Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever

Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever

The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.

trump-letters-dr-shepherdOn Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness 

I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.

If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)

Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy)
Chief of Neuro-surgery
Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy) 

trump-letters-col-sandersOn Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief

Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.

I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.

Colonel Harland Sanders
Deceased Commander-in-Chief
Kentucky Fried Chicken (more…)

The Old Farts Tennis Club

The Old Farts Tennis Club

old farts tennis club - group photoRecently I joined an extremely exclusive club here on Camano Island – the swank Royal Racquet and Earl Grey Tea Society. They play on the only public tennis courts on the island. In order to be considered for membership you must live on the island, be male (sorry ladies, get your own club), be at least 60 years old (at 61, I barely made the cut) and be able to ambulate without any help from your grandchildren.

I was inducted into this fashionable club in a formal private ceremony which involved my walking onto the courts and asking, “Hey, mind if I join you guys for some tennis?” Apparently that was the correct secret phrase because somehow they let me in on my very first try, without any background check or body cavity search.

The posh Royal Racquet and Earl Grey Tea Society, more commonly known by its members as the Old Farts Tennis Club (OFT for short) is 25 members strong plus 11 more who are admittedly weak.

The rules of play for the Old Farts Tennis Club are rigorous:

  • All games are played in a classic doubles format.
  • Play must go on regardless of inclement weather conditions – unless it rains or looks like it eventually might.
  • Players must hit the ball such that it lands within the boundaries of the tennis court, as designated by white lines around the perimeter – except for Ernie, in which case if his shot lands within a foot of the line, that’s close enough. Members have suggested to Ernie it’s probably time he got his eyes checked.
  • Members must remember to wear their pants when they show up to play – this rule was created specifically for a member named “Barney.” (Not his real name. His real name is Ned.)

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Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM

Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM

Tim - Tim KaineHello. Tim Jones here. This presidential election year is historic in several ways. It is the first time in US history that:

  • a woman has been nominated by a major political party as their presidential candidate
  • a major political party has selected a narcissistic, bullying, sociopath as their standard bearer
  • a major political party has selected a lying, misogynistic racist as their standard bearer
  • a major political party has selected a thin-skinned, egotistical, uninformed billionaire demagogue as their standard bearer
  • Did I mention it’s the first time a major political party has selected an utterly unfit, insane whack job for president?

All of these firsts are well and good, but these headlines totally bury the lead – which is: this is also the first time in American presidential history a major political party has placed a TIM on the ticket! That’s right. Someone with the same first name as me: Senator Tim Kaine is Hillary’s Vice Presidential pick.

Admittedly, Tim Kaine is not exactly Mr. Excitement. He pretty much looks like every suburban soccer dad I’ve ever carpooled with. When you google the word “bland” the first search result is a photo of Tim Kaine. Okay, so he’s safe and boring. But you’re missing the point. His name is TIM!!

There have been plenty of people with names like John, Robert, William, and James selected to run as Vice President – and a whole bunch of Dicks. There have even been VP candidates with obscure names like Chester, Rufus, and Hannibal. (Honest.) But until this year, there has never been a single person named TIM selected to be a presidential or vice presidential candidate.

The lamestream media won’t talk about this dirty little secret, but we TIM’s have been pushed around or ignored politically for the past 220 years. For too long, TIM’s have had to live with the cruel acceptance that our name was primarily associated with cripples and freaks — from the pitiful Tiny Tim in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol to the grotesque long-haired oddball ukulele-playing singer who, using that same name, became embarrassingly famous for his falsetto rendition of Tiptoe Through the Tulips.

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