Based on rigorous field research (comprised mostly of renting the movie Mean Girls) I have concluded there are several cities that apparently have city ordinances requiring girls to turn evil (or at least seriously bitchy) by the time they reach puberty. This ordinance clearly is in effect in Beverly Hills, Orange County, Palm Beach, Florida, the Hamptons, and oddly enough, Omaha, Nebraska*. (I know, that last one surprised me too.)
Now, you may still say, “Evil”? Really? Isn’t that a bit of a stretch?” Well, I don’t mean evil in the “sociopath stalker kills five, kicks puppy” sense of the word. No, I mean evil more in the “You just don’t like him because he has a purple Mohawk, a tattoo of a king cobra on his neck and a chain that runs from his ear to his nose. You’re so judgmental. I hate my life!!” sort of way. You know, the she-doesn’t-have-time-to-take-the-3-extra-seconds-it-would-require-to-pick-up-her-bowl-of-half-eaten-ice-cream-that-she-left-on-our-expensive-leather-couch-for-the-fifth-time-this-week-so-the-cat-finally-knocked-it-over-leaving-a-six-inch-stain-of-Rocky-Road-that-will-never-come-out sense. That sort of evil.
Here is a quick seven-question quiz you can administer to determine whether or not your own daughter might currently be evil – and it does not require any urine samples:
- Has it been more than 3 months since your daughter last cleaned up her room? (Add 10 points if you can no longer determine the color or texture of the flooring because you can’t actually locate it.)
- Is your daughter thoughtful, considerate and respectful to all non-familial adult authority figures (teachers, coaches, etc.) and is able to maintain this highly respectful manner effortlessly for hours on end until… precisely the moment she comes through your front door and makes eye contact with you?
- When you gently offer support and advice to help with your daughter’s agonizing problem with her on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again boyfriend with the king cobra neck tattoo named [check the appropriate box: ___ Chad ___ Jacob ___ Ethan ___ Daniel ___ Spike] is your counsel immediately dismissed out of hand with the phrase “Forget it, Dad. You just don’t get it!!” [Insert the mandatory accompanying eye roll here.]
- Has she told you more than once in the past 24 hours how borrrrrr-ing school is, and that she doesn’t see the point to going anymore and is debating whether to catch a bus and move to Florida with snake-tattoo boy [check the appropriate box: ___Chad ___ Jacob ___ Ethan ___ Daniel ___ Spike] because “I can take care of myself.”
- Have you wondered quietly to yourself more than twice in the past week, “Who is this girl in my kitchen wolfing down stale potato chips, a slice of cold pizza, and Diet Mountain Dew for breakfast, and what have they done with my real daughter?”
- When you enter her room at bedtime to say goodnight, tell her you love her, and kiss her on the top of her head, does she lovingly respond by shrieking “Geez, you’re ruining my hair! Go away! And close the door behind you!”
- Do you routinely find yourself gritting your teeth, with flashbacks to your own parents as you shout: “You’re NOT leaving this house wearing that!!” as your daughter attempts to sneak out the door wearing banana-yellow 5-inch spiked heels and a miniskirt with a hem that stops roughly 2 inches below her navel?
If you answered YES to six or more of the questions above, your teenage daughter currently is, statistically speaking, evil. (For full disclosure, this test has a statistical margin of error of +/- 97%). So if your daughter scored EVIL or just Moderately Wicked, don’t worry. From the research I’ve done, most of the time this turns out to be a phase they grow out of — as soon as they have future evil daughters of their own.
So, are most teenage girls truly evil? Perhaps not. Perhaps my judgment is clouded by the latest Category 4 hormonal hurricane that just blew through my living room this afternoon screaming “You never do ANYTHING for me” in response to my calmly worded observation, “No, I will not buy you an iPad Mini just for making your bed.”
I might not be able to compete any more with [check the appropriate box: ___Chad ___ Jacob ___ Spike ___ oh, whatever the hell his name is] for my daughters’ attention. But in those increasingly rare moments when I am lucky enough to taxi one of my daughters to her soccer practice or to her sleep-over at her friend Maria’s, and she leans over, gives me a kiss and says, “I love you, Daddy”, I pause and realize that just then – at that precise moment, maybe, just maybe, she’s not completely evil after all. And maybe I’m not the worst parent in the world. That award would go to my brother-in-law, Eddie.
That’s the view from the bleachers. But perhaps I’m off base.
(* My sincerest apology about the comment that Omaha, Nebraska was a city with an ordinance that requires teenage girls to turn evil. After further fact-checking, I realize I meant to write Bismarck, North Dakota.)
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook. And if you have one or more evil teenagers at home, there is hope. Ah, I’m just pulling your leg. There’s no hope – unless you can afford to send them off to boarding school – you lucky bastard.
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2014