Posts Tagged ‘presidential election’

Trump Shakes Things Up with Bold Cabinet Appointments

trump-cabinet-palinlDonald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any position in public education, a HUD Secretary with no previous experience dealing with public housing, a Secretary of State with no history in international diplomacy, and an EPA Head who believes climate change is a myth.

In a similarly bold fashion, Trump’s latest Cabinet appointments are sure to win praise from supporters hopeful that he will turn back the clock (to 1953) and destroy unnecessary, wasteful government programs like Obamacare, banking regulation, Social Security and the environment.

Here are some of Trump’s recent appointments, along with his explanation for the choice.

For Director of the CIA: Boris Badenov (the Russian spy on Rocky and Bullwinkle)

Trump: “There’s a lot of nasty stuff going on lately and I need someone who I can trust – someone who knows a thing or two about how spying works. That’s why I chose Boris. He will reveal the dark, embarrassing secrets of my detractors and keep our country safe by ruining their careers. Besides, Boris’ ruler is a close personal friend of mine and he says Boris is great at hacking into email servers.”

Secretary of the Army: Sylvester Stallone

“One word: Rambo. Just imagine how much ISIS butt he’ll kick now that he’s got nukes to play with. I thought about selecting Jim Nabors due to his experience playing Marine Private Gomer Pyle. But then I read a tweet that the actor was gay. One thing’s for sure: Our nation has never allowed gays in the military, and under a Trump Administration, it will stay that way. #I love the gays.”
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  • Published On Dec. 12, 2016 by TEJ
  • Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020

    2020-election-flagIn the off chance you’ve been in a coma the past few weeks, I have some unsettling news. You might want to sit down. Donald Trump is our new President-Elect. Please, put down that sharp object.

    As denial about this shocking outcome gives way to anger, then depression and finally acceptance, pundits are deeply divided as to whether Trump’s election means four years of utter chaos, financial collapse, violence on the streets, nuclear Armageddon, and the end of civilization as we know it – or perhaps something far worse.

    If the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that if you’re running for the most important job in the world, political experience and proven competence are serious liabilities. Trump has re-written the political playbook. In past elections, having no previous relevant experience, combined with a vengeful temperament, a campaign built around stoking anger, fear, hate, racism, misogyny and a knee-jerk impulse to tweet insults at anyone who makes a joke about your hair might put you at a disadvantage. But that kind of thinking is so November 7th.

    Unless our President-Elect amends the Constitution to do away with elections and installs himself as Supreme Commander-for-Life (which experts put at slightly less than 50% odds), then in four years there will be another election. Candidates are already lining up for the chance to go for politics’ brass ring. Here’s a sneak peek at the early frontrunners for the 2020 presidential race.

    Kim Kardashian: For those people hoping 2016 would be the year we finally elected a female president, low-education white truck drivers overwhelmingly agree: Hillary was a lame choice – what with all those bland pantsuits, wonky policy papers and annoyingly high intellect. As Trump repeatedly pointed out, Hillary’s not exactly moving the needle on the 10-point beauty scale. No, what this nation is looking for in its first female head-of-state is a hot, curvy reality star who lets her body do the talking. Another qualification: Kim K has 49 million Twitter followers – almost five times as many as Hillary. (We checked.)
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    • My money's on Putin for another 4 years
      Kevin
  • Published On Nov. 20, 2016 by TEJ
  • Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever

    The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.

    trump-letters-dr-shepherdOn Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness 

    I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.

    If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)

    Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy)
    Chief of Neuro-surgery
    Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy) 

    trump-letters-col-sandersOn Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief

    Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.

    I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.

    Colonel Harland Sanders
    Deceased Commander-in-Chief
    Kentucky Fried Chicken Read More…


  • Published On Sep. 16, 2016 by TEJ
  • BREAKING NEWS: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

    [Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website View from the Bleachers (VFTB), in an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, asked the presidential candidate to clarify his claim that President Obama was the “Founder of Isis.” Below is an excerpt from this revealing interview.]

    Trump interview - one on oneTim Jones / View from the Bleachers: Mr. Trump, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

    Donald Trump: Hey, you look familiar. Didn’t I throw you out of one of my rallies?

    VFTB: Um, I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Last week you said Obama was the Founder of Isis, and yet – 

    Trump: That’s right. Barack HUSSEIN Obama – Founder and Chairman of the Board. And Hillary Clinton is their Chief Operating Officer. These are two bad people, really bad. You have no idea how bad. Disgusting. 

    VFTB: I see. So just how bad are they, Mr. Trump? 

    Trump: Well, for one thing, I just learned that Obama caused the crash of the Hindenburg.

    VFTB: THE Hindenburg? I’m sorry. Are you talking about the zeppelin that crashed over New Jersey? That Hindenburg?? 

    Trump: Absolutely. Terrible tragedy. 

    VFTB: You do realize the Hindenburg exploded in 1937. Obama wasn’t born until 1961. So, how could he possibly be responsible for that disaster? 

    Trump: I’m close personal friends with the guy who directed the documentary Back to the Future, about traveling through time. Doc Brown proved it’s possible if you have the right technology, like a DeLorean with a flux capacitor.

    VFTB: You know that was a fictional movie –

    Trump: I also know people in the CIA who are experts in this time travel stuff. They’ve sent teams back in time to investigate all sorts of events. And they’re finding some amazing things, amazing things, believe me.

    VFTB: So you’re saying you sent a team of time traveling investigators back in time to dig up evidence proving Obama caused the Hindenburg crash –

    Trump: Shocking, I know. Trust me. But I have unbelievable evidence. Just unbelievable. But it’s far from the worst thing Obama’s done. He also caused World War II. A terrible guy, this Obama.

    VFTB: Excuse me? You’re saying that President Obama is somehow to blame for The Second World War?  Read More…


    • Tim, This one is great! Love the concept, and how you string it along.…
      Beverly Fernandez
  • Published On Aug. 14, 2016 by TEJ
  • Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

    [Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website View from the Bleachers (VFTB) was granted an exclusive interview with Donald Trump. Jones asked the Republican presidential nominee how he could still be running neck and neck with Hillary Clinton despite his repeated instances of inflammatory rhetoric and offensive remarks.]

    Trump - losing the election - interviewTim Jones / View from the Bleachers: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

    Donald Trump: My pleasure, Tim. Let’s Make America Great Again. Would you like one of my baseball caps?

    VFTB: I’m good. Thanks. Mr. Trump, the latest Quinnipiac poll shows you just two percentage points behind your Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. How do you explain that you are running neck and neck –

    Trump: I prefer to say ‘I’m breathing down her neck.’ Sexy, eh?

    VFTB: Ahem, yes, well, how do you explain your continued success, given the endless list of offensive comments you have made about Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, and other minority groups? 

    Trump: You left out people with disabilities.

    VFTB: Oh right, yes, them as well. How is it that, despite all that, you’re still in a virtual dead heat for the presidential election?

    Trump: Beats the Hell out of me. Wish I could explain it. Every day, I huddle with my advisors to strategize about how I can submarine my chances, but it seems no matter what I come up with, my poll numbers stay strong.

    VFTB: I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? Are you saying you don’t actually want to be president?

    Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of idiot would want the worst job in the world? As president, no matter what you say or do, some knucklehead will attack you for being anti-American or a Muslim sympathizer or a loser – just like I do about Obama every chance I get.

    VFTB: So you really don’t want to be president? Read More…


    • This one is a classic Tim. You've hit funny bone. Just hope that what you wrote will not…
      Eleanor Rushworh
  • Published On Jul. 05, 2016 by TEJ
  • Dear American Refugees, Welcome to Canada

    welcome-to-canada-welcome-sign-updatedGreetings, American Refugees,

    On behalf of the people of Canada, we would like to welcome you to our country. We hope you’ll enjoy your stay. We heard about your recent election, and, frankly, we’re starting to worry about your nation’s apparent complete psychological breakdown. What exactly were you folks thinking? You were doing so well these past eight years with President Obama. He seemed like an awfully nice fellow. We’re not quite sure what has caused your country to go off the rails, but as we watched your presidential election results, the only plausible conclusion we Canadians can come to is that millions of your fellow Americans have gone utterly bonkers.

    Oh sure, for a while there, we’ll admit, we were highly amused watching your presidential contest, featuring a carnival of candidates, from a narcissistic billionaire / Reality TV show host, to a rightwing evangelical Texan universally disliked even by his own party’s colleagues in the Senate, to a prominent neuro-surgeon who believes Egypt’s pyramids were built to store grains, not pharaohs. Where on earth did you find such a zany cast of characters? But we figured that eventually your countrymen would come to their senses and realize that perhaps the most important criteria for selecting your next head of state should be something more substantial than the size of the candidate’s privates or the relative hotness of their spouse. Apparently we were wrong. And for that, we deeply apologize.

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    • Tim well done and painfully true....
      Steve Connelly
  • Published On Apr. 03, 2016 by TEJ
  • Announcing My Candidacy for President of the United States

    Tim for President - Hope posterFor months now I’ve been watching all of the presidential debates, and I’ve heard some pretty incredible promises by the 16 serious candidates running for president (17 if you include Donald Trump). I have to say: They are really good at making outrageous promises and telling lies. And then it hit me: So am I! I do this every week here in this blog. Which is why I feel there is room for one more candidate in this year’s presidential election: ME!

    Naturally, this raises a number of questions, such as:

    • What are my credentials to be considered for such an important responsibility?
    • What are my views on immigration reform?
    • Where do I stand on gun control?
    • How did I get your email address?

    All perfectly reasonable questions – all of which I plan to deflect by answering a completely different question from the ones posed above, further establishing my credentials as a legitimate presidential candidate. For example:

    Question: How would you solve the problem of funding Social Security so that it does not run out in my lifetime? 

    Answer: The stability of our Social Security system is of paramount importance. America’s greatness is built on the backs of its citizens, who have worked hard and paid into Social Security for years. And it is these people who have made this nation the great nation it is today. That’s why we need to protect our rivers, lakes and air from pollution – for our children and our grandchildren. After all, if our kids can’t swim in a lake without the fear of being attacked by terrorists, then how will we ever stop China from hacking into our electrical grid? I for one won’t stand for it. And that’s why I’m running to be your next president. God bless America.

    Question: What are you credentials to be our next president? 

    Answer: I can see that the moderator has only given me 30 seconds to respond to this question, so let me be direct. Did I mention God bless America yet? I did? Okay, well then, let me address this very important question about my qualifications to lead the highest office in this country. The second amendment is something we must not take for granted. And there is no greater nation in the world than the United States. It is for this reason that – Oh, I see my time is up. Next question, please.

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    • I love what you stand for...but why limit yourself...go for two big roles in one... Vote for…
      Tim Fletcherd
  • Published On Jan. 11, 2016 by TEJ
  • Millions mourn as Obama conspires with Storm of Century to steal election

    In what has been the most polarizing campaign since our nation was torn apart by Pepsi’s shocking defeat of Coke in the Pepsi Challenge of 1975, it appears that thanks to an ingenious last-minute October Surprise maneuver, President Obama has stolen the 2012 presidential election, defeating America’s (and God’s) preferred candidate, Mitt Romney.

    Devising a brilliant never-before-tried campaign tactic, Obama strategists implemented October’s devastating Super Storm Sandy, and using an offer of a lifetime supply of Hostess Twinkies, was able to bribe New Jersey Governor Chris Christie into extolling Obama’s leadership in a crisis, just days before the election. The devious ploy appears to have worked, as Obama eked out a narrow, albeit hotly contested, win. Even God did not see this one coming, according to a Romney spokesperson, who added “God and Mother Nature are going to have a long talk about this.”  .

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    • Sad update: it appears that Howard and Marjorie have split up, citing irreconcilable differences of opinion over whom to vote…
      Betsy
  • Published On Nov. 07, 2012 by TEJ
  • Why I’m switching my vote to Romney. Reason #17: I just like his hair.

    [Note from the Staff of VFTB: We proofread Tim Jones’ rant below about why he’s switching his vote from Obama to Romney. We uncovered a few minor errors in his analysis and felt compelled to insert corrections as needed. – the Staff]

    I’ve been a lifelong Democrat ever since my grandmother was five years old. I can still remember the very first vote I cast for president – for Millard Fillmore (I just liked the way his name sounded). I later found out he wasn’t actually on the ballot when I first voted in 1976.

    In 2008, I voted for Barack Obama. Like millions of Americans, I was inspired by his vision of Hoes in Chains, or whatever his slogan was. But when I look back on the past four years, it’s clear that Obama is not up to the task of leading our nation for another four years. Let’s look at his track record:

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    • I can name any number of Presidents you want. Thing is, they won't let me change the birth certificates.
      Christopher Allen-Poole
  • Published On Oct. 25, 2012 by TEJ
  • Meet Howard and Marjorie Grunfeldt of Pickerington, Ohio – America’s last remaining undecided voters

    With each passing week, the 2012 presidential race is getting tighter and tighter. The most recent Gallup poll has it at 49.99999999% for Romney and 49.99999999% for Obama. A dead heat. Scientists have discovered molecules with more space between them than these polling numbers.

    Just three months ago, the number of battleground states had narrowed to eight. In the past month, it has narrowed even further – to just one state: Ohio. Both candidates have been spending so much time in this state they now know most Ohioans on a first-name basis, as well as their pets.

    Political pundits argue that as Ohio goes, so goes the election. Both parties’ campaigns have dissected the Buckeye State county by county, city by city, donut shop by donut shop. They have narrowed down their focus to one household in a small town in central Ohio. Using sophisticated statistical analysis, both campaigns now believe the election will come down to which candidate can win over the final two undecided voters remaining in America: Howard and Marjorie Grundfeldt of Pickerington, Ohio. As the Grundfeldts go, so goes the election.

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  • Published On Oct. 10, 2012 by TEJ