Archive for November, 2012

Famous Americans share Thanksgiving messages of gratitude

View from the Bleachers interviewed famous Americans this past week, asking them “What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving season?” Here is a holiday gift basket of inspirational messages from some of our nation’s most illustrious, America-loving Americans.

Ann Romney, wife of presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney: “I was very disappointed that Mitt lost the election, due to that fluke late October hurricane and the minor fact that Mitt’s not very good at relating to people with net worths under $25 million. But we still have so much to be grateful for. Mitt’s hair still looks amazing. We just bought Monaco. Precious. And, frankly, the thought of having to downsize our lifestyle to fit into that cramped White House was something I really was not looking forward to anyway. Besides, six luxury houses is plenty. We know some families who can’t even afford four.”

Tim Tebow, backup NFL quarterback: “I thank my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, for giving me the opportunity to play this sport I love so much. And someday, the good Lord willing, I hope to have the chance to play on a professional NFL team. Until then, I am content to play for the New York Jets.”

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  • Ann Romney was hoping most of all to paint the White House mauve. And Chris Christie suffered a breakdown…
  • Published On Nov. 20, 2012 by TEJ
  • Millions mourn as Obama conspires with Storm of Century to steal election

    In what has been the most polarizing campaign since our nation was torn apart by Pepsi’s shocking defeat of Coke in the Pepsi Challenge of 1975, it appears that thanks to an ingenious last-minute October Surprise maneuver, President Obama has stolen the 2012 presidential election, defeating America’s (and God’s) preferred candidate, Mitt Romney.

    Devising a brilliant never-before-tried campaign tactic, Obama strategists implemented October’s devastating Super Storm Sandy, and using an offer of a lifetime supply of Hostess Twinkies, was able to bribe New Jersey Governor Chris Christie into extolling Obama’s leadership in a crisis, just days before the election. The devious ploy appears to have worked, as Obama eked out a narrow, albeit hotly contested, win. Even God did not see this one coming, according to a Romney spokesperson, who added “God and Mother Nature are going to have a long talk about this.”  .

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    • Sad update: it appears that Howard and Marjorie have split up, citing irreconcilable differences of opinion over whom to vote…
  • Published On Nov. 07, 2012 by TEJ
  • Researchers unlock the key to a happy marriage: Husbands, let your wives do the housework!

    Don’t believe me? Then maybe you’ll believe a study which concluded that marriages where the women do all the housework while the men retreat to the parlor to smoke cigars, read the newspaper and discuss politics with other men in top hats are happier. Okay, so that study was based on focus groups of landed gentry horse farm owners in Greenwich, CT in 1879. But now a brand new study appears to validate those previous findings.

    A recently released study by Norwegian researchers reports that the divorce rate among couples who share the housework equally is 50% higher than those where the woman does most of the housework. “The more a man does in the home, the higher the divorce rate,” said Thomas Hansen, co-author of the study titled Equality in the Home.

    One conclusion emerges: Male Norwegian researchers apparently hate women. Another theory is that Norwegian men suck at doing chores. Still another theory is that lead researcher Thomas Hansen has a serious axe to grind over the fact his ex-wife, Ingebjørg, took him to the cleaners in their divorce. But that’s just my wife’s theory, and she’s never particularly cared for Norwegian men. (I’m talking to you, Sven Jorgensen.)

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    • Considering the divorce rate with or without housework is at 50% anyway with or without sexists chore assignments. The study…
      Janice Strong
  • Published On Nov. 01, 2012 by TEJ