[Author’s note: For maximum effect, this article is intended to be read at a fast pace, preferably with a thick New Jersey mobster accent. – TEJ]
THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID COMMERCIAL FROM MARVIN GUERKIN, ATTORNEY AT LAW
Hi, friend. I’m Marvin Guerkin. And I want to be YOUR lawyer. In a pickle? Guerkin is your man!
Here’s a question: Has this ever happened to you?
You notice your garbage disposal isn’t working, so you call a plumber. He takes a look and, wiping his hands on your wife’s favorite dish towel, says it’ll cost ya’ $1,800 to replace the defective disposal. You start stressin’ out about the cost, so you light up a cigarette, nervously flicking the ashes to the floor, Suddenly, ashes from your cigarette set that dish towel (which the plumber carelessly tossed on the floor) on fire, which triggers the smoke detector. That freaks out your German Shepherd Hercules, who then bolts out the front door, which you forgot to close when you let the plumber in.
You chase after Hercules, bumping into a stone table in the foyer, knocking over your priceless heirloom lamp dating back to the Ming Dynasty, which you had appraised on Antiques Roadshow for $9,700, but which now is just a pile of shattered ceramic. Your toddler, Marvin Junior, grabs a broken piece and scarfs it down, because, well, he’s a two-year-old, and all two-year-olds are idiots.
You remember that the lamp had lead paint, so you rush Junior to the ER to have his stomach pumped. In your panic, you run a stop sign, and get pulled over by Officer Cooper, who looks like he hasn’t done a push-up since the Nixon administration. Anyhoo, he issues you a ticket for reckless driving, having an expired license, and not strapping your kid into the child seat. You tell him to “Have a good day” and he thinks you’re being flip, so he orders you out of the car. You swear up and down that you haven’t been drinking (in truth you had barely more than three or four martinis). He runs your license plate and discovers four unpaid violations, which you never told your wife about.
Before you know it, you’re in the back of a cop car, headed for the 9th Precinct Station. Your phone rings and you see it’s your wife. With your hands cuffed, you fumble to answer the call. Immediately, your better half starts shouting, “Where the hell is Marvin Junior?” – which is when you realize that he’s still crawling around in the back of your car, which is parked in an abandoned lot on 36th and Broadway. Your wife is now screaming that the kitchen has gone up in flames! And the fire department is desperately trying to douse the flames which have now engulfed your entire house. Meanwhile nobody can locate your cat Buttons, not to mention Hercules.
Well, if this sounds familiar, why not give me, Marvin Guerkin, Attorney at Law, a call – any time day or night – between 2 and 4pm. But don’t call on Wednesdays (I’m at the races) or Fridays (I’m at the black jack table at Caesars). In a pickle? Guerkin’s your man!
I got another question: Has this ever happened to you?
You’re on your riding mower, mowing your lawn, just minding your own business, when your neighbor starts shouting at you about God knows what. You can’t hear him because you’ve got headphones on, listening to Vic Damone at full volume. He keeps shouting, but you ignore him, because, frankly, he’s kind of an annoying dweeb, obsessively fussing about his stupid garden.
So, he keeps on shouting until finally he rudely taps you on the shoulder, and you take off your head phones, and he screams, “Dude, what the f*ck are you doing? You just mowed down my prize-winning rose bushes!” – prompting you to make a hilarious comment about how real men go fishing, not play around in flower gardens, which oddly he does not find nearly as funny as you do – maybe it was in your delivery. Anyway, then he shoves you, leaving you no choice but to hop back on your mower to plow through his hydrangeas.
Before you can turn his nasturtiums into mulch, your neighbor, for some inexplicable reason, starts smashing the windshield of your 2007 Toyota Corolla with a golf club – using a Callaway driver at that – wow, he’s not thinking straight! I would have used a 9 iron. Technically it’s your wife’s car, so it’s not that big a deal. Still, defending her honor, you decide to take quick action to de-escalate the situation, which you do by driving your wife’s Corolla into his brand new 2019 Lexus, totaling his front end – and hers.
Then in what, if you ask me, is a major over-reaction, he calls the cops, who come to the scene, and it turns out to be the same Officer Cooper who pulled you over for running a stop sign, and well, you end up back at the 9th Precinct Station – again. And their coffee is just as bad as last time.
If this sounds like the kind of innocent mix-ups you sometimes stumble into, then call me, Marvin Guerkin, Attorney at Law. No lawyer is better at springing you out of the joint and suing your neighbor into bankruptcy than me.
MARVIN GUERKIN – The lawyer to call when ethical attorneys just aren’t up to the job!
[Disclaimer: Marvin Guerkin has been disbarred from practicing law in the following jurisdictions: Nevada, California, Florida, and Puerto Rico – oh, and Guam. He currently has a restraining order preventing him from being within 500 feet of anyone under the age of 21 or over 70. But he expects it to be thrown out on appeal. Please do not google “lawsuits against Marvin Guerkin” unless you plan to stay up all night. Mr. Guerkin requires payment in full upfront, cash, no checks. Payment in the form of luxury suite stays at Caesar’s Vegas is also acceptable.]
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019