The older I get, the more time I spend at ologists. You know – the dermatologist, cardiologist, urologist, gastroenterologist, colonoscopologist, and, for reasons I’m still a little fuzzy about, my geologist. Recently, I had to go to the hospital for a minor procedure with one of those ologists.
While getting ready in pre-op, I was instructed to completely disrobe and put on one of those ever-so–flattering, open-in-the-back hospital gowns. To complete my ensemble, they required me to wear a stylish shower cap. Then my wife and the nurse barged in and this photo was taken. Between the nurse’s expression and my garb, this photo looks like an opening for an Onion News piece. So, I posted it on Facebook and solicited suggestions for an appropriately clever or snarky caption.
Below are just a few of the submissions I received, plus some caption ideas of my own.…
Nurse, does this hospital gown make my butt look fat?
Mr. Jones, Your results are in. Congratulations. It’s a boy.
WTF? Is that a… TAIL!!!!???
And that’s when the nurse noticed that Tim’s colonoscopy prep was still working.
Nurse, is it absolutely necessary they shave my pubic region? After all, I’m only here for an initial consultation about a mole on my shoulder.
Excuse me, ma’am, but does this dress come in beige? Do you have something in a size 10?
I’m sorry, Mr. Jones, but a skin graft to cover your backside scar from Little League days is not a procedure this office handles.
So, for the hair transplant, could you ask the doctor to harvest the hair from back here? There should be more than enough to cover my bald spot.
Just one question. What exactly did they do in surgery? And where the hell is my butt? Okay, I guess that was two questions.
Nurse, I was told that after five colonoscopies, the next one is free. Here’s my punch card. Is that promotion still going on?
Whoa, Mr. Jones, your cologne is pungent. What did you do, bathe in it?
Nurse, can I get your help? I’m having a little trouble zipping up my gown.
Excuse me, Mr. Jones, but this is a dentist’s office. We don’t handle that type of cavity problem here.
Tim began to get mildly concerned when the nurse announced, “Mr. Jones, please follow me to the breast implant operating room now.”
Mr. Jones, taking off all your clothes and putting on that gown was really not necessary. We’re just checking your blood pressure today.
As he watched the staff person insert a tube in his arm, Tim decided then and there that he would never go to that hair salon ever again.
Nurse, while we wait for the doctor to begin the procedure, let me teach you the steps to the Macarena, okay?
Go ahead, Mr. Jones. Feel free to grab your ass. Because, trust me, nobody else will.
Tim was embarrassed when he noticed several other patients had apparently selected strikingly similar outfits as the one he was wearing.
Mr. Jones, if it’s that important to you, then yes, when the procedure is over, you can keep the shower cap. But, for the last time, you can’t keep the gown.
Nurse, my wife is a huge Grey’s Anatomy fan. By any chance, will Dr. McDreamy be the surgeon today? My wife asked if she could get a selfie with him while I’m under.
At least I don’t have to worry that my daughters might see this embarrassing photo. They never read my blog.
Mr. Jones, I’m not quite sure why you’re wearing that hospital gown, but please have a seat in our waiting room. It will still be another few minutes before your car’s new tires are installed.
Got a better caption? Feel free to share your own suggestion in the comments box below.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019