestions range from stories about getting drunk to celebrities they think are over-rated to well, falling off of riding mowers.

The only thing missing in all of these clever story ideas is any semblance of … a story – because after a five- or six-word description of what they think is hilarious, that’s all they’ve got. They are happy to let me turn “something about my wife’s burnt pot roast” into an actual story – with humor. The only ingredients they forgot to include are a story idea I can actually use.

I just did a quick count. I see that I still have 240 more thank-you messages to write. This may take a while. I better get back to work…

To Artie Bugleton of Nome, Alaska: Thank you for your idea “something about peeing in snow.” Are you sure you’re not a professional humor writer, Artie? Because, wow, I can’t believe I never thought of this one myself …

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

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