Okay, maybe I make a few things up now and then in this blog. I’m not proud of it. I have decided to turn over a new leaf and come clean about some of my previous false and potentially slanderous comments (with the exception of my previous remarks in which I have publicly questioned the patriotism of actor George Clooney – I stand by those comments).

As a professional humorist, it’s my job to provide illuminating commentary on the important people and events that make the news – like the Florida Boy Scout troop leader who this past week accidentally set his arm on fire – or the recent shocking study that concluded that sex with farm animals can lead to penis cancer. (Both are true stories. I would not lie about things as important as boy scouts and farm animals.)

In my thoughtful commentaries, I often make use of insightful research – unless it takes more than five minutes on Google to obtain this research, in which case I usually just make it up. But, please don’t judge me. I am not the only offender. The fact is that 68% of statistics cited by bloggers are complete fabrications. Okay, it’s possible I just made up that statistic.

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BLACKSBURG, VA – A newly released study reveals potentially upsetting news for millions of white Americans. According to the longitudinal study, the conclusions are shocking: Black Americans are getting happier – much happier.

The study by the University of Pennsylvania, tracking the “happiness gap” between black and white Americans since the 1970s, reports that the gap has dramatically narrowed in recent years to the narrowest margin since the study’s beginnings. Fortunately for white Americans, they are, on average, still happier than their black counterparts – but not by much anymore.

Even more alarming is the study’s finding that while blacks’ happiness has progressively improved over the past four decades, whites’ happiness has steadily declined. A spokesman for the National Association for the Advancement of Non-Colored People (NAANCP) argues that there can only be one conclusion to draw from this study: that over the past forty years, blacks have been deliberately and systematically stealing happiness away from whites, without even asking permission or so much as a thank you very much, leaving millions of white Americans outraged and nervous about their futures.

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In this tumultuous economy, America’s leading consumer brands have come up with a bold new strategy to replace sagging revenues: Filing multi-million dollar lawsuits for brand infringement.

Recently it was reported that America’s leading cereal manufacturer, Kellogg’s is suing a Californian non-profit organization, the Maya Archeology Initiative, claiming the nonprofit’s use of a toucan in its logo (left) too closely resembles Kellogg’s famous Fruit Loops cereal icon, Toucan Sam. Apparently Kellogg’s is trying to corner the market on both high-fructose breakfast cereals and cartoon toucan characters.

Kellogg’s is no stranger to filing lawsuits for brand infringement. In 1998, they sued Exxon over the oil company’s use of a tiger for a long-running ad campaign to “put a tiger in your tank.” Kellogg’s claimed that Exxon’s tiger bore too close a resemblance to their own famous icon, Tony the Tiger. Apparently, Kellogg’s is also trying to corner the market on cartoon tigers – perhaps with an eye to opening America’s first cartoon zoo.

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Last week I shared with you some bold new initiatives planned by America’s leading Tea Party politicians to wipe out the entire US Debt before the end of the year. Think of it as a gigantic Christmas present to America from the Tea Party (so long as you’re not elderly, disabled, poor, a member of a labor union, Muslim or, worse yet, gay).

You can read last week’s post here, where you will learn about brilliant ideas put forth by some of the brightest stars in the Tea Party caucus of Congress to save trillions in wasteful spending in the areas of healthcare, education, and financial regulatory reform.

As brilliant as those thoughtful plans are, I’ve saved the best of the best for this week’s conclusion. So let’s get started, shall we? Here are some even more brilliant debt-reduction schemes waiting to be implemented by the Tea Party-controlled Congress* (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Koch Brothers Industries*).

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Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America.

As a result of the gridlocked debate, at least one major credit agency has already downgraded the USA’s credit rating. At our current rate of spending, our $14.5 trillion debt will explode to over $29 trillion in ten years unless we do something to stop this runaway train. Thankfully, the freedom-loving Tea Party members of Congress have come up with several innovative solutions which – when approved by the Tea Party-controlled Congress – will help us pay off our nation’s debt completely – by December 17^th – just in time for Christmas.

I have previously discussed my own bold solutions to our nation’s debt crisis. But my debt reduction schemes pale next to the brilliance of these new Tea Party solutions. These unprecedented initiatives give me hope that America may once again become a great nation of predominantly white, 6^th grade-educated, patriotic, flag-waving, NRA-supporting NASCAR fans who occasionally like to dress up in wacky Colonial attire and carry misspelled signs with phrases like “Repsect Are Country – No More Alliens.” Take a look at some of these clear-headed proposals initiated by our most capable Tea Party leaders.

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It was not too long ago that I held a deep-seated prejudice. No, I am not talking about my longstanding hatred of Hungarians, nor my antipathy towards vegetarians, nor even my heated disdain for anyone who earns more money than I do. I’m, of course, talking about my bigotry towards the elderly. Until quite recently, I lived under the misguided belief that old people tended to be poorer drivers and should have their driver’s licenses revoked once they turned 80.

In fairness, I have some supporting data to back up my bias. My grandfather did not stop driving until he was 86. In his later years he rarely used his turn signal, usually opting to indicate his intentions with his windshield wiper lever instead. He thought STOP signs were for pedestrians.  My mother, now age 90, only turned over the car keys at age 85 when she attempted to park her car in her own garage. That wouldn’t have been a problem except for her small oversight of forgetting to raise the garage door before entering the garage.

So imagine my surprise when I read about a new study this week that shows that grandparents are far safer drivers than parents when kids are in the car. In fact, the study conducted by State Farm Insurance involving claims for collisions between 2003 and 2007 concluded that kids are 50% less likely to become involved in an accident involving injuries when a grandparent is driving than when a parent is behind the wheel.

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If you’re reading this post, I have bad news for you. It means you did not get cosmically picked up by God in last weekend’s grand Rapture event. But don’t despair. There still is plenty of time to become a true believer. In case you missed the Rapture because you were glued to the Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon on E! TV all last weekend, you missed the news that last Saturday, May 21, 2011 was the official date of the Rapture, according to Biblical scholar and Christian Radio broadcaster, Harold Camping.

The Main Event – known by many as the Raptapalooza – took place this past Saturday at precisely 9pm Eastern Time (check your local listings for the time in your area). According to Christian Scripture, the Rapture – also known as Judgment Day – is the Must-See End-Times event, during which all true believers who are still alive as the end of the world approaches are taken from the earth by God and raised up into Heaven. Those who failed this faith-based litmus test are required, according to Scripture, to endure several more months or years (depending on which expert you believe) of foreboding times known as the Tribulation. During the Tribulation, one seriously pissed-off God Almighty inflicts upon the slackers who missed the Rapture Bus a smorgasbord of pain and suffering, including pestilence, earthquakes, floods, famine, and spiraling gasoline prices. By all accounts, it’s a bleak existence – sort of like what I imagine life would be like without Starbucks or having only a dial-up Internet connection. A Hell on earth.

According to the latest news reports, there was actually only one good Christian deserving enough to be lifted up to the Heavens in the Rapture this past weekend. The lucky winner turned out to be a 33-year-old unemployed carpenter named Jesse Caruthers of Wichita, KS. Jesse leaves behind an estimated 6,892,485,201 unworthy people still trapped on the planet earth to await a series of cataclysmic disasters, starting with the season finale of Dancing with the Stars. Jesse told his neighbor, Ed Whitley, shortly before his ascension into Heaven how excited he was that his wife, Doris, and their three sons were going to meet Jesus. Apparently, Doris and the boys were not quite the devout, deserving Christians they had led Jesse to believe, as they stayed back with the other 6.9 billion sinners.

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For years, our nation’s law enforcement agencies have made great technological strides in their efforts to hunt down criminals. Thanks to popular shows like CSI Miami, CSI New York, CSI Las Vegas, and the lesser known CSI Akron, CSI Schenectady and CSI Terre Haute, Indiana, police in our nation’s most crime-ridden cities (have you been to Terre Haute lately? Lock your doors!) are now able to use sophisticated tools to solve perplexing crimes and track down the bad guys.

But soon our nation’s police may turn to a decidedly low tech solution to help them catch a thief, that is, if they take my expert crime-prevention counsel. I give you Exhibit A: baggy pants – preferably worn about mid-thigh – by fashion-conscious urban gang members.

I recently discovered that in the past nine months no less than three robberies have been foiled as the would-be robber tripped over his low-riding baggy pants while attempting to make his getaway. Imagine if all robbers wore baggy pants how much safer a nation we would be?

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I had the best time this past weekend. You see, it was the weekend of the much hyped Royal Wedding of His Royal Highness Prince William of Wales & the newly proclaimed Catherine Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, at Westminster Abbey. Prince William – or Willy, as he prefers me to call him – is really a very down-to-earth guy (but a horrible bluffer at strip poker, I found out this weekend). Willie, Kate and I had so much fun all day long. Not wanting to steal any of their thunder, I tried to stay in the background as much as possible. After all the day was about them, not me.

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[To LISTEN to an audio podcast of this week's column, press the PLAY button arrow below.]

Last week I told you about the phenomenal Watson Super Computer from IBM. Watson appeared on the TV quiz show Jeopardy! and completely dominated the competition against his two human opponents, the two most successful champions in the quiz show’s history.

As a result, I told you about Republican plans to vet Watson as a possible 2012 presidential candidate. And so far, so good. You can read last week’s column here.

As I mentioned last week, thanks to incriminating photos I have of House Speaker John Boehner, this reporter has obtained exclusive access to a private debate prep session in which GOP strategists pitted Sarah Palin against Watson in a mock presidential debate. The candidates’ responses showed pronounced differences in approaches to confronting the nation’s problems. Here is an excerpt from that debate, moderated by Larry King.

King: Do you believe global warming is a real phenomenon, and if so, do you believe man has played a part in escalating it? Watson?

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