I believe it’s every American’s duty to do their small part to make our country a better place to live. That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to take immediate executive action to DEPORT MY NEIGHBOR BERT ZABLINSKI NOW! Have you seen his lawn? The last time his grass was less than a foot high, dinosaurs roamed the earth. And don’t get me started about his front yard collection of 47 plastic African garden gnomes or his 14-foot tall sculpture of Elvis giving the finger which he made using only Budweiser cans and Cheez Whiz.
Someone has to take action. Why not the President? I discovered this great web site called We the People, which lets you directly petition the White House. It gets over 300 petitions a day, many from people able to construct nearly complete sentences with nouns and verbs.
The We the People Petition-the-White-House web site was launched in September 2011, and has since received more than 142,000 petitions and 9.2 million signatures. The volume of petitions has spiked since Obama’s re-election in November 2012, mostly from disaffected white southerners furious about Obama’s apparent plans to take away everyone’s guns and require us all to convert to Islam. I must have missed that news story.
In recent months, thousands of average Americans – not to mention even more sub-average ones – have been speaking their minds to the White House. They have signed petitions on a wide range of issues critically important to the future of our great democracy. Here is small representative sampling of actual petitions submitted to the We the People web site (and I swear I am not making any of these up):
- Stop printing the penny – This petition has received several thousand signatures, along with more than $500 in donated pennies.
- Deport CNN’s Piers Morgan back to Great Britain – for repeatedly arguing the USA needs to enact tougher gun control measures – more than 100,000 signatures in the first three days.
- Don’t deport Piers Morgan back to Great Britain – approximately 25 signatures, mostly by relatives of Piers Morgan back in the U.K.
- Each state should have its own official Pokémon character – sort of like a state bird, only nerdier. Only 700 signatures so far; it would have been more but apparently many potential signers’ moms told them that it was bedtime and time to turn off the computer.
- Bar Beyoncé from singing at presidential inaugurations – I’m guessing for lip syncing. 500 votes so far. Question: Is it just me, or didn’t it look like Obama was also lip syncing when he gave his Inaugural Address?
- Build a death star like in Star Wars, to protect us from an eventual alien attack – over 34,000 signatures, presumably mostly by people dressed up as Princess Leia or Darth Vader.
- Give everyone a unicorn and a lollipop for Boxing Day – Since Boxing Day is a Canadian holiday, I suspect this one won’t get enacted any time soon. Besides, we have a severe unicorn shortage due to over-hunting. It may take years before they again roam the Great Plains in large numbers.
- Let Texas to secede from the USA – Over 150,000 people have signed this petition to date; I’m guessing mostly fed-up Oklahomans. Come on, people. Let’s help out Texas and sign this important petition. Who’s with me?
- Grant Canada the right to secede from the USA and become its own country – Yeah, like that’s ever going to happen, Canada. Texas has a better chance.
A word about Texas’s petition to secede. That started a domino chain of events with 30 other states petitioning to secede, each with more than 25,000 signatures (Canada was not among them). Perhaps not surprisingly, this rash of secession petitions spawned yet another actual petition: Deport Everyone Who Signed A Petition To Withdraw Their State From The USA, which currently has just under 30,000 signatures. Rumor has it someone is already working on a new petition to deport everyone who signed the petition to deport everyone who signed the petition to secede from the USA.
Admit it. Suddenly my petition to get my neighbor Bert Zablinski deported is starting to sound pretty reasonable by comparison, isn’t it? I have even created my own SUPER PAC to raise money for my cause: VFTB America. I’m thinking it will stand for Victims Fighting to Take Back America. But then again, I’m kind of partial to Vegetarians For Teddy Bears. I can’t decide.
My SUPER PAC will also target other important social issues I that demand President Obama address in his second term. I’m still compiling my list, but here are a few items I plan to include in upcoming petitions:
- Force my daughter to clean up her room; Alternatively, at least declare it a Federal Disaster Area, so I can get matching federal aid.
- Don’t let NBC cancel my favorite TV show, Parks and Recreation. Amy Poehler is just too adorable.
- Issue an Executive Order to ban four more months of endless clouds and rain here in Seattle. I’m sick of it. Donate our rain to a more needy region, like, say, Chad.
- Make Starbucks stop calling their coffee sizes Grande, Venti, and Trenta. This is America, God damn it. Make them speak American.
- Make Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough the official ice cream flavor of the USA. I really don’t think any additional justification is necessary.
Please help me make America a better, more tolerant country by signing my petition to deport my neighbor Bert Zablinksi. While you’re signing, could you just make a tiny $100 donation payable to VFTB America? I may not be able to convince the White House to kick my annoying neighbor out of the country, but God willing, I just might collect enough donations to pay off my kids’ college loans. And that’s a start.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, please let me know by sharing it on Facebook, posting a comment or giving it a. And while you’re at it, please sign my petition to make this humor blog the official humor blog of the USA. It’s the patriotic thing to do.
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2013