It started out innocently enough. My wife asked me to go to Costco because we were low on shampoo. No biggie. Quick errand. I’ll be back in time for the start of the baseball game. My mistake was listening to my wife when she asked me to go to COSTCO.
The second I entered the behemoth warehouse, I was overcome by the allure of wall-to-wall gigantic flat screen Hi-Def TVs showing exotic tropical waterfalls. Some in 3-D. Ooh! I noticed a sign that said if you buy the home theatre sound system package, you can get a 65” flat screen HDTV for only $850 more. What a bargain. So I added an LG 65″ Class 3D 1080p 120Hz LED HDTV with 4 Pairs of 3D Glasses (for the kids) to my flatbed cart.
As I was lugging my cart towards the shampoo aisle, I couldn’t help but notice the festive Christmas tree display. An 8-ft Pre-Lit Clear Mixed Country Artificial Pine Christmas Tree complete with 800 Clear Dura-Lit Mini-lights for $20 off! Think how much I will save by buying it now before the holiday season. Plus, I’d be doing my part to save the world’s endangered commercial tree farms. So I wedged the tree in between the TV and the sound system and continued on my merry way.
Don’t forget the shampoo, I reminded myself. But just before I reached the beauty products aisle, I spotted this handy dandy 3-speed nail gun in hardware. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted one of those. Just $79.99 (regularly $99.99). Of course I added it to my cart. And if you’re going to buy a nail gun, you’ll also need an electric drill – oh, and the accompanying Black & Decker 300-piece Ultimate Super Drill Bit Set for just $69.99 more. Sure, the last time I used an electric drill was in high school woodworking class. But you never know when you may need to build a jungle gym for those precious grandchildren (whom I hope to have within the next 15 years).
I almost made it to the shampoo aisle when I noticed a commotion to my left. There was this fruit juicer demonstration, where the pitchman was transforming what looked to be kiwi fruit, bananas and Lego blocks into a delicious fruit smoothie in seconds. Wow! But this wasn’t just any juicer. This was the Vitamix 5200 Ultimate Juicer & Blender, on sale TODAY ONLY for just $649.99. I know what you’re thinking – isn’t that a bit steep for a juicer? Not when I tell you that it comes with a lifetime warranty on everything but the blade and the motor, and they even throw in a juicer recipe DVD. So, I added it to the cart.
The thought of having fruit smoothies for breakfast got me thinking about health and fitness. Which is why I decided to purchase the XTERRA® FS5.25e3 Position Adjustable Incline Ergonomic 20” Stride Elliptical for only $1,229.99. Lest ye judge that I may have gone a tad overboard, I should point out that it has 15 different resistance settings and it only requires some assembly. Besides, I bought it for the whole family, not just for me.
And what’s better after a vigorous workout than a cold beer? That’s why I also had to get the Wine Enthusiast N’FINITY 340-bottle Multi-temp Glass Door Wine Cellar – a must have for only $2,999.99. Okay, I admit I don’t drink wine – or beer for that matter – but I’m fairly sure it could easily double as a fruit/vegetable crisper, which I will have plenty of, now that I bought the Vitamix 5200 juicer machine.
As I lugged my growing series of flatbed carts through the store, I happened upon the garden center display. I have to tell you that all-weather wrought iron patio set with collapsible umbrella looked so summery. But I was not about to succumb to that temptation – not when I already owned two other patio sets from previous trips to Costco. No, I realized that a much wiser investment would be the Easy Grow 8′ x 8′ Greenhouse with double doors and three vents for just $1,299.99. I actually had never thought about taking up horticulture until precisely that instant. But then I realized: what a wonderful hobby to do with my wife when we retire 11 years from now. She will respect that I am planning ahead. Into the cart it went.
I’m not sure how long this buying contagion lasted. It was all a bit of a blur. One incredible bargain after another: a two-in-one gas-powered tiller-mulcher (for that exquisitely thatched lawn). Then there was the twelve-month supply of Huggies disposable diapers. I know our kids are all grown up. But the savings were too great to pass up.
I kept adding more items to more flatbed carts. It wasn’t until I got out of the store and noticed I had somehow also managed to purchase a Dayton brand Solid Wood Casket with an off-white, full-velvet interior and gold-plated swing bar handles that I suspected I might have gone a bit overboard. Okay, so I’d gone completely out of control. But I figured a casket might actually come in quite handy in the very near future, because, with everything I’d bought today, for sure my wife was going to kill me.
Shopping at Costco can be a dangerous adventure for any married male. As I sit here, writing about my reckless Costco buying binge, I have this nagging feeling that despite everything I bought, I still forgot something. For the life of me, I can’t think of what it might be….
Oh, crap. Shampoo.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook. Today’s post was sponsored by Costco – where you can find everything you need – plus a ton of crap you don’t.
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2014