Loser for Hire

Sports loser - TimI love playing sports. My friends love to play me in sports, too. For years I thought it was because they enjoyed my company. They later told me that I tend to get on their nerves. So why do they keep playing me? Answer: Because they love the thrill of victory, which they are assured of experiencing any time they play me – in any sport.

Ya’ know that old expression “He’s a jack of all trades but a king of none”?  Well, I’m more like the three of clubs. You see, as much as I love sports, I’ve never really been that good at them.

Case in point: I’ve played the same guy in tennis for 12 years. Let’s call him “Steve”, because, well, his name is Steve. In that 12 years, I can tell you the exact number of sets I have won against Steve. Exactly zero.

I’ve been golfing with another friend for 15 years. I’ll just refer to him as “Kevin from Ballard” because I don’t feel it’s appropriate to reveal his last name here – but since I know you’re curious, it’s “Breecher.” I have never beaten Kevin Breecher in golf – ever. Every year he increases my handicap advantage. He now gives me 29 strokes. He still always wins. Last month, he offered to hit all his tee shots blindfolded. He won by five strokes.

One thing my friends Steve and Kevin have in common – besides being annoying winners – is that they always feel better about themselves after trouncing me. It never gets old for them.

That got me to thinking. Perhaps I could help others feel better about themselves by inviting them to beat me – in sports, that is. Get people to pay me to lose to them in the sport of their choice. That’s why this month, I launched the YOU’RE A WINNER Self-Esteem-Building Sports Program (YAWSEBSP for short). Check out my promotional flyer below. Ask me about my Friends ‘n Family Discount.

DO YOU SUFFER FROM LOW SELF-ESTEEM? 

IS YOUR LIFE IN THE CRAPPER? 

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF? 

DO YOU LIKE TO PLAY SPORTS? 

DO YOU SOMETIMES WISH YOU COULD BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR OPPONENT AND LEAVE THEM BEGGING FOR MERCY JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF? 

DO YOU FIND READING A LONG SERIES OF QUESTIONS IN ALL CAPS ANNOYING? 

Then have I got a WINNING idea for you! Sign up today for my YOU’RE A WINNER Self-Esteem-Building Sports Program.

Is work stressing you out? Is your wife an impossible bitch? Do you live with obnoxious teenagers who give you the exasperated eye roll every time you say hello? Are you underwater with your mortgage? Did you just find out that your boss is sleeping with your wife? Did I mention your wife is a bitch? Am I asking too many questions again?

Well, I can’t really help you with your marital problems. But I can help you feel better about yourself in the sport of your choice.

Sports loser - trackHow does it work?

Just pick any sport. I personally guarantee you will beat me. What’s your game? Golf, tennis, basketball? If it involves a ball, you are all but assured of winning and feeling great about your achievement. Ball sports not your thing? No worries. I’m equally inept at skiing, archery and power walking. Prefer something a bit more sedate? How about shuffleboard? Or darts? Whatever your sport, prepare for the thrill of victory as you watch me succumb to the agony of defeat. 

About Your Professional Loser

I have a long, undistinguished track record of losing to people of all ages and lack of abilities. There are few people who can match my ability to choke under pressure when the game is on the line. My unique approach combines slow speed and lack of accuracy, balanced with just the right deficit of skill, strength and endurance guaranteed to make you look like an Olympic champion compared to me. 

Customizable plans

I will suit your Self-Esteem-Building Sports Plan to your specific requirements. My customizable program lets you choose how badly you prefer to pummel me into submission.

Our GOOD SPORT package includes a friendly post-victory handshake, pat on your back and glowing praise about your amazing skill and agility, guaranteed to sound almost genuine.

For a slightly higher fee, consider my SORE LOSER option, in which I will whine that you had better equipment and make excuses that if it weren’t for my Vietnam shrapnel injury, I would have surely won.

Prefer a more lopsided victory? Consider my very popular SPIRIT CRUSHER plan. With this premium plan, I will even collapse on the playing field, sobbing in desperation, lamenting how horribly you destroyed me while I openly question the meaning of my existence.

You decide the level of humiliation you wish to inflict. Ask about my popular Pull Victory from the Jaws of Defeat come-from-behind win option (not available in the fly fishing sports plan). 

Testimonials from satisfied clients 

Tim really sucks at golf. I can’t believe he keeps coming back month after month for more punishment. I always destroy him. Man, it feels good to beat the crap out of that loser. – Kevin Breecher

I have known Tim for 19 years and played him in just about every conceivable sport. I have to say, Tim is not kidding when he says he really sucks at sports. Come to think of it, my dad is pretty lame at anything to do with counting. He also has absolutely no fashion sense either. And he forgets to return things he borrows. – Rachel Jones

Disclaimer:

  • I will not engage in any of the following sports: female mud wrestling, cow tipping, cliff diving, ultimate cage fighting, Australian Rules Chess, or any sport that involves nudity (unless it’s tasteful).
  • I cannot fix any unresolved emotional issues stemming from childhood phobias around cheese or clocks with Roman numerals or fixations with the color orange.
  • I refuse to compete against anyone who’s a member of any of the following offensive groups: Al Qaeda, the Ku Klux Klan, the entire nation of Paraguay, people who think curling is a real sport, or Tim’s wife.

ACT NOW! SIGN UP, CHOOSE YOUR SPORT AND WIN! AND LEAVE THE LOSING TO ME!

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

Tim Jones - Profile at Safeco - TinyPS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook. 

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2014

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  • Published On Sep. 01, 2014 by TEJ
  • 6 Comments


    1. Kevin B
      9/3/14

      That’s bullshit, Tim. You beat me in golf once or twice. Honestly, I don’t recall how long ago it was, but we used to be pretty even. Like when we started playing together. As teenagers.

      Two birdies and 11 strokes better than you on Sunday – I sure was feeling it, wasn’t I?

      Makes me wonder what would happen if I actually tried.


    2. Cynthia Clay
      9/5/14

      Does Mexican Train Dominoes count as a sport?


    3. Drew Fisher
      9/5/14

      Yeah, but Tim, you actually PLAY the sports. At the sports-crazed high school we both attended, there were ten varsity sports, and I played exactly zero, although I was the manager of the track team. The humor columnist for the school paper I edited actually wrote a sort of class prophecy in which he predicted that I would be “signed to star opposite Jayne Mansfield [my generation’s Kate Upton] in a Universal production of `Hercules Untied.'” So whom did I marry? A three-letter prep-school athlete (volleyball, basketball, tennis) and medalist individual medley swimmer. Which reminds me, Tim. Weren’t you captain of the Albany Academy swim team? Fess up!


    4. Steven Williams
      9/5/14

      Now I finally starting to understand why you enjoy being the MLB Seattle baseball fan all these years. 🙂

      (They do look legit this year though, unless that is just part of the plan.)

      Thank you for ending my week with a laugh.

    5. Nice trim physique Tim! Don’t believe Tim about being a loser, when he wants to, he can smoke even the most rank amateurs. Just look at his bowling score (10 pin only in Canada though) was 111 points for the game against all the amateurs of of his family-in-law. The next highest score was only 63 points and he beat us all.
      But, in all fairness to Tim, we didn’t know of his new request for payment to loose. Maybe he can pull of a defeat if we make it worth his while to be beaten by a bunch of hack-bowlers.
      Keep trying Tim. Next time you will smoke us with an even higher score.


    6. Pam N
      9/9/14

      As the loving wife of “Steve”, I’ll confess that Saturday afternoons after the “Tim and Steve tennis games” are a joyous occasion. “Steve” practically dances around the house, with a twinkle in his eye and a song on his lips as he relives his court victories. However, as the painfully honest wife of “Steve”, I have to say that, if you’re looking to trounce him in some sport, you don’t have to look far, Just go for the sports he never tried as a child that require flexible leg balance, like skiing or stand up paddling. Oh, and since he hasn’t held a golf club in probably twenty years, you’d have a good shot at winning that one, too. Don’t tell him I said so.

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