[Note from the staff at VFTB: This week, we are privileged to feature another LIVE CHAT with noted children’s religious scholar, Reverend Norman Tornquist, host of the popular webcast, “Kids, Ask Me About God”. Tornquist is the renowned author of several books, including God Loves Kids with Braces Too, and Skittles – The Devil’s Gateway Snack. We join the LIVE CHAT already in progress….]
Reverend Tornquist: Kids, this coming Sunday is a very special day. Does anybody know what day this Sunday is? Yes, Billy?
Billy (age 8): I think I know, Reverend Tormkiss. It’s Easter!
Tornquist: That’s right, Billy. It’s Easter. And my name is actually Tornquist. Tell me, Billy, what’s so special about Easter?
Billy: Mommy and Daddy give me a big Easter basket filled with colored eggs and chocolate eggs and lots and lots of yummy candy.
Tornquist: Well, that sure sounds like fun, Billy. But do you know anything else that’s special about this particular Sunday?
Claire (age 7): Oh, I know, I know, Mr. Tourniquet.
Tornquist: That’s Tornquist. I know, it’s a hard name to pronounce. What do you think makes this Sunday so special, Claire?
Claire: My mommy gives me a giant stuffed aminal bunny every Easter. I have six of them so far. Would you like to play with them?
Tornquist: Thank you, Claire. That is so nice of you to be willing to share. Actually, I was thinking of something slightly different. Easter also marks the day that someone very important re-appeared to let the world know that he was not dead but would live on. Any guess who I’m talking about, kids?
Henry (age 9): My pet hamster, Bubbles. Last weekend, he escaped under our backyard fence, and I thought he was gone forever. But then my mommy brought him home five days later – only, when my she found him, he had some extra white patches of fur that weren’t there before. Do you think that’s a miracle?
Tornquist: Er, um, maybe, Henry. Actually, Easter is not just about eggs or Easter Bunnies – or even hamsters. It’s about Jesus. Jesus died on the cross on Good Friday. But on Easter Sunday, he re-appeared and told his disciples that he was still alive and was going to ascend to Heaven to join his father to give all believers salvation. Now that’s quite a miracle, don’t you think, kids?
Kaitlyn (age 5): I am confused, Mr. T. Why was Jesus on a cross? What parent would allow their kid to play on a cross? He could get hurt. And who’s Jesus’ daddy anyway?
Tornquist: Jesus’ dad was God! And God loves you very much, Kaitlyn. Just like he loves all his children.
Kaitlyn: Wait! So, you’re saying Daddy is not my real dad. God is? Does Mommy know? Did I do something wrong? Is Daddy being replaced by God?
Tornquist: No, no, sweetie. Your Daddy is still your Daddy.
Kaitlyn: So, I have two daddies? Like my friend, Hailey? She has an old dad and a new dad, who’s not very nice, if you ask me.
Tornquist: No, Kaitlyn. You just have one daddy.
Kaitlyn: Could you make up your mind, Reverend Thornsquid? This God stuff is very confusing.
Tornquist: It’s Tornsquid!! I mean TornQUIST! I am sorry if this is confusing. My point is that this Sunday is the day we celebrate the wonderful story of Jesus.
Joshua (age 7): Will Jesus be bringing me an Easter basket filled with Sweetheart candies? Because, if you ask me, that would be a miracle, since the company that made them went belly-up a year ago, isn’t that right, Reverend Tornado?
Tornquist: Tornquist, just Tornquist. Is it really so hard to pronounce, kids? And Jesus brings us something even more special.
Joshua: So, he’ll be bringing me a ginormous Robot Easter Bunny?
Tornquist: Not exactly. Kids, I think we may be losing sight of the real meaning of Easter.
Charlotte (age 4): I agree, Principal Turtlekins. The real meaning of Easter is marshmallow peeps. I like the pink ones bestest. What color do you like?
Tornquist: It’s Reverend, and I have not really given peeps colors much thought. Easter is a time when we think about how Jesus came to save us all.
Tornquist: Noah, who, pray tell, is Bandit?
Noah: He’s my hedgehog. He protects me from monsters. Jesus isn’t a monster, is he?
Tornquist: Of course not, Noah. Jesus is your friend. He loves you.
Abigail (age 3): But he’s still not bringing me an Easter basket, is he, Reverend Toadkill?
Tornquist: That’s Toadquist… I mean… I’m sorry, Abby, he’s not bringing you candy. But Jesus just might bring you something far more delightful. Want to know what that is?
Abigail: Unless it’s a live bunny, I’m a hard pass. I asked my dad for a bunny for Christmas, but all he got me was an Easy Bake Oven. I think my dad is sexist.
Tornquist: How old are you, Abigail?
Abigail (holding up three fingers): This many years. I like Pez.
Tornquist: You don’t say! Okay, kids, any other questions about Easter I can answer?
Elliott (age 8): Does Jesus have his own Easter Bunny? What’s its name? I like the name Snowball.
Tornquist: Still stuck on the whole Easter Bunny thing, are we? Kids, I have no idea if Jesus had his own bunny named Snowball. I don’t think bunnies were his thing. I think he hung out more with sheep. And he came to save the world.
Zoey (age 5): Including the bunnies, right? ‘Because if he doesn’t save the bunnies, then I don’t like Jesus. He better save all the bunnies. And the kitties. And the horsies. And the ducks and – …
Tornquist: Zoey, I think you may be thinking about Noah.
Noah: What??? I don’t have time to save all the animals. I have homework. And horsies stink!
Tornquist: I was actually talking about a different Noah, son. But that’s a story for another time. Any more questions about Easter, kids – OTHER than the Easter Bunny, that is?
Hunter (age 9): I do, I do, Mr. T.
Tornquist: Yes, Hunter. What’s your question?
Hunter: For Easter dinner, can you tell my mom to serve something besides ham? I’m sick of ham. She serves it every year!
Tornquist: I see. And what exactly would you prefer her to serve for Easter dinner, Hunter?
Hunter: A giant chocolate Easter Bunny! That would be awesome!
Tornquist: Sigh… Well, that’s all the time we have, kids. Join me next week for another session of “Kids, Ask Me about God”, when I’ll invite youngsters to ask about Adam and Eve. (Something tells me I may regret that topic.)
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019