As a professional journalist, it is my job to stay informed about important news stories and trends, so you don’t have to. This week, as I have done every year since this blog’s inception in 1975, I take stock in the people and events that shaped our world over the past 365 days.
[Editor’s note: For those of you following the Jewish calendar, look for my special Rosh Hashanah “You won’t believe what the Goyim world did to our people this past year” Edition, to be published at sundown on September 28, 2011, the start of the Jewish New Year. – TEJ]
Consider this my Holiday gift to you – a week late, sorry. Blame it on the Post Office. Here is the annual View from the Bleachers’ Year in Review – 2010 Edition, or as I like to call it VFTBYIR-2010E, for short.
Oh, just one thing: Pay no attention to the subtle and repeated placement of gratuitous links to previous VFTB articles scattered throughout this week’s post. My tech person told me search engines like that sort of stuff. Hope you don’t mind. Let’s get started, shall we?
January: Avatar smashes box office records as the biggest grossing movie of all time (not to be confused with Cannibal Holocaust, which gets VFTB’s vote for grossest movie of all time). Thanks to Avatar’s amazing 3D effects and unprecedented profits, Hollywood begins unleashing a tidal wave of 3D films for 2010, including Alice in Wonderland, Toy Story 3, Rocky XXXVII and Oscar-buzz, early odds-on favorite for Best Picture, Jack Ass 3D (right).
Film studios scramble to re-release classics, digitally re-mastered in 3D. You haven’t seen Citizen Kane until you’ve seen it in 3D. His sled Rosebud almost runs you over. (Oops. Hope I didn’t spoil anything.) I’m waiting for Gandhi 3D.
In other news, a magnitude 7.0 earthquake all but wipes Haiti off the world map, killing hundreds of thousands and leaving hundreds of thousands more homeless. Only 7% of Americans, however, have ever heard of Haiti, let alone are able to locate it on a world atlas, so it’s not like this is a big news story or anything. Sorry I even mentioned it.
February: “Snowmaggedon 2010” pounds the Mid-Atlantic States with snowfalls ranging from 2 to 3 feet. Parts of our nation’s Capitol are buried in as much as 40 inches. The storm shuts down Congress for an entire week. Nobody notices. Environmental naysayers proclaim the storm to be conclusive proof that Global Warming is a myth, much like Al Gore. Glenn Beck goes on the airways to announce the snowstorm is God’s clear message that the Mid-Atlantic States have turned their back on God and God is pissed. Coming soon to a sinning East Coast populace: Snowpocalypse 2011 – The Lord’s Revenge.
As first reported here in VFTB, the Vancouver Winter Olympics are marred with controversy and myriad logistical problems. Accusations are leveled about unfair advantages for the home team (more practice time on the ice). Warm weather and lack of snow combine to delay several downhill events. Thousands of viewers complain about the serious lack of figure skating, snowboarding and curling. Meanwhile, thousands of viewers complain that there is way too much figure skating, snowboarding and curling. In the closing ceremonies, one of the giant phallic torch pillars (right) malfunctions and fails to become erect. In retrospect, the sponsor behind the pillars climax display, Viagra, regrets its marketing buy. In other words, the Olympics are a smashing success, as usual.
Reports surface that hundreds of thousands are still homeless in Haiti, amidst a widespread concern about an outbreak of Cholera. The news goes from bad to worse… blah blah blah … [Note to self: Check out location of Haiti on a world map. I think it’s next to Cameroon.]
In earth-shattering news, Simon Cowbell announces he is leaving American Idol after this season. Rumors swirl that his replacement could be Sarah Palin but she turns down the Idol gig so she can film her upcoming reality series Sarah Palin’s Alaska, in which viewers learn why being able to shoot a moose from a helicopter is an important qualification to become our next president. Speaking of killing, her clothes on the show are to die for. Sales of polar bear waist coats soar.
March: In perhaps the biggest piece of healthcare legislation in over half a century, President Obama signs the landmark Healthcare Reform Act of 2010 after months of partisan bickering and controversy that it goes too far and does not go far enough. Republicans vow to repeal the healthcare reform, claiming the new legislation violates every American’s constitutional right to decide how they wish for their private insurers to totally screw them. Read VFTB’s take on the outrageous health care legislation as first reported back in March. The nation breathes a collective sigh of relief now that this contentious issue has finally been put to rest once and for all.
In other news, popular Latin singer Ricky Martin (shown here pretending to be gay) shocks the world and ends years of speculation by finally announcing that he is in fact gay. Rumors begin to leak out that perhaps actor Ellen DeGeneres and crooner Clay Aikens might be gay, as well. In other stunning revelations, VFTB reports that Rush Limbaugh is exposed to be an egotistical, bombastic, racist, windbag homophobe (did we mention he’s a moron?) and a front runner for Fox News’ “Person We Most Admire” for 2010.
April: VFTB is among the first news sites (in its June 5, 2010 installment of VFTB), to break the news of the explosion of BP’s offshore drilling platform, the Deepwater Horizon, in the Gulf of Mexico. The explosion kills a dozen oil workers, and the ensuing oil leak creates one of the worst environmental disasters in US history, if you don’t count Donald Trump’s hair. In the aftermath, hundreds of miles of ocean shoreline and wildlife are threatened, as are the livelihoods of thousands of gulf coast fishermen.
On the bright side, gulf coast fishermen don’t have to worry about those pesky pelicans trying to eat their catch anymore, now that there are no more pesky pelicans – or gulf coast fishermen. More good news is on the way: BP announces it’s very close to unveiling a surefire solution to stop the oil spill quickly, before things get out of control. Phew. That’s a relief.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signs into law a highly controversial immigration bill targeting illegal immigration, thus implementing the toughest immigration crack down in the nation. Arizona adopts a bold new alien detection program to stop anyone suspected of being an illegal, using a state-of-the-art, sophisticated, high-tech skin tone color-coding system that dictates: “Your skin must be this shade or lighter to enter Arizona.” (See helpful chart, left. What shade of white are you?)
Also in April, Apple releases the highly anticipated iPad – sure to change the way Americans do things by giving them another reason to avoid making actual face-to-face contact with another human being. Want to read a book but hate having to hassle with flipping all those annoying pages? The iPad’s your solution. (See VFTB’s April 2010 in-depth assessment comparing the iPad to our Savior, Jesus Christ. Tastefully written, to be sure. Sure not to offend – unless you are Christian or own Apple stock.)
May: Economists everywhere hold their collective breaths as the world’s economic recovery begins to wobble. The European Union is forced to deliver a much needed financial aid rescue package to prevent Greece from going into debt default and bankruptcy. Fears spread about a possible contagion of collapsing economies throughout Europe, involving extremely large 500’ tall dominos toppling over on innocent people. France stuns its EU allies by surrendering to Denmark for no apparent reason.
Fears subside when Ireland assures the heads of the EU that the situation on the Emerald Isle is well under control and that things there “have never been better”. Ireland then chortles a hearty laugh at the thought that what is happening in Greece could ever happen here. Ireland’s leaders reassure the European Central Bank they have a failsafe backup plan involving tapping into Ireland’s well-known precious metals reserves stored away in their Leprechauns’ Pot o’ Gold at the end of the rainbow.
June: Political anger and rage bog down the increasingly beleaguered Obama presidency amidst allegations from both sides that Mr. Obama appears incapable of solving the nation’s economic woes. Critics assail him over the price tag of the stimulus package, the cost of healthcare reform and his continuing denial of the widely known fact that he is a Kenyan-born, radical Muslim, Nazi, Communist arugula-eater, who can’t bowl, and wants only gays to be allowed to serve in the military. Finally, there is good news for Obama: He delivers on his campaign pledge to unite the country. After 18 months in office, the entire country is finally united – against Obama.
More good news: BP announces that after several failed attempts, it is really, really close this time to coming up with a surefire plan to stop the leaking well. Any day now. Newly unemployed gulf coast fishermen applaud the heartfelt gesture of sympathy extended by BP CEO Tony Hayward who proclaims “I would like my life back” and goes on to complain that the caviar served on his private jet was a bit salty.
Finally, Mel Gibson becomes our hands-down Award Winner for “Instant Career-Ending Move by a Celebrity” when he sends no less than 30 angry, misogynistic voice mail tirades to his ex-partner, threatening her with violent and racist insults. In a rant that makes R-rated comedian Andrew Dice Clay look like Mr. Rogers, Gibson scores an impressive 23 F-bombs in less than two minutes, smashing the previous record of 19, held by actor Russell Crowe when he erupted on a bellman of a 5-star hotel who accidentally set the thermostat in his room to 68 degrees instead of 72. (If you ask me, the bellman deserved it.)
That’s the Year in Review for 2010 (Part I), as seen from the Bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
[To view Part II of the Year in Review – January – June, click here.]
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2010 – 2011