by TEJ | Jan 30, 2013 | Fun and Leisure Humor
Sunday, February 3rd is the biggest single day of the year in sports: No, I’m not talking about the Fresno Kennel Club Annual Dog Show taking place this coming Sunday – although granted, that is a very big sporting event. No, I’m talking about the Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the Los Angeles Rams. I believe it’s Super Bowl MCLXXXXVIIIVX, but I could be off by a couple of V’s.
This week I am donning my wife’s BBQ apron to share my secrets to throwing a winning Super Bowl party. A Super Bowl party is a great opportunity for men to bond with their buddies over the world’s greatest spectator sport (after female mud wrestling) and for the ladies to bond with other wives in the kitchen while checking on the status of our Meat Lovers’ pizza and replenishing our salsa dip – I noticed it’s getting a bit low, honey.
Fellows, when hosting a Super Bowl party, there are three parts to consider: preparations BEFOREHAND, what to do DURING the party, and finally, clean-up activities AFTER the party. Of course, most of you guys can skip Parts I and III, as those parts can easily be handled by your wife. Just put her in charge of the food and stay out of her way. She loves being in charge of something.
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by TEJ | Jan 20, 2013 | Fun and Leisure Humor, In the News Humor
[Tim Jones, noted humor writer and the driving force behind the humor blog View from the Bleachers, in a shocking press conference, admits to using banned performance-enhancing substances to help him write his column. Below are excerpts from that press conference.]
“This is not easy for me to admit. But the time has come for me to finally come clean. Rumors have been swirling about my behavior in recent months. And I simply could not live a lie any longer. For the first time anywhere, I need to make a public confession to all eleven of my readers:
For years I have been using banned performance-enhancing substances to help me produce my blog. And in the process, I’ve repeatedly lied to my readers, friends and family.
About the time people started wondering about Lance Armstrong, insiders started suspecting that I too might be using performance-enhancing substances to give me a competitive edge. They started noticing that my blog posts were getting increasingly unhinged. When I claimed in one post that I was a direct descendant of Jesus, it raised a lot of eyebrows. When I later wrote that I was contemplating switching my vote to Romney, my close friends and family members became deeply concerned about my mental state. But it was when I finally presented in one recent post my solution to America’s gun problem – arming every American with bullet-proof vests – that authorities could tell I had gone completely off the rails.
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by TEJ | Jan 16, 2013 | In the News Humor, Political humor
[Author’s Note: This article was originally published in 2013. – TEJ]
A small minority of Americans (estimated to be less than 87%) were shocked by recent remarks by Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association, the world’s largest gun rights lobbying organization.
In his remarks LaPierre argued forcefully that the problem is not that there are too many guns in America. The problem is that there are not enough of them. Putting the blame for youth violence squarely where it belongs, LaPierre argued that the problem is not that deadly weapons are almost as easy to buy as toothpaste. No, he argued, youth violence is caused by all the violence kids are exposed to in video games and movies like Toy Story 3.
The NRA’s solution? Place armed guards at every school, and arm every principal. Let every teacher pack heat. The fact that this is estimated to net over $150 million in additional domestic gun sale revenues for NRA-member gun dealers is sheer coincidence.
LaPierre’s core argument comes down to this: “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” Millions of gun rights advocates were disappointed by LaPierre’s comments, however, arguing that the NRA stance does not go nearly far enough to protect the rights of innocent gun dealers.
According to Farland McArmem, a gun rights advocate from Biloxi, MS, “The solution is obvious. Just let every man, woman and kid pack heat at all times. That way, nobody’s gonna start a fight. Just think how many lives could be saved if everybody was packing a Beretta PX4 Semiautomatic Pistol in their pants. Nobody would ever think of shooting another fella – unless of course, they knew the other fella’s gun was not a semi-automatic, like theirs was.”
Billy Bob Higgins, a gun dealer from Talladega, AL, agrees but feels McArmem does not go far enough. “Don’t leave out the Taser. Sure, we’d be safer with guns in every kid’s backpack, but what if Little Johnny’s weapon jams? You need a backup plan. That’s why I think every child should also pack a Taser. Remember the scene in Hangover when the cop lets the kid shoot Zach Galifianakis with the Taser? Man, was that awesome or what?”
Most gun rights advocates argue strongly against calls to ban semi-automatic and assault weapons, citing the Constitution’s Second Amendment. “It says right there in the Second Amendment,” notes Bubba Mentalfart, a gun collector from Stillwater, OK, “ ‘The right of the people to keep and bear semi-automatic, rapid-fire firearms with high-capacity clips and laser scopes, shall not be infringed.’ If God didn’t want us to have these guns, then why in the Hell did Jesus put it right there in the Constitution?”
Still others have equally well-thought-out solutions to gun violence. Cletus L. Lynchem, a paramilitary supply dealer from Spartanburg, SC, thinks the key is not only a better offense but a better defense too. “Sure it’s all well and good to arm our teachers and kids with guns. I’m all for that, of course. But that’s only half the battle. Parents should make sure their kids are dressed in a Kevlar bullet-proof vest. That way, if the killer gets off the first round, our kids will still be safe. And my store has a great collection of vests in kids’ and teen sizes. Check out this Hello, Kitty Kevlar vest. Ain’t it adorable?”
These gun rights advocates may not all agree on the ideal combination of assault weapons, bullet-proof vests, crossbows and night vision goggles. But one thing they all agree on is that guns aren’t the problem. Lack of guns is.
Gun control advocates throw out specious statistics like the 1996 complete ban of semi-automatic weapons in Australia. In the 18 years before the law, Australia suffered 13 mass shootings – but not one in the 16 years after the law took full effect. But NRA members make the point that Australia’s gun violence problem abated primarily because most Australians are in a constant state of inebriation and unable to locate the whereabouts of their weapons. That’s why the NRA now supports legislation lowering the drinking age to 11 – for safety reasons.
Some liberals argue that guns are far too easy to buy, noting that a shopper can purchase a semi-automatic rifle at any Wal-Mart store as easily as buying hair curlers and size-20 leopard-skin tights. But Constitution-loving gun owners point the finger of blame squarely at the person pulling the trigger – mentally ill people.
“Guns don’t kill people,” said an NRA spokesperson. “Deranged whackos with guns do. That’s why we’re pushing for legislation to immediately institute a complete ban on all mental illness.”
Buford Ghettacloo of Possum Trot, AL, summed up the gun advocates’ case persuasively: “Once they finally make being mentally ill a federal crime, that should solve this pesky problem once and for all. And the rest of us can go back to using our guns to shoot pheasants, Muslims and liberal commie politicians at rallies, the way Jesus taught us.”
And the debate goes on. (Lord, help us all.)
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: There is nearly one gun in the USA for every American, making this nation by far the most heavily armed country in the world. Please tell your Congressperson that stricter gun control legislation is long past due. There is no place in our society for assault weapons of any kind. The right to own a gun for hunting is not greater than the right to protect our families.
Subscribe to my new View from the Bleachers YouTube Channel and request notifications to see my latest videos. And check out my new book, THE SECRET TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS (is Something I Have Never Figured Out. I’ Open to Suggestions)
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2013
by TEJ | Jan 10, 2013 | Lifestyles humor
… is never to make any, of course. I mean, seriously. Just look at my track record over the past twenty years.
It’s January 2017 – a new year and another chance to wipe the slate clean and press the RESET button on all those failed commitments from the previous year. Every year, I revisit my New Year’s Resolutions from the previous year, not so much to analyze how many of them I kept, because of course I kept NONE of them. Rather, I look back to chronicle how many weeks it took before I had completely bailed out on my very last resolution.
Usually that date is approximately January 17. But then there was that one exceptional year – 2004. I made it all the way through February before completely giving up on all my resolutions, goals and dreams.
In looking back over my past New Year’s Resolutions, I’ve noticed an unsettling trend. Over time, the goals that I set kept getting increasingly ambitious. Meanwhile my results have hit a bit of a plateau… then slowly slipped off the edge of that plateau…. into the deep, dark, cavernous ravine of best intentions gone miserably awry. So this year, I’ve decided to set more reasonable goals in order to feel a sense of accomplishment. Let me explain with a few examples.
The following are a few of my typical New Year’s Resolutions from previous years:
Fitness and health: Lose 40 pounds before our July vacation. Build up to running ten miles. Use my Buns of Steel Ab Rocker machine, wear my Miracle Trim Vibrator Belt two hours a day, along with my Torso Tiger Sauna Suit I bought seven years ago but never wore once.
Nutrition and eating habits: Cut out eating anything pleasurable. Eat only steamed foods that are green and taste like dirt. Drink at least twenty 8-ounce glasses of water a day. Install a urinal in my car. (more…)
by TEJ | Jan 2, 2013 | Fun and Leisure Humor, In the News Humor
You might think living in America’s friendliest town must be a fairy tale. Au contraire. It’s a living Hell. Forbes Magazine just came out with its ranking of the Friendliest Towns in America. Coming in at the #1 spot on their list? Sammamish, Washington, (true) my town for the past 22 years.
Sammamish beat out fierce rivals like Westerville, Ohio, Fishers, Indiana, Lake Wobegon, Hooterville, and the Merry Old Land of Oz for top honors. Forbes’s study ranked towns based on criteria such as crime rate, level of charitable giving, level of civic engagement, and the size of the check the town was willing to pay to Forbes Magazine to get listed as one of America’s friendliest towns.
Sammamish, a nice town of roughly 47,000 nice people, is nestled in the nice foothills of the Cascade Mountains – a convenient 20 minutes east of Seattle (or 2 hours and 40 minutes during rush hour). Thanks to its close proximity to Microsoft, Sammamish is an upscale community with low unemployment (5%), low crime (90% below the national average) and the nation’s highest level of double tall mocha addicts (97%).
Don’t get me wrong. The people of Sammamish are some of the nicest people you’ll ever want to meet. And that’s exactly the problem. They are really nice. Annoyingly, obnoxiously nice. By comparison, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood looks like the set of Real Housewives of New Jersey.
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