As many of you know, I’m a nationally sought-after brand marketer, known for my ability to come up with memorable slogans. Remember the Nike slogan, Just Do It? Well, technically, I didn’t come up with it, but the slogan I proposed was eerily similar: For Pete’s Sake, Get Off Your Ass and Do Something For Once In Your Life. Apparently, Nike did not recognize my true genius when it was right in front of them – outside their corporate headquarters’ main entrance, trying to sneak past security, so I could pitch my idea.
It has come to my attention that President Trump’s campaign is struggling to come up with a new campaign slogan for his 2020 re-election bid. He can’t use Make America Great Again because, well, he’s already accomplished that task bigly.
The challenge for our very stable Genius-in-Chief is that under his historically successful watch, the economy has cratered, and now unemployment is hovering at near Great Depression levels – totally not Trump’s fault. Personally, I blame Obama.
He’s also facing a pandemic that has killed over 150,000 citizens – again totally not Trump’s fault – he was out golfing when it happened and couldn’t be interrupted. Everybody who doesn’t watch Fake News knows China alone caused our mess. And then there’s the tens of thousands of black (and white, young and old, straight and gay) terrorists who have been taking to the streets to protest and rudely interfere with our dear president’s patriotic attempt at a photo op.
I almost feel sorry for the guy, seeing him flail about, as all the fake news disasters mount daily. That’s why I’ve offered to help him create a slogan for his 2020 campaign. I have come up with several captivating slogan ideas I plan to pitch to God’s Chosen Leader if he will ever return my phone calls. I’m just getting started.
Trump 2020 – Re-elect Me and I’ll Set Melania Free
Trump 2020 – Leading Our Country to Greatness, One Rage Tweet at a Time
Trump 2020 – Because It’s Time We Finally Opened Up Our National Parks to Bear Hunting and Oil Drilling
Trump 2020 – People Who Say I’m a Divisive President are Big, Fat, Ugly Losers
Trump 2020 – I’m a Very Stable Genius – Just ask Hannity
Trump 2020 – Making America the World Leader in Global Warming (That’s a good thing, isn’t it, Jared?)
Trump 2020 – Because Only I Can Save You* (*The preceding claim applies to millionaires, billionaires, Fortune 500 CEO’s, and members of Mar-a-Lago)
Trump 2020 – I’m Putin America First
Trump 2020 – Erasing Obama’s Legacy One Executive Order at a Time
Trump 2020 – Because who are you going to believe, 10,000 newspapers, magazines, cable networks and your own eyes or ME?
Trump 2020 – Keeping Out Mexicans Since 2017
Trump 2020 – Any Screw-ups were Eric’s Fault.
Trump 2020 – There Was No Collusion – Vlad Will Back Me on This
Trump 2020 – EVERYBODY LOVES ME* (*limited exceptions include blacks, Hispanics, women, Muslims, gays, anyone from a NATO country, people who have actually met Donald Trump, pets, Mother Nature…)
Trump 2020 – America’s Best President Ever. Lincoln Was Overrated.
Trump 2020 – I Will Finish that Mexican Wall and Mexico WILL Pay For It (or the American Taxpayers will, if Mexico won’t agree to my demands)
Trump 2020 – Nobody Humps the Flag Like Me
Trump 2020 – Draining the Swamp (and filling it with Betsy DeVos, William Barr, …)
Trump 2020 – Only I Can Bring Our Country Together – Like I Did in Charlottesville
Trump 2020 – I Know More Than The Generals (That’s Why I Fired Them All and Replaced Them with a Colonel Sanders Impersonator)
Trump 2020 – I Stood Up to North Korea (and in the Process Fell In Love with Little Rocket Man)
Trump 2020 – I’m the Least Racist President In History. Negroes Love Me, Just Ask Kanye
Trump 2020 – I’m The Smartest Person You’ll Ever Meet (But If You attempt to Obtain My High School or College Transcripts, I’ll Sue You)
Trump 2020 – People May Love Fauci More Than Me, But I Can Fire Him at Any Moment
Trump 2020 – I Have the Longest Attention Spa – Hey, Look. It’s Ivanka
Trump 2020 – LAW & ORDER (describes a TV show, not my administration)
Trump 2020 – The First President to Almost Buy Greenland
Trump 2020 – It Took Me Just 12 Months to Unite All the NATO Nations (against me)
Trump 2020 – When It Comes to COVID-19, Two Words: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Trump 2020 – Only I Can Protect You from Cancer-Causing Windmills
Trump 2020 – I Aced the Memory Test: “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV” – The Doctors Couldn’t Believe It!
Trump 2020 – Creating (and Destroying) the Greatest Economy in History
Trump 2020 – I SUPPORT NATO (Not Another Term, Okay?)
Trump 2020 – People are Dying to Re-elect Me
Trump 2020 – Vote for Me. Help Me Avoid Prison.
Trump 2020 – He May Be a Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath, But He’s Also an Idiot
Trump 2020 – Because Great Leaders Inspect Bunkers During a Crisis
Trump 2020 – Tear Gassing Americans for Jesus!
Trump 2020 – Thanks to 150,000 Fewer People Left, My Unemployment Numbers Are Looking Up
Trump 2020 – What More Do You Have to Lose?
Trump 2020 – When Times Get Tough, The Tough Get Golfing
Trump 2024 – It’s Not Safe to Vote Right Now. So, I’m Postponing the Election for Four More Years
Make America Great Again…Vote for My Opponent!
Offer your own suggested slogans in the Comments section and help Make This Blog Great Again.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020