[Author’s note: Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. – tej]
#1 Terrorist Organization in the World looking for #2 in Command to lead us into the 13th Century (Tora Bora, Afghanistan)
Date: 2012-06-20, 10:08 PM ADT (Afghanistan Daylight Time)
Do you like to lead people? Can you inspire others to go the extra mile in rugged mountain terrain? Do you want more virgins than you can handle in Heaven? Are you fascinated by aerial drones? Then this job may be for you! Keep reading.
Al Qaeda has an immediate job opening for a #2 Commander to oversee logistics, recruitment, military weapons acquisition, burqa fashion enforcement and money-laundering.
Salary: Negotiable, based on previous experience wreaking havoc and destruction on corrupt, foreign, illegitimate, imperialist, capitalist, infidel governments destined to be swept aside by the hand of the Almighty when the Islamic Caliphate rises up.
Location: A cave in an undisclosed secret location somewhere in a mountainous region in Afghanistan (see map below right for exact location).
I was recently astounded to read that the USA has more prisoners per capita than any other country in the world, easily surpassing #2 Russia. Did you know that the USA makes up just 5% of the world’s population but 25% of its prisoners? All I can say is WAY TO GO, AMERICA!
We now have over 2 million Americans living in prison (several million more if you include New Jersey). The cause of the explosion in our inmate population over the past thirty years is primarily thanks to the incredible success of our War on Drugs, and only secondarily because of the many cast members of Jersey Shore who have served time.
A thoughtful examination of America’s War on Drugs leads to only one obvious conclusion: By any standard (other than reducing the level of our nation’s rampant drug abuse problem), this war has been an overwhelming success. The only thing left to do is hang a Mission Accomplished banner atop the fence along the U.S. – Mexican border.
Thanks to our impressive victory in the war on drugs, we have corralled thousands of our nation’s most dangerous habitually stoned South Park viewers and thrown them into the Graybar Hotel. Law-abiding Americans can now sleep safely, knowing they no longer have to fear that a deranged pothead might break into their home during a late night Harold and Kumar movie marathon in search of Doritos or other snack foods with dangerously unhealthy levels of high-fructose corn syrup.
Last week, Apple began shipping the much hyped iPad, the sexy-looking, wafer-thin tabloid computer that Steve Jobs himself has called “the most important thing” he has ever done. While some detractors scoff that it’s nothing more than a larger version of the popular iPod Touch handheld device, the overwhelming sentiment of most people who have seen it is along the lines of “If I promise you my first born, will you let me leap to the front of the line?” Before the device was even on store shelves, Apple had already received a quarter million pre-orders. Some analysts forecast they could sell 5 million units in the first year, making it the most successful new product launch in history.
The evangelical fervor is bordering on hysteria. Some techno geeks who have never had a date in their lives are already calling it the greatest invention since Gutenberg printed the first Bible some 600 years ago. Others are simply calling it the Jesus Tablet, because of the almost mystic, spiritual aura surrounding this seeming “holy grail” of computer gadgetry. If that’s not enough of a Biblical connection, why is it that the Bible even has an entire book named after Apple’s founder, the Book of Jobs? At the risk of comparing apples to oracles, this leads me to ask the obvious theological-technological question: Which is better, Jesus or the new “Jesus Tablet”, the iPad?