WASHINGTON – Following the uncovering of what investigators termed “the largest Ponzi scheme ever perpetrated,“ the government of the United States of America was arrested and charged with over 130 counts of criminal fraud.

In a nationwide late-night sweep by local law enforcement, all 100 members of the U.S. Senate, 435 congressmen, and more than two million employees of the Federal goverment’s Executive branch were rounded up and taken in handcuffs to makeshift temporary detention facilities, where they now await arraignment on charges ranging from mail fraud to bank fraud to governing with the intent to commit fraud.

The arrests followed a 45-year-long investigation which revealed that the nation’s affluent lifestyle of lavish military spending and popular social “entitlement“ programs, as orchestrated by its government, was in fact based entirely on a sophisticated pyramid scheme involving a complicated system of insufficiently leveraged debt obligations.

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WASHINGTON — Republicans uniformly criticized as “inappropriate” President Obama’s selection of yogurt and granola for his breakfast this morning.

At a press conference on the steps of the Capitol, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) strongly condemned the President’s choice for his first meal of the day, terming it “the wrong direction for America.”

“President Obama campaigned on a promise of change,” stated McConnell. “Yet he continues to eat virtually the same yogurt and granola breakfast every morning, totally ignoring the will of the American people who would overwhelmingly prefer a triple stack of pancakes and sausages.”

Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia.), the House GOP whip, echoed McConnell’s statement with regard to sausages and accused the President of “caving in to radical Islam” by failing to include any pork in his breakfast menu. “Our Founders built this great nation on a steady diet of ham and eggs, bacon and eggs, and in the case of my home state’s Thomas Jefferson, pig’s brains and eggs,” Cantor exclaimed as he pounded the podium with a giant pork shank, adding, “We will never give in to the terrorists and their hatred of our breakfast freedoms.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) derided what he laughingly termed the President’s “Euro-breakfast.”

“Maybe the French are satisfied with their socialized yogurt for their le petit déjeuner,” said Bohner, adding, “Not that I even know what that means in English…and don’t put an accent mark on it when you quote me ‘cause I wouldn’t know if it has one.”

“It does, and it means ‘breakfast’,” noted Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal.

“Jesus, shut the hell up, Bobby,” said Bohner. “Anyway, the majority of Americans don’t want to have some bacterial fermentation of milk with that foreign-sounding granola shoved down their throats.”

White House Press Spokesperson Robert Gibbs dismissed the Republicans’ criticism of the President as “bizarre” and noted that the name “granola” was actually trademarked in the United States in the late nineteenth century. “In choosing his breakfast, the President is simply setting an example for all Americans by maintaining a healthy diet that is both light in calories and low in cholesterol,” said Gibbs.

Later in the day, during a speaking appearance before the National Pork Producers Association, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin blasted Gibbs’ statement, saying, “Well, gosh, I guess now that we have Obamacare, us Grizzly Moms aren’t going to be able to feed our little cubs those tasty strips of smoky bacon that they love. Instead they’re gonna have to eat government-mandated yoga.”

The White House refused to respond directly to Palin’s attack. Reached by phone, Gibbs said, “Despite what some members of the media might prefer, the president of the United States is not going to decide what to eat based on the 24-hour news cycle.”

“Besides,” Gibbs added, “the President did express his unity with and support for the stricken Gulf Coast state of Florida by having a glass of orange juice with his breakfast.”

At press time, details regarding the President’s plans for dinner this evening were unavailable.

– Steve Fisher

NEW YORK – A new city ordinance now requires all restaurants situated within a four-block radius of the former World Trade Center to serve only Hallowed Ground Roast Coffee® in their establishments. The specially-produced coffee brand was created to honor the victims of the September 11th terrorist attacks.

According to its producer, the Maxwell House division of Kraft Foods, the commemorative coffee is an “all-American style” blend of Columbian and Honduran coffee beans flavored with chicory and “contains absolutely no cardamom, saffron or other Arabic spices.”

The sole exception to the new ordinance is the food court in the planned Park51 Islamic cultural center located near ground zero, which the city ordered to serve only Chock Full o’ Nuts.

Speaking at a convention of the National Automatic Weapons Manufacturers Association, former Alaskan governor and Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin praised the new ordinance, saying, “The site of the 9/11 attacks is indeed hollowed ground, and it will always be, well, at least until they fill it up with something.“

In related news, President Obama said today that he would not comment on the wisdom of his comment in which he refused to comment on the wisdom of building an Islamic cultural center and mosque near the ground zero site. “When I said what I said about having said what I said and about what I would not say, I was not saying that what I said was what necessarily what I should or should not have said,” the President said.

– Steve Fisher

The White House announced the availability of $25 million to retrain former automotive workers. These grants help those workers who have been displaced learn new skills in high growth and emerging industries and get support in finding where these new jobs are.

– Press release, www.whitehouse.gov

Are you naturally artistic? Can you spell? If so, then an exciting career may be awaiting you in the rapidly growing field of window sign painting. The demand from factories and other businesses has never been greater for a wide array of displayed messages raging from “NO JOBS” to “NOT CURRENTLY HIRING”. And, as the economy continues to spiral downward, industry analysts are forecasting a spike in demand in the retail and warehouse sectors for such signage as “SHOPLIFTERS WILL BE PROSECUTED” and “TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT”.

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PRAGUE, CZECH REP. – A Prague-based American writer who recently began using dictation software as a word processing tool following the amputation of his left hand and right fingers has expressed “major dissatisfaction” with the software’s performance.

In a brief e-mail exchange with this column, the 54-year old amputee, Steve Fisher, explained the reasons for his disappointment with the innovative new technology.

FISHFUL THINKING (FT): How long have you been using your new dictation software?

STEVE FISHER (SF): I actually received it as a gift from a friend shortly after I got out of the hospital last audit no auto no auburn no damn it Auden wait forget it I’ll just type it with my nose autumn. There.

FT: And why have you been disappointed with it?

SF: Well comma no no backspace no delete that no select all delete shit okay just forget about punctuation Marx no delete that oh forget it

FT: Is it the speed or the accuracy of the software that has been most troublesome for you?

SF: The speed is fine. Wow look it actually typed a period instead of the word period period no period no. Thank you.  It seems to be learning. Anyway comma shit never mind it’s even faster than typing used to be for me. It’s definitely accuracy that’s the biggest challenge.

FT: Can you give us an example?

SF: Well led me dry two thing four a mint.

FT: That’s okay. I think we get the idea. Thank you for your time. Sorry to trouble you.

SF: Hay know trouble atoll period

Rapid growth in consumer demand and disposable income in China. Find country that can make stuff cheaper than Chinese and export to them!

Name for discount chain re above idea: Great Wal-Mart of China

Re above: Too late. Already 15,000 Google search results for that name.

Invent boat that runs on skimmed oil.

Baby boomers aging + cheap foreclosed real estate = Develop cemeteries.

Massive unemployment in U.S. means huge new daytime television audience. Invest in entertainment companies producing talk shows, game shows and soap operas.

Perfect time to cut employees’ wages and benefits. Who’s going to quit their job in this economy?

Global warming. Threat…or opportunity?

Collateralized credit debt obligation swaps!

Use new.xxx internet porn domain to launch Madame Tussauds online sex museum: www.aaa.xxx

New internet porn domain for obese Americans: .XXXL

Twitter porn app: Twatter

Re above: Damn. 130,000 Google search results for “Twatter”

Movie pitch: Vampires team up with werewolves to fight alien zombies. DiCaprio?

Advice to Steve Jobs on iPhone antenna problems: Avoid designing it that way.

Psychic octopus. Magic 8-Ball. Coincidence?

-          Steve Fisher

NEW YORK , NY – Disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer, who is slated to be the host of a new nightly program on CNN, said he is looking forward to the opportunity if for no other reason than to finally escape having “disgraced former governor” as the standard reference used by the media to describe him.

“It will certainly be nice to be referred to as ‘CNN host Eliot Spitzer’ for a change,” the disgraced former governor noted.

Spitzer said he had considered a number of possible ways to alter the brief identifying reference the media uses for him. “I knew I would have to do something really sensational to overshadow the disgrace I brought upon myself and my former office as governor,” he explained. “For example, I imagined that ‘world figure skating champion Eliot Spitzer’ might do the trick. But, of course, I soon realized – not long after my ill-fated attempt at the first-ever aerial somersault on ice – that even the most spectacular acrobatic feat would not fully compensate for a basic inability to skate.”

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BLOOMINGTON, IND. – Yet another long-lost relationship was renewed via the popular social networking site Facebook on Saturday, when a Bloomington-area man was reunited with members of his immediate family whose existence had completely slipped his mind during his time on-line.

“It’s a miracle,” said Mike Waller, a 38-year-old husband and father of two, who had totally forgotten those marital and parental aspects of his life while fully immersed in the virtual community.

“I was just in the middle of a terrific marathon chat session with my friend Luther, who I know only because we both love Green Day, and I found him through a shared interests search,” Waller explained. “Anyway, I suddenly noticed that a comment had been added to my latest wall post, which said ‘Daddy, I’m thirsty,’ and I noticed that it was from someone who called himself ‘Timmy.’”

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WASHINGTON, DC – With Senate confirmation hearings on President Obama’s nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court set to begin, many of the nominee’s friends and supporters are speaking out in an attempt to dispel rumors that the never-married, 50-year-old U.S. Solicitor General is a lesbian.

“Not that it should even matter whether a nominee to the Supreme Court is gay,” commented a long-time associate of Kagan’s who requested anonymity, “but the fact that Elena has never married has nothing whatsoever to do with her sexual orientation. She’s simply a dedicated, career-oriented, and frighteningly grotesque professional woman who has just never been lucky enough to meet the right man, one who is willing to overlook her staggering physical repulsiveness and appreciate her for who she is beneath that unspeakably repugnant exterior which no measure of cosmetic application can adequately conceal.”

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“We know when we are beaten,” bin Laden concedes, citing unsurpassable destructive power of BP, AIG, GM and leading U.S. credit card companies.

Kandahar, Pakistan — Frustrated in their repeated attempts to strike a lethal blow against the United States before a major multinational corporation does so first, the leadership of Al Qaeda has announced that it will cease all terrorist activities against the U.S., pending an internal review of its competitive capabilities for destruction.

“As it currently stands, we simply do not have the resources necessary to achieve our goal of bringing death and suffering to America on a scale anywhere near that of our better-funded corporate competitors,” stated Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in a video message to the terrorist network’s supporters released today.

“Do you remember our plans to blow up an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico that we estimated would cause several thousands of gallons of oil to spill into the water for a few days before the Americans could stop it?” asked bin Laden with an audible sigh of dismay. “How much time and effort did we waste on that pitiful little scheme? Face it, people. We are amateurs.”

Bin Laden also announced a major shakeup in Al Qaeda’s top management, including the firing of its financial terrorism department head, Faizl Kalid Shirad, for “severe underperformance” in fulfilling the organization’s hopes to undermine the U.S. banking and investment sector.

With a rueful tip of the hat to the “brilliant and aggressive innovators” at American Insurance Group and leading investment firms such as Lehman Brothers and Goldman Sachs, bin Laden admitted that he and his management team had been “way behind the curve” in their strategy and planning.

“We were thinking of some computer virus or bot attack that would disrupt trading on Wall Street for maybe a week or so,” bin Laden said, shaking his head regretfully. “By the time our programmers finally finished writing all that damn code, the geniuses at AIG had already underwrtitten hundreds of billions of dollars in toxic debt that nearly destroyed the entire U.S. economy.”

“Really, we might as well just forget it,” he said exasperatedly. “Collateralized debt obligations? Credit debt swaps? Investment packages designed to fail? Did we even think of these things?  No. And what have our own ‘geniuses’ been doing?  They’ve spent the entire last two years trying to figure out how to weaponize the measles, for God’s sake! And now half of them are out sick with the damn thing. ”

Becoming visibly more irritated, bin Laden then pointed his finger and yelled, “And who was it on the team who came up with the brilliant idea to sabatoge Americans‘ car braking and accelerator systems? How many of those frigging Toyotas did we waste our time tampering with before we found out that we’d actually made them safer by disabling them?”

The Al Qaeda head then rambled on for several minutes, citing a litany of examples of  achievements by the terrorist organization’s “superiors” – from General Motors‘ and Chrysler Corporation’s near-destruction of the U.S. automotive industry to the crushing personal debt amassed by millions of Americans due in large part to unscrupulous credit card company promotions and practices.

“My brothers, we are just way out of our league,” he said. “What is an itty-bitty car bomb compared to the destructive power of Citibank?”

To those within Al Qaeda who had suggested that the organization should perhaps shift its focus from America to Europe, bin Laden laughed dismissively and said, “You’re the same people, are you not, who spent three years on that great plan to destroy the value of the Euro? Meanwhile, you kept all of our savings in Euros because you said they were so strong? Now, we can’t even afford to fly to Europe, you morons!”

Wiping sweat from his brow, bin Laden concluded his message by noting the record high temperatures in Pakistan this month and bemoaning whoever it was who thought up global warming.

-          As reported by Steve Fisher