I believe it’s every American’s duty to do their small part to make our country a better place to live. That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to take immediate executive action to DEPORT MY NEIGHBOR BERT ZABLINSKI NOW! Have you seen his lawn? The last time his grass was less than a foot high, dinosaurs roamed the earth. And don’t get me started about his front yard collection of 47 plastic African garden gnomes or his 14-foot tall sculpture of Elvis giving the finger which he made using only Budweiser cans and Cheez Whiz.
Someone has to take action. Why not the President? I discovered this great web site called We the People, which lets you directly petition the White House. It gets over 300 petitions a day, many from people able to construct nearly complete sentences with nouns and verbs.
The We the People Petition-the-White-House web site was launched in September 2011, and has since received more than 142,000 petitions and 9.2 million signatures. The volume of petitions has spiked since Obama’s re-election in November 2012, mostly from disaffected white southerners furious about Obama’s apparent plans to take away everyone’s guns and require us all to convert to Islam. I must have missed that news story.
In case you’re just now emerging from a three-month coma or don’t have a television, you may have missed that Michelle Obama seems to be everywhere lately. Ever since she unveiled her brand new, trend-setting bangs in January, you almost can’t turn on the TV without seeing the First Lady. In February, she was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon where she and Jimmy performed The Evolution of Mom Dancing, which became an overnight You Tube viral sensation. Days later she announced the winner of Best Picture at the Academy Awards. And I’m pretty sure I saw her substituting for Judge Judy last Thursday. (Michelle ruled in favor of the beautician who warned her customer that a rainbow-colored perm… oh, never mind.)
If you can’t get enough of the First Lady, you’re in luck. View from the Bleachers has gained access to her upcoming schedule of appearances. She is one busy lady. Here is an exclusive sneak peak at her travel schedule for the next 30 days:
March 15: Travels to Rome to perform a dance video with newly appointed Pope Francis, grooving to the tune of The Harlem Shake. Zips over to Milan to welcome contestants in The Amazing Race to their next pit stop. (We at VFTB are rooting for the deaf lesbian twins. They’re so nice.)
A small minority of Americans (estimated to be less than 87%) were shocked by recent remarks by Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association, the world’s largest gun rights lobbying organization.
In his remarks LaPierre argued forcefully that the problem is not that there are too many guns in America. The problem is that there are not enough of them. Putting the blame for youth violence squarely where it belongs, LaPierre argued that the problem is not that deadly weapons are almost as easy to buy as toothpaste. No, he argued, youth violence is caused by all the violence kids are exposed to in video games and movies like Toy Story 3.
The NRA’s solution? Place armed guards at every school, and arm every principal. Let every teacher pack heat. The fact that this is estimated to net over $150 million in additional domestic gun sale revenues for NRA-member gun dealers is sheer coincidence.
We continue this week with Part II of VFTB’s Annual Year in Review for 2012. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much. But you can check it out here. Let’s continue now with the Year in Review. Don’t skip ahead to December and spoil the surprise ending, okay?
July: The world becomes glued to their TV sets as the London Olympic Games take center stage. The Games’ most memorable moment comes during its Opening Ceremonies, when Queen Elizabeth makes a spectacular parachuting entrance into the stadium. Later in the games, however, Her Royal Majesty is ejected from the women’s javelin toss competition when one of her Corgis tests positive for steroids.
Unemployment continues to slowly abate as the USA posts its 28th consecutive month of job growth. Presumed Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney claims that if it were not for Obama’s failed economic policies, the nation’s unemployment rate would be negative 10% by now. Obama offers to buy Romney a new calculator.
As has been the proud tradition of this prestigious news publication since 1975, it is time for VFTB’s Annual Year in Review for 2012, where we look back at the important news stories of the past twelve months that you missed because you were too busy playing Resident Evil 6 on your PlayStation 3. In Part I of this two-part special report, we cover January through June. We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get started.
January: The Euro Zone crisis continues to deepen. But European Central Bank and IMF leaders calm jitters when they declare they’re close to reaching consensus on the outline of a resolution to come up with a tentative roadmap for a possible plan to assemble an exploratory advisory board to study the feasibility of launching a steering committee to look into a possible framework to solve the crisis, thus forestalling a complete economic collapse for another two weeks, and giving European leaders and bankers just enough time to funnel all their assets into an account in the Cayman Islands.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insists there is absolutely no truth to the speculation that Iran is developing nuclear weapons. He further denies that he cheats at poker, is a lousy tipper or uses Just for Men to dye his beard. But he does confirm that he is in negotiations to appear on Dancing with the Stars.
In what has been the most polarizing campaign since our nation was torn apart by Pepsi’s shocking defeat of Coke in the Pepsi Challenge of 1975, it appears that thanks to an ingenious last-minute October Surprise maneuver, President Obama has stolen the 2012 presidential election, defeating America’s (and God’s) preferred candidate, Mitt Romney.
Devising a brilliant never-before-tried campaign tactic, Obama strategists implemented October’s devastating Super Storm Sandy, and using an offer of a lifetime supply of Hostess Twinkies, was able to bribe New Jersey Governor Chris Christie into extolling Obama’s leadership in a crisis, just days before the election. The devious ploy appears to have worked, as Obama eked out a narrow, albeit hotly contested, win. Even God did not see this one coming, according to a Romney spokesperson, who added “God and Mother Nature are going to have a long talk about this.” .
[Note from the Staff of VFTB: We proofread Tim Jones’ rant below about why he’s switching his vote from Obama to Romney. We uncovered a few minor errors in his analysis and felt compelled to insert corrections as needed. – the Staff]
I’ve been a lifelong Democrat ever since my grandmother was five years old. I can still remember the very first vote I cast for president – for Millard Fillmore (I just liked the way his name sounded). I later found out he wasn’t actually on the ballot when I first voted in 1976.
In 2008, I voted for Barack Obama. Like millions of Americans, I was inspired by his vision of Hoes in Chains, or whatever his slogan was. But when I look back on the past four years, it’s clear that Obama is not up to the task of leading our nation for another four years. Let’s look at his track record:
With each passing week, the 2012 presidential race is getting tighter and tighter. The most recent Gallup poll has it at 49.99999999% for Romney and 49.99999999% for Obama. A dead heat. Scientists have discovered molecules with more space between them than these polling numbers.
Just three months ago, the number of battleground states had narrowed to eight. In the past month, it has narrowed even further – to just one state: Ohio. Both candidates have been spending so much time in this state they now know most Ohioans on a first-name basis, as well as their pets.
Political pundits argue that as Ohio goes, so goes the election. Both parties’ campaigns have dissected the Buckeye State county by county, city by city, donut shop by donut shop. They have narrowed down their focus to one household in a small town in central Ohio. Using sophisticated statistical analysis, both campaigns now believe the election will come down to which candidate can win over the final two undecided voters remaining in America: Howard and Marjorie Grundfeldt of Pickerington, Ohio. As the Grundfeldts go, so goes the election.
There are only a few more weeks until Election Day. Polls paint a bleak picture for Romney’s chances of winning the White House – which house is even lovelier than his ski chalet house in Park City, Utah, but not quite as lovely as his ocean-front house in La Jolla. But that’s not the point.
The point is that for weeks Romney has been playing defense thanks to some unfortunate gaffes like claiming that 47% of Americans are freeloading parasites, letting it slip that he and Vladimir Putin are longtime BFF pen pals, and accidentally admitting he is a New York Yankees fan (there goes the Massachusetts vote). Reports that he recently purchased India’s Taj Mahal as a winter vacation get-away probably won’t help either.
Any way you slice the polling data, the news does not look good for Romney. He trails Obama with the following demographic groups:
Women, Latinos, blacks, gays, people under 25, people over 25, people who identify themselves as middle class, people with access to the news, people who can do basic math, people who can identify Canada on a map, and people who are nice to their pets
It’s now less than two months until the 2012 presidential election. The field of candidates has been whittled down to the Final 13. The short list includes several impressive independent candidates, like Robert Burck, better known to New Yorkers as the Naked Cowboy, Brian J. Moran of Texas, who, as best as anyone can tell, is the only candidate running this year on the Jedi party ticket, and Vermin Supreme, whose boldly fresh platform calls for an end to gingivitis and more investment in time travel research. Vermin also courageously promises a free pony for every American. (I am not making any of this up.)
Fortunately, to make it easier for the average American to decide for whom to cast their vote, our electoral system has given two candidates a slight edge in the race to the White House: incumbent Barack Obama and that other guy, whose name temporarily escapes me because of the complete dearth of political ads on his behalf – no wait a minute, it’s coming to me. Yes, Mitt Romney.