Do you have a spare tire around your middle that you’d like to get rid of? How about trying Dyzastra?
Stomach pain, the common cold and restless leg syndrome are no match for Dyzastra.
Do you have toenail fungus that just won’t go away? Maybe it’s time you tried Dyzastra.
Dyzastra is perfect for just about anything that ails you. Thinning hair, chronic lower back pain, indigestion, arthritis, pinkeye? Dyzastra can help. And Dyzastra can do so much more.
Dyzastra can lower blood pressure, reverse the effects of diabetes, heart disease and cancer, and even improve your memory. Gingivitis, halitosis, constipation? They’re all things of the past, thanks to Dyzastra.
If you’re suffering from asthma, eczema, sore throat, depression, or illusions of grandeur, ask yourself one question: “Why haven’t I tried Dyzastra?”
Do you find that you get easily annoyed from reading a long list of questions about Dyzastra? Then ask your doctor if Dyzastra is right for you.
[Possible side effects from using Dyzastra include nasal discharge, nausea, sudden loss of appetite and fatigue. Other side effects may include itching, rash, dry mouth, drowsiness and dizziness. Consult your doctor if you notice internal bleeding or sudden bouts of unconsciousness while driving. People using Dyzastra have sometimes experienced prolonged periods of rage and an uncontrollable desire to drink paint. In rare cases, people using Dyzastra have been known to experience confusion about their sexual orientation and a fear of the number five. Stop taking Dyzastra if you suspect that everyone is out to kill you or if you experience an inexplicable desire to vote for Donald Trump. If you have difficulty making counterclockwise motions, stop taking Dyzastra. If you plan to engage in sexual activity, please consult a physician before taking Dyzastra. Do not take Dyzastra if you have ever been to Europe or plan to in the future. People taking Dyzastra may sometimes experience a temporary loss of speech, hearing and ability to swallow. In rare cases, Dyzastra has been associated with an urge to perform dance numbers from the musical Godspell in inappropriate settings like board meetings. Do not use Dyzastra within 48 hours of consuming meat, seafood, cheese, dairy products or any food containing sugar. People who take Dyzastra for longer than seven days may experience weight gains of 30 to 50%. Other possible side effects may include insomnia, deep sadness for the nation of Bolivia or paranoid feelings that their mail carrier’s girlfriend is trying to blackmail them. You may experience a sudden fear of anything round, especially clocks, pies and full moons. People taking Dyzastra may attempt to take drastic action to deport people who are more attractive than themselves. In rare cases, taking Dyzastra can be fatal, particularly when ingested with rat poison or anything from the menu at Olive Garden. People taking Dyzastra should avoid sudden movements – or slow movements. In fact, it’s probably best if you just stay in bed and watch Sesame Street while taking this medication. Consult your doctor if you experience any of the following symptoms while taking Dyzastra: heartburn, diarrhea, or sexual arousal upon seeing photos of Steve Buscemi. Do not take Dyzastra if you’re Bulgarian or saw the movie Sharknado and actually liked it. Dyzastra is not recommended for people who are Jewish or who have ever dated a Jewish person or are worried they might someday turn into a Jewish mother. If you are pregnant or have been in eye contact with someone you suspect might be pregnant, do not take Dyzastra. Left-handed people are advised not to take Dyzastra while watching TV. Do not apply Dyzastra directly to your genital area – or to house plants. It will kill a hydrangea within minutes. People using Dyzastra for long periods may forget how to spell their own name, construct coherent sentences or count past three. In rare cases, Dyzastra may cause users to mistake their smart phone for a Belgian waffle. Dyzastra is not currently available in states containing the letters “A” or “I” in their name. It is not suitable for young children, teens, adults or seniors or anyone who does not enjoy acute abdominal pain. Dyzastra has not yet been approved by the FDA for use with humans, but so far it appears to be harmless to lower life forms like sea anemones. For a comprehensive list of possible side effects, Google ‘horrible side effects caused by Dyzastra.’]
So what are you waiting for? Ask your doctor about Dyzastra. It just might change your life in ways you couldn’t imagine.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2015