In the past two years, our nation has become increasingly polarized. We’ve become a divided nation, with people firmly rooted in one camp or the other. There appears to be no end in sight to the name-calling and stereotyping. We’ve even taken to unfriending people on Facebook simply because they don’t agree with us on this fractious issue.
I am, of course, talking about the seismic upheaval created by perhaps our country’s most contentious debate: Which is better, pie or cake? If you’re expecting me to be the voice of moderation, forget about it. Because the answer is so obvious. CAKE IS WAY BETTER THAN PIE!
Go ahead and disagree if you like. That just means you’re dead to me. You clearly are living in Crazy Town! To all those Piehards out there, I say: LET THEM EAT CAKE!
Now let’s get one thing out of the way right up front. You pienosaurs tout the slogan “as American as apple pie.” Nice try. That saying became popular back in the 1850s. You know what else was popular back then? Slavery – something no cake aficionado would ever condone.
If you love America, then in this food fight you’d choose cake. Oh sure, pie was pretty cool once – back in the 1920’s, sitting on the window sill of your great grandmother’s kitchen. But wake up. It’s 2018. Pie is so 20th century. If you ask me, pie is nothing more than a glorified, overstuffed pop tart. Cake, on the other hand, is almost a euphoric experience. You think I’m half-baked making that claim? Then you’ve never tasted red velvet cake. What a pitiful life you must lead.
Cake is for celebrations like anniversaries, graduations, and the most special day of the year: your child’s birthday. I dare you to present your little cherub with birthday mincemeat pie. That pie will be in your face before you can utter “Happy Bir-“. But don’t worry. You won’t have to apologize to your angel – because in this country we bake birthday CAKES.
Tell me, when was the last time you saw the bride and groom share a piece of wedding pie? Never. And thankfully, you never will! Because it’s called a wedding CAKE, fella. But don’t worry, you disgusting pie-romanicacs, there actually is a pie for one occasion: DEATH. That’s right. It’s called Funeral Pie. Pie that literally sucks the life out of you. How fitting.
When co-worker Mary has brought her special dessert and it’s waiting for everyone in the break room, be honest. Are you hoping she’s baked a pecan pie? Or her chocolate – raspberry cake? Only a terrorist sympathizer would wish for pie.
Cakes come in every size and shape you can possibly imagine. Literally anything. I once saw a cake shaped like Godzilla plowing through Tokyo. Pies have one form – round. Could they be any more boring?
Cakes often have sprinkles. Pies don’t. Ever! That’s because pies are made by people who hate happiness and despise children. When at the county fair, don’t waste your time searching for funnel pie to stuff into your pie hole – because they only serve funnel cake.
Let me ask you a question, Mr. Piehead. What do you put on top of a pie? That’s right – whipped cream – which, according to my research comes in exactly ONE flavor – whipped cream flavor. Meanwhile cake has something your pie NEVER will have: F-R-O-S-T-I-N-G! How many flavors does frosting come in? I just checked. A gazillion and seven.
If you were bored, with no one nearby to shame you, and you opened up the kitchen pantry, which would you prefer to snack on, pie filling or frosting? The only honest answer is frosting. Even a five-year-old knows that. If you said pie filling, you have just lied to the American people. You are a worthless parasite who has never done an honest day’s work in your life.
In doing research for this article, I came across some shocking statistics. Did you know that compared to cake lovers, folks who prefer pie:
- Are 75% more likely to kick innocent kittens
- Are 67% more likely to hate America
- Are 84% more likely to embezzle from their employers
- And are really bad at spelling
Pretty unbelievable, I know. Lest you think I just made up these findings to bolster my argument, I am shocked you would think that. Making up data is something pie lovers would do, because they have no morals.
By the way, did you know that 3.14159265359 is Pi? But you can’t eat Pi. On the other hand, most young children’s birthday cakes come with numbers on them – and they all taste scrumptious!
I honestly don’t know if I will ever be able to make peace with the Pie Brains of this country. But perhaps Team Cake and Team Pie can start by finding some small area of common ground: our mutual disdain for those freaks who like fruitcake.
We stand united in the belief there is no place in our great God-fearing country for those lowlifes. “Take your rock-hard fruitcake and move back to Fruitopia, where you belong, you fruitcake!!” – is what I would say, if I weren’t such a man of dignity and refinement.
What’s this? My wife just baked a marionberry pie and insists I try a bite. Ridiculous. [Chomp, slurp, chomp some more…] Hmm. That was actually… pretty good. Incredibly good. Wow. Um, is it too late for me to change my vote?
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2018