Index of Articles

Index of  VFTB blog articles (Listed in order of caloric content)

Thank you for taking time to learn about my blog, View from the Bleachers.  I would like to share with you my collection of brilliant writing, erudite ponderings and insightful commentaries about the human condition, politics, business, parenting,  events of the day and my personal battle with male pattern baldness. Unfortunately, I am still working on those insightful articles. Should be ready any day now. In the meantime I invite you to check out  what I actually have written instead.

Below is an index of some of the least offensive, I mean, most popular articles I have written, as determined by a prestigious advisory panel of highly respected columnists, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists and A-List professional bloggers, most of whom have strongly recommended me… for a career in the food services industry. But I am sure that if they ever actually read any of my postings, they would overwhelmingly agree with me that I actually have profoundly important things to say… about the food services industry, that is.

Don’t listen to the critics. And thank you for taking the time to read some of my articles.  To see my own personal favorites, scroll down to the bottom of this page.

-          Tim Jones (you can reach me at timothyejones@comcast.net)

Pop Culture / In the News

  • A Solution to Our Prison Problem – Soccer Balls – The cost of housing our 2 million prisoners is growing exponentially. Finally an innovative solution from the Argentina prison system that just might work, if we can just work out a few tiny bugs in the plan.
  • World Cup Special Offer from VFTB: Vuvuzela music lessons – Kids half price! World Cup soccer was all the craze in the summer of 2010. And the world fell in love with the sound of the Vuvuzela horn.  Learn more about this amazing pop phenomenon and save money on lessons. Act now.
  • VFTB Exclusive: Breaking News! Sheen and Gaddafi agree to a job swap – This week features a VFTB Exclusive – a breaking news story that will stun the world. I just brokered a peace deal that may help the world avert not one but two international crises. I am proud to say that yours truly has brokered a tentative deal in which Muammar Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen have agreed to swap jobs. 
  • So you think you know Canada, eh? Seven myths about our neighbors to the north – Having been married to a Canadian for 25 years, and having understood her for 9 of those years, I’ve learned a few things about Canada that may surprise you – like the fact that not every Canadian lives in igloos – although most of them dream about owning one someday.
  • America ranks FIRST for Personal Energy Conservation (otherwise known as laziness) – America now has one more prestigious Number One ranking it can add to its collection: We’re number one for personal energy conservation. We won’t take second place to those damn Samoans. 
  • Study says a dark day in America – Blacks are getting happier – A recent study has found that over the past 40 years, blacks in America are getting happier while whites are getting unhappier. Why? Personally, I blame Obamacare. Read the shocking findings here.
  • Back away from the car, mom, and give the car keys to Grandma – Contrary to widely-held public opinion, my elderly mother is a very safe driver. That’s the conclusion of a new State Farm Insurance study which conclusively concludes the following conclusion: Grandparents are safer drivers than parents when kids are in the car. So turn over the keys to Grandma and just relax.
  • VFTB Exclusive: Americans mourn the sudden passing of Osama in Laden – In this shocking expose, VFTB reveals that thousands of Americans are discouraged and disheartened over the news of President Obama’s decision to take out Osama bin Laden – starting with Donald Trump.
  • 8,000 drunken sailors sent on a mission to capsize Guam – Why didn’t the mainstream media cover this urgent news story? The people of Guam are at risk of their island tipping over from an invasion of US sailors. Don’t believe me? Just ask a US Congressman from Georgia.
  • Lindsay Lohan is NOT a milkaholic! - Will the media ease up on this American icon? She has been accused of being addicted to everything from cocaine to wine spritzers. But when you accuse her of being addicted to milk, you have crossed the line, mister.  
  • The Tangled Truth about UHS: Uncombable Hair Syndrome – Every day thousands of Americans suffer from a little known chronic untreatable condition called UHS. Okay, well maybe not thousands. Maybe more like hundreds. Okay, maybe not quite hundreds. Well, at least a few dozen. Okay, maybe just Donald Dobson of  Paducah, Kentucky. But for him, it’s no laughing matter.
  • A moment of sadness – America’s greatest inventor has tossed his last toss – There have been many important inventors who have changed the course of our great country, but none, perhaps more important than Walter Morrison, the inventor of the Frisbee.
  • GOP eyes Watson the Computer as front-runner candidate for 2012 election – Recently, IBM’s super computer named Watson defeated two past champions on the quiz show Jeopardy! Well, you knew it was just a matter of time before Republican strategists vetted him for the 2012 election. (First in a two-part series.)
  • Watson vs. Palin mock presidential debate – Who will win? – I go behind the scenes and witness a mock presidential debate between Sarah Palin and Watson the computer. You won’t find this sort of coverage in any other serious news outlet. Find out who wins in this VFTB Exclusive. (Second in a two-part series.)
  • Rapture a non-event – Except for one lucky winner - The Rapture happened on May 21,2011, and shockingly, only one lucky winner got called by God to Heaven. Don’t despair that you didn’t get picked. You’ll be around to watch the final episode of Oprah.
  • My fun weekend at the Royal Wedding with Willy and Kate – Sometimes, you just have to be impulsive to get the most out of life. So that’s why I decided not to mow the lawn this weekend and attend the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton instead.
  • A Preview of TV’s Mid-season Replacement Reality Shows – We have entered the Golden Age of Television. Check out some of the mind-expanding reality shows coming soon. If you think the Jerry Springer show is Must See TV, you’ll love what the cable channels have in store for you.
  • Vancouver Olympics – Have you no shame? – My in-depth undercover report on the seamy dark under-belly of the 2010 Olympic Winter Games. Canadians should be ashamed of their games, their country and their accent.
  • 2009 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers - My recap of the stories that really mattered to the world in 2009 – from Susan Boyle’s stunning performance on Britain’s Got Talent to the stunning passing of Michael Jackson to the stunning launch and survival of View from the Bleachers.
  • 2010 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – If you thought my 2009 Year in Review was good, wait till you read my 2010 Year in Review. From The drama (and trauma) of the Vancouver Winter Games to the Gulf oil spill to the rise of the Tea Party to the landmark Healthcare Reform Act. There is something to piss off everybody. (This issue is a two-parter. For Part II, click here.)
  • View From the Bleachers’ Annual Predictions for the Year Ahead – 2010 Edition – Every now and then, my psychic ability to predict what will happen in the world in the upcoming year is eerily accurate. This past year was not one of those years.
  • View from the Bleachers’ Annual Predictions Issue – 2041 Edition – Okay, so I have not had a lot of success with past Annual Predictions issues. This time I gaze out 30 years into the future and make some bold predictions. Since I probably won’t be around by then, I really don’t care how far off the mark I might be.

 

Politics & the Economy

  • BP has a plan to solve the gulf oil problem, and another plan, and another plan… – Well, you knew I had to weigh in on this topic since it was the only thing on the news for three months. I don my investigative reporter cap and share several back up plans that BP was prepared to unveil if they could not stop the leak. I plan to try some of them with my lawn the next time my sprinkler won’t shut off.
  • The end of freedom in America. Blame it on the tyranny of Obamacare – Freedom in America stopped forever roughly in week five of the Obama presidency. Everything that is wrong with our country clearly is his fault, starting with health care reform, which was working wonderfully for the executives of the health insurance industry until he had to go muck everything up.
  • Torn about who to Vote for – Surprisingly this year, the political campaign rhetoric was on the negative side. I never knew how many socialist sympathizing, tax evading, terrorist pacifying, morally bankrupt politicians hell-bent on destroying our country were running for office this year. So I was a bit torn about who to vote for.
  • I have solved our nation’s debt problem – no need to thank me– By every credible estimate, our nation’s debt crisis is only going to get worse in the years to come. Finally, one brave American steps forward with a plan that just might work. That American would be me. Read my plan to eliminate our debt . And it does not involve tax hikes or deep spending cuts and only a small amount of blackmail.
  • The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th – Part 1 of 2– What’s everybody so worried about with our growing debt problem? Just chillax. Our Tea Party representatives in Congress are ready to take control. They’ll have our debt problem resolved before you can say Ben Franklin impersonator. Read about some of their innovative solutions. Click here to read Part 2.
  • GOP Halloween Haunted House of Terror – ENTER IF YOU DARE!!! – If you thought most Halloween Haunted Houses were scary, they’re like Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood compared to the latest crop of GOP presidential hopefuls. Check out the GOP Haunted House.  It’s terrifying.
  • I’ve been having an affair. Please don’t tell my wife – Recently, my wife and kids were out of town for two weeks, and I was all alone – two weeks. A man has certain needs, ya’ know? So I fell for another woman – Rachel Maddow. But the attraction was purely intellectual. Honest.
  • Let Our Corporations Speak – Thanks to a stunning, landmark US Supreme Court decision in January, 2010, corporations now share the same right of free speech as individuals. I speculate on the many wonderful new opportunities that this may open up for our country as a result.
  • The Myth about Global Warming –if you ask me, there is absolutely no proof that global warming exists or that man has played any part in it – unless you happen to be swayed by those silly little scientifically validated research studies with their fancy charts and graphs.  I rebut their claims once and for all. (This post sponsored by Exxon Mobile.)
  • In Defense of Big Oil – This post is my frontal assault on all those leftwing liberal global warming conspiracy fear-mongers who think we’re going to run out of oil next week. Trust me, we have several months before we have to be the least bit concerned.
  • And the winner is….. Obama???? – Upon learning that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, I did some investigative research and discovered a shocking list of other awards he was soon going to win. But the Westminster Dog Show’s Best in Show was not among them.
  • Confessions of a Reformed Bleeding-Heart Liberal – I used to be a left wing liberal – that is until President Obama crossed the line and preached the socialist message that our kids should stay in school and study hard. How dare he try to indoctrinate our kids like that!
  • Great News: Wall Street is Back in Business! – Thank goodness the economy recovery is complete. Wall Street investment banks like Goldman Sachs recorded record bonus payouts at the end of 2009, a sure sign that you and I can rest comfortably knowing that everything is fine, even though your unemployment benefits run out next week.
  • VFTB’s Take Back America, Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool Kit – Do you stress over government incompetence and inefficiency? Then try VFTB’s new Government-in-a-Box. We’re talking Government By the People – just the way our very first president, Abraham Lincoln, would have wanted it.
  • Breaking News: WikiLeaks plan to release all your emails – In this VFTB exclusive, I break the lid off the WikiLeaks brouhaha by revealing WikiLeaks’ plans to release everybody’s emails – including your explosive 2006 email tirade to your ex-girlfriend trashing her for dumping you for your best friend. Now everybody knows what a skank she is.

Family & Parenting

Fun & Leisure

  • Our summer vacation – only more interesting – If your family’s summer vacations can’t compete with the summer vacations of your kids’ school mates, don’t fret.  Just make up an amazing vacation story sure to shut up that snot-nosed rich kid Parker once and for all. 
    • Everything I needed to know about life I learned from my car – I have bought many cars over my lifetime and I’ve learned many valuable lessons  - perhaps none more important than that I have absolutely no business buying cars. It always ends up badly.  My life lessons from cars.
    • Niagara Falls’ Latest Thrill Ride – The Quality Hotel and Suites – The true story of my one night stay at this hotel in Niagara Falls and the actual transcript of the my letter to the hotel to thank them for a night I would never forget, starting with the ants in my bed.
    • Why does Montana hate me? – This humor blog has attracted (and repelled) readers from all over the world. So why won’t anyone from Montana visit my site? Read my plan to win back the Big Sky state. Yes, it involves fly fishing.
    • Is your self-esteem a little too positive? Why not try golf? – I know of three certainties in the world of sports: 1) Professional wrestling is rigged. 2) India will never win a gold medal in the Winter Olympics and 3) No matter how many golf lessons I take, I will never cure my slice. Why golf is a cruel game.
    • How to host a SUPER Super Bowl Party – When it’s your turn to invite the gang over to your place to watch the big game, follow my secret recipe for a Super Bowl Party they’ll long remember. Or maybe they won’t, since a key ingredient turns out to be lots and lots of beer.
    • Police credit urban fashion trend in helping to catch criminals – As one of America’s foremost experts on criminology, I have come up with a brilliant way to catch more urban criminals and thugs – and it involves baggy pants. Finally, a cost-effective way to catch criminals with their pants down.
    • The World’s Least Flexible Man – I may not be the fastest, strongest or nimblest man in the world. But there is one fitness category for which I’m confident I would be a contender: World’s Least Flexible Man. I signed up for a yoga class. Read about my gut-wrenching experience.
    • Kids, don’t try this at home – My (Disastrous) 10th Grade Science Experiment – I can recall the exact moment in time when I decided not to pursue a career in science. This is the story of that precise moment.
    • The Real Meaning of Christmas – Part 1: Holiday Greeting Cards – Many people are confused about the real meaning of Christmas. While the birth of the Christian savior is a moderately important part of the celebration, it pales next to the critical importance of holiday greeting cards. Read my expert advice on holiday greeting cards etiquette.
    • The Real Meaning of Christmas – Part 2: Decorations – The only thing more important about Christmas than getting your holiday cards out before the competition is having a cargo ship’s worth of cheesy decorations. Read my “how to” advice for a surefire set of decorations guaranteed to annoy the neighbors.
    • Getting a colonoscopy is better than having sex… with elephants, that is. And not by much. Read my true embarrassing story of my recent colonoscopy procedure. Warning: This post may not be suitable for people with weak colons. And kids, don’t try this at home.
    • One year closer to death – My Family’s Year-in-Review letter – If there is one thing I look forward to each year almost as much as my tax bill, it’s receiving those year in review letters in December informing me how much more fun everybody else has had than our family.  
    • My close brush with death: Seattle’s Snow-maggedon – There have been a few times in my life when I was not certain I was going to survive – like the time I misspelled “cake” in the third grade spelling bee. The January 2012 Seattle winter storm was another such traumatic event.

Computers, Technology & the Internet

 

Lifestyles, People & Relationships

  • My Sister Betsy, AKA Bad Betsy in a Previous Life – I love my sister, but she has simply the worst luck of anybody I know. Read this post and stop bitching about how bad your life is. Just be thankful you don’t know this person. She is bad news, plain and simple. Avoid her at all costs.
  • Rain, clouds, moss and other reasons I love Drip City– A lot of people don’t understand the allure of Seattle. Doesn’t it rain 350 days a year there? I’m here to set the record straight. And by the way, it’s only 315 days. Stop exaggerating.
  • Have you hugged a racist today? – A heated issue in the news in 2010 was immigration. Racial tensions are escalating. I did some research and it turns out that racists really aren’t so evil after all. They suffer from a medical disorder. Learn about their tribulations and give them a hug of understanding, won’t you?
  • VFTB Humor blog revealed to be a tangled web of lies – Okay, I confess, sometimes I make things up when I write my blog. I can’t be bothered with actually looking things up, so I wing it. In this post I come clean about a few lies I have written, and by “a few”  I mean less than 5,000.
  • Household Budget Super Committee reaches 11th hour compromise– After months of gridlock and heated name-calling on both sides, the Jones-Rushworth budget super committee reach a last minute compromise, over  the objections of lobbyists, and by lobbyists, we mean our teenage daughters.
  • VFTB Commentary: Why baseball is way better than sex – I love baseball – if that’s not obvious from the title of this humor blog. This week, I come to the defense of this great game and try one and for all to explain the infield fly rule.
  • Valentine’s Advice from the Love Doctor – Every Valentine’s Day, I receive hundreds of letters asking me for advice around matters of the heart. As a foremost expert on the subject of romance, I open up the mailbag and share my advice to the lovelorn. Maybe I can help you.Ah who am I kidding. You’re beyond help.
  • Did anybody see my car keys? – This post was supposed to be an insightful commentary about the challenges of attention deficit disorder, which afflicts many people as they approach middle age. But well, I got a little distracted. Read my excuse for why I never quite got around to finishing this blog post.  
  • My painful dark confession – Can you still respect me? – For the first time anywhere, I come out of the closet and admit something I have long felt ashamed to admit. I can’t deny the rumors any longer. It’s true. For most of my life, I have been, yes, it’s true, a sloooow reader.
  • 22-Step Guide to turning on a light bulb – When it comes to home repairs, there are simple repair projects and there are complicated repair projects. And then there are the simple repair projects that I find a way to turn into complicated projects. This would be one such example.
  • Marriage tip for men: When shopping at Costco on Black Friday, avoid unnecessary impulse purchases – So here’s a life lesson I learned:  Never ever let me enter a Costco on Black Friday. I came in to buy shampoo, but  then there was this pair of electric nose hair trimmers for half off.
  • Lowering the bar (once again) on my New Year’s Resolutions – Every year I write down my new year’s resolutions for the upcoming year. In this post, I review my resolutions from the past 30 years and make a startling discovery:  I suck at sticking with my new year’s resolutions.
  • Kanye West’s Guide to a Kinder, Nicer YOU! – Kanye West may be the nicest, kindest, most sensitive rapper mogul I have ever known. But people still wrongly judge him based on his tirade in front of Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards. I share a sneak preview of his new book on manners. You could learn a lot from his example.
  • Don’t Let Five-Year Olds Vote – In this post, I bare my soul and share with my readers exactly what I am for and what I am against.  I hold nothing back, starting with my deep-seeded conviction that we should never let five-year olds vote. Nine-year olds, maybe, but not five-year olds.

 

Business & the Workplace

  • Now You can be a Sales Superstar – by Sales Guru, Biff Biven – The ABC’s to becoming an incredibly successful salesperson (so long as you consider asking “do you want fries with that?” to be a successful sales career)  if you want to get on the fast track to sales success, well, perhaps you should just skip this article, now that I think about it.
  • Now You can be a Sales Superstar – Part Two of Two – by Sales Guru, Biff Biven – Part two of proven strategies to achieving success in sales.  Some of these strategies may be illegal in your area. Check your local listing.
  • Why grow your business when you can OPTIMIZE YOUR REAL-TIME ROI YIELD! – I’ll let you in on a secret. What smart marketers have known for a long time is the key to growing your market share is not to build a better mousetrap. And it’s not to improve your customer service. It’s to use really impressive-sounding words in that nobody understands in your marketing.
  • And the Employee of the Month Award goes to… – As a world-renown business success expert, I discuss the inspiring, heroic contributions of some pretty remarkable employees – and announce the winner of this month’s Employee of the Month Award. (Hint: It’s not Nancy Pelosi.)  
  • Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok– If there is one thing that separates the winners from the losers in business it’s the ability to compose persuasive, articulate, error-free business emails, memos and presentations.  That and being the offspring of the CEO.
  • Little Caesars’ sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement– In tough times, companies do what our founding fathers wanted them to do – file random lawsuits for brand infringement. If you ask me, this is what makes our country great – the ability sue your way to record-breaking profits. 
  • BREAKING NEWS! TIM JONES IS NOT FUNNY! – This just in – Every news paper, magazine and online news site agrees: My humor writing is a PERFECT fit – for some other publication than theirs.  Still holding out hope, though. Haven’t heard back yet from Guns & Ammomagazine.
  • Business Lesson #61: Hug your way to business success – Research shows that sports teams that hug each other more outperform others. The implications for improving your company’s market share should be obvious. Hey, Veronica, come give your old boss a hug.
  • TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday – Many companies and even some states have moved to a four-day work week for improved efficiencies. Why stop there? Think how much more efficient we all would be if we worked two twenty hour work days instead?
  • Business Lesson #46: The Dos and Don’ts of Holiday Office Parties – Follow these timely tips about proper business etiquette at your next company holiday party and you just might find yourself rocketing to the executive suite in no time. Or not…
  • Business Lesson #27: The Importance of Committees – Business is run by people. And people get things done by forming committees. Read these important business secrets on how to survive and thrive the next time you’re tapped to join a committee. You do know how to use PowerPoint, don’t you?
  • Business Lesson #83: What to do when your customers complain – Once in awhile, companies screw up and in the process cause their customers to complain. Read this six-step formula for how to handle customer complaints  and leave everybody happy. But in the remote chance my approach doesn’t work, be sure to have a good attorney, okay?
  • Business Lesson #84: How to write an apology letter to upset customers – The next time your business makes a bone-headed business decision to cut costs that enrages your customers, be prepared to issue a sincere, heartfelt apology letter, crafted by a team of sincere, heartfelt lawyers with experience defending multi-million dollar product liability lawsuits.

Tim’s Personal Favorites

 

 

  • A Preview of TV’s Mid-season Replacement Reality Shows – We have entered the Golden Age of Television. Check out some of the mind-expanding reality shows coming soon. If you think the Jerry Springer show is Must See TV, you’ll love what the cable channels have in store for you.

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