WASHINGTON, DC – With Senate confirmation hearings on President Obama’s nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court set to begin, many of the nominee’s friends and supporters are speaking out in an attempt to dispel rumors that the never-married, 50-year-old U.S. Solicitor General is a lesbian.

“Not that it should even matter whether a nominee to the Supreme Court is gay,” commented a long-time associate of Kagan’s who requested anonymity, “but the fact that Elena has never married has nothing whatsoever to do with her sexual orientation. She’s simply a dedicated, career-oriented, and frighteningly grotesque professional woman who has just never been lucky enough to meet the right man, one who is willing to overlook her staggering physical repulsiveness and appreciate her for who she is beneath that unspeakably repugnant exterior which no measure of cosmetic application can adequately conceal.”

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“We know when we are beaten,” bin Laden concedes, citing unsurpassable destructive power of BP, AIG, GM and leading U.S. credit card companies.

Kandahar, Pakistan — Frustrated in their repeated attempts to strike a lethal blow against the United States before a major multinational corporation does so first, the leadership of Al Qaeda has announced that it will cease all terrorist activities against the U.S., pending an internal review of its competitive capabilities for destruction.

“As it currently stands, we simply do not have the resources necessary to achieve our goal of bringing death and suffering to America on a scale anywhere near that of our better-funded corporate competitors,” stated Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in a video message to the terrorist network’s supporters released today.

“Do you remember our plans to blow up an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico that we estimated would cause several thousands of gallons of oil to spill into the water for a few days before the Americans could stop it?” asked bin Laden with an audible sigh of dismay. “How much time and effort did we waste on that pitiful little scheme? Face it, people. We are amateurs.”

Bin Laden also announced a major shakeup in Al Qaeda’s top management, including the firing of its financial terrorism department head, Faizl Kalid Shirad, for “severe underperformance” in fulfilling the organization’s hopes to undermine the U.S. banking and investment sector.

With a rueful tip of the hat to the “brilliant and aggressive innovators” at American Insurance Group and leading investment firms such as Lehman Brothers and Goldman Sachs, bin Laden admitted that he and his management team had been “way behind the curve” in their strategy and planning.

“We were thinking of some computer virus or bot attack that would disrupt trading on Wall Street for maybe a week or so,” bin Laden said, shaking his head regretfully. “By the time our programmers finally finished writing all that damn code, the geniuses at AIG had already underwrtitten hundreds of billions of dollars in toxic debt that nearly destroyed the entire U.S. economy.”

“Really, we might as well just forget it,” he said exasperatedly. “Collateralized debt obligations? Credit debt swaps? Investment packages designed to fail? Did we even think of these things?  No. And what have our own ‘geniuses’ been doing?  They’ve spent the entire last two years trying to figure out how to weaponize the measles, for God’s sake! And now half of them are out sick with the damn thing. ”

Becoming visibly more irritated, bin Laden then pointed his finger and yelled, “And who was it on the team who came up with the brilliant idea to sabatoge Americans‘ car braking and accelerator systems? How many of those frigging Toyotas did we waste our time tampering with before we found out that we’d actually made them safer by disabling them?”

The Al Qaeda head then rambled on for several minutes, citing a litany of examples of  achievements by the terrorist organization’s “superiors” – from General Motors‘ and Chrysler Corporation’s near-destruction of the U.S. automotive industry to the crushing personal debt amassed by millions of Americans due in large part to unscrupulous credit card company promotions and practices.

“My brothers, we are just way out of our league,” he said. “What is an itty-bitty car bomb compared to the destructive power of Citibank?”

To those within Al Qaeda who had suggested that the organization should perhaps shift its focus from America to Europe, bin Laden laughed dismissively and said, “You’re the same people, are you not, who spent three years on that great plan to destroy the value of the Euro? Meanwhile, you kept all of our savings in Euros because you said they were so strong? Now, we can’t even afford to fly to Europe, you morons!”

Wiping sweat from his brow, bin Laden concluded his message by noting the record high temperatures in Pakistan this month and bemoaning whoever it was who thought up global warming.

-          As reported by Steve Fisher

[View from the Bleachers Message from the Editor: The post below was written by Fishful Thinking author Steve Fisher and contains several instances of profanity and coarse language.  While in general, the content of View from the Bleachers is intended to be G- or PG-rated, I sometimes am willing to make an exception where, as in this case, the nature of the topic requires the use of the profanity for humorous purposes. The piece below, after all, is about anger management.  Personally, I thought it was a f*cking brilliant piece, but if you are offended by some of the language, let me know and I am happy to give you Steve's phone number and email address so you can give him a f*$#&%-ing piece of your mind personally. - TEJ]

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As public outrage over the continuing oil drilling disaster in the Gulf of Mexico continues to boil over, concerned liberal commentators such as Democratic strategist James Carville and New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd have called on President Obama to abandon his normal “cool and calm” demeanor and express stronger emotions about the crisis, including anger toward British Petroleum.

In an attempt to reassess the White House approach, senior administration officials sought the advice of a professional anger management consultant who met with the President and his top aides, Senior Adviser David Axelrod, Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, and White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs. Following is an unofficial transcript of that meeting. For confidentiality reasons, the consultant is identified only as “Trainer.”

Trainer: Mr. President, gentlemen, are we all clear about why we are meeting today?

Pres. Obama: First, I’d just like to thank you all for being here. Even though there may be some disagreement among us with regard to how I’ve been responding to the Gulf crisis, I believe that we all share the same goals of finding the appropriate solution for addressing…

Trainer: Zzzzzzzzzzz. Huh? What? Oh, hey, I’m sorry. Was someone speaking? All I heard was a monotonous buzzing sound which made me nod off.

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It‘s June, and the summer school vacation season is almost upon us. By now, most summer camps are already fully booked. So, for those parents who haven’t yet reserved a summer camp stay for their children and who are open to something different than the traditional Camp Minnie-Ha-Ha, here’s a selection of brand new theme camps which have only just come on the scene.

Camp Bernie-Ha-Ha

A spin-off of the ever-popular “Camp Ponzi,” this exciting new recreational opportunity for the entire family seems almost too good to be true. While the camp itself has yet to be actually completed – and, in fact, construction work has not even officially begun – the camp’s administration is already accepting applications for lifetime family memberships!

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1. The Leaping Dragon

Each of the lovers assumes a kneeling position, the male behind the female, his legs between hers.  While entering the female, the male gently strokes her, first downward from the nape of her neck to the small of her back, then up again along her sides, reaching under her to brush her breasts with the tips of his fingers.  Upon hearing a violent coughing sound from the children’s bedroom, the male exits the female and leaps from the bed in a futile attempt to reach the child in question before his/her coughing causes him/her to throw up.  The female puts on her bathrobe and proceeds to rinse out the child’s vomit-drenched pajamas, stuffed animals and bedding in the bathtub, while the still-naked male washes and calms the child.  After redressing the child in clean pajamas and putting clean sheets, blankets and pillowcases on the child’s bed, the lovers put the child back to sleep, return to their bedroom, agree to “forget it for tonight” and collapse exhausted into bed.

2. The Dancing Butterfly

The lovers stand, facing each other, and the female raises one leg, resting her thigh on the hip of the male.  The male supports the female’s raised leg with one hand and tenderly caresses her face with the other.  The female clasps her hands around the male’s neck and relaxes, arching her back to allow the male to lavish kisses upon her chest.  To steady himself, the male adjusts his footing slightly and steps on a sharp plastic windshield from a Lego® “Bionicle” assembly set.  The male howls in pain and loses his balance, sending the lovers toppling into the living room’s display cabinet.  Awakened by the initial boom and subsequent shattering of the family’s heirloom china, the children emerge from their room and learn valuable lessons in both adult human anatomy and the importance of picking up your toys.

3. The…Whatever

Informed by a call from the female that the children have just begun their afternoon naps, the male lies to his manager about having a business appointment and rushes home.  The lovers tear off each others’ clothes and attempt to simply achieve coitus as quickly as possible without regard to foreplay or technique.  As they both near climax, they are startled by the sound of the doorbell and a familiar voice calling, “Yoo-hoo!  Anybody home?”  It is Grandma, “just stopping by to say hello to my little darlings.”   The lovers consider the potential benefits of relocating to another city.

4. The Colorful Rectangle

The lovers position themselves side-by-side on the living room sofa, elevate their legs slightly by resting their feet on the coffee table, and watch a rented video, preferably one with no romantic or sexual content.  When the children periodically enter the living room, rubbing sleep from their eyes and asking for a hug or a drink of water, the male pauses the video and says to the female, “Don’t worry, baby.  It’ll all be different in a few years.”

- Steve Fisher

Friday, May 21st

12:00 p.m.

Alumni Luncheon

Join us in the cafeteria for a gastronomical stroll down memory lane. School dietician Dorothy Gluck will be preparing her legendary “mystery meat” accompanied with traditional instant mashed potatoes (heavy on the water, of course) and undercooked corn, all drowned in a thick, lumpy gravy of uncertain origin. And don’t miss the day’s special dessert: last week’s leftover pineapple crumb cake. So, grab a sticky plastic tray, some slightly encrusted aluminum eating utensils, and let the good times roll again!  $18.50 price is all-inclusive (incl. 8 oz. carton of lukewarm white or chocolate milk). Members of the 60th reunion class receive a free bib with the school insignia!

1:30 p.m.

Gala Parade

Celebrate our school’s proud heritage in this triumphant 30-minute march in repeated circles around the football field. Alumni should assemble on the field by class year, with the oldest alumni leading the procession, hopefully all the way to its conclusion this time. To avoid their being trampled on as in years past, the free beer tent will not open until after the parade’s completion.

3:00 p.m.

School Tour

If you haven’t been back to see our old alma mater lately, this is your chance to see some of the terrific improvements which (Thanks to your generous donations!!!) have been made to meet the challenges of 21st-century education. Led by Principal Benjamin Goosey, the tour starts at the school’s entrance, where you’ll be frisked for weapons by our new crack team of professional security guards. Be sure to empty your pockets before passing through our shiny, state-of-the-art metal detectors!

4:00 p.m.

Meet the Class of 2010

This assembly in the school auditorium is an opportunity for all of us to get to know the newest members of our alumni family, some of the best and brightest students our school has ever produced. 2010 valedictorian Chad Gilmore will deliver an address: “Questioning the Choices of Our Fathers: Why Can’t We Borrow the Lexus?”  Science Club president Jeffery Wheatling, recently paroled creator of the devastating Gotcha! computer virus, will demonstrate his on-line identity theft project which won the blue ribbon at this year’s Science Fair. Baseball captain Doug LeGrange will talk about our team’s All-State Championship victory last season (but will defer answering questions with regard to his alleged anabolic steroid use). And, in a display of argumentative prowess, members of the 2010 Debating Team will face off on the timely issue: “Xbox or Play Station?”

6:00 p.m.

Cocktail Hour

Drink a toast to bygone days with your former classmates and other fellow alumni during this nostalgic gathering, the only event that anyone ever usually shows up for on Friday, since most of us, except the old farts from the Class of ’62 and before, still have jobs, duh!

Saturday, May 22nd

3:00 p.m.

Alumni Football Game

Bring the kids and join in the fun when alumni and their families team up against members of the school’s faculty (those not currently on suspension in the Ecstasy distribution network scandal) for a rousing game of fierce athletic competition not covered by the school’s already astronomically expensive liability insurance policy.

5:30 p.m.

Reunion photos

With already one day behind you to wipe the look of shock/embarrassment off your face at the current physical appearance of your former classmates/self, put on your best smile and capture forever the treasured memories of this year’s alumni get-together. (Note: complimentary Botox injections for donors of $1,000 or more to the Alumni Fund.)

6:30 p.m.

Clambake Dinner and Disco

Despite the repeated petty complaining by Marvin “Stinky” Steinler (’78) at past reunion dinners that Mrs. Paul’s Frozen Fried Clams don’t constitute a “clam bake”, come and sample the savory pleasures of the sea, followed by a night of “disco fever” in the school gym. Alumni’s current and former husbands, wives, registered legal partners, boy/girlfriends, lovers, mistresses, personal trainers, spiritual advisers, and Internet chat room acquaintances are welcome.

Hope to see you there!

- Steve Fisher

Most unsurprising headline (The Independent) : “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES”

Most unsurprising survey results (USA Today): “Poll: Americans have mixed views on immigration”

Behind Every Cloud … (CNBC.com): “New Winners and Losers in Gulf Oil Spill”

How thoughtful! (Washington Times): “SENATE PRESSES VETS SUITS”

Origins of the NFL (Time.com): “DNA shows humans, Neanderthals mated”

Enough on this subject already! (CNN.com): “First Lady’s First Tweet”

Most ironic commentary (Paul Krugman, NY Times): President Obama’s recent support for more offshore drilling “makes it hard for him to claim the moral high ground.” [Claiming Gulf Coast high ground probably not a bad idea, however.]

Annals of Bicameral Legislation Dept.: The House voted Tuesday to rename the Department of the Navy and call it the Department of the Navy and Marine Corps. The House has approved similar bills for the past eight years, but it’s never made it through the Senate. [Maybe if they changed their own name to the Department of the House and Senate?]

Our cultural ambassadors: When asked during a New Zealand TV interview if he knew what his last name means in German, 16-year-old tween heartthrob Justin Bieber responded that he could not understand the question because he didn’t know what the word “German” meant. “We don’t say that in America,” he explained.

Why we’re sleeping better at night: The United States revealed that it has 5,113 nuclear warheads in its stockpile, a reduction of 84 percent since its peak of 31,255 warheads in 1967.

26^th most searched word on NYTimes.com: “chinglish”

- Steve Fisher

All my life I was never interested in politics. I never voted. I never registered to vote. I could never figure out what they were talking about when they said on TV every November that people were “going to the poles.” What poles? Some poles stuck in the ground somewhere? Or maybe the North and South Poles? But why would anybody go there when it’s already freezing here in Idaho at that time of year? I asked some of my Polish friends if people were coming to see them for some reason, but they looked at me like I was nuts. Well, they’re sort of famous for not being very bright.

Anyway, I really didn’t give two whits about the government. I figured it was none of my damned business. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, as my Daddy always used to say. Couldn’t see a reason to clutter up my head with things I didn’t need to know, like who the President of the United States was (though I do remember that Reagan fella had a nice way about him) or exactly what that Supreme Court is for (supreme basketball?).

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Transcript of Senate Commerce Committee Hearing

Testimony of Bart Silverman, General Manger, Goldman Sachs Toyota

Senator Warner: This hearing will now come to order. Everyone please be seated. At this time, I would like to call our next witness before this committee, Mr. Bart Silverman. Are you present, sir?

B. Silverman: Yes, Senator, I am.

Senator Warner: I can’t see you very well, Mr. Silverman. Who are all those men sitting around you?

B.S.:  Well, the four gentlemen to my immediate left and right are my attorneys. And the six men sitting in front of and behind me are members of my personal security detail.

Senator Warner: Hmmm, allright, very well. Mr. Silverman, you are the manager of a dealership which sells cars manufactured by the Toyota automotive company, is that correct?

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There’s something’s that been bothering me lately.

Did you ever notice how Skype stays open even if you close the Skype window? So, if you call someone on Skype and they don’t answer, it’s not enough just to close the Skype window. Instead, you have to click “End Call.” If you just close the Skype window by clicking on the little “x” box in the upper corner, Skype disappears from your screen, but you still hear the “BEEEEEE…. BEEEEEE” ring of the call you wanted to hang up on.

Why is that?

Normally, if I click on the close button in any document or window, I expect whatever it is to just go away. When I click that little “x”, it’s over. You’re done. Finito. I don’t expect to have to deal with some annoying audio residue because I didn’t say goodbye satisfactorily.

Now, I know that the Skype program has to stay running in order to receive incoming calls, but isn’t it clear that, if I clicked on the close button, it’s most probably because I didn’t want whatever was happening at the time when I clicked it?

Perhaps the people at Skype are simply afraid that I and others like me are complete idiots, who might otherwise accidentally disconnect their calls by clicking the close button when all they really want to do is hide the Skype window.

“Oh, was I suppose to hit the minimize button?” they can hear us saying in that classic dumb guy voice. “Is that the one with the little line on the bottom? Gee, I thought that was how you underlined stuff.”

Well, okay, I’m not Steve Jobs – hmm, actually, as of this week, neither is Steve Jobs – but I do think I know the difference between the “minimize” and what I consider to be the “Get outta here!” button.

It seems that the people who design computer software generally take us for imbeciles. Their programs are always asking us questions like “Are you sure you want to delete that?” and “Do you want to close this document without saving changes?”

Using a computer is like driving a car with your father in the passenger seat. It’s always stepping on the imaginary brake pedal.

“It looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like some help?”

Uh, no, thanks, Dad. I think I can manage to write a letter by myself.

Meanwhile, on those occasions when we really could use an extra pair of eyes, the computer is more than happy to sit idly by and allow our every boneheaded action. For example, it never asks:

“Are you sure you want to send this e-mail?”

“Your e-mail mentions an ‘attachment’. Did you perhaps want to attach something to it?”

“Do you really want to reply to every recipient of the sender’s e-mail?”

“This e-mail appears to be to your boss. Have you proofread it?”

I think it would be preferable if computers started questioning our choices a little earlier, like, for example,  when we’re first considering buying them.

“Do you really want to purchase this device that is likely to cause you no end of frustration?”

Now, that would be helpful.

– Steve Fisher