Posts Tagged ‘celebrities’

Famous Americans share Thanksgiving messages of gratitude

View from the Bleachers interviewed famous Americans this past week, asking them “What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving season?” Here is a holiday gift basket of inspirational messages from some of our nation’s most illustrious, America-loving Americans.

Ann Romney, wife of presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney: “I was very disappointed that Mitt lost the election, due to that fluke late October hurricane and the minor fact that Mitt’s not very good at relating to people with net worths under $25 million. But we still have so much to be grateful for. Mitt’s hair still looks amazing. We just bought Monaco. Precious. And, frankly, the thought of having to downsize our lifestyle to fit into that cramped White House was something I really was not looking forward to anyway. Besides, six luxury houses is plenty. We know some families who can’t even afford four.”

Tim Tebow, backup NFL quarterback: “I thank my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, for giving me the opportunity to play this sport I love so much. And someday, the good Lord willing, I hope to have the chance to play on a professional NFL team. Until then, I am content to play for the New York Jets.”

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  • Ann Romney was hoping most of all to paint the White House mauve. And Chris Christie suffered a breakdown…
  • Published On Nov. 20, 2012 by TEJ
  • Humor blog revealed as tangled web of lies

    Okay, maybe I make a few things up now and then in this blog. I’m not proud of it. I have decided to turn over a new leaf and come clean about some of my previous false and potentially slanderous comments (with the exception of my previous remarks in which I have publicly questioned the patriotism of actor George Clooney – I stand by those comments).

    As a professional humorist, it’s my job to provide illuminating commentary on the important people and events that make the news – like the Florida Boy Scout troop leader who this past week accidentally set his arm on fire – or the recent shocking study that concluded that sex with farm animals can lead to penis cancer. (Both are true stories. I would not lie about things as important as boy scouts and farm animals.)

    In my thoughtful commentaries, I often make use of insightful research – unless it takes more than five minutes on Google to obtain this research, in which case I usually just make it up. But, please don’t judge me. I am not the only offender. The fact is that 68% of statistics cited by bloggers are complete fabrications. Okay, it’s possible I just made up that statistic.

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    • There's probably a 12-step program out there for you. Just sayin'
  • Published On Nov. 18, 2011 by TEJ
  • VFTB Exclusive: Breaking News! Sheen and Gaddafi agree to a job swap

    In recent weeks, the situation in the chaotic, volatile region of the world has turned increasingly tense.

    The mood of his fractured nation has become more volatile with each passing day.  Images on TV show streets filled with shouting, angry protestors, crying out for an end to the insanity. Meanwhile the intransigent tyrant refuses to listen to the advice of his inner circle. Recently he has gone on TV making bizarre, seemingly incoherent pronouncements about how the people love him and everything is fine – causing experts around the world to speculate whether he has lost touch with reality and become completely delusional.

    But enough about Glenn Beck. I’m here to talk about Charlie Sheen. Sheen, star of the #1 sitcom on television, Two and a Half Men, is the richest actor on television, receiving a weekly paycheck of $2 million per episode. Apparently these meager wages are not enough for a man of his epic stature. This past week, Sheen went on one talk show after another, insisting he deserves $3 million an episode and denying that he has any problems with drugs or alcohol  – sharing the results of his most recent drug test on live national TV on  Piers Morgan Tonight.

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  • Published On Mar. 05, 2011 by TEJ
  • 2010 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – Part II: July – December

    [To view Part I of the Year in Review – January – June, click here.]

    Welcome back. What took you so long? We continue now with Part II of The Year in Review for 2010 (July – December), as seen from the Bleachers. Now where were we? Oh yes……

    July: The world (and by “world” I mean every single country on the planet besides the USA) is riveted to the exciting FIFA World Cup of Soccer in South Africa.  A new craze is born as people from Tokyo to Paris to Sydney are getting hooked on the endearing monotone droning sound of the buzzing vuvuzela horn (as first reported here in VFTB).

    Soon these colorful one-note plastic horns are popping up everywhere – at baseball games, political rallies, shareholders’ meetings, birthday parties, weddings, and, most recently, at my friends’ Bernie and Gwen Weinberger’s baby boy’s circumcision ceremony. Perhaps I should have asked permission first. My bad.

    Also in the news, American television raises the bar for highbrow entertainment even higher with the explosive popularity of the hip reality series Jersey Shore. Colorful characters like Snooki and “The Situation” become well-tanned, breast-implanted role models for our kids. Every week is a new life lesson, like this one from episode 17, when cast member Snooki reminds us: “I’m not trashy. Unless I drink too much” or when Pauley cautions impressionable young viewers: “One minute you got three girls in the Jacuzzi, the next minute somebody’s in jail.” Sure beats the pointless tripe they try to fob off on us from the BBC or the National Geographic Channel, if you ask this reporter.

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    • In my rush to send this to you betwixt admoinishing stares and looks of revulsion, I may not have clicked…
      Frank A. Snyder
  • Published On Jan. 06, 2011 by TEJ
  • 2010 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers – Part I: January – June

    As a professional journalist, it is my job to stay informed about important news stories and trends, so you don’t have to. This week, as I have done every year since this blog’s inception in 1975, I take stock in the people and events that shaped our world over the past 365 days.

    [Editor’s note: For those of you following the Jewish calendar, look for my special Rosh Hashanah “You won’t believe what the Goyim world did to our people this past year” Edition, to be published at sundown on September 28, 2011, the start of the Jewish New Year. – TEJ]

    Consider this my Holiday gift to you – a week late, sorry. Blame it on the Post Office. Here is the annual View from the Bleachers’ Year in Review – 2010 Edition, or as I like to call it VFTBYIR-2010E, for short.

    Oh, just one thing: Pay no attention to the subtle and repeated placement of gratuitous links to previous VFTB articles scattered throughout this week’s post. My tech person told me search engines like that sort of stuff. Hope you don’t mind. Let’s get started, shall we?

    January: Avatar smashes box office records as the biggest grossing movie of all time (not to be confused with Cannibal Holocaust, which gets VFTB’s vote for grossest movie of all time).  Thanks to Avatar’s amazing 3D effects and unprecedented profits, Hollywood begins unleashing a tidal wave of 3D films for 2010, including Alice in Wonderland, Toy Story 3, Rocky XXXVII and Oscar-buzz, early odds-on favorite for Best Picture, Jack Ass 3D (right).

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    • I so love this annual review of world events through your unique perspective. Living in the real world, I…
      Jim Hopkins
  • Published On Jan. 01, 2011 by TEJ
  • Lindsay Lohan is NOT a milkaholic!

    Lindsay Lohan drunk - thumbnailDid you happen to catch the mean-spirited Super Bowl ad by those bastards at E*Trade making fun of poor Lindsay Lohan? You know the one. It features a toddler boy talking on the phone with his toddler girlfriend who gives him grief for not calling her the night before. The girlfriend, suspicious of his behavior, confronts him and asks “And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn’t over?” just as another baby girl appears onscreen saying, “Milk-a-whaaat?” Here is the ad.

    Well, hello! Could it be any more obvious this was a direct, mean-spirited frontal assault on the reputation of the quiet, publicity-shy mega-star? Of course not. So the 23-year old celebrity actress did what any average private citizen who owns five houses, a lear jet and their own line of fashion footwear  would do when an ad mentions someone who shares their first name – she sued ‘em. Yes, she filed a totally justified lawsuit against those insensitive jerks at E*Trade for their blatant efforts to defame her in this commercial. Can you blame her? It’s obviously a direct character assassination, poking cruel fun at all the past media hype about her personal struggles with addiction to alcohol and cocaine and pain killers and stimulants and cough syrup and nasal spray and cosmetic surgery and changing her hair color and going to night clubs without wearing any underwear and … (Editor’s note: the preceding passage has been abridged due to space limitations.)

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    • Yeah! And what about me? I was so humiliated by being confused with her that I finally changed my name…
      Steve Fisher
  • Published On Mar. 19, 2010 by TEJ
  • 2009 – The Year in Review – As seen from the Bleachers

    Susan Boyle

    Most of you know that I am widely considered to be among the most serious journalists in my house. So this week, as I have done every year for the past 30 years, I take stock in the people and events that shaped our world over the past 365 days in the much anticipated View From the Bleachers Year in Review, or as I like to call it VFTBYIR, for short.

    My, what a crazy year it’s been. Here are just a few of the highlights (and low lights):

    January: As further evidence that racial discrimination is alive and well in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama is inaugurated as the 44th President, once again giving a black man the worst job in the entire nation. After a honeymoon that lasts almost two weeks, he quickly is attacked as a Black Hitler, a communist, a terrorist, and a really bad bowler.

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    • Great year in review...I think you are right that Sarah Palin is gunning for her own talk show to take…
      Brandon Pek
  • Published On Jan. 01, 2010 by TEJ
  • Kanye West’s Guide to a Kinder, Nicer YOU!

    Kanye and TaylorA lot of ink has been spilled over Kanye West’s latest impromptu rant.  Allow me to spill more.  Unless you have been living in a cave in northern Afghanistan , you’ve no doubt heard about the rapper’s well-thought-out decision to join country music sensation Taylor Swift onstage to accept her MTV Best Female Video award.

    On live TV, the ever-affable Kanye took center stage, overcoming his usual inherent shyness.  Grabbing the microphone from Taylor Swift, he cut her off in mid-sentence and blurted “I’m sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time.” His eloquence was greeted by a chorus of boos from a surprisingly annoyed audience and a look of complete shock from Beyoncé herself. (Go figure).

    What you may not recall is that this is not the first time Kanye has pulled such a stunt. He also took center stage at the American Music Awards in 2004, declaring he was robbed of the Best New Artist award. Boorish behavior? Perhaps. But on the bright side, at least he clearly has overcome his fear of public speaking.
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  • Published On Sep. 26, 2009 by TEJ