Posts Tagged ‘recent’

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

[Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website View from the Bleachers (VFTB), in an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, asked the presidential candidate to clarify his claim that President Obama was the “Founder of Isis.” Below is an excerpt from this revealing interview.]

Trump interview - one on oneTim Jones / View from the Bleachers: Mr. Trump, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: Hey, you look familiar. Didn’t I throw you out of one of my rallies?

VFTB: Um, I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Last week you said Obama was the Founder of Isis, and yet – 

Trump: That’s right. Barack HUSSEIN Obama – Founder and Chairman of the Board. And Hillary Clinton is their Chief Operating Officer. These are two bad people, really bad. You have no idea how bad. Disgusting. 

VFTB: I see. So just how bad are they, Mr. Trump? 

Trump: Well, for one thing, I just learned that Obama caused the crash of the Hindenburg.

VFTB: THE Hindenburg? I’m sorry. Are you talking about the zeppelin that crashed over New Jersey? That Hindenburg?? 

Trump: Absolutely. Terrible tragedy. 

VFTB: You do realize the Hindenburg exploded in 1937. Obama wasn’t born until 1961. So, how could he possibly be responsible for that disaster? 

Trump: I’m close personal friends with the guy who directed the documentary Back to the Future, about traveling through time. Doc Brown proved it’s possible if you have the right technology, like a DeLorean with a flux capacitor.

VFTB: You know that was a fictional movie –

Trump: I also know people in the CIA who are experts in this time travel stuff. They’ve sent teams back in time to investigate all sorts of events. And they’re finding some amazing things, amazing things, believe me.

VFTB: So you’re saying you sent a team of time traveling investigators back in time to dig up evidence proving Obama caused the Hindenburg crash –

Trump: Shocking, I know. Trust me. But I have unbelievable evidence. Just unbelievable. But it’s far from the worst thing Obama’s done. He also caused World War II. A terrible guy, this Obama.

VFTB: Excuse me? You’re saying that President Obama is somehow to blame for The Second World War?  Read More…


  • Tim, This one is great! Love the concept, and how you string it along.…
    Beverly Fernandez
  • Published On Aug. 14, 2016 by TEJ
  • How I Got Crabs

    crabbing - crab potNot long ago, my wife and I moved to Camano Island, a tranquil, semi-rural community with lots of retirees. People here love four things: God, country, family and crabbing – but if they could only pick one, for sure it would have to be crabbing. People here are seriously into this activity. Just how serious? As you arrive on Camano Island, you’re greeted by a giant metal crab sculpture. The local newspaper is called The Crab Cracker. And if you confide in someone, “I’ve got crabs”, they won’t recoil in disgust. They’ll reply with, “Fantastic! Mind giving me some?” 

    Having lived here for two years, I’d never bothered to find out what all the fuss was about. But after relentless pressure from neighbors whose constant nagging included questioning my patriotism, in the end I caved. Last week I finally went crabbing.

    Most “crabbers” own their own crab boat and equipment. To get started you need the following essentials:

    • A motorboat – or if you’re cheap, then a rowboat
    • At least one, and ideally two or three crab pots
    • A buoy marker and approximately 100 feet of rope for each crab pot
    • Bait – typically chicken or turkey legs, or if you’re in a pinch, Lifesavers candies – the crabs grab onto the little hole in the middle and get stuck. Let me know how that works, dude. (This last bait option should only be used if you’re a complete idiot.)
    • A case of beer, to dull your senses and help you forget about what in the hell possessed you to take a rowboat instead of a motorboat with 25 mph headwinds out there
    • A sharp knife to kill your small crustacean victims in cold blood – or to take your own life if you have rowed out too far and you suddenly realize you’ll never make it back to shore before nightfall

    Read More…


    • Tim, you have awakened the memory of a truly emotional day - from the anticipation of doing something "out-of-my-comfort-zone", learning…
      Eleanor Rushworh
  • Published On Aug. 08, 2016 by TEJ
  • An American Tourist’s Guide to Vacationing in Italy

    Italy - coastal townPeople often ask me, “Tim, how do you know so much about other countries?” It’s true. I consider myself an authority on world geography. For example, did you know that Africa is not actually a country? Don’t worry. Donald Trump didn’t know either – and soon he’ll be our overlord, er, I mean, president.

    I don’t like to brag, but I know many important things about the world’s nations, primarily from consistently losing in the board game RISK during college. (I always went for Australia. Bad strategy.) So this week, let’s discuss what you need to know about what is arguably the most popular vacation destination for Americans – that is, if you don’t count the country of North America. I am, of course, talking about Italy.

    Let’s face it. You’re way too busy binge-watching Game of Thrones to read Rick Steves’ 874-page guide book on Italy that your wife asked you to read. So, I have done the work for you by highlighting everything you need to know. Follow my advice to the letter and you’ll have a wonderful time – and probably won’t get arrested. On a completely unrelated topic, Italian policemen have no sense of humor. This I discovered when I offered one 5,000 liras to try out his riot gear and Taser. [Travel Tip: When attempting to bribe a “poliziotto” do NOT offer liras. Seems they’re not appreciated ever since Italy transitioned over to the euro.]

    History: Italy is an extremely old country. I mean seriously old. It’s amazing it can still stand after all these centuries. If Italy were a pet, it would have been put down decades ago. But it has an amazing history that dates back to well before the American Civil War. Its history can be divided into four periods:

    The Roman Empire: The country was ruled by emperors called Caesars, who loved salad (in fact, a staple of every household was the Caesar salad). They wore amusing wreaths on their heads and long, flowing togas – just like the ones worn in the acclaimed film Animal House. They built elaborate marble temples to a bunch of pagan gods they stole from Greece without paying for them. And if you did not believe in these gods, you’d be executed. Read More…


    • Bon giorno Timicus. Nos appreciato voci visitat e Vaticano. Per cortesia retourni di corpus petrifica da Papa Clementus V, i…
      Marcus
  • Published On Aug. 02, 2016 by TEJ
  • I’ve Survived Hell – Or as My Kids Call It, Disney World

    disney world - familyRemember way back when, before you had kids, how you and your spouse would go on romantic getaways to exotic destinations like Cancun or Paris or maybe Santorini? Ah, such relaxing vacations. But then you screwed up everything by deciding to start a family. Oh sure, having young kids doesn’t mean you can no longer go on vacations. It just means you can’t enjoy them.

    By the time your kids turn seven, as summer vacation season approaches, they’ll begin the longstanding family ritual: complaining that every other child in the free world has been to Disney World – twice – “except for us! It’s no fair!” This is an excellent time to invite your kids to ask the Millers down the street if they might consider adopting them, since apparently “the Millers are way more fun parents than your mom and me.” I never particularly liked the Millers. I suspect the husband may be a metrosexual. But that’s a story for another post.

    As surely as my Seattle Mariners will never win the World Series in my lifetime, it’s an equal certainty that sooner or later, you will buckle under the pressure of the relentless nagging and offer to take your kids to Disney World. And for that you have my deepest sympathy.

    A trip to Disney World is the perfect vacation – if you like standing in line for hours at a time in sweltering 96-degree heat with 97% humidity, listening to your young children whining endlessly about how long all the waits for rides are. Usually by about 1pm on Day One you’re starting to seriously regret your decision to spend thousands of dollars that could have been much better spent on a brand new red Camaro instead. If this sounds like your idea of fun, then pack your bags and head to the airport for your very own Disney adventure. Then turn around and go back home. You forgot your four-year old, Ashley. Then strap Ashley and her adorable Disney-branded Lilo and Stitch backpack into her car seat and get ready for a not-so-memorable trip to visit Mickey and his pals.

    Read More…


    • Here are some alternative lyrics to the "Song that Shall Not Be Named" It's a world of…
      Ellen Webber
  • Published On Jul. 26, 2016 by TEJ
  • Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

    Trump University logo

    The Trump University Promise 

    At Trump University success is what it’s all about. Trump U is about a lot of things – but above all, how you can be successful by helping me become even more successful by enrolling in Trump University. You can enroll in our Business Entrepreneur Success curriculum for slightly more than the amount you’ve accumulated in your retirement nest egg. Enrollment is now open for Fall 2016. Check out some of my incredible courses. You’re going to love it. I guarantee it. – Donald J. Trump

    Trump University Fall 2016 Courses 

    Argumentation and Debate 106: Fundamentals of Name-Calling: Learn how to infuriate people of different genders, ethnic origins, religious beliefs, sexual orientations, and socio-economic levels through use of sophisticated nick names like “Crooked Hillary”, “Lying Ted”, “Low-Energy Jeb”, “Little Marco” and many more. If you don’t sign up for this course you’re an idiot.

    Introduction to Commercial Construction 115: The Methodology to Build a 50-Foot-High Wall: As one of the most successful commercial builders in the world, in this fascinating course, Donald Trump will personally reveal (once he’s elected president) how to build a massive 2,000 mile-long, 50-foot-high wall along our Mexican border – and get Mexico to pay for it. How is this wall possible? Here’s a hint: It’s invisible and only requires the Mexicans to all wear special collars.

    Immigration Law 150: The Basics of Birtherism: Sure, they may look like Americans. But can you really be sure? This course examines how to create suspicion about someone’s American citizenship using unsubstantiated claims, innuendo, and hearsay. If your accusations are challenged, learn how to cite credible sources, such as: “I read somewhere” or “A lot of people are saying.”

    Finance 208: The Essentials of Tax Evasion: Having to release your tax returns can be such a hassle – and embarrassing – especially when they reveal that you haven’t paid any income taxes for the past ten years. This course will show you how to create obtuse tax shelters and off-shore corporations, as well as evade questions about why you refuse to disclose your tax returns. Besides, it’s nobody’s business but your own (and your Bahama-based tax accountant) what you paid in taxes. Read More…


    • Rich Business Mogul Psychopath. You said it. Fun post.
      Roz Warren
  • Published On Jul. 17, 2016 by TEJ
  • Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

    [Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website View from the Bleachers (VFTB) was granted an exclusive interview with Donald Trump. Jones asked the Republican presidential nominee how he could still be running neck and neck with Hillary Clinton despite his repeated instances of inflammatory rhetoric and offensive remarks.]

    Trump - losing the election - interviewTim Jones / View from the Bleachers: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

    Donald Trump: My pleasure, Tim. Let’s Make America Great Again. Would you like one of my baseball caps?

    VFTB: I’m good. Thanks. Mr. Trump, the latest Quinnipiac poll shows you just two percentage points behind your Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. How do you explain that you are running neck and neck –

    Trump: I prefer to say ‘I’m breathing down her neck.’ Sexy, eh?

    VFTB: Ahem, yes, well, how do you explain your continued success, given the endless list of offensive comments you have made about Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, and other minority groups? 

    Trump: You left out people with disabilities.

    VFTB: Oh right, yes, them as well. How is it that, despite all that, you’re still in a virtual dead heat for the presidential election?

    Trump: Beats the Hell out of me. Wish I could explain it. Every day, I huddle with my advisors to strategize about how I can submarine my chances, but it seems no matter what I come up with, my poll numbers stay strong.

    VFTB: I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? Are you saying you don’t actually want to be president?

    Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of idiot would want the worst job in the world? As president, no matter what you say or do, some knucklehead will attack you for being anti-American or a Muslim sympathizer or a loser – just like I do about Obama every chance I get.

    VFTB: So you really don’t want to be president? Read More…


    • This one is a classic Tim. You've hit funny bone. Just hope that what you wrote will not…
      Eleanor Rushworh
  • Published On Jul. 05, 2016 by TEJ
  • BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America

    AMEXIT - No to North America(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of Great Britain’s recent populist-led decision to leave the European Union, momentum gathered quickly for the United States to follow suit. In a flurry of referendum-lobbying activity, spurred on primarily by Donald Trump and his vocal supporters, citizens went to the polls yesterday, and in one of the closest margins in history – 50.1% to 49.9% – voted officially to exit the continent of North America.

    The “AMEXIT” decision, as it is being called, has stunned global leaders, who, while fearful of other European nations following Britain’s lead, had no idea it might incite the United States to do the same. When asked to comment on the decision, President Obama, clearly agitated and confused, held a brief press conference in which he opined, “How did this happen? This will be disastrous for our country. Are we a nation of idiots?”

    Upon learning that the United States had decided to withdraw from the continent, Donald Trump tweeted, “We are making America, I mean, the United States, great again. No longer under the thumb of the oppressive North American dictatorship.”

    Political experts are unclear what the impact of the United States’ withdrawal will be, starting with what to call the country moving forward, since as one political observer pointed out, “Well, it’s obviously no longer the United States OF AMERICA, is it?” So far, none of the proposed new names have garnered much support, including: “The country formerly known as the United States of America,” and “The United States of It’s None of Your Business.” Others have suggested discarding the USA brand completely and simply calling the nation “Trumpistan.”

    Read More…


    • In a follow-up to this article, I read that real estate mogul, the presumptive President Trump just inked the "YUGEst"…
      Kevin
  • Published On Jun. 25, 2016 by TEJ
  • Flying Coach vs. First Class

    first class vs coach - seatingI have flown all over the world – to Europe, to China, and against my better judgment, once to Scranton, PA. But I’ve never flown first class. I had a boss who flew first class all the time. Recently we exchanged notes about our passenger experiences on a flight to Dallas – hers in first class versus mine in cargo, er, I mean coach (same difference). Here is a side-by-side comparison, as documented by the flight attendant announcements.

    FIRST CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT PASSENGER ANNOUNCEMENT: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome aboard Delta Airlines Flight #427 for Dallas. It will be our pleasure to serve you this morning. You will all receive a case of Omaha Steaks simply for listening to this announcement.

    COACH CLASS FLIGHT ATTENDANT PASSENGER ANNOUNCEMENT: This is Delta Flight #427 for Dallas. Everybody, listen up. If you weren’t planning to fly to Dallas today, then you’re on the wrong plane. You’ve got sixty seconds to get the heck off. Hey, bald guy in the third row, listen to me when I’m talking to you!

    First Class: As you take your seat, if you have any difficulty stowing your carry-on luggage, we’ll be more than happy to assist. Ma’am, let me help you with your ostrich. No trouble at all.

    Coach:  As you take your seat, put your carry-on luggage in the overhead compartment or under the seat in front of you that your knees are currently pressed up against. Anything larger than a child’s backpack will be confiscated and tossed into a pile of luggage bound for Saskatchewan.

    first class vs coach - diningFirst Class: Now that you’re comfortably seated, please note that your seat can recline a full 180 degrees. If you do not prefer a cotton eye pillow, we’re happy to provide a silk one. Can I interest you in a free Apple Watch? Read More…


    • Here's an option, Tim: I'm working my way up to First Class. The first time I got married,…
      Drew Fisher
  • Published On Jun. 20, 2016 by TEJ
  • They’re Coming for Your Car Keys. Welcome to the World of Self-Driving Cars

    self-driving car - drivers licenseOne of my favorite jokes goes like this: “I got really drunk last night, so I decided to take the bus home. Now that may not sound impressive to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.” Stop the Presses! Drunk drivers may soon not need to drive the bus – or their car – anymore. Welcome to the world of self-driving cars. They’re just around the corner.

    Several tech companies like Tesla, Google and Apple are driving ahead with plans to mass-produce “autonomous” cars. These boring box vehicles are designed to ruin your happiness. If successful, they will all take away your freedom to cruise the open road at 90 mph, steering only with your knees, while singing Tom Petty’s Free Fallin’ off-key at the top of your lungs with the top rolled down. We need to slam the brakes on this effort. Our forefathers, who guaranteed the right to drive in the Bill of Rights, would be mortified at this attack on our this fundamental constitutional liberty.

    If these tech companies succeed, it’s only a matter of time before other companies will start manufacturing self-cleaning ovens, self-navigating vacuum cleaners or even self-playing pianos. Today they’re coming for your car. Tomorrow they’ll be coming for your kids. Read my argument in fierce opposition to the freedom-crushing future of autonomous cars.

    Argument for autonomous cars: Autonomous cars are far superior drivers. They will never get distracted by what’s going on around them. They won’t feel a need to check out who just texted them or try to balance their McDonald’s drive-through meal on their lap, swerving as they reach for their French fries that just fell to the floor.

    My rebuttal: Are you trying to impugn the greatness of our nation’s finest fast food chain? You really hate America, don’t you? And I would never get distracted checking text messages while driving. I’m usually far too busy staring at my rearview mirror and shouting at my daughters, who are arguing with each other in the back seat about what video to watch on the minivan monitor.

    Argument: Autonomous cars will dramatically lower automobile injuries and fatalities. If only 10% of U.S. vehicles on the road were self-driving, it would reduce car accidents by over 200,000 and save over 1,000 lives per year. If 90% of vehicles were self-driving, it would save 22,000 lives annually. Read More…


  • Published On May. 09, 2016 by TEJ
  • Swingin’ in the Rain

    swingin in the rain - tee shotRecently, I played a round of golf with my longtime golfing buddy Kevin. Kevin hates it when I refer to him by his actual name in my posts, so that’s how I will refer to him – because I just like to piss Kevin off. We were scheduled to play a round, but I called him an hour before our tee time to report that it was raining cats and dogs at my house. “Really? Well, it’s sunny and clear here,” he said. So against my better judgment – which judgment is shaky at the best of times – I decided to go ahead and play.

    We were met at the course by the rest of our foursome, Ron and John. And just like Kevin had predicted, it was clear and dry – conditions that were going to change dramatically about fifteen minutes after we teed off.

    Kevin and I have been playing golf together for 17 years. It has evolved into something of a rivalry. It often comes down to the final hole before Kevin knows for sure whether he beat me by double digits or just single. You see, Kevin is a really good golfer and, with rare exceptions, I allow him to beat me – mostly to placate his fragile male ego, which shatters like broken glass if he loses to me in anything. And also because he is the far superior golfer.

    Ron, John, Kevin and I teed off at the first tee. Kevin hit a gorgeous drive 270 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. Then it was my turn. I smiled as my ball landed eerily close to Kevin’s – by which I mean 100 yards closer to the tee box and banana-sliced 40 yards into the right-side woods. Oh yeah. The game was officially on.

    As we reached the second hole, I noticed a few gentle droplets of rain. Kevin shook it off. He was sure it would pass. His smart phone’s weather app said it was going to be mostly sunny by afternoon. But at 8:15am, the sky was looking foreboding, like the skies over Mordor. As Kevin headed up the second fairway and I headed due east into the right-side forest, I noticed the raindrops were coming down harder. Wisely, I had decided to bring a jacket. Unwisely, I’d soon discover it repelled water about as effectively as toilet paper. And I forgot my golf cap.

    Read More…


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  • Published On May. 02, 2016 by TEJ