That’s my sister, Betsy Jones – on a good day. She’s 52 years old, but on most days acts 24: carefree, fun-loving.  But on a bad day, stay away from her because she is cursed with absolutely the worst luck of anybody I know. Take a good close look at this photo. You may think she’s on the verge of snapping – about to lose it and leap over the wall, with a one-way ticket to Crazy Town. And you would be correct.

You see, Betsy has had, well, a rather challenging life, to put it mildly. Imagine Winnie the Pooh going on an “explore”.  He comes upon a sign that says “This way to ‘Honey, Goodness, and Nice People’, that way to ‘Hell’s Burning Dungeons of Despair.’” Of course Pooh follows the sign toward ‘Honey’. Problem is, by the time Betsy gets there, the wind blew the signs around. Uh oh. That’s the story of Betsy’s life – “Blown by the wind.”

You know how some people lead a charmed life? Well, I think Betsy was put on this planet to balance out the scales – singlehandedly. It’s like Betsy has a sign on her back that reads “Go ahead, kick me again – but could you kindly do it before I get back up? – it will save me another trip down.”

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Recently, my daughter Rachel and I took a vacation to visit friends and family in the Eastern USA. As part of our holiday adventure, we spent a night in world-famous Niagara Falls, NY. This short visit was a high point of our vacation – except for one small disappointment – our accommodations at the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY. (Yes, it’s a real hotel.) If you would like a relaxing, restful, clean hotel room for an evening, might I propose an alternate place of lodging? But if unexpected surprises are what you look for in your vacation destination, then the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY may be just the thrill ride for you.

Below is a copy of my actual thank-you letter to the hotel after our recent stay. (Disclaimer: the photos below are not actual photos from the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY and were not included in the letter I sent. I include them here to give you a sense of the adventure we experienced. – tj) Read More…

… is something I know nothing about. Nevertheless, I can’t count the number of times each week people come up to me on the street, at the unemployment office or in the women’s locker room at my gym, and ask me about my blog. Why just last week, there must have been almost two people who approached me. Now that I think about it, he was holding a cardboard sign and seemed more interested in a cash donation to some cause. Read More…

One of President Obama’s campaign promises was to address the energy crisis. It’s one of his top priorities just after healthcare reform, job creation, education reform and improving his Baseball Opening Day Ceremonial Curve Ball (needs a lot of work).

I beamed with pride when I read that on one front, America is making amazing progress: Energy conservation. According to a recent survey by the widely respected and completely unheard of news publication The Daily Beast, the United States now ranks #1 in the entire world in personal energy conservation.  Okay, if you want to get technical, the Daily Beast actually called the USA the laziest nation on the planet. But I say it’s all in your perspective. Personally, I would offer my American countrymen a high five but I don’t want to strain my wrist. Turns out, according to this report, we Americans rank:

• Number one in per person daily caloric intake
• Number one in number of trips to fast food restaurants per year
• Number one in per person hours of daily television viewing and
• Dead last in the amount of time spent exercising per day, or as I prefer to think of it, first in personal energy conservation!

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 Last November and December, I experienced some shortened work weeks thanks to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Both holidays were preceded by shortened three-day work weeks, so I had to be extremely focused, making efficient use of every minute of every work day. I cut way back on the amount of time I would otherwise spend watching lame YouTube videos involving practical jokes where some unsuspecting dude gets kicked in the family jewels (I can never get enough of that highbrow humor). 

This time, with only three days to get everything done, I choose not to waste my time sending around the couple dozen recycled humor emails I usually pass along each day, making fun of people from the South or one of those lame parodies on the Twelve Days of Christmas. Nope, no point wasting my co-workers’ time this week. There’d be plenty of time to waste their time by sending these around next week instead. Let’s stay focused, Tim. 

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As most of you know by now, I’m considered a foremost international authority on all things love.  Perhaps it’s because I’m half-German. Or perhaps because I got an A- in French in high school – the language of love. I don’t actually have any formalized training in this arena (not that this has ever stopped me from giving advice about anything, mind you). And I still don’t understand position #27 in the Kama Sutra.

My love advice credentials stem from a series of devastating, star-crossed romances in my formative youth, all of which ended catastrophically and from which I am for the most part healed. And it has given me the ability to counsel thousands of lost, lovelorn, lonely hearts (how ‘bout that for alliteration) on how to successfully attract their one true soul mate. Fortunately, very few of you have actually followed any of my suggestions. Still that does not seem to stop people from seeking my advice on matters of the heart.  

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Saturday afternoons are my favorite time of the week. This afternoon was no exception. It’s the perfect time for me to write. Everyone is out of the house. No interruptions from daughters wanting me to be their personal taxi service or demands to “please tell my sister to stay out of my room.” Just a few precious hours of rare alone time, perfect to get in the mood to write my blog post. Just me and the cats, with no distractions.

This week’s blog was going to be an insightful commentary about the challenges of attention deficit disorder, which afflicts many people as they approach middle age (not that I have any issues around this). As I got ready to write, I looked down, and that’s when I noticed it: a large orange stain on the carpet by my desk. How long has that been there?

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It’s January – a new year and another chance to wipe the slate clean and press the RESET button on all those failed commitments from the previous year.  Every year, I revisit my New Year’s Resolutions from the previous year, not so much to analyze how many of them I kept, because of course I kept NONE of them. Rather, I look back to chronicle how many weeks it took before I had completely bailed out on my very last resolution.  Usually that date is around January 11^th. I remember 1995. That was a great year. I made it all the way through February before completely giving up on all my resolutions, goals and ambitions. (I might add, that was a leap year, so give me credit for an extra day!)  

I’ve noticed an unsettling trend regarding my New Year’s Resolutions over the years. Over time, the goals have, well, sort of hit a plateau… then slowly slipped off the edge of that plateau…. into the deep, dark, cavernous ravine of best intentions gone awry. Take a look:  

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Each week in this humor blog, I try to poke fun at some current event, a lame trend, or, when I can’t think of anything else, Glenn Beck. But I wanted to speak to you seriously this week, from the heart, about what I am for and what I am against. For too long I have straddled the fence on controversial issues in my life. When I was young, I could not decide whether I liked chocolate ice cream or vanilla better. Who to root for in football, Army or Navy? 

I continue to struggle to this day with taking a stand: Paper or plastic? 1% or fat free?  Warm or cold rinse cycle? Letterman or Leno? To this day I still have never registered Democrat or Republican. I have always been that person who can see everybody else’s point of view and does not want to take a stand for fear of offending anybody. (I hope that’s not offensive to say.) 

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Last week I wrote about one aspect of the real meaning of the holiday season – the important annual tradition of sending out hundreds of unsigned holiday greeting cards with photos of your kids to hundreds of people you don’t really care if you ever see again along with a four-page newsletter detailing how your past year was far superior to the recipient’s.

This week’s heartfelt post is about another integral part of a truly spiritually fulfilling holiday season: Holiday decorations. This is the fun part of the holidays – starting with your annual climb into the creepy dust-covered cave known as your attic, in search of those Christmas or (insert your preferred alternative holiday here __________________) ornaments.

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