A guest post by Chris Scott from DeadCaterpillar.com.
My friends may not know this about me but aside from being a humor blogger, I am also an inventor in my spare time. Today I would like to expose the designs for my two latest inventions and give the internet a peek into the future of technology.
U.S. Patent No. 39992042
People are always losing their phones. My previous phones have ended up in the oddest of places: the laundry wash, at the bottom of a dumpster, in a booth at some random off-highway diner. It seems phones are always going somewhere or on the go. I figure: why not invent a device that made it impossible for the phone to up and leave? A no-go-telephono.
The no-go-telephone would consist of two parts: a receiver and a mouthpiece. The mouthpiece would only be semi-portable and would connect directly to the receiver via a string, wire or chord of some sort. The purpose of the chord is to prevent the mouthpiece and receiver from separating.
Wait! I know what you’re thinking. So what if the chord keeps the mouthpiece attached to the receiver, what is to prevent the receiver from getting lost? The phone can still go.
Herein lies the true genius of my design.
The receiver connects directly into the wall and connects to lines outside which rest on the power lines. Got electricity in your house? You will be able to use the no-go-telephono.
I’m sure you’ve heard of cable television before. You might even have heard of cable internet before. Well, just think of what cable phone might be like. Ingenious!
U.S. Patent No. 29102901
Emails are sometimes more trouble than they are worth. You might spend hours pecking away at the keyboard, working on an email, only to have all of your work evaporate when the computer abruptly shuts down without even a second’s notice.
Sometimes emails that are not spam get marked as spam and never make it to their respective inbox destinations. Inversely, unwanted spam gets treated like real emails and populates inboxes. Then there is the prospect of being infected by one of those awful computer viruses we hear so much about. The whole system is a convoluted mess if you ask me. That is why I would like to suggest a new system: paper emails.
You know that white stuff that they make receipts and toilet paper with? People would write on that and send it in envelopes, as a means of communication. I’m pretty sure they sell blank sheets of that material at places like Office Max and Staples.
But how, you ask, will the paper emails get to their destinations if not through the magical workings of the information superhighway?
My first inclination was ponies. Men riding ponies will carry the envelopes (containing the writing on paper) to their respective destinations. Ponies are cheap because they use no gasoline.
Then, after thinking about it for awhile, I deemed the pony approach would be impractical. Though ponies are indeed cheap, communication is so vital and important that money should not be an object. That is why I believe the government should be in charge of delivering the paper emails.
The government would employ workers to drive around in large white trucks and would deliver the paper emails directly to your inbox. The paper email inbox is a physical box located somewhere on your front lawn.
Just imagine. It’s Saturday morning. You are pacing to the front of your yard where your inbox sits. You’ve got your favorite bathrobe on, coffee is in hand, and the sun is shining. You reach into your inbox and take out the paper emails. Wa-lah! No spam! No viruses! It’s bliss. Pure bliss.