Posts Tagged ‘religion’

Kids, Ask Me About God
– By Reverend Tornquist

[Note from the staff at VFTB: This week, we are privileged to feature a LIVE CHAT with noted Christian evangelist Reverend Norman Tornquist, host of the popular webcast, Kids, Ask Me About God. Tornquist is the renowned author of children’s books including God Loves Kids with Braces Too, and Skittles – The Devil’s Gateway Snack. We join the LIVE CHAT already in progress….]

Kids ask me about GodReverend Tornquist: I see we have a question from Sophie. Hello, Sophie. How old are you?

Sophie: Hi, Reverend Toadkiss. I’m four years old.

Tornquist: That’s Tornquist. An understandable mistake.

Sophie: Whatever. I wanted to know – Is God left-handed like me?

Tornquist: What an interesting question, Sophie. I really don’t know. I will have to pray about that one.

Sophie: So what you’re saying is you know nothing about God. How did you ever get to become a priest?

Tornquist: Actually, Sophie, I’m not a priest. I’m a minister. I see that Billy has a question. Go ahead, Billy. How old are you?

Billy: I’m eight. Hey, Cardinal Tornquist –

Tornquist: Actually it’s Reverend Tornquist, Billy. What’s your question about God?

Billy: I want to know, where does God go to the bathroom?

Tornquist: Another fascinating question. Thank you, Billy. Well, God is all-powerful. So, I guess he can go to the bathroom anywhere he wants. When it rains in the forest, maybe that’s God’s way of peeing.

Billy: Wow, I had no idea God had to pee so much. Maybe he has a tiny bladder. Sure hope my parents never make me go on any more camping trips. I never knew how gross the outdoors was. Thanks, Cardinal T.

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  • Published On Apr. 15, 2014 by TEJ
  • Rumor has it I may be the next Pope

    Recently the world’s one billion-plus Catholics were stunned by the news that, for the first time in almost 600 years, a living Pope has decided to step down. The 85-year-old Pope Benedict XVI recently announced his plans to resign on February 28, citing poor health and depression over scores of snarky comments his Facebook page has received lately about his red leather Prada shoes (most critics sniping that he should have gone with Gucci, an Italian brand). 

    Rumors are swirling about who will be selected as the next Pope. Las Vegas odds makers say the three front runners are: 

    • Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Tukson of Ghana
    • French Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellet and
    • Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga of Honduras. 

    Most of the mainstream press has completely overlooked a rather unexpected name which is being floated for consideration: Mine. Okay, so most of those rumors have been floated by yours truly. But even a cursory review of my qualifications makes me the obvious choice as God’s representative on Earth.  

    First of all, my name, Tim Jones, is much easier to pronounce than any of those other candidates I just listed. But that’s not all. Check out my impeccable credentials: 

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    • Oh great. I can picture it now. "I conferred with the Lord, and he sayeth that I may kick my …
      Kevin
  • Published On Feb. 21, 2013 by TEJ
  • I just found out I’m related to Jesus – on my mother’s side

    Isn’t that just divine? No need to worship me just because it turns out I’m probably a direct descendant of the Son of God.  This really won’t change me in any way. I’m still the same old Tim you always knew – only holier. Hey, if you’re really nice to me, I just might put in a good word for you with the Big Guy upstairs. Could come in handy on Judgment Day if you’re on the bubble.

    Okay, perhaps this is getting to my head just a bit. Actually, I’m directly related, through my great grandfather on my mother’s side of the family. From the research I have done, I am fairly sure I’m a direct descendant of Christ. I mean, look at our profiles. I totally have his chin.

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    • I will pray that Jesus goes easy on the "smites" and cuts you some slack.
      Jeanne Whalen
  • Published On Oct. 18, 2012 by TEJ
  • Jesus vs. the “Jesus Tablet” – a side by side comparison of our Savior vs. the Apple iPad

    jesus vs ipadLast week, Apple began shipping the much hyped iPad, the sexy-looking, wafer-thin tabloid computer that Steve Jobs himself has called “the most important thing” he has ever done. While some detractors scoff that it’s nothing more than a larger version of the popular iPod Touch handheld device, the overwhelming sentiment of most people who have seen it is along the lines of “If I promise you my first born, will you let me leap to the front of the line?” Before the device was even on store shelves, Apple had already received a quarter million pre-orders. Some analysts forecast they could sell 5 million units in the first year, making it the most successful new product launch in history.

    The evangelical fervor is bordering on hysteria. Some techno geeks who have never had a date in their lives are already calling it the greatest invention since Gutenberg printed the first Bible some 600 years ago. Others are simply calling it the Jesus Tablet, because of the almost mystic, spiritual aura surrounding this seeming “holy grail” of computer gadgetry. If that’s not enough of a Biblical connection, why is it that the Bible even has an entire book named after Apple’s founder, the Book of Jobs? At the risk of comparing apples to oracles, this leads me to ask the obvious theological-technological question: Which is better, Jesus or the new “Jesus Tablet”, the iPad?

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  • Published On Apr. 10, 2010 by TEJ