Friends have been asking me why I haven’t written anything lately in this column.

I’ve offered them a number of explanations and excuses: too busy with work (only partially true), fundamentally lazy (entirely true), preoccupied with finally being able to watch all six seasons of The Sopranos and virtually any film I want to see (last night Blue Valentine) thanks to the wonders of free online video streaming websites, tired of typing with the stub of my amputated right index finger (see earlier post on weaknesses of dictation software), more worried (and pissed off) than amused by what’s happening in America these days, and, finally, just not having had a clever idea for something to write.

So, mea culpas aside, in an attempt to make up for my recent reticence, here are some of the things I have not written in Fishful Thinking recently.

A Solution for the National Debt?

America’s national debt now stands at a staggering 14.3 trillion dollars. Interest on the debt accounts for a major portion of the annual federal budget, the deficit spending of which further adds to the debt total and threatens continued funding of vital educational, civic and social welfare programs.

How can our nation possibly pay off its existing massive debt and eliminate the destructive cycle of deficit spending it engenders?

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As soon as Larry McGuire entered the Maverick Bar and Grill that Monday afternoon, slamming the door behind him on his way in, one look at his sneering face was enough for his friends Pete Edwards and Nelson Pell to realize that they were in for another of Larry’s now familiar tirades about how “lousy” life had become ever since the aliens had arrived.

“Hey there, Larry!” yelled Eddie, the Maverick’s affable and corpulent bartender, raising a hand in greeting to his old customer.

Larry returned the barman’s wave with a dismissive slash of his hand and a grunt as he headed for the table in the far corner where Pete and Nelson were already seated, waiting for him. It was the three men’s regular table at the Maverick and had been so for nearly twenty years, ever since their high school days together.

The bar itself hadn’t changed much in all that time. In fact, it still looked more or less as it had when it first opened — with the same classic mahogany bar and a dozen or so dark oak tables — though the pool table had been replaced by one of the aliens’ weightlessness simulators, and a “question mirror”, a holographic fortune telling device, now stood against the wall where the dart board had once been mounted.

These modern technological attractions had recently been installed by the Maverick’s owner to help bring in the “younger crowd”. As for the bar’s regulars — including Larry, Pete and Nelson — the owner had tried to leave the place as much in tact as possible, for sentiment’s sake. Still, there were continued requests from the college-age patrons to get rid of the bar’s outmoded Internet PC terminal and replace it with one of the aliens’ telepathic GalaxyLink modules.

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U.S. Marine Corps

The Few. The Proud. The Fabulous!

and

We’re Looking for a Few Good Men. (no change necessary)

U.S. Army

Be All You Can Be…in Green or Tan. Okay, Admittedly Not Our Best Colors, But, Hey, You Can’t Change All the Traditions at Once.

U.S. Navy

It’s Not Just a Blow Job. It’s an Adventure.

U.S. Air Force

Aim High. No, Just a Little Lower. Ahh, Perfect!

U.S. Coast Guard

Be Part of the Action. (no change necessary)

-    Steve Fisher

Hark the herald angels sing:
“It’s the end of Larry King!”
How we’ll miss that wise old owl.
And his nightly New York growl.
Did or did not O.J. slay her?
We’ll ask our good friend Bill Maher.
Then kiss Brando on the face.
Better him than Nancy Grace.
No more shall Larry declare:
“Bangor, Maine, you’re on the air!”
Hark the herald angels sing:
“Piers Morgan is our new King!”

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Took a great shit this morning. You know that kind that seems to go on forever, like you’re letting go of everything that’s been bottled up inside you for days? (See photo)

Am I the only one who’s glad that Leslie Nielsen’s dead? His last few movies really sucked! Somebody needed to put that old dude down.

Watched a great three-way today on www.pornhub.com.

Upped my Zoloft dose to 60mg daily. Obama’s compromise with the Republicans starting to make more sense to me.

Keep trying to figure out what my navel lint tastes like. Vanilla? Deviled ham?

Am I being lazy when I ask my one of children to light my bong for me? I think chores are important for developing a kid’s sense of responsibility.

Stephen Fisher is now friends with Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck.

Today marks 30 years since John Lennon stopped having to listen to Yoko Ono’s monotonous high-pitched shrieking. Imagine!

Read today that at least 4 percent of adults suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

Stephen Fisher likes Direct Lines of Sight Within Firing Range of Presumptive House Speaker John Boehner’s Office Window.

Kids don’t like to think about their parents having sex with each other. What they don’t realize is that their parents don’t like to think about it either.

Read today that at least 4 percent of adults suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

- Steve Fisher

The recent arrest of a Steubenville, Ohio, woman for failing to apply sunscreen on her children’s skin during a day at the local county fair, for which she now faces a possible 15-year prison sentence, appears to have helped spur a nationwide crackdown by law enforcement officials on other previously ignored cases of child neglect and endangerment.

Yesterday, following weeks of covert surveillance, police in West Palm Beach, Florida, forcibly entered the home of Edward and Melissa Chase, where they discovered the couple’s two children, an eleven-year-old boy and a seven-year-old girl, both of whom were, in the words of one the officers who took part in the raid, “sitting very close to the television.”

“We’re talking two to three feet from the screen, max,” said Sgt. Denny Dale of the Broward County Sherrif’s Department, whose voice choked and trailed off as he recalled details of the grim scene.  “These kids were completely unsupervised,” he continued.  “We found the mother folding clothes down in the laundry room.  Sick as it is to imagine, she was happily humming some song at the time, totally oblivious to what was going on upstairs.  The father was outside, apparently more concerned about fixing a broken gutter pipe on the back of the house than about his children’s possible exposure to harmful gamma radiation…or whatever TV gives off.  I’m not a technical expert.”

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President Obama is regularly accused by right-wing critics of being a “socialist.” The recent U.S. health care reform legislation and government rescues of the banking and automotive sectors have all been decried as examples of a “hidden socialist agenda.”

Today, thankfully, it is possible for a person to be elected to high political office in the United States regardless of race, gender, religion, and even sexual orientation. But one creed which no leading American politician would dare to publicly espouse (except Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont) is that of being a “socialist.”

Chances are, if you’re an American, and even if you’re not seeking political office, you would never think of describing yourself as a “socialist” or believing in “socialism.”

But, I have news for you.

If you believe that Social Security is necessary to insure millions of senior citizens, children of deceased parents, and victims of debilitating illnesses and accidents against a life of abject poverty…YOU ARE A SOCIALIST.

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I think we can all agree that none of us is perfect. Who among us, after all, didn’t do or say something when we were young that we now would do or say differently, or, as in my case, wouldn’t have said at all – and certainly not on camera – if we had known that someday we were going to run for political office and that it would be viewed more than a million times on something called YouTube?

Right? Like, who could have possibly known that, except for maybe that Zuckerberg kid who invented it?

Anyway, with this important election now only a few weeks away, I would like to take this opportunity to address some of the statements which have been attributed to me by the media in order to set the record straight on what I actually said, what I meant by it at the time, and how I might say it differently now that I’m not as heavily medicated as I was during my years in what my campaign manager recommends referring to as “the facility.”

Let’s take them one by one, shall we?

Quote #1: “The so-called ‘law of gravity’ is a myth.”

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m not a lawyer, or at least not one of those fancy liberal east coast ivy league educated lawyers with all their high-fallutin’ bar exam accreditations and such. I do have a law degree, though, one that I earned through the sweat of my brow after hours and hours spent searching through websites that sell them.

So, when I see a law that doesn’t make sense to me, I don’t give a hoot about precedents or voir dire or any of that other Latin rigamarole. I call ’em as I see ’em, and that includes specious theories by crackpots who lived hundreds of years ago like Galileo (who, as some of you folks might not know, was actually tried and found guilty of a crime by the Church) or Sir Fig Newton, who came up with his damn notion after being conked on the head by an apple, which alone ought to tell you something.

Case closed. Let’s move on.

Quote #2: “I learned about the problems in our schools first hand when I was dealing crystal meth.”

Whoa! How did the press ever manage to dig up that old chestnut? Talk about your youthful indiscretions! How old was I when I said that? It must have been somewhere between my late teens and early 40’s. Well, that’s water over the bridge, or under the dam, or whatever it is they say.

Sure, I’ve committed a felony or two. But who hasn’t? Arson, kidnapping, counterfeiting, extortion. Okay, okay. Mea culpa! Excuse me. Do we really need to keep dragging this campaign down into the gutter of personal invective and character assassination? Let’s talk about the issues that I think are of most concerns to the voters. Like banning police wiretapping of Internet telephone calls, or shortening the statute of limitation on mail fraud, or prohibiting DNA testing in the case of an alleged molestation that happened when the suspect was just getting over a really painful relationship.

Enough said. At least without my attorney present. Next.

Quote #3: “My opponent is a lying, two-faced sack of shit.”

Hey! What did I just say about raising the level of debate in this campaign? And, again, how old is that quote? I don’t even remember saying anything like that. Oh, really? Yesterday? Hmmm.

Okay, but wait a minute! What was the context? That’s what you guys in the media always do, you know. You just lift out a few words that somebody says and then play them over and over as if that was the whole story.

It was the same thing last week when I said, “With all due respect, and though I don’t have any concrete evidence to prove it, I’ve heard that my opponent had sex with a labrador retriever.” All the networks played were the last seven words! Why? Just because, on the advice of my media strategist, I paused for a few seconds before the words “my opponent”?

Honestly. How am I supposed to control what you people do?

Quote #4: “Somebody ought to kill whichever son of a bitch it was who greenlighted ‘Sex and the City 2’ .”

Well, sorry for my language, but I’m standing by that one.

Quote #5: “Our thoughts are being controlled by aliens who are planning to take over Earth and use humans as breeding hosts for their spawn.”

Yeah and what? You disagree? You have some proof, perhaps, that what I’ve said is untrue?  No, I thought not. All you have is speculation. What proof do I have, you ask? Oh, I’m sure you’d like to see it. I mean, I’m sure your masters would like to know where that evidence of their nefarious plans is hidden!

But, hey, my point really is that, unlike you, I’m open to debate on this subject. I think that’s what the voters want to see this election season. Not just programmed politicians sticking to their talking points, but an honest exchange of ideas and opinions about the pressing issues of our day. Because, in the end, regardless of what happens in the future, we’re still going to have to address the same concerns about the economy, education, health care and the environment. Especially the last two, that is if we want to remain attractive hosts for the aliens’ spawn and thereby escape total annihalation.

Thank you. That’s all. No questions, please. I’ve taken enough of your valuable time as it is.

– Steve Fisher

The phenomenal success of Viagra as a treatment for erectile dysfunction has spurred a race among pharmaceutical companies to develop new drugs for a wide range of other male disorders. This week we take a look at some of the latest revolutionary breakthroughs in chemical treatments for men.

Cryagra

Whether you‘re the conservative host of a television program seeking to connect with your viewers as a “real person“ or the President of a large western nation trying to dispel your image as a “cool technocrat“, there’s nothing like a few tears at just the right moment to show the world what a sensitive soul you really are.

But if you’re like most men, you’ve learned to suppress your emotions and thus lack the ability to get choked up on cue.The simple truth is that we can’t all be like Glenn Beck or Bill Clinton, no matter how hard we bite our lower lip in feigned sadness.

But, now, thanks to Cryagra®, even the most cold-hearted bastard can now reap the benefits of faux-sorrow with a single 50mg tablet. Cryagra is the ideal solution for all important occasions when you can’t manage to summon up a single tear no matter how hard you try – from funerals of in-laws to the day your middle-aged children finally move out of your house.

Married men may have the most to gain from the wonders of Cryagra. Have you ever noticed that you can argue with your wife until you’re blue in the face, but if you suddenly start to cry she’ll become speechless and immediately try to console you? Or what about that promised anniversary dinner in a fancy restaurant that you forgot to make reservations for? As you try to make amends to her over salisbury steak at Denny’s, the words “I’m such an idiot and I don’t deserve you“ might otherwise ring a bit hollow. But when barely stammered out between breathless sobs, those same lame sentiments will be music to her unsuspecting ears.

Of course, Cryagra is a boon for single men as well, whether they’re trying to seduce a woman by taking her to see a heartbreaking romantic movie (sharing her tissues) or break up with her without looking like a total jerk (another tissue, please).

Warning: Possible side effects may include stuffy nose, reddish complexion, and crying at inappropriate moments (e.g., business lunches, cabinet meetings, military operations, lapdances, etc.). If uncontrollable blubbering persists for more than six hours, consult a physician or stand-up comic.

Lieagra

As they say, honesty is the best policy – except, of course, when it’s the stupidest thing you could possibly do. Some men have a natural gift for deceipt: pedophiles, serial killers, and TV shopping channel hosts, to name a few. But if speaking with a forked tongue often leaves you needing a napkin to wipe up the verbal mess you’ve made all over yourself, then help is now at hand.

A daily dose of Lieagra® is all the truth-impaired man needs to survive those all-too-common situations which require a swift and tactful response to a tricky or dangerous question, e.g.:

-       “Do you still love me?“

-       “Does my ass look big in these pants?“

-       “Where were you last night?“

-       “You have a missed call on your phone. Who is Debbie?“

The effect of Lieagra in these situations is striking. For example, a typical unmedicated man (unable by nature to enunciate the words “I love you“) is all too likely to answer the first question with an embarrassing pause followed by a weak “Of course, I do.“ And, in response to the second question, a stumbling “Uh…no, not really“ can easily lead to hurt feelings and, in extreme cases, even death by coathanger.

But the Lieagra user won’t even have to think before he finds answers like these automatically spouting from his mouth:

-       “Baby, I love you so much that it hurts!“

-       “No way! Your ass looks fantastic!“

-       “I was secretly shopping for your birthday.“

-       “Damn! You weren’t supposed to see that call. Debbie is the florist I ordered your roses from.“

Warning: While effective in cases requiring empathetic prevarication, taking Lieagra in combination with Cryagra may result in election to high political office.

Buyagra

It’s a fact. Most men hate to shop. Given the choice, they’d rather be waterboarded than enter Bed, Bath and Beyond during a White Sale. And they’d just as soon keep wearing underwear that looks like Swiss cheese if it means not having to shop for a new pair of briefs. It‘s not just about the money. Even billionaire New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has bought only two pairs of shoes in the last ten years.

But women are understandably fed up with having to do all the shopping for the whole family only to hear “Why did you buy that?“ or “I don’t like that color!“ when they bring an item home for their spouse. And they’re also becoming a bit tired of their annual Christmas gift from their husband: a plain white business envelope with cash from their joint savings account.

No need, then, ladies, to explain the value of Buyagra® in transforming your Dog the Bounty Hunter into Dog the Bargain Hunter. You’ll smile with pleasure as he wakes you in the morning and whispers into your ear the enticing words “Let’s go to the mall!“ Your skin will tingle with excitement as he gently strokes the soft fibers of that 100% lamb’s wool sweater you’ve tried on in Lord & Taylor and tells you how fabulous it looks on you. You’ll swoon in ecstasy as he swipes his stiff credit card through register after register, again and again, until you beg for mercy…but all he hears is “Macy’s!“

Finally he’ll understand that a new pair of shoes isn’t just an expense but also a reason to live!

Warning: Prolonged use of Byuyagra may result in oxfords, wing-tips, penny loafers, blüchers, monk-straps, cap-toes, moccasins, docksiders, boots, sneakers, clogs, cleats, golf shoes, bowling shoes, hiking shoes, climbing shoes, sandals and/or slippers.

Next week: New pharmaceuticals for teens, including Proseac®, the miracle drug for the millions of youngsters who are unable to write more than a 140-character Twitter or text message.

– Steve Fisher

SPOILER ALERT! Warning: This post contains details from the season finale of “Earth.”

Dear Fellow “Earth” Fans,

Whoa! I’m still reeling from last night’s jaw-dropping season finale! I don’t know about you, but I sure didn’t see that shocking twist coming at the episode’s conclusion. Who’d have thought that the Ayatollah was really a woman who had been in disguise for all those years?!!!  Didn’t you just love the expression on the Imam’s face when the Ayatollah ripped off her fake beard and told him that she loved him?

Yeah, okay, maybe it stretches the imagination a bit if you really think about it.  Like, how did she manage to get tampons, and didn’t anyone ever notice that her beard never needed a trim?

But, hey, who cares?  The main thing is that at last we finally know why the Ayatollah was such a great “guy” and why he (she) enacted all those new laws favoring women.  It also explained why s/he signed that peace agreement with Israel.  Turns out it wasn’t just because the Israelis had made peace with the Palestinians last season.  It was really because Lev, the Israeli Prime Minister, knew her cross-dressing secret all along, since he and she had been lovers when they were teenage exchange students. OMG!

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