Trump’s Termination Interview

Trump’s Termination Interview

[Author’s note:] Since 2015, I have written over 25 articles about Donald Trump alone. Click here, then under Index of Topics, find Trump to peruse these posts. It is my deepest hope to no longer feel compelled to compose about this man. He has taken up far too much real estate in my brain for the past four years. – TEJ] 

Now that President Trump has lost the election, View from the Bleachers has gained exclusive access to the official transcript of his termination interview with his boss, the American People.

The American People: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Please take a seat. We feel badly about this, but, well, our country has decided to let you go. Your final day of employment will be January 20th.

Donald Trump: Why are we even having this meeting? I clearly won the election. Everybody knows that.

People: We’ve been through this many times. As we have repeatedly told you, you did not win. Mr. Biden did.

Trump: FAKE NEWS! Everybody knows the election was rigged. If you don’t count all the people who illegally voted by mail, I won in a landslide – the biggest in history.

People: Sir, you’re getting worked up again. Would you like a bucket of KFQ to calm your nerves? Maybe a kitten?

Trump: They stole the election from me! It’s so unfair. With help from that thug Hugo Chavez and his Venezuelan voting machines, and Cuba and China and Spain and – 

People: Spain? That’s a new one. FYI, Mr. Chavez died in 2013. Besides, all the states have certified that the voting was fair. In fact, even the Department of Homeland Security says it was the most secure election in our nation’s history.

Trump: Well, the folks at Homeland Security were in on it, too. They allowed anybody to vote, even Democrats and blacks. So unfair. It’s all a hoax. Just ask all my Q-Anon followers on Twitter.

People: Donald, you cannot keep cycling through this ad nauseum – and it IS nauseating. We see that you’ve already posted seven rage tweets since this interview began. You really need to find a healthier outlet. Have you considered adult coloring books? They can be very relaxing.

Trump: Adult? Sure, I’ll grab a few. And some of these Sharpies, and my Oval Office stapler, too.

People: Donald, stop stuffing your pockets! Technically, these items belong to us. Put them back.

Trump: All of this belongs to me, including this building. I won it fair and square in 2016 – without any help from Vlad.

People: Still fixated on 2016, are we? Perhaps we were not clear enough at the outset of this meeting. We are letting you go. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you – AND WE – can move on.

Trump: You can’t fire me. I’m the only person who gets to say, “YOU’RE FIRED!”

People: As to that, we have reviewed your job performance extensively. The data doesn’t justify keeping you on any longer. You’re simply not up to the job.  The nation’s unemployment numbers are surging, the deficit is skyrocketing, all our allies are furious with you, and the COVID pandemic is spiraling out of control.

Trump: You mean the China Flu. Blame China. Totally not my fault.

People: Plus, we’ve received numerous anonymous complaints from your employees. They describe you as utterly incompetent. And that’s the most positive comment we’ve read.

Trump: Total radical leftist propaganda. Everybody who works here loves me – even the ugly ones. They all tell me I’m the greatest, handsomest, most stable genius president in history.

People: Well, the feedback from your subordinates says otherwise. They say you’re racist, foul-tempered, misogynist, corrupt, narcissistic, lazy, unwilling to read, and impulsive. They go on to say you’re divisive, mean-spirited, vindictive with  no attention span – Donald, are you even listening? Stop playing with your Trump superhero action figure and focus.

Trump: Those people, they’re are all losers – just like soldiers. I should have fired all of them the moment I hired them.

People: Mr. President, it’s clear you simply haven’t taken this job seriously. Most days you simply stay in your bedroom watching TV until well past noon. Our records indicate you have averaged over 30 lies per day. No other president has ever lied as incessantly as you. Furthermore, you spent over 300 days just golfing. Far over par. No other modern president comes close.

Trump: So, you’re saying I’m a high achiever. Finally, we agree on something. Most of those golf outings were charity tournaments.

People: We fact-checked that. Those “charity tournaments” you played in were to raise money for Trump University.

Trump: A great institution. Way better than Harvard. The Ivy League schools are all overrated.

People: Donald, we’re getting off track. Are there any Presidential decisions you made for which you wish you could have, to use a golf metaphor, a Mulligan? A do-over?

Trump: Like you said – my decisions were all presidential. A perfect presidency. Oh, wait. Picking Pence for my VEEP was ill-advised. Stupid advisors. I should’ve gone with Kristi.

People: Kristi Noem, the Governor of South Dakota? Why?

Trump: First, she adores me. Second, have you seen her? She’s a 10. Smokin’ hot bod. I bet I could have gotten her into the sack.

People: Eew. Any other regrets? How about how you separated Mexican children from their parents and put them in cages? Don’t you have even the slightest pang of guilt around that debacle?

Trump: Not my fault. If Nancy Pelosi and her gang of Congressional Communists had just let me build my wall in the first place, none of this would have happened. So, it’s totally Nancy’s fault – and Hillary’s. They are two NASTY women.

People: How about your handling of the Coronavirus pandemic? Over a quarter million people have died, even though you kept saying it would magically go away and that we were always turning the corner. 

Trump: Hey – I got through it fine. It was no biggie. If a quarter million morons can’t handle the common flu, that’s on them.  But Sleepy Joe totally dropped the ball. He did nothing these past 11 months to stop the spread.

People: He wasn’t the president, Donald.  You were! This is one of the many reasons why we decided to let you go.

Trump: Says who? I’ll decide when I go. Besides, I packed the Supreme Court with my justices. They owe me. So, I’m pretty sure I’m here to stay. “12 MORE YEARS. 12 MORE YEARS!”

People:  No. Like we said, your termination is effective January 20, 2021. On that date, you must evacuate the premises. President-Elect Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th president. This is not up to you.

Trump preparing to board Marine One for the final time, after getting fired by the American People. The reasons given for his abrupt termination were many, but boiled down to this: “We (the American people) think you’d be happier selling condos, Donald.”

Trump preparing to board Marine One for the final time, after getting fired by the American People. The reasons given for his abrupt termination were many, but boiled down to this: “We (the American people) think you’d be happier selling condos, Donald.”

Trump: Fine. I’ll go. I’ll just put Jared and Ivanka in charge. They’ll do whatever I tell them to.

People: Donald, we don’t think you understand. We are evicting you – and your entire team, including Jared and Ivanka. You can move back to Mar-a-Lago. But you can’t stay here.

Trump: Well, in that case, I’m taking a few things with me. Because I was told that I get to keep them.

People: Uh, no, you cannot take that bust of Lincoln. Or the Resolute Desk. They belong to the people of the United States.

Trump: I carved my initials in the desk, so legally it’s mine now. And that lamp. And this toaster… and this set of steak knives…. and…

People: Oh, dear….. Security? Send a Secret Service detail to the Oval Office stat. We appear to have a bit of a problem.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020. Edited by Betsy Jones.

How to Create Your Own YouTube Channel in 386 Easy Steps

How to Create Your Own YouTube Channel in 386 Easy Steps

I recently launched my own YouTube channel. It will be a smashing success, just as soon as I convince Oprah to endorse it and Elon Musk to invest in it – or buy me out for $3 billion.

I recently launched my own YouTube channel. It will be a smashing success, just as soon as I convince Oprah to endorse it and Elon Musk to invest in it – or buy me out for $3 billion.

Recently I launched my very own YouTube channel. Why did I decide at the age of 65 to undertake such a daunting new challenge? Simple: I’m an idiot. To fully understand why I did this, I need to go back eleven years, to 2009. That’s when, on an otherwise uneventful August day, I did something unbelievably reckless: I listened to my wife.

She suggested I write a humor blog. Being an obedient husband, I did just that. 11 years, 450 articles and a few thousand frosted cinnamon pop tarts later, I’m still writing. I’d have been a millionaire by now, if only someone had offered me a million bucks – to stop writing. But no one did, so I’m still at it.

Not sure what my point was. Oh right, never listen to my wife. A few months ago, she had another brainstorm: “Hey, honey? Why don’t you start your own YouTube channel? Bring your favorite humor articles to life.” Being a slow learner, I did just that.

I spent sleepless nights pondering a name for my channel. I decided on – now this may surprise you – View from the Bleachers. Having perused the nearly 60 million YouTube channels out there, I noticed there is a serious shortage of juvenile humor content. I figured I’m just the person to fill this void.

This venture has made me a wiser man and I feel it incumbent upon me to share that wisdom. First, if you are even remotely toying with the notion of starting a YouTube channel, DON’T DO IT! If you are a glutton for nitpicking, critical feedback and flame comments from strangers who are easily offended about everything, then sure, go for it. However, to retain any shred of self-esteem, I recommend stamp collecting as a hobby instead.

If you’re still intent on pursuing your own YouTube channel, there are a few tidbits you need to attend to as you embark on your journey toward fame and fortune… and eventual disappointment and despair.

Step One: What is Your Channel About?

First things first. You need to decide on your focus. What do you want to communicate? Is it teaching orangutans to sew a quilt from jungle leaves? Helping inept husbands create gourmet meals without torching the kitchen? Or perhaps something even more futile, like teaching teenage texters the importance of punctuation.

Step Two: Get Your Equipment

Now that you’ve crystalized your message to the world, it’s time to blow your savings on the rudimentary gear needed to produce your incredibly fascinating video series on the history of Paper Mache. You need: a high-def camera, large green screen background, quality lighting and stands, lavalier microphone (a must-have), tele-prompter device (to scroll the script), video editing software program, an agent to promote you, an accountant to launder your vast earnings in the Caymans, and an attorney in case you get sued for copyright infringement. 

This is my recording studio. I’ve taken over our guest room. Can you tell what’s missing? You guessed it: a cat. Also, any chance of success with such a cutting-edge set.

This is my recording studio. I’ve taken over our guest room. Can you tell what’s missing? You guessed it: a cat. Also, any chance of success with such a cutting-edge set.

Step Three: Ask Friends for Input

Accept that you’ll no doubt make several rookie mistakes, like not noticing that your cat was licking its privates in the background through the entire shoot. Invite your friends to give feedback on initial test videos – on what works and what doesn’t. They’ll have no trouble with the latter, offering helpful advice, like, “Slow it down, dude! I can’t understand a word – not that I’m really interested” and “The lighting is way too dim. I can’t see your face – but your bald spot shines through” and “Do you have the slightest idea what the hell you’re doing?”

Step Four: Find New Friends

You’ll soon learn that everyone’s a critic and nothing you create measures up to your friends’ high standards. The most encouraging suggestions I’ve received so far have been: “We can’t all be winners” and “I’m sure you can find a buyer on eBay for all that equipment you blew your money on.” Who needs friends like these? Best to say adios to these dream killers. There are scores of folks eager to friend you on Facebook. Just don’t discuss politics. Trust me.

Step Five: Find a Video Editor

Creating a humor video is 20% humor writing and 80% technical wizardry. I already had a ton of content from my eleven years of writing. All I had to do was read it with some flair, right? Wrong. There is recording (1 hour), editing a five-minute video (five hours), removing all my verbal stumbles (3 more hours on a good take), locating background images, choosing theme music, and honing my acting skills. When it was all done, I noticed I had forgotten to wear pants. I needed a lot of help (in more ways than one).

There are services that will connect you with independent video editors who can do everything you need for incredibly reasonable prices. I found a very capable video editor in Pakistan. Oh, to be sure, he doesn’t understand English, and I can’t speak a word of Urdu, and all my videos end up running in reverse order. But he charges a very fair rate. And he says if I ever make it to Pakistan, he’ll let me ride his camel.

There are literally thousands of videos like this one, promising to reveal the hidden secrets to make your YouTube channel a success. All you need are some web tools to improve your keyword selection, creative social media strategies, and Stephen Colbert to host all your videos.

There are literally thousands of videos like this one, promising to reveal the hidden secrets to make your YouTube channel a success. All you need are some web tools to improve your keyword selection, creative social
media strategies, and Stephen Colbert to host all your videos.

Step Six: Learn How to Maximize Traffic

What good is having your own YouTube channel if nobody knows it exists? That’s why you should google topics like “What was I thinking starting a YouTube channel?” There you’ll find helpful tutorials explaining the 5,000 critical tasks guaranteed to propel your channel to the top 25 million most watched.

You have to learn about keyword maximization, search engine optimization, meta tags, and much more. Thankfully, there are tons of free tools out there to help build traffic to your new channel, just as soon as you upgrade to their Pro version for only $15 / month, or better still, the Platinum package for just $49.95 / month.

There are about 379 more steps, give or take, to optimize your channel’s one-in-a-million chances of going viral. Personally, I suggest just doing all your YouTube videos in the nude – especially if you’re Scarlett Johansson. I’m confident your channel will be trending in no time.

As for me, I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to make my new YouTube channel a tremendous success – unless someone wants to offer me $500 today to walk away. No reasonable offer will be refused.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020. Edited by Betsy Jones.

Where Did My Day Go?

Where Did My Day Go?

Every day it’s the same. I start out with optimistic plans of getting everything done and feeling good about my productivity. And every day ends with me asking the same question: What happened? How did everything go so so wildly off the rails?

Every day it’s the same. I start out with optimistic plans of getting everything done and feeling good about my productivity. And every day ends with me asking the same question: What happened? How did everything go so so wildly off the rails?

When I was in my forties, I routinely worked 55-hour weeks (commuting an hour each way), taxied my kids to soccer practices and dance recitals, mowed the yard, paid the bills, and worked out five nights a week (some things are sacred). I knew exactly where my day had to go, and I made sure it went there. Missions accomplished.

But now, at 65, I feel my days slipping away. Not from some morbid fixation on death, or from my compromised knees. Rather, each day flies by and I’ve done squat. I don’t get it. I’m semi-retired, working maybe 15 hours a week. The commute to my downstairs home office averages 60 seconds – longer if there’s a pileup of cats on the stairwell. Our kids are grown and drive themselves to practices and parties. So, what’s my problem?

To help keep myself on track, I developed the following daily regimen.

6:30am: Rise, shine, shower, shave, brush teeth, dress.

7:00am: Chug protein kale shake (while holding nose).

7:30am: Power through email, deleting all junk emails requesting political campaign donations (average 298 per day). Pay bills, perhaps.

8:00am: Work. Stay focused to finish by noon. Max 15 minute break.

Noon: Join wife for quinoa and chicken. Try to eat it.

12:30pm: Intense workout on elliptical and weights to enhance 2-pack.

1:30pm: Get some fresh air on brisk two-mile walk. Try not to get lost this time.

2:30: Read a book to broaden mind, such as on Paleolithic artforms. TV verboten.

5:00: Cook healthy dinner of legumes, tilapia, salad. Try to feel full without dessert.

This is how I see my day beginning: working on my core, followed by 45 minutes on the elliptical, energizing me to work productively. The reality is that I’m lucky if I have energy to put on gym clothes before running out of steam and watching a rerun of The Office. At least I’m thinking about the office.

This is how I see my day beginning: working on my core, followed by 45 minutes on the elliptical, energizing me to work productively. The reality is that I’m lucky if I have energy to put on gym clothes before running out of steam and watching a rerun of The Office. At least I’m thinking about the office.

6:00pm: Feed cats, scoop litterbox. Tidy up house. Resist urge to shove laundry under bed.

7:00pm: Chill with cats, Buddy and Zippy. Watch intellectually stimulating film with Michele.

9:00pm: Check Facebook feed (only once daily!)

10:00pm: Brush teeth, floss, bedtime. Reflect on accomplishments of the day.

Care to guess how many times I’ve adhered to this schedule (in reality, not just in my dreams)?  Yup! Right down there with the number of successful Titanic oceanic crossings. I don’t know why, but every single solitary day I deviate widely from this plan – through no fault of my own, I’m sure. To get to the bottom of this conundrum, I decided to log each minute of my day. Surely such a study would reveal who or what keeps derailing me.

Reality (bites):

6:30am: Hit snooze button. 6:30 is an ungodly time to get up. I can barely open one eye, let alone rise and shine. Roll over. Sleep another hour.

7:30am: Shuffle downstairs in PJs. Trip over cats. Forget to shave, shower, or brush teeth. Log onto computer to check email and Facebook feed. Congratulate Norman on his 75th birthday. (Personally, I thought he would have kicked the bucket years ago.)

8:30am: Scarf bowl of Apple Jacks. Must be healthy cuz’ it has the word “apple” right in the name. Turn on CNN for latest news. Something about President Trump’s plans to prosecute every Democratic governor and mayor for treason. IOW,  another normal news day.

9:30am: Start workday (90 minutes behind schedule). Plan to make up time by punting laundry for yet another day.

9:35am: Come across YouTube video about a cat that has learned how to snowboard. Hilarious. Post it to Facebook and Instagram.

9:40am: Resume working.

9:50am: Receive SOS from neighbor to borrow pressure washer. Meet them at my garage. Engage in lively discussion about Trump’s plans to build another border wall – around the White House.

10:20am: Return to work.

10:55am: Consider shaving. Get distracted by unusual bird outside window. Ponder its species. Check bird book. Looks like a black-bellied plover or maybe a Pacific golden plover. While away 20 minutes researching the answer. Yeah, I knew it. Definitely a black-bellied plover.

11:25am: Back to work. Focus, Tim. Focus!

11:40am: Turn on Amazon Echo. “Alexa, play music by Elton John.”  Internal debate over whether the Rolling Stones would be better background music for working.

11:55am: Observe how cute Zippy looks lying in that tiny box. Decide he needs pats because he’s been such a good boy. He hasn’t peed on the carpet by my desk all morning.

Noon: Lunch. Michele’s already eaten. I’m too tired to grill chicken. Looks like it’s another PB&J lunch day. There’s protein in Skippy peanut butter, right?

12:30am: Return to my desk. Stare at computer.

12:35pm: Receive Snapchat from daughter Rachel describing her next trip abroad. Daydream about Costa Rica.

1:05: Wonder if they have Cable in Costa Rica – which reminds me – did I pay the cable bill? Check bank account. Paid!  Phew. Notice $50 charge for Wonder Waffles. What the heck?!

1:15pm: Take quick peek at Facebook. There’s a breaking WA Post story: Trump plans to purchase the Falklands and rename them the Trumplands. Think silently to self, “Perhaps he’ll move there when he loses.”

1:30pm: Take a brisk walk to mailbox. Exhausted, decide it’s time for a nap.

When in my 30’s and 40’s, I was full of energy and focused on powering efficiently through my daily To-Do list. Nowadays, it’s an accomplishment just to create a To-Do List, let alone do anything on it.

When in my 30’s and 40’s, I was full of energy and focused on powering efficiently through my daily To-Do list. Nowadays, it’s an accomplishment just to create a To-Do List, let alone do anything on it.

2:30pm:  Contemplate working out – which would require getting dressed and tying sneakers. Too much of a hassle. Maybe tomorrow.

2:35pm: Think about work. Guilt paralyzes me.

3:00pm. Call it a day. Collapse onto couch and pat Buddy. He’s feeling ignored. Nod off again.

4:00pm: Snack time. Fleeting thoughts of fresh fruit. Opt for Cookie Dough ice cream instead. Begin diet tomorrow.

4:10pm: Gaze at book on coffee table about Paleolithic artforms. Reach for remote instead. Catch the latest breaking news story from CNN: Trump has decided to replace Mike Pence as his VP with the My Pillow Guy. Think to self, “I did NOT see that coming.”

6:10pm: Catch glimpse of clock and realize I’ve been glued to CNN for two hours. A recipe for stress. Time for a dinner of comfort food. Surprise Michele with a pepperoni & sausage pizza delivery. With a large Mountain Dew.

7:00pm: Get cozy on couch with Michele, Buddy and Zippy. “Watch” action thriller flick while texting buddy Steve about Seahawks game. Apologize to wife for not being fully present with her.

9:00pm: Time for bed. Wait! Did I feed the cats? Probably not. Guess that’ll have to wait till tomorrow.

Where did my day go?

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020. Edited by Betsy Jones.

The New Rules of Texting

The New Rules of Texting

When it comes to texting, it’s a brave new world. No one under the age of 30 uses punctuation anymore. And why type in coherent sentences, when a confused face, a unicorn, and a wine glass emoji say it all?

When it comes to texting, it’s a brave new world. No one under the age of 30 uses punctuation anymore. And why type in coherent sentences, when a confused face, a unicorn, and a wine glass emoji say it all?

I feel bad. Earlier today, I did something very hurtful – and to my own daughter, no less. I sent her a terribly insensitive text. What was the hostile, insulting thing I wrote? “Hope you’re doing well. Would love to see you sometime soon.”

I feel sick about what I’ve done. As my daughter explained it, I was bullying her and being demanding – both clearly conveyed by my use of a period at the end of each sentence. You read correctly. The  period(.) also telegraphed anger and that I wished to end this text exchange.

How rude of me! After all, my daughter has a lot on her plate with work and grad school. After apologizing profusely and asking if she could ever find it in her heart to forgive me for my heartless affront, I asked her to enlighten me about any other texting rules that perhaps I had been routinely violating without knowing it.

Oh, I’m aware of a few do’s and don’ts. I know you shouldn’t type out novels (but I do it anyway – partly just to annoy my kids). I also learned that the use of ALL CAPS is considered SHOUTING and is frowned upon. BUT I DON’T CARE!! That said, after my daughter stopped reading my 200-word soliloquy about all the things I’m grateful for as her dad, she texted back: TEXTING PROTOCOLS HAVE EVOLVED DAD  GET WITH THE PROGRAM

According to my daughter, and the newly abridged millennial version of Elements of Style, when it comes to texting etiquette, I’m stuck in the Pleistocene Era. Who knew that nowadays it’s “bad form” to use any punctuation when texting? Here I thought I was with the times texting my kids rather than telephoning, when actually I’ve been driving them crazy with my constant barrage of commas, apostrophes, and in-your-face use of question marks.

Apparently, not only is a period interpreted as a command, but also as a blow off. And exclamation marks?! Tread carefully there. Did you know that using a single exclamation mark means you’re being sarcastic? Me neither! I mean me neither. However, two exclamation marks is fine. But stop at two. Because three !!!’s is over-the-top irritating. It means you’re being a drama queen, so take it down a notch, sister!!

The use of capital letters is also something to avoid at all costs, especially if the word is normally meant to be capitalized. Never text “New York” when “new york” (or better still, “ny”) will suffice. Evidently, proper grammar and syntax are indicators you’re a total nerd who is just not woke enough for today’s under-30 crowd.

Let me give an example. Normally, I might be inclined to text my daughter, “Hi, Rachel. Did you have a good day at work? I can’t wait to see you when you come to Camano Island. Call me soon, if you have a chance, okay? Love you!” First of all, the period clearly showed I was ordering her to come home. Then the derisive single exclamation mark made a mockery of my love for her. And all those capitals!! The correctly written text would have looked like this: “hi rachel did you have a good day at work i cant wait to see you when you come to camano island call me soon if you have a chance okay love you”

Better still, eliminate all those time-wasting vowels: “hi rchl dd u hv a gd dy at wrk cnt wt 2 c u whn u cme 2 cmn islnd cll me sn k lv u”

That’s better. But if you really want to be respectful of your kids’ communication preferences, you should eliminate those pesky adjectives, adverbs, and nouns – young people can’t be bothered to read complete thoughts. That’s so 1990’s. They are way too busy checking out Instagram or Tinder to wade through your meandering message.

Young people today are extremely busy. They don’t have time to make eye contact, let alone call their parents. If you really need to get their attention, send a text – but keep it to under eight words, please. They don’t have all day.

Young people today are extremely busy. They don’t have time to make eye contact, let alone call their parents. If you really need to get their attention, send a text – but keep it to under eight words, please. They don’t have all day.

Technically, if you truly want to adhere to the official guidelines of texting civility in this brave new world we live in, bail on the notion of sending your child a text in the first place. After all, you texted her a mere two weeks ago. Back off!! You’re starting to crowd her, dude.

In summary, when texting one of your under-age-30 offspring, remember these helpful DON’T’s:

DON’T drone on and on. Get to the point.

DON’T SHOUT at them with angry periods and in-your-face ALL CAPS.

Wherever possible, DON’T use words when texting. I’m sure there’s a four-emoji chain that can clearly communicate, “I won’t be able to make it to your place before 7pm because I’m stuck in traffic, so could you order us a veggie pizza?”

DON’T expect them to spellcheck their texts. So what if your college graduate’s text auto-corrected to change “I’m putting up my prius for sale” to “I’m putting up my penis for sale.” You should know what he meant.

DON’T text your kids too frequently. Once a month seems slightly excessive but within the margins of millennial social norms.

DON’T force them to wade through yet another adjective-laden tome about your recent home remodeling project. They won’t be spending any time at home when they come to visit you at Christmas anyway, so why are you telling them this stuff?

Most important of all, DON’T expect a reply – EVER. Your kids have far more important things to do than to keep in touch with their parents.

Be patient. Just wait till they turn forty and have self-absorbed teenagers of their own. Then they’ll be texting you night and day (begging for your parenting advice). And their kids will mock them as so passé. After all, fifteen years from now, who’d be caught texting? That’s so 2020.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020. Edited by Betsy Jones.

Trump Announces Heightened Election Security Measures

Trump Announces Heightened Election Security Measures

Thanks to the COVID pandemic, millions more people are expected to vote by mail in the 2020 election. To prevent massive voter fraud, the Trump Administration is taking bold action, like requiring every mail-in ballot to be accompanied by a check for $50 payable to Re-Elect Trump to Save America. Don’t forget to include postage.

Thanks to the COVID pandemic, millions more people are expected to vote by mail in the 2020 election. To prevent massive voter fraud, the Trump Administration is taking bold action, like requiring every mail-in ballot to be accompanied by a check for $50 payable to Re-Elect Trump to Save America. Don’t forget to include postage.

The 2020 presidential election is fast approaching. In recent days, alarm bells have gone off about the possibility of rampant voter fraud. President Trump has gone so far as to suggest the entire election has been nefariously rigged by the Democrats and that mail-in votes are going to be submitted by millions of people who have no right to vote, including the Chinese, dead people, and blacks.

Many on the left have argued there is no evidence of widespread voter fraud, insisting this is a myth concocted by Trump because he knows he’s going to lose. “Another Trump crazy conspiracy theory,” they quip. But the President has effectively refuted those specious claims with compelling evidence, pronouncing, “Everybody knows there is massive voting fraud,” and “You should hear what people are saying about mail-in ballots.” As if that wasn’t enough, Trump retweeted an actual post from a random dude with the Twitter handle @MAGALarry129lockherup, which reported “I know a guy who thinks something’s fishy with the mail-in voting in Scranton.”

What further proof do God-fearing Americans need? In order to prevent this dangerous assault on our sacred electoral process, President Trump and his personal Department of Justice (a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Trump Administration) have nobly promulgated a series of stringent voting requirements intended to prevent flagrant voter fraud by the corrupt Biden campaign. The following provisions only apply to people who choose to vote by mail – or vote Democrat. Those voters will now be compelled to furnish the following supplemental information to prove they are who they claim to be:

  • A valid USA passport AND
  • A copy of their social security card AND
  • Three years of federal tax returns (unless they switch their vote to Trump, then they can skip this step) AND
  • A donation of $100 or more to the Trump charity of their choice (Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka or Tiffany)

The Department of Homeland Security has also provided a list of criteria which will immediately disqualify certain America-hating groups from voting, including:

  • Anyone recently released from prison (this provision does not apply to Trump campaign or Trump administration officials)
  • Anyone who has ever seen the Broadway play Hamilton
  • Any resident of Seattle, Portland, or New York (and they know why)
  • Anyone who has ever watched a Randy Rainbow song parody
  • Muslims, or anyone with a Muslim-sounding name, such as, hypothetically, a name like Barack Hussein Obama

In addition, all mail-in ballots have been updated for this year’s election to more easily indicate people’s voting preferences. Here is a mockup of the new streamlined mail-in ballot that will be used in all 50 states.

Even with the above measures, it’s impossible to prevent 100% of the voter fraud the Democrats plan to unleash in 2020. Impartial observers like Roger Stone point out that the Biden campaign will have a huge unfair advantage in the voter tabulation. This is in part because, for reasons impossible to explain, more people appear to prefer the Democratic candidate over our very stable genius Commander-in-Chief.

Therefore, in order to balance this lopsided scale, the Department of Justice has announced a totally impartial new voting scale as follows:

  • Each vote for Joe Biden will count as 1 vote
  • Each one for Donald Trump will count as 2 votes
  • Each one for Kanye counts as 1 vote for Donald Trump. (Because, seriously, a vote for Kanye really is a vote for Trump. Let’s not kid ourselves.)

Using this new, fairer weighted voting system, the outcome will almost certainly no longer be in doubt on election night. Thankfully, Americans won’t have to agonize for weeks, wondering who ultimately won, Trump or Biden. Now they’ll be able to start their agonizing on election night, knowing that same evening who will be sitting in the Oval Office (and tweeting) for four more years.

President Trump claims the Democrats are engaged in massive voter fraud. Moreover, he refuses to commit to a peaceful transition of power if he loses. So, to ensure things go smoothly, he has issued an Executive Order that he can continue to live in the White house no matter what the ballots state. What could possibly go wrong?

President Trump claims the Democrats are engaged in massive voter fraud. Moreover, he refuses to commit to a peaceful transition of power if he loses. So, to ensure things go smoothly, he has issued an Executive Order that he can continue to live in the White house no matter what the ballots state. What could possibly go wrong?

Because of the enormous volume of mail-in ballots predicted in this year’s election, the U.S. Postal Service has expressed serious concerns about its ability to deliver them all by the Election Day deadline (November 3rd). Therefore, the Department of Making Shit Up has announced that for this year only, the deadline to vote by mail will be moved up to September 15th, to give the post office plenty of  time to get those ballots delivered.

If you miss that deadline, don’t worry. You’ll still be able to drop off your ballot at any of the many polling stations conveniently located in affluent, white suburban communities or in the middle of nowhere. Thousands of volunteers will be prominently located at polling stations in every battleground state, happy to explain to any person hoping to cast a ballot for Biden why, unfortunately, they’re not eligible to vote. But they’ll be very nice about it. They’ll  also be easy to spot: they’ll be the friendly folks wearing camo pants, a red MAGA hat and carrying an AK-47 assault rifle.

Thanks to these bold measures, our election security will be the tightest it’s been in American history, and the chances of widespread vote-by-mail fraud by Democrats should be contained. But in the event Joe Biden still attempts to steal the election using shameful tactics like being the more attractive candidate (literally), President Trump is still confident that he will win in the end. That’s because he has faith in our democratic institutions.

However, on the off chance that democracy fails him, and the election is decided by the Supreme Court, Trump has incriminating Photoshopped pictures of Supreme Court Justices Kavanagh, Thomas, and Gorsuch in drag. The President added, “It would be a shame if those photos accidentally ended up in the Inquirer.” 

Looks like when it comes to this election, everything’s going to work out fine.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020. Edited by Betsy Jones.