Archive for March, 2016

Please Accept My Heartfelt Apology If I’ve Offended You

I apologize - Tim and PopeI want to apologize. Recently I’ve learned that remarks I’ve made in previous humor articles have offended some readers. To Mr. Arnold Halasz of Budapest, Hungary, whom I appear to have sent completely over the edge, I apologize for my snarky comment that in Hungary, the only three foods you’ll find are pickles, cabbage, and pickled cabbage. I completely failed to mention cauliflower, and that one is totally on me. Thank you, Mr. H., for all your letters. I should mention, however, that your most recent death threat came postage due. Don’t forget to use two 1st class stamps next time.

So if I have offended any of you the way I appear to have done to the entire nation of Hungary, let me extend an olive branch by way of apology in the hopes that someday you might find it in your heart to forgive me.

To Edna Weppler of Racine, WI, who was offended by my post A side by side comparison of our Savior vs. the Apple iPad, I apologize. I absolutely respect your deeply held religious convictions. I was not trying to imply the iPad is better than your Lord and Savior. I was simply trying to point out that it has a much faster operating system than Jesus, with more advanced graphics, comes with way more free apps, and has a more forgiving interface. 

To Maria Solbein of Hornbeck, LA, who was offended by my post Women, help end discrimination against men. Get struck by lightning, I apologize. I appreciate that from your perspective it seemed I was arguing that men face more discrimination than women in our society. Your exhaustive list of 342 studies documenting longstanding patterns of discrimination against women in the workforce, politics, and society was, I must say impressive – not to mention exhausting. But I stand by my claim that far more men than women suffer from male pattern baldness. So let’s just agree to call it a tie, okay? 

To Angus O’Shaughnessy of Halifax, Nova Scotia, who was offended by my post Seven myths about our neighbors to the north, I apologize for my insensitivity to your great nation and for my callous stereotypes about your country being totally ice-covered for 10 months of the year, along with my egregiously flippant comment that most Canadians live in igloos and leave their elderly to die alone on ice floes. In doing some additional research, I realize now I meant to say Norway, not Canada. I promise to print a correction in the next issue. Read More…


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  • Published On Mar. 14, 2016 by TEJ
  • Be Prepared for the Apocalypse – Oh, and Have a Nice Day

    Armageddon - shelterHi, everybody. Hope you’re having a super day. Have you been following the news?  If not, I’ll let you in on some late-breaking news. Our world might not be around much longer.

    You see, experts now lay the odds of an imminent cataclysmic event at somewhere between 75 and 90%. By imminent, I mean possibly next month. And not just one “event” – a tidal wave of cataclysmic events. So you might want to get prepared for the Final Countdown. No hurry. If you’re in the middle of something important – like watching pro bowling or pruning your rose bushes– then by all means, finish that up. We can chat about this later.

    But when you have a few minutes, you might want to consider making just a few minor preparations for when the end of civilization as we know it arrives. To be honest, I never gave much thought to the impending Apocalypse until lately. You see, I live near Seattle. Recently, the New Yorker Magazine posted an article that predicts a 9.1 or greater earthquake that is apparently long overdue, according to seismologists. “The Big One”, as they call it, will be so devastating that “It will leave Seattle and most of western Washington in ruins. Everything west of Interstate 5 will be toast.” Hard to spin this story in a positive way – unless you happen to live in Boise, Idaho, in which case you may soon become the owner of oceanfront property.

    Then CBS 60 Minutes reported that the odds are over 80% for a major terrorist strike in the next three years which would take down huge portions of our electrical grid, leaving vast regions of the country without power for months. No biggie – seeing as I installed solar panels last year.

    Add to these worries rumors that North Korea’s Kim Jong-un threatens to launch a nuclear strike against the US, a probable terrorist suitcase nuclear bomb attack, and Fox News’ prediction of the looming Zombie Apocalypse, and well, the near future is not shaping up like an episode of Happy Days.

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    • Why wait for the end of times ... plan ahead and give your kids all the inheritance they deserve right…
      Janice Strong
  • Published On Mar. 06, 2016 by TEJ