Lately, I’ve been carrying a heavy burden that I need to get off my chest. There are many things I feel guilty about, and I just have to come clean about them to my loyal readers – all eleven of you. In the spirit of Stephen Colbert’s Midnight Confessions, I have decided to make my own public confessions to all who care to listen.
[NOTE: Before reading my heartfelt confessions below, please turn up the volume of your speakers, then click on this link, skip past the commercial and wait about four seconds, after which you’ll hear some appropriate background confessional music. Then return to this page to read my confessions. God bless you, my friend.]
Sometimes I can be a bit lazy. Like when my wife asks me to clean the sheets of the guest bedroom after our most recent visitors have left, I will say “Absolutely, honey” but then I’ll simply pull the bed covers over the sheets without changing them.
Sometimes I will tell my neighbor that his lawn looks great, when secretly, deep down in my heart, I know it doesn’t. It really needs to be weeded.
I’m not proud of this, but recently, when I played golf with my buddies, I told the guy keeping score that I got an 9 on the par-3 eleventh hole, when really I got a 10.
When donating food to the homeless, there have been times when instead of putting the Girl Scout Thin Mints cookies in the donation bag, I’ll put in graham crackers. Because I don’t particularly care for graham crackers – unless they’re the cinnamon ones, in which case I’ll probably keep them, too.
I don’t always exercise as much as I should. Like the other day, when I committed to do the exercycle for 45 minutes. In my defense, I was on it for the full 45 minutes. But in full disclosure, I napped for the last 30. The seat was surprisingly comfy.
There have been times when I told my wife I flossed. But I hadn’t.
I don’t always eat right. My wife recently told me I need to get more green foods into my diet. So, I went to the 7-11 and bought a quart of mint chocolate chip ice cream. In hindsight, that probably was not what she meant.
When I am under stress, I can be slightly rude to strangers. Like last Tuesday, this guy who was new to the area came up to me in the hardware store and asked if I could recommend a good coffee shop in town. I suggested the 7/11 on Main Street. What he didn’t know is I don’t drink coffee.
I feel bad that sometimes I’m not always the most supportive parent. Last week, my elder daughter was upset because her roommate had eaten all her hummus without asking permission. I told my daughter I could totally understand why she was upset. In reality, I couldn’t. I can’t stand hummus.
I sometimes cut corners. Like last night, when my wife shouted for me to “get off your lazy butt and feed the cats”, since she had fed them every morning and evening for the past two weeks. But I was playing Angry Birds on my cell phone at the time. And I was eating spaghetti. So, I fed the cats one of the meat balls. They seemed to like it just fine. And I read somewhere that cats are carnivores.
Recently, I bought my wife a lovely bracelet. She told me “You shouldn’t have.” She’s probably right. I bought it at K-Mart for $15.00. I figured it would help me feel less guilty about having bought my new golf clubs without telling her. I still felt guilty about that. Oh not enough to return the clubs, mind you. But at least I felt bad about it, so that should count for something, right? To save money, I could always return the bracelet and then pretend to get upset at my wife for losing it. Should I feel guilty for thinking of this idea?
I sometimes deliberately screw up doing a household chore, like watering the plants – just so my wife won’t ever ask me again to water the plants.
Sometimes, I spend way too much time on Facebook when I should be helping Michele promote her portrait art business. But in my defense, sending emails to university presidents asking them to get their portrait done is way less fun than watching a video of a kitten eating ice cream.
Sometimes, when I am under time pressure to write a blog post and I just can’t think of a new idea, I borrow a bit from a late night television host and rework it to appear like it’s my own original idea.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2016