Last week I shared with you some bold new initiatives planned by America’s leading Tea Party politicians to wipe out the entire US Debt before the end of the year. Think of it as a gigantic Christmas present to America from the Tea Party (so long as you’re not elderly, disabled, poor, a member of a labor union, Muslim or, worse yet, gay).
You can read last week’s post here, where you will learn about brilliant ideas put forth by some of the brightest stars in the Tea Party caucus of Congress to save trillions in wasteful spending in the areas of healthcare, education, and financial regulatory reform.
As brilliant as those thoughtful plans are, I’ve saved the best of the best for this week’s conclusion. So let’s get started, shall we? Here are some even more brilliant debt-reduction schemes waiting to be implemented by the Tea Party-controlled Congress* (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Koch Brothers Industries*).
Kentucky’s Tea Party Senator Rand Paul has a daring new solution to the unemployment crisis: Ship all of America’s unemployed to Mexico. Speaking briefly yesterday to a gathering of people dressed like Ben Franklin, Paul said, “Let’s be honest. Most of these people stopped looking for work eight months ago. Now they are just draining the coffers of our states’ unemployment insurance plans. It’s not like any of them is going to get a decent-paying job any time soon.”
Paul’s innovative cost-cutting plan will ship anyone over the age of 21 (age 25 if you’re married with children) who has been unemployed for more than five months to Guadalajara, Mexico. Paul is confident that with American workers’ superior education, training and competitive dental hygiene, they are sure to shine in Mexico’s robust job market – leapfrogging over most Mexicans as they compete for jobs as textile factory workers, fruit pickers, and, if lucky, drug mules.
South Carolina’s Tea Party Congressman Joe “YOU LIE” Wilson, has recently proposed his own ingenious plan to shave trillions off of our national debt – by shaving off trillions of acres off of America.
“Let’s face it,” said Wilson to a gathering of men and women dressed up like Abraham Lincoln recently. “Several states like California, Oregon, Washington, New York and Massachusetts have made a mockery of America’s heartland values.” He went on to denounce these radically leftwing blue states for routinely taunting America’s small town moral majority.
Wilson’s plan eliminates countless national debt-related problems caused by the presence of leftwing liberals, gays, unionized teachers and Bill Maher once and for all – by unilaterally seceding any state from the Union which is deemed morally bankrupt – as determined by a phone-in poll of Rush Limbaugh radio listeners.
Wilson’s “Most of America First” plan will save what’s left of our nation after the secession trillions of dollars in healthcare costs and unemployment benefits, not to mention substantially reducing the number of frivolous civil rights lawsuits from gays – in part because most of them won’t technically be living in our country anymore. In response to angry complaints from residents of California and New York who expressed outrage that this unilateral secessionary move was unfair and unconstitutional, Representative Wilson shouted back, “Repeat after me, rest of America: ‘Not my problem.’ “
Finally, in a bold display of patriotism and compromise with his Democratic colleagues across the aisle, Iowa Representative Steve King, normally a staunch opponent of taxes and reason, is sponsoring groundbreaking tax legislation:
“The government shall levy a 25% federal income surtax on anyone who appears to be Muslim or speaks Arabic fluently – 35% if ‘Mohammed’ appears anywhere in their name or they insist on wearing burkas.”
At a press conference, Representative King asserted that his tax proposal, the complete text of which appears above, needed no further explanation nor justification. Amen, Congressman. Amen.
King then abruptly left in his private Learjet for a round of golf at Pebble Beach with the Koch brothers and House Speaker Boehner, where they plan to discuss ways to eliminate Social Security for anyone earning less than $150,000 a year.
I applaud our inspirational Tea Party leaders. They are passionate about their beliefs and they stick to their guns (often literally). I know of no other political group in our nation’s history that has ever had such titanic aspirations for our country. I can’t imagine there could be any icebergs ahead.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2011