Last week I shared with you some bold new initiatives planned by America’s leading Tea Party politicians to wipe out the entire US Debt before the end of the year. Think of it as a gigantic Christmas present to America from the Tea Party (so long as you’re not elderly, disabled, poor, a member of a labor union, Muslim or, worse yet, gay).

You can read last week’s post here, where you will learn about brilliant ideas put forth by some of the brightest stars in the Tea Party caucus of Congress to save trillions in wasteful spending in the areas of healthcare, education, and financial regulatory reform.

As brilliant as those thoughtful plans are, I’ve saved the best of the best for this week’s conclusion. So let’s get started, shall we? Here are some even more brilliant debt-reduction schemes waiting to be implemented by the Tea Party-controlled Congress* (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Koch Brothers Industries*).

Read More…

Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America.

As a result of the gridlocked debate, at least one major credit agency has already downgraded the USA’s credit rating. At our current rate of spending, our $14.5 trillion debt will explode to over $29 trillion in ten years unless we do something to stop this runaway train. Thankfully, the freedom-loving Tea Party members of Congress have come up with several innovative solutions which – when approved by the Tea Party-controlled Congress – will help us pay off our nation’s debt completely – by December 17^th – just in time for Christmas.

I have previously discussed my own bold solutions to our nation’s debt crisis. But my debt reduction schemes pale next to the brilliance of these new Tea Party solutions. These unprecedented initiatives give me hope that America may once again become a great nation of predominantly white, 6^th grade-educated, patriotic, flag-waving, NRA-supporting NASCAR fans who occasionally like to dress up in wacky Colonial attire and carry misspelled signs with phrases like “Repsect Are Country – No More Alliens.” Take a look at some of these clear-headed proposals initiated by our most capable Tea Party leaders.

Read More…

Okay, I admit it. I’m not perfect. I don’t like vegetables. I tend to look down on anybody from the South named Earl or Cletus. I sometimes just mouth the words during the national anthem instead of singing. And last month, when a volunteer knocked on my front door collecting for Greenpeace I told him I gave at the office. I hadn’t. What can I say? I’m not perfect.

So when my wife took both our girls recently on a two-week trip out of town, I had the entire house to myself. I have never had that much independence and freedom in the entire 24 years of our marriage. And well, a man has certain needs, if you know what I mean.

While my wife and kids were away, something I am not proud of, well, it just happened.  I got swept up by a woman who just wowed me. I started spending time with her each evening, in my otherwise empty house. I would close my blinds for privacy and take the phone off the hook. And then I would just stare at her somewhat awkwardly – usually saying very few words. In my defense, the attraction was purely intellectual. Before I knew it, a most unexpected long distance relationship began. You see, I live in Seattle. She lives in New York City.

Read More…

This past week marks a sad period for thousands of Americans who were stunned by the sudden passing of Osama bin Laden at the youthful age of 54. Known by many simply by his first name – much like Cher or Madonna – the tall, tanned and lean charismatic leader of the terrorist organization Al Qaeda was admired by millions of fanatical male followers throughout the Arab world whose primary life ambitions involved owning 72 virgins in the afterlife.

Bin Laden’s sudden passing is also cause for sadness among many Americans as well. True, there are a few Americans (this writer included) who are thrilled to see the nefarious mastermind of the 9/11 attacks get his long overdue justice. But thousands of Americans are despondent over the news of his passing – for a variety of reasons.

Read More…

[To LISTEN to an audio podcast of this week's column, press the PLAY button arrow below.]

Last week I told you about the phenomenal Watson Super Computer from IBM. Watson appeared on the TV quiz show Jeopardy! and completely dominated the competition against his two human opponents, the two most successful champions in the quiz show’s history.

As a result, I told you about Republican plans to vet Watson as a possible 2012 presidential candidate. And so far, so good. You can read last week’s column here.

As I mentioned last week, thanks to incriminating photos I have of House Speaker John Boehner, this reporter has obtained exclusive access to a private debate prep session in which GOP strategists pitted Sarah Palin against Watson in a mock presidential debate. The candidates’ responses showed pronounced differences in approaches to confronting the nation’s problems. Here is an excerpt from that debate, moderated by Larry King.

King: Do you believe global warming is a real phenomenon, and if so, do you believe man has played a part in escalating it? Watson?

Read More…

[To LISTEN to an audio podcast of this week's column, press the PLAY button arrow below.]

Last month, the nation was introduced to the world’s smartest computer: the IBM Watson. Watson is an example of the incredible strides made in artificial intelligence (A.I.). With four terabytes of storage capacity, including all of Wikipedia. Watson knows the answer to virtually any question, from Lady Macbeth to Lady Gaga.

Even more impressive than Watson’s depth of useless trivia is his … er… its ability to answer questions in a natural language.  Fittingly, Watson made his television debut on Jeopardy!, challenging the two most successful contestants in the show’s history, neither of whom were computers.

It was a grueling competition of man vs. machine, reminiscent of IBM’s Deep Blue vs. Grandmaster Garry Kasparov in chess. Watson was gracious in victory, never bragging or trying to fist bump his fans (which may have been in part due to his lack of fists). Watson easily trounced his two non-digital opponents.  In his Final Jeopardy answer, contestant Ken Jennings acknowledged the lopsided outcome, writing, “I welcome our new computer overlords.”

Read More…

[To LISTEN to an audio podcast of this week's column, press the PLAY button arrow below.]

Here’s a number that might scare you: $14,132,959,955,340. That’s 14 trillion dollars, give or take a few hundred billion. That’s the current estimate of our national debt according to the OMB (Office of Management and Budget). Here’s a slightly smaller but equally frightening number: $1 million.  That’s the amount our nation’s debt is expanding – per minute. The clock is ticking. Depressed? Don’t be. Because I have a brilliant solution to the nation’s debt crisis. And it doesn’t involve painful tax hikes, closing down your favorite park or eliminating daily delivery of your mail.

As many of you know, I (often imagine that I) am a highly sought-after, award-winning, Harvard-educated economist. I won’t drone on about my many notable achievements in the fields of econometrics or applied macro-economic asset price modeling theory (because there aren’t any). Suffice to say, I took both Econ-201 and Econ-202 in my second year of college. I have successfully balanced my family’s checkbook 9 of the past 12 months. And I have completely paid off our family’s credit card debt on all but 5 of our 17 credit cards. I saved $4,000 by the time I was 18 years old by doing summer jobs, and I didn’t blow it all until late spring of my freshman year of college (hey, I needed a new stereo system). So when I say I have a solution for the nation’s debt crisis, I think my credentials speak for themselves.

Read More…

In recent weeks, the situation in the chaotic, volatile region of the world has turned increasingly tense.

The mood of his fractured nation has become more volatile with each passing day.  Images on TV show streets filled with shouting, angry protestors, crying out for an end to the insanity. Meanwhile the intransigent tyrant refuses to listen to the advice of his inner circle. Recently he has gone on TV making bizarre, seemingly incoherent pronouncements about how the people love him and everything is fine – causing experts around the world to speculate whether he has lost touch with reality and become completely delusional.

But enough about Glenn Beck. I’m here to talk about Charlie Sheen. Sheen, star of the #1 sitcom on television, Two and a Half Men, is the richest actor on television, receiving a weekly paycheck of $2 million per episode. Apparently these meager wages are not enough for a man of his epic stature. This past week, Sheen went on one talk show after another, insisting he deserves $3 million an episode and denying that he has any problems with drugs or alcohol  – sharing the results of his most recent drug test on live national TV on  Piers Morgan Tonight.

Read More…

[For a look back at my 2010 predictions for the year 2011, click here. You will be amazed at the accuracy of some of my prognostications.]

[To LISTEN to an audio podcast of this week's column, press the PLAY button arrow below.]

Every January, since this humor blog launched back in 1975, I take time out to gaze into my crystal ball (that’s my wife playing around with it at left – I hate it when she does that; she almost broke it in 2007) and make my forecast for the year ahead. Often people are stunned by the incredible [lack of] accuracy of my forecasts.

Hopefully very few of you will go rummaging around in the archives for my predictions from last year. In retrospect, I have to admit I erred in a few of my prognostications.

Here are some of my PREDICTIONS FROM LAST YEAR that did not turn out quite as I had predicted (Note to self: Make a note to upgrade to Crystal Ball Version 3.0 before next year):

You heard it here first: The ‘bromance’ film The Hangover will nudge out Jack Ass 3D for Best Picture at the Academy Awards, and Mike Tyson will win Best Supporting Actor, for his portrayal of, well, Mike Tyson. Avatar will be a total commercial flop at the box office and be completely shut out come Oscar time.

Goldman Sachs, having earned record-breaking profits only two years after the financial meltdown it helped cause, will make amends to the nation and singlehandedly solve the nation’s debt crisis by offering to pay down the entire US federal debt – and still have enough left over to pay each of its executives their annual $1 million year-end bonus. (Well, I got the $1 million bonuses part right at least.)

President Obama will surprise his critics by selecting Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report (right) to be the USA’s next ambassador to the United Nations. Colbert’s first U.N. resolution, a condemnation of North Korean ruler King Jong Il’s hairstyle (on human rights grounds), is unanimously adopted by the U.N. General Assembly.

In a period of unprecedented political bipartisanship, the leaders of both major political parties will sign a “peace accord” to end all their partisan bickering and name calling once and for all and will come together to sign the wildly popular healthcare reform bill.

After three years of trying to make sense of the phenomenon, the American public will finally figure out what the heck is the point of Twitter.

Sarah Palin, having had her 15 minutes of fame, will fade into obscurity and never be heard from again.

Okay, I admit it. 2010 was not one of my better years for prognosticating. Let’s face it, I probably won’t do any better for 2011. So this year, for a change, I thought I would gaze further into the future – 30 years out – to the year 2041. Why so far out, you ask? Because, according to my doctor, the odds are 7 to 2 that I won’t be around by then. So I really won’t care how far off the mark I was. Let’s get started.

The World: The war in Afghanistan, now in its 40^th year, will show signs of winding down, due in part to the fact that there are only 167 people still living in Afghanistan.

Hopes for a permanent Israeli-Palestinian peace accord will rise when the Israeli Prime Minister extends an olive branch, offering to let Palestinians claim full control over Jerusalem as their undivided Capitol. Hopes will fade once more when it becomes clear he was referring to Jerusalem, Ohio.

Politics: The United States of America, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the People’s Republic of China since 2026, will elect its first non-human as president, when the Sony QRIO-400, Sony USA’s fourth generation robot with artificial intelligence exceeding that of any human being, will win the election. Sony QRIO-400 will narrowly defeat the 55-year-old former rock legend, Senator Gaga, from the state of Key West (the 53^rd state), in the closest presidential election since New York Governor Alex Rodriguez narrowly edged out New Jersey Congresswoman Snooki in the 2028 election.

Mark Zuckerberg, Prime Minister of the breakaway Republic of Facebookistan, will announce a truce in his longstanding cyber war with the nation of Googleonia over the two nations’ longtime territorial dispute over the region formerly known as northern California.

The Economy: Thanks to new discoveries of massive oil and natural gas deposits in the Arizona region known as Texaco Cliffs (formerly known as Grand Canyon National Park), it will be another record-breaking year for oil companies. Those consumers who still drive gasoline-powered antique automobiles will benefit too, as the price of gasoline plummets to under $220 a gallon.

The employment situation will improve for the third year in a row, for robots and droids. For humans, unemployment remains flat at around 87%, thanks in part due to the fact that the only jobs currently available to humans are coffee drive-through barista, circus lion tamer and NFL cheer leader. No, wait. My bad. Just lion tamer and cheer leader. Sorry, people. The robots will have taken all the barista jobs too.

Science & Technology: 2041 will see the final demise of the Internet after decades of being plagued by viruses and slow performance. The last known Internet user – an 87-year old Inuit fisherman from Baffin Island, Canada – will pull the plug and throw his computer modem out onto the Arctic pack ice. (Correction: The Arctic pack ice will actually have disappeared permanently several years earlier, in 2026.)

The successor to the Internet, the Skin-Implanted Connectivity Chip (or SICC) will have been successfully implanted in more than 72% of humans, giving them instant 24/7 3D virtual connectivity anywhere in the world – except for a six- block section of downtown Manhattan, where reception is still rather spotty.

Transportation: New improvements in aviatic autoliners (otherwise known as flying cars) will take another step forward, now that the auto port re-fueling stations are finally open for business on the Moon (three years behind schedule). In a related story, Starbucks will announce plans to build 7,500 coffee bistros on the Moon by the year 2045.

Speaking of cars, China, the leader in auto manufacturing, will announce that the next generation of H₂O-powered vehicles will get better fuel economy than previous water-fueled models. Leading the way, the new Hummer Hydrate, at an impressive 450 miles per gallon, which is easily re-fueled by means of Hummer’s patented custom-fitted garden hose (hose sold separately for $11,999). In a related story, BP will announce plans to purchase glacier-covered Greenland from Denmark, ensuring enough fuel to keep American motorists driving for at least 5 more years.

Travel & Leisure: Thanks to the long-awaited mass commercialization of time travel in 2037, time travel virtual vacations to exotic destinations will have become routine by now. Complications will emerge when 32,000 South Florida retirees travel back to the year 2000, change their butterfly ballot vote to Gore. Nice try, but Bush still wins the election the second time around.

Celebrity News: Lindsay Lohan will celebrate her 55^th birthday this year by completing her latest rehab stint, proclaiming she has finally overcome her addiction to Diet Snapple Ice Tea. In her press conference leaving the Whitney Houston Clinic, Lohan hints that her next addiction will involve some type of breakfast cereal. My crystal ball’s hazy but it looks like it could be Captain Crunch.

The nation will mourn the shocking death of former President Mark Wahlberg in a fishing accident off the Pacific coast of Utah. President Wahlberg will probably best be remembered for his annual State of the Union addresses, in which he always delivered his speech without wearing a shirt.

Health & Fitness: After a 15-year longitudinal study, scientists will conclude that a rigorous program of daily weight training, yoga,  and aerobic activity poses serious health hazards to middle-aged people over the age of 110.

The Surgeon General will reveal what has long been suspected: A diet of low-fat, high fiber foods, low in sodium and sugar, poses dangerous health risks and recommends a diet rich in red meat, processed starch, and ice cream products. In a related story, the tobacco industry will cheer the results of new research from the American Medical & Tobacco Association that proves once and for all that a daily regimen of nicotine and carcinogens can add several years to your life.

Well, those are my predictions for 2041. Be sure to put a note in your 2041 virtual calendar to check back to this blog and see how well I did. In the remote chance in 2041, my body has become a hologram or has been stashed away in some deep freeze storage pod while scientists work on a way to bring people back to life, no worries. Just rent yourself a time machine, go back in time to January 2011, track me down, and let me know how I did. Many thanks.

That’s the view of the future – as seen from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2010 – 2011

[To view Part I of the Year in Review – January – June, click here.]

Welcome back. What took you so long? We continue now with Part II of The Year in Review for 2010 (July – December), as seen from the Bleachers. Now where were we? Oh yes……

July: The world (and by “world” I mean every single country on the planet besides the USA) is riveted to the exciting FIFA World Cup of Soccer in South Africa.  A new craze is born as people from Tokyo to Paris to Sydney are getting hooked on the endearing monotone droning sound of the buzzing vuvuzela horn (as first reported here in VFTB).

Soon these colorful one-note plastic horns are popping up everywhere – at baseball games, political rallies, shareholders’ meetings, birthday parties, weddings, and, most recently, at my friends’ Bernie and Gwen Weinberger’s baby boy’s circumcision ceremony. Perhaps I should have asked permission first. My bad.

Also in the news, American television raises the bar for highbrow entertainment even higher with the explosive popularity of the hip reality series Jersey Shore. Colorful characters like Snooki and “The Situation” become well-tanned, breast-implanted role models for our kids. Every week is a new life lesson, like this one from episode 17, when cast member Snooki reminds us: “I’m not trashy. Unless I drink too much” or when Pauley cautions impressionable young viewers: “One minute you got three girls in the Jacuzzi, the next minute somebody’s in jail.” Sure beats the pointless tripe they try to fob off on us from the BBC or the National Geographic Channel, if you ask this reporter.

Read More…