Trump Exposes Obama’s Long History of Scandals

Trump Exposes Obama’s Long History of Scandals

[Author’s note for the humor-impaired: This is political satire. It is not an actual letter from Trump. I can’t believe I need to include this disclaimer. Geez. – TEJ]


This is your 45th President, Donald J. Trump, here to set the record straight. Lately the Radical Left’s FAKE NEWS media has been airing a series of horrible lies about me and the roughly 47 federal and state civil and criminal investigations targeting me – all of which are totally made-up racist witch hunts.

Every single lawsuit is based on nasty lies. I mean, who are you going to believe: 500 newspapers, most major news networks, the Department of Justice, the House January 6th Committee, the FBI, Attorneys General from multiple states, constitutional scholars, Harvard Law professors, and Liz Cheney? Or me?

All the people attacking me are just jealous they’re not as rich, powerful, or successful as me. I will soon be restored to the White House where I belong. If you don’t believe me, just ask any of my 437 million loyal QAnon followers. They are great people. They love me. And I love them (so long as they help me win in 2024).

My fellow Americans, this is your rightful president, Donald Trump. I’m here to set the record straight. When it comes to corruption, I’m like a perfect Eagle scout compared to the countless nasty crimes and scandals of Obama. Next to Obama, I’m better than Jesus.

My fellow Americans, this is your rightful president, Donald Trump. I’m here to set the record straight. When it comes to corruption, I’m like a perfect Eagle scout compared to the countless nasty crimes and scandals of Obama. Next to Obama, I’m better than Jesus.

I didn’t want to write you this letter (along with my request that you send me another $100 for my legal defense fund). I really didn’t, but if people are going to attack me over a few minor misunderstandings, then I need to fight back. So I’m here to tell you that what they’re trying to dig up on me is nothing compared to the thousands – maybe hundreds of thousands (nobody really knows for sure how deep the corruption goes) of shocking scandals committed by my predecessor while he was in office.

First, all those documents I took to Mar-a-Lago were mine – except for the ones that the FBI planted there. I de-classified all of the documents – even the nuclear codes – like any president has the absolute right to do. All I had to do was simply close my eyes, click my heels, and say three times, “There’s nobody as smart as me.”

But Obama has literally thousands and thousand of documents he stole from the White House at the end of his presidency. He is keeping them – totally against the law, mind you – at his own secret hideout, which the leftwing media and the radical National Archives call “The Barack Obama Presidential Library.” And he refuses to give any of them back. That’s because he’s worried I’ll finally locate his Kenyan birth certificate. It’s probably hidden in some file cabinet in the basement, right next to Hillary’s emails. At least, that’s what Mike (My Pillow) Lindell told me.

And now New York state’s racist, incompetent Attorney General Latitia James has filed a civil lawsuit trying to wipe out my business and go after my three kids, Ivanka, Don Jr, and whatever the other one’s called. She claims I have committed dozens of examples of tax fraud and bank fraud by misrepresenting the values of my real estate holdings. That’s an insane lie and an attack on our country.

If you look at the fine print at the back of the appendix, written in Latin, you’ll see in each document that it says, “The estimated value may be off by a factor of 2,000 percent. I cannot be held liable for any misstatements of value because, let’s face it, I don’t read.” So, if the banks and the IRS relied on my written statements, well, frankly, that’s on them. Besides, who really knows what anything’s worth these days with the market as volatile as it is?”

But whatever minor rounding errors in estimating the value of my properties may have occurred, that’s nothing compared to the financial scandals lurking in B. HUSSEIN Obama’s closet. He sold his house in Chicago for $15,000 OVER-ASKING, in a down market. And the inspection failed to report that the wood floors totally needed to be re-finished. Very suspicious if you ask me. Why isn’t anybody investigating that?

When Biden stole the 2020 election, it was the biggest fraud in our nation’s history – unless you count the time Obama said he’d get us out of Afghanistan – and didn’t!. Okay, so I didn’t either, but he didn’t do it first, so it’s totally his fault. Such a liar.

Obama should have been impeached for this fashion faux pas alone. A beige suit in the White House? Seriously? And his boring tie didn’t even go all the way down to his crotch like my ties do. Truly criminal.

Obama should have been impeached for this fashion faux pas alone. A beige suit in the White House? Seriously? And his boring tie didn’t even go all the way down to his crotch like my ties do. Truly criminal.

Ask any MAGA supporter of mine. They’ll tell you that the 2020 election was stolen. And the only proof the Dems have to offer is that their candidate got 7 million more votes than me. But most of those were from mail-in voters (and blacks and gays), so those votes should never have been counted.

After the election, I created my totally legit Election Defense Fund and raised over $250 million. Now the January 6th Fake Select Committee is claiming I ripped off all those donors. And their only argument is that they can’t find any evidence the Election Defense Fund ever existed. I say, they’re not looking hard enough.

They also claim I pocketed all the money for my own personal gain. But that’s simply not true. I split the money with Jared, Ivanka, and some Saudi friends who guaranteed that if I needed to move there I could not be extradited. Besides, if my supporters want to give me their money, that’s their patriotic right to do that. Did I mention, they love me?

But Obama once was caught stealing from the American people in broad daylight. He stole an entire pack of Topps Major League Baseball cards. And yet he never served a single day at Guantanamo. Perhaps because he was seven at the time. Lame excuse.

A tiny number of women – by which I mean way less than a hundred – have accused me of sexual assault or rape. But they’re all liars – like Stormy Daniels, who claimed I paid her $130,000 to stay quiet about our affair. Not true. I only paid her $100K. (The other $30K was for an espresso maker she sold me.)

Again, this is little league stuff compared to Obama. While president, he was caught helping a woman undress in the Lincoln Bedroom. I refuse to believe his lame explanation that the woman was his wife Michelle and she had just gotten her dress’s zipper stuck.

Because of all the pressure of being president, I will admit that I golfed now and then. I can’t count the exact number of times I golfed at Mar-a-Lago or one of my other resorts at taxpayer expense. I want to say seven, but I could be off by a couple (thousand). But according to Rudy, Obama golfed over 25,000 times during his presidency – that’s practically all he ever did. So lazy. And not once in all of those outings did he ever score a hole-in-one. But I made ten holes in one while president. Just ask Lindsay Graham. He’ll vouch for me. (Because I totally own him.)

Speaking of cheating, I was told by Sean Hannity that he once saw Obama blatantly foul Rep. Louie Gomert in a pickup basketball game with members of Congress. He clearly shoved Louie in the process of shooting. But Obama got away scot-free. No charges were ever filed. Clearly the ref was on the take.

Obama claimed he advocated healthy eating. He said he liked arugula. What is arugula, anyway? Probably some Muslim food. But he lied. Here he is eating a chili dog at the Iowa State Fair. What a hypocrite – something no one has ever accused me of being – EVER!

Obama claimed he advocated healthy eating. He said he liked arugula. What is arugula, anyway? Probably some Muslim food. But he lied. Here he is eating a chili dog at the Iowa State Fair. What a hypocrite – something no one has ever accused me of being – EVER!

But perhaps the biggest scandal of all is that Obama was even allowed to serve as president in the first place. In addition to not being born here, and secretly being a Muslim terrorist, he’s black. Since when did we allow those kind of people to run for the presidency?

When I’m restored to the throne in 2024, I will put an end to allowing blacks and other minorities to hold political office – or vote or live near me. In the meantime, keep following me on my Truth Social. Check out today’s post in which I reveal the shocking truth about Joe Biden: When he was a kid, he used to stutter. Such a loser.

Your Majesty Your REAL President,

 

 

 

Donald J. Trump

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

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My Private Workout with Obama

My Private Workout with Obama

[The following is a 100% partially true story.]

That is actually Barack Obama behind me. We’re working out together… well, not together, but in the same fitness center at the same time. I think he’s taking a photo of me, Tim Jones, the famous Humor Blogger. It took all my willpower to resist hugging him and crying that I missed him. So, I settled for a kiss.

That is actually Barack Obama behind me. We’re working out together… well, not together, but in the same fitness center at the same time. I think he’s taking a photo of me, Tim Jones, the famous Humor Blogger. It took all my willpower to resist hugging him and crying that I missed him. So, I settled for a kiss.

People routinely accuse me of telling over-the-top fabricated stories in this column. They make these outrageously unfair accusations just because I may bend the truth a tiny bit occasionally – and by occasionally, I mean not more than 80% of the time. (The other 20% I’m telling the truth, although, admittedly, that’s usually by accident.)

But this time, I swear I’m writing with utter veracity. Recently I had a private workout with Barack Obama – the 44th president of the United States. I was in San Diego for an industry conference. Obama was the keynote speaker. I wasn’t able to attend his address because it started at 8:00 am, and that was just way too early to rise and shine – even for my favorite President.

I was staying at a nearby Hilton. The day following his speech, I was working out in the hotel’s fitness center, doing my usual exercise routine of pretending to pedal on a stationary bike, while watching an episode of Parks and Recreation on my iPad.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear but the 44th prez with two bodyguards near.

There he was, not ten feet from me, pumping barbells and doing pushups. There were only eight of us in this rather large room, plus Obama and his two-man secret service detail, who were stoically standing at attention in the far corner of the room.

My brain was spinning way faster than I was pedaling at the sudden realization that the former president (my hero) and I were, in essence, working out together! There was no metal detector, no security pat-down or any effort to detain me from entering the gym. Thank God they didn’t check to see I’m a humor writer who makes fun of politicians, or else I’d probably be sitting in a Guantanamo cell right now.

Outwardly, I continued to remain calm. But inwardly I was freaking out. I could not take my eyes off him – even though the Parks and Recreation episode was a particularly good one.

In my head, my brain was buzzing with things I wanted to say if Obama came near me:

Mr. President, I miss you so much!!! [after which I would commence sobbing] … Or (more…)

Millions mourn as Obama conspires with Storm of Century to steal election

Millions mourn as Obama conspires with Storm of Century to steal election

In what has been the most polarizing campaign since our nation was torn apart by Pepsi’s shocking defeat of Coke in the Pepsi Challenge of 1975, it appears that thanks to an ingenious last-minute October Surprise maneuver, President Obama has stolen the 2012 presidential election, defeating America’s (and God’s) preferred candidate, Mitt Romney.

Devising a brilliant never-before-tried campaign tactic, Obama strategists implemented October’s devastating Super Storm Sandy, and using an offer of a lifetime supply of Hostess Twinkies, was able to bribe New Jersey Governor Chris Christie into extolling Obama’s leadership in a crisis, just days before the election. The devious ploy appears to have worked, as Obama eked out a narrow, albeit hotly contested, win. Even God did not see this one coming, according to a Romney spokesperson, who added “God and Mother Nature are going to have a long talk about this.”  .

(more…)

Why I’m switching my vote to Romney.  Reason #17: I just like his hair.

Why I’m switching my vote to Romney. Reason #17: I just like his hair.

[Note from the Staff of VFTB: We proofread Tim Jones’ rant below about why he’s switching his vote from Obama to Romney. We uncovered a few minor errors in his analysis and felt compelled to insert corrections as needed. – the Staff]

I’ve been a lifelong Democrat ever since my grandmother was five years old. I can still remember the very first vote I cast for president – for Millard Fillmore (I just liked the way his name sounded). I later found out he wasn’t actually on the ballot when I first voted in 1976.

In 2008, I voted for Barack Obama. Like millions of Americans, I was inspired by his vision of Hoes in Chains, or whatever his slogan was. But when I look back on the past four years, it’s clear that Obama is not up to the task of leading our nation for another four years. Let’s look at his track record:

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Was Romney’s horse on steroids at the Olympics? And other questions voters want answers to

Was Romney’s horse on steroids at the Olympics? And other questions voters want answers to

It’s now less than two months until the 2012 presidential election. The field of candidates has been whittled down to the Final 13. The short list includes several impressive independent candidates, like  Robert Burck, better known to New Yorkers as the Naked Cowboy, Brian J. Moran of Texas, who, as best as anyone can tell, is the only candidate running this year on the Jedi party ticket, and Vermin Supreme, whose boldly fresh platform calls for an end to gingivitis and more investment in time travel research. Vermin also courageously promises a free pony for every American. (I am not making any of this up.)

Fortunately, to make it easier for the average American to decide for whom to cast their vote, our electoral system has given two candidates a slight edge in the race to the White House: incumbent Barack Obama and that other guy, whose name temporarily escapes me because of the complete dearth of political ads on his behalf – no wait a minute, it’s coming to me. Yes, Mitt Romney.

(more…)