You Are Viewing All Posts In The Political humor Category

Joe Biden Facing Claims of Decent Behavior

[Washington, D.C. – December 5, 2017] Another day, another shocking conduct allegation – and this time, it targets one of the icons of American politics. Just minutes ago, the Washington Post reported that former Vice President Joe Biden has been accused of decent behavior in the presence of multiple women, and even several male colleagues in government.

On condition of anonymity, one woman, who described herself as a former staffer, shared her ordeal. “I was alone with the Vice President in his office and he kept staring at my briefs.” Further details have emerged to substantiate her claim that he was dazzled by her body of work and how well she had written her amicus curiae legal brief about the dangers of air pollution from strip mining.

Another female aide reportedly has a tape of Biden pushing her to expose her position – no matter how uncomfortable – on fracking without using protection.

Still another woman was more blunt in her claims, admitting that she’d engaged in a longstanding carnal relationship with Biden, even having sex in his official residence. She later came forward and reluctantly identified herself as Dr. Jill Biden, his wife of 40 years.

For decades, there have been whispers about Biden’s proclivity to engage in shocking acts of unsolicited civility towards attractive members of the opposite sex, as well as unattractive ones. Stories have long circulated about his tendency to avoid speaking in sexually graphic terms when around female subordinates, even in public.

Several complaints have surfaced from people who have seen Biden put his arms around women, in what appears to be a caring embrace, usually during military funerals honoring a fallen son, killed in action. Read More…


  • You had me worried there Timothy. I was in another room when my wife read your blog and she said…
    Mark
  • Published On Dec. 03, 2017 by TEJ
  • A Very Scary Fairy Tale – The Angry Orange Ogre

    Tim Jones: Hey kids. Wanna hear a bedtime story?

    Several young children: Yes, Mr. Tim! Please tell us a story!

    Tim: Okay, but I should warn you. It’s a scary tale!

    Johnny (age 9): I love scary stories, Mr. Tim!

    Tim: Well, if you insist. But this is a very, VERY scary story!

    Kevin (age 8): You can’t scare me, Mr. Tim!

    Tim: We’ll see about that, Kevin.

    Once upon a time there lived a mean and angry ogre called the TRUMP. The TRUMP was YUGE. He had an ugly orange face, like the scariest Jack-o’-lantern you’ve ever seen. His hair was made of golden straw. He lived in a fancy palace built of gold. And every few years, when the TRUMP tired of his latest wife slave, he would trade her in for a younger, prettier mail-order bride.

    The TRUMP was feared by all. If anyone dared speak ill of him, his orange face would turn red and his straw hair would stand on end and he would threaten to destroy them – or worse, sue them for all the pennies in their piggy bank. Oh, he was a very mean ogre!

    The TRUMP hungered for fame and power and palaces. So, one day, he declared he wanted to become ruler over the entire kingdom. He told the simple folk that their lives were miserable and that ONLY HE could make them happy again. They believed him – especially the ones living in the red villages.

    The peasants gathered throughout the land in record-breaking crowds, wearing his red cap, chanting his name and singing his praises. The TRUMP grew wild with power. He spread lies to incite his followers into hating foreigners and he warned them only to watch Fox News. Before long, all the simple folk believed that the TRUMP would MAKE THE KINGDOM GREAT AGAIN and they chose him to become their ruler.

    On the day the TRUMP took the throne, little did the simple folk know that the only creature he cared about was himself. He insisted that his servants only tell him good news about how his subjects loved him. And he banished anyone who questioned his wisdom, with these frightful words: YOU’RE FIRED!

    Read More…


    • Now you have gone to "FAR" .... covfefe
      TerryC
  • Published On Oct. 12, 2017 by TEJ
  • President Trump, the Results of Your Psych Eval Are In. We Need to Talk.

    Dear President Trump,

    My name is Dr. Nathan Feingold. I’m Head of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Recently, you received a court order to submit to a battery of psychological tests due to widespread concerns by members of your own administration, Congress, and your wife, about your stability. Each has observed that since you became president, your behavior has become increasingly erratic, or, to quote your recently fired FBI Director, “the dude’s batsh*t crazy”.

    This is an executive summary of the results. My findings highlight several areas of serious concern about your overall emotional, psychological and mental health. 

    Reading Comprehension and Vocabulary

    Your reading comprehension scores indicate a 4th grade reading level. When exposed to passages from various works of literature, including the Gettysburg Address and Shakespeare’s King Lear, you had difficulty identifying the underlying meaning of the passage. For example, you incorrectly opined that the primary point of Martin Luther King’s I have a Dream speech was that he dreamed he could own a house as nice as Trump Towers.

    On the positive side, you scored close to the median 3rd grade comprehension level when asked the colors of the main characters in the Dr. Seuss book, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. In reviewing the results of your vocabulary and spelling profile, your scores dropped off significantly for words having more than one syllable. For example, the capital of Arizona is spelled Phoenix, not Fenicks. And the word you were looking for was “presidential” not “precedential.”  Read More…


      No Recent Comments
  • Published On May. 13, 2017 by TEJ
  • Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition

    [The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.] 

    Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, and 500 other America-hating, fake media sources, the news lately has been amazingly great. Here’s a summary of the incredibly positive top stories from the past week.

    President Trump signed an Executive Order (EO) to override the Circuit Court of Appeals’ unanimous verdict, which had falsely claimed that his Muslim travel ban was a Muslim travel ban and thus unconstitutional and illegal. Trump’s EO officially bans all federal courts that disagree with any of his EOs because his awesome presidential constitutional authority is bigger than the courts’.

    President Trump had an amazingly successful first phone call with Queen Margrethe II of Denmark. In a seven-minute call originally scheduled for an hour, the Queen gushed about her adoration for America’s new president and pledged her full submission, we mean, full cooperation to ensure strong diplomatic relations. And if the Danish ambassador says Trump called the Queen a b*tch when she refused to let Trump deport all our Muslims to Denmark, the ambassador’s a lying, whining loser whose wife is a 4 at best.

    Read More…


    • Gee Tim, I thought this was supposed to be a comedy blog, not real news?!
      Lee
  • Published On Feb. 12, 2017 by TEJ
  • WARNING: You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder

    Over the past 18 months a previously unknown but highly dangerous psychiatric disorder has spread across the entire United States. It is now considered by medical experts to be our nation’s most nefarious mental health problem. This malady’s scientific name is Tolerance of Racist, Unbalanced, Misogynistic Predators Disorder. But it’s more commonly known by its acronym, T.R.U.M.P. 

    People exposed to T.R.U.M.P. lose the ability to maintain clear, rational thinking and are unable to tell fake news from real. Scientists have discovered that T.R.U.M.P. tends to target less educated and lower income individuals. Blue collar workers concentrated in white, rural communities seem to be particularly vulnerable to this disorder.

    One of the most insidious aspects of this thus-far incurable condition is that most people who have contracted it are oblivious to just how dangerous T.R.U.M.P. is to their safety and economic well-being. And the number of people afflicted has risen alarmingly in the past few months.

    Warning signs you may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P.

    If you enjoy reading conspiracy theory rants on social media about Mexicans and Muslims ruining America, you may have been exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Interaction with fake news sites like Breitbart and PatriotNation.com correlate highly with contraction of this mental illness. If you have no problem with the leader of our nation grabbing women by the genitals or walking into dressing rooms of beauty pageants to ogle young, semi-nude female contestants, you may have a particularly noxious case. If you believe in the concept of “alternative facts”, consult a psychiatrist immediately.

    Read More…


    • There are many forms of the disorder and it scares me how widespread it is. Or is it just more…
      Janice Strong
  • Published On Jan. 23, 2017 by TEJ
  • Trump Shakes Things Up with Bold Cabinet Appointments

    trump-cabinet-palinlDonald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any position in public education, a HUD Secretary with no previous experience dealing with public housing, a Secretary of State with no history in international diplomacy, and an EPA Head who believes climate change is a myth.

    In a similarly bold fashion, Trump’s latest Cabinet appointments are sure to win praise from supporters hopeful that he will turn back the clock (to 1953) and destroy unnecessary, wasteful government programs like Obamacare, banking regulation, Social Security and the environment.

    Here are some of Trump’s recent appointments, along with his explanation for the choice.

    For Director of the CIA: Boris Badenov (the Russian spy on Rocky and Bullwinkle)

    Trump: “There’s a lot of nasty stuff going on lately and I need someone who I can trust – someone who knows a thing or two about how spying works. That’s why I chose Boris. He will reveal the dark, embarrassing secrets of my detractors and keep our country safe by ruining their careers. Besides, Boris’ ruler is a close personal friend of mine and he says Boris is great at hacking into email servers.”

    Secretary of the Army: Sylvester Stallone

    “One word: Rambo. Just imagine how much ISIS butt he’ll kick now that he’s got nukes to play with. I thought about selecting Jim Nabors due to his experience playing Marine Private Gomer Pyle. But then I read a tweet that the actor was gay. One thing’s for sure: Our nation has never allowed gays in the military, and under a Trump Administration, it will stay that way. #I love the gays.”
    Read More…


  • Published On Dec. 12, 2016 by TEJ
  • Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020

    2020-election-flagIn the off chance you’ve been in a coma the past few weeks, I have some unsettling news. You might want to sit down. Donald Trump is our new President-Elect. Please, put down that sharp object.

    As denial about this shocking outcome gives way to anger, then depression and finally acceptance, pundits are deeply divided as to whether Trump’s election means four years of utter chaos, financial collapse, violence on the streets, nuclear Armageddon, and the end of civilization as we know it – or perhaps something far worse.

    If the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that if you’re running for the most important job in the world, political experience and proven competence are serious liabilities. Trump has re-written the political playbook. In past elections, having no previous relevant experience, combined with a vengeful temperament, a campaign built around stoking anger, fear, hate, racism, misogyny and a knee-jerk impulse to tweet insults at anyone who makes a joke about your hair might put you at a disadvantage. But that kind of thinking is so November 7th.

    Unless our President-Elect amends the Constitution to do away with elections and installs himself as Supreme Commander-for-Life (which experts put at slightly less than 50% odds), then in four years there will be another election. Candidates are already lining up for the chance to go for politics’ brass ring. Here’s a sneak peek at the early frontrunners for the 2020 presidential race.

    Kim Kardashian: For those people hoping 2016 would be the year we finally elected a female president, low-education white truck drivers overwhelmingly agree: Hillary was a lame choice – what with all those bland pantsuits, wonky policy papers and annoyingly high intellect. As Trump repeatedly pointed out, Hillary’s not exactly moving the needle on the 10-point beauty scale. No, what this nation is looking for in its first female head-of-state is a hot, curvy reality star who lets her body do the talking. Another qualification: Kim K has 49 million Twitter followers – almost five times as many as Hillary. (We checked.)
    Read More…


    • My money's on Putin for another 4 years
      Kevin
  • Published On Nov. 20, 2016 by TEJ
  • Trump is Right – Proof the Election is Rigged

    rigged-election-newspaperDonald Trump has alleged the 2016 presidential election has been rigged against him and that the only possible way he can lose will be because of fraud and collusion. As a noted investigative reporter, I felt it was my journalistic duty to check into these shocking allegations and uncover whether his claims could be substantiated. It turns out Donald Trump is correct. The election IS rigged against him. The proof is extensive and conclusive.

    First, Trump claims the liberal media has conspired to make him look bad – using nothing more than his own words – and the words of over a dozen female accusers – against him. But Trump argues vehemently that all of his female accusers are lying. And whose word are you going to believe, anyway? Their claims that Trump sexually assaulted them by kissing and groping them without their permission? Or Trump’s words claiming he routinely kisses and gropes women without their permission? Trump further adds that the media hasn’t devoted any coverage to what he speculates are numerous sex scandals involving Hillary with attractive younger male models. “It’s so unfair,” argues Trump.

    Trump also has alleged that he has evidence there will be rampant voting fraud on election day at many polling locations. He may be right about this. From my research, I’ve uncovered evidence there could be literally millions of people conspiring to secretly enter voting locations scattered throughout the country, after which they’ll close the curtains to hide their clandestine actions before surreptitiously pulling the lever for the enemy candidate. And from what I can tell, there is no one – other than Trump – attempting to stop them.

    Read More…


    • Too scary to believe, but how can you doubt such ruthless and investigative research. May the force be with them…
      Janice Strong
  • Published On Oct. 25, 2016 by TEJ
  • Muslims Report Stuff

    At the second muslims-report-stuffpresidential debate, a Muslim member of the Town Hall audience asked Donald Trump what could be done to reduce the intense level of Islamophobia. Trump replied with what many Americans think is an outstanding solution to address these concerns and help Make America Safe Again: “We have to be sure that Muslims come in and report when they see something going on.”

    What a brilliant idea. It appears Muslims by the thousands are embracing his advice – by taking to Twitter to report anything they witness in their Muslim community that seems suspicious. There’s even a Twitter hashtag they’ve created: #MuslimsReportStuff (honest!). Below are some tweets typical of what you’ll find there.

    I, for one, can’t thank Donald Trump enough for his inspired idea to enlist Muslims in keeping America safe – from Muslims. They seem to be doing a fantastic job so far. Keep up the great work, everybody!

    [Author’s disclaimer: The tweets posted below are all made up by me, Tim Jones, and do not represent actual tweets from actual Muslims. To see actual tweets, go to Twitter and search on #MuslimsReportStuff.]
    Read More…


    • People in America I'm afraid for you. Tim, I love the twitter handles you made up.
      Janice Strong
  • Published On Oct. 17, 2016 by TEJ
  • Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever

    The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.

    trump-letters-dr-shepherdOn Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness 

    I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.

    If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)

    Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy)
    Chief of Neuro-surgery
    Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy) 

    trump-letters-col-sandersOn Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief

    Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.

    I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.

    Colonel Harland Sanders
    Deceased Commander-in-Chief
    Kentucky Fried Chicken Read More…


  • Published On Sep. 16, 2016 by TEJ