Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL is reopening after its closure due to the Covid-19 pandemic, even as the state sees a surge in new cases. — CNN, July 10, 2020
Everyone here at the Disneyland Resort is excited to once again open our park to lovers of fun and adventure. Because of the COVID-19 situation, in order to protect the health and safety of our visitors and staff, we’ve made a few small adjustments to some of our park attractions. In addition, we’ve also updated some of our attractions in light of recent social developments. Here are some of the changes you’ll find on your next visit.
Main Street U.S.A.
As you take a nostalgic stroll down Main Street U.S.A., the only small change you might notice is the stationing of an entire division of National Guard troops at key street intersections as well as S.W.A.T. team sharpshooters positioned on strategic rooftops. Don’t worry. They’re only there as a preventative measure in the unlikely event of any social justice demonstrations. To make their presence less conspicuous, they are all dressed as storm troopers from our brand new Star Wars: Galaxy Edge attraction.
Hall of Presidents
Our exhibit of incredible animatronic likenesses of the U.S. Presidents has undergone some slight modifications, including the removal of 12 of them for, well, let’s say “property issues.” In addition, for the sake of historical clarity, we’ve updated many of their biographies with references to things they said or did that could be considered racist, misogynistic, anti-Semitic, genocidal, corrupt, illegal, or otherwise despicable. Honestly, if you’ve got children with you, you might just want to skip it.
They say that “in space, no one can hear you scream.” And that’s definitely true on our updated Space Mountain ride, once you’ve been zipped into your hermetically sealed “space suit” (actually a COVID-protective hazmat suit, redesigned with an astronaut look).
Same ride, but now through pools of disinfectant.
Our exciting river boat attraction in Adventureland is just the thing to take your mind off the Coronavirus pandemic, as you cruise down the rivers of Asia, Africa and South America on a replica tramp steamer, swaddled in protective coverings in a desperate effort to avoid contracting malaria, Ebola, cholera and Dengue fever.
Ghosts, spirits, apparitions! Well, honestly, it used to seem scary. But now, compared to watching the evening news, it’s really pretty tame.
Mr. Trump’s Wild Ride
Formerly “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride,” this attraction was recently divested by Disney to offset park attendance losses and was sold to the Trump Corporation, appropriately along with the rest of Fantasyland. The ride is basically unchanged, but riders are not required to wear masks or maintain social distancing, and open carry of firearms is permitted.
Formerly “Goofy’s Playhouse.” (See above.)
Warning: By visiting the Disneyland resort, you voluntarily assume all risks related to exposure to COVID-19, an extremely contagious disease that can lead to severe illness and death. While senior citizens and guests with underlying medical conditions are especially vulnerable, people of all ages and health statuses have experienced critical debilitating effects. While in the park, avoid close contact with strangers, do not embrace costumed characters, wash hands regularly, and keep children’s exclamations of joy to a minimum to limit droplet spread.
We look forward to your visit to the Magic Kingdom. Enjoy the fun!
– Steve Fisher
This week’s post was written by guest writer, Steve Fisher, a longtime friend of Tim Jones. Steve lives in Prague, Czech Republic, where he has been an actor and writer for the past 28 years. He has published three collections of his satirical stories which appeared from 2012-2016 as a regular column in the weekly Czech magazine Reflex under the banner “Američan v Praze” (“An American in Prague”).
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020